Bender's Big Score Pt. 4

  • Season 5, Ep 4
  • 03/23/2008

Fry discovers the truth about himself and Leela's fiance; Bender becomes an unlikely hero.

(theme music playing)

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.

(droning mechanical sputtering)

(Zoidberg chuckles)

Even in a depression,

the entertainmentindustry thrives.

You okay, Leela?

Yeah, I'm justa little down

'cause the only man I'll everlove left me at the altar.

Plus I livein a Dumpster.

You stay outof my Dumpster.


TV ANNOUNCER:We interrupt

this episodeof Everybody Loves Hypnotoad

to bring you a special addressfrom Earth President Nixon.

Please, Hypnotoad,don't make me kill myself!


My fellow Earthicans,

I'm about to close a deal

that will allow us to buy Earthback from the scammers.

(all cheering)

That'll teach those scammersand me.

Just when things looked darkest,

I received an e-mailfrom the Andromeda Galaxy.

It seems we've won

their quadrillion-dollarfamily sweepstakes.

(all cheering weakly)

Oh, Lord.

So assuming all goes...


What's that, Agnew?A telegram?

(grunts "Yes")

(blubbering angrily)

There... seems to have been,uh, some ki--

we've been scammed again,people.

Prepare to evacuate Earth--I mean, New Scamedonia.

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ We took your stuff... ♪

LEELA:All aboard for Neptune.

Thanks for the planet,suckers.

(pained groans)

(all screaming)

(chattering):It's so cold my processoris running at peak efficiency.

What are you,a whining machine?

If you want to worryabout something,

worry aboutthe yetis.


(yetis howling)

Oh, yetis.


(all screaming)

(battle cry)

Don't mess with me,you ice-crapping snow-honkies.

I just got dumped.




Sweet yeti ofthe Serengeti,

she's gone Crazy Eddiein the head-y.


(moaning crazily)

Is that normal?No.

Perhaps if we were to cookand eat her slightly...

Leave her alone.

She just needs meto cheer her up.

Want to sword fight, girl?



Hmm, that male narwhal seemsto be upsetting her.

Get us out of here, Captain.

Full fast ahead.

Damn whalekeepers.

(all gasping)


We forgot he's basedon Neptune.

(sadly):Ho, ho, ho.

I'm too depressedfor murder and mayhem.

What happened,Santa?

The scammers cheated meout of my naughty list

to use for telemarketing.

That's it.

They've gone too far.

It's time to fight back.

Now, let's not resortto violence, Leela.

We're fighting backand you're helping us,

you fat holiday idiot.


That hurt.

You're on the naughty list.



So that's our proposal napkin,Mr. President.

We have just enoughpeople and ships

to mount a ragtag attack.

You wish, missy.

Dog-danged scammers usedour money to build a fleet

of remote-controlled,solid gold Death Stars.


I'd take one of thosewith a side of chili fries.

We're hopelessly outgunned.

The force is with us,but that's about it.

Ah... but we have access

to a huge manufacturing complex.

SANTA:♪ I brought the elvesback from vacation ♪

♪ Chained them upand called my holiday friends ♪

♪ KwanzaBot ♪♪ And theChanukah Zombie ♪

♪ Three mad wise men bearingmurder and frankincense ♪

♪ Damn you,doo-doo-doo-doo ♪Shut up.

♪ Now fetch those bunniesby the armful ♪

ELVES:♪ Says who? ♪

♪ Says me ♪

♪ Napalm makes themslightly more harmful ♪

♪ No one heregoes near that door ♪

♪ This toy shop's going to war ♪

♪ Talmud says"Be slow to anger" ♪

♪ Low-down scammersgot me seeing red ♪

♪ Got my TIE fighterout of the hangar ♪

♪ Jump back, Jack, 'cause I'mJewish and I'm undead ♪

♪ Ten-hut! Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Dreidl, dreidl, I made itout of blasting clay ♪

♪ You're nuts ♪

♪ And when it's dry and ready,for mercy they will pray ♪

♪ I can't waiteight nights or more ♪

♪ This zombie's going to war ♪

♪ Check, check it out ♪

♪ KwanzaBotin the Neptizzle Hizzle ♪

♪ With my inhuman beat box,busy building missiles ♪

♪ They're guided by thesecute dancing fairy figures ♪

♪ Careful, little elf,that's proximity-triggered ♪

♪ I'm fighting back for Kwanzaa,so the children won't miss it ♪

♪ I'm confusedabout its meaning ♪

♪ But I know itwhen they dis it ♪

♪ So, Santa ♪♪ Yeah, K? ♪

♪ C.Z.? ♪♪ Say hey ♪

♪ Let's slay them pimps ♪

♪ C'mon, pimp my sleigh ♪

♪ Easy with that toy artillery ♪

♪ Torgo's Powder's deadlybut unstable ♪

♪ Can they sue for liability? ♪

Certainly not!

♪ Use as much as you are able ♪

♪ This bites, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ You signed away your rightswhen you were hired ♪

Now...BOTH: ♪ Let's fight ♪


♪ Chestnuts roasting,I'm gonna open fire ♪

♪ Prepare for gore galore ♪

♪ This Trinity's going to war! ♪

(powerful whooshing)

LEELA:Troops, you are now equippedwith the finest weapons

magical elves can build.

As for the battle plan...

And now, to present the battleplan, Commander Zap Brannigan!


(mild applause)

At ease, people.

Kif, crouch down

and shield my thighsfrom the cold, for God's sake.

(long-suffering sigh)

We fight this battle,not for ourselves

but for our childrenand our children's children.

Which is why I'm forminga Children's Brigade.

Will the following youthsplease step forward.

Cubert Farnsworth.

Here, sir!

My boy.Oh, God, no!

Dwight Slim.


You took his name?Oh, God, no!

In several ways!

(heroic theme plays)

Assuming the 15th pile ofchildren buys us a few seconds,

we will then executemaneuver 45.

Admiral, will we stop attackingat any point

or is this one of thosephony-baloney feel-good wars

like the War on Drugs?

What's your name,smart mouth?

Lars Fillmore.

Ah, the lovely Leela'son-again-off-again paramour.

Perhaps a suicide mission

would knock theinsubordination out of you.

(sotto voce):Yes, yes, yes.

We're approachingEarth, sir.


Oh, planet Earth.

The big blue velour marble.

All commanders stand by.

Prepare to transferbattle control

to the main DOOPercomputeron my mark!

(ominous heroic theme plays)

ZAP: Ten, nine, eigh...

(fading screams)

Oh, does anybody mindif I take command?



No, Miss Turanga.No, I do not.

(grunts affirmative)No.S'cool.

All right.Unit One, acquire target A

and fire!


Yes-- nailedthe children's ship.

(all laughing)

(slurps loudly)

LEELA: Unit 10, target H!

Eight-R. Two-V.


Cheatin' son of a...


GORE:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa...

(shots blipping)

LEELA: It's hopeless!

I can't coordinatethis many ships!

HERMES:Perhaps I can help!

Professor, can you wire my headdirectly into the battle grid?

I can wire anythingdirectly into anything.

I'm the Professor!

Then prepare to seea bureaucrat's brain in action.

(theme music plays)

(Hermes grunting to the beat)

♪ ♪

(shots pinging)

Finally, I get to save the Earthwith deadly lasers

instead of deadly slide shows.

♪ ♪


(all yelling)

(pained scream)

(yelling and screaming continue)

♪ ♪

(rapid gunfire and explosions)

(engines whooshing loudly)

(engines whooshing)

♪ ♪

(rockets whizzing)

(tinkling music box tune plays)

(music stops)


(all cheering)Ha, I did it!

I saved Earthand won back my woman.

Right, woman?

Oh, Hermes!Mmm! (kisses)

You haven't seen the lastof Barbados Slim!

Now good-bye forever.

(pained grunt)

Nice attack, doodoo heads.

Too bad we have one last trickup our sleeve.

I doubt that.

(Professor gasps)

My Doomsday Device!

PROFESSOR: So it was the scammers!

They sawed off my handand stole the Doomsday Device.

It wasn't them.

It was me, Bender!

The master criminal!

So what'll it be?

Unconditional surrender...


Or total destruction?

Also never!

You have 30 seconds.

Make up your minds.


People, I'm sorry.

You've never beforeheard me say those words,

or even the individual lettersthat make them up...

but I am.

And with a huge amountof modesty,

I humbly beg your forgiveness.

(excited gasps)

Uh-oh. I havea worrisome

shriveling sensationin my sprunjer.


(glass shattering)



how the Hulk did you end upwith the Doomsday Device?


I was working the long conall along....

BENDER: While sawing off the Professor's hand

with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think.

So, I asked myself, "Who could use a Doomsday Device more--

the Scammers or me, Bender?"

After several minutes of sawing,

I knew the answer.

Me, Bender.

(sawing speeds up)

So I retrieved the dummy satchel...

(sneaky chuckle)

And as soon as I was out of the scammers' control,

I pulled the old switcheroo.

And that's how I saved Earthand am the greatest.

(crowd cheering)

There,your body's good as new.

Just pop in an executivesuppository every few...

(startled gasp)


What is it?


It's supposed to bea celebration, Leela.


I was going to be married!

I was so happy.

Maybe you'll meetsomeone else someday.

No, you don't understand.

Lars is the only manI'll ever love.

I know it in my heart.


You rememberwhen we first met?


It was right therein the cryogenic lab

eight years ago today.

Meet me therein five minutes.

It's important.

(blows nose)

(humming sadly)

Why are you so sad, Leelu?

Him again?

(barks excitedly)

(thumping on glass)

Wait a second,ar-are you two...?

(soft whining)

Atanarjat, Fufu,come here!

We have to set Leelu free.

She needswhat'll make her happy,

not what'll make me happy.

(humming happily)

(moans contentedly)

Good-bye, Leelu.

(sniffles, sighs)

I don't know muchabout frozen heads,

but, of course, if it'sMahatma Gandhi, I'll...


Fry, was this an idiotic trick

to get Lars and meback together?

Quite idiotic.

But you don't needto be an idiot

to see that you twobelong together.

And, Leela, I wantwhat'll make you happy,

not what'll make me happy.

I'm sorry,I really am,

but Leela and Ijust can't be married.

Why not?

You obviously love each other.

What are you, cousins?

Fry, you deserveto know the truth,

It's because...

Nobody move!


How did you survivethe doom blast?

My doom-proof platinum vestabsorbed most of the radiation.

In retrospect, I wish I'd beenwearing doom-proof pants,

but you knowus nudists.

Now give methe time code!

I don't have it!

Nibbler heat-blasted itoff my butt.

Not you.



He doesn't have it.

He never had it.

Fry had it!

But Nibbler heat-blastedit off my butt!

I want to stressthat part.

My throbbing sprunjersays otherwise.

Now where is it?!

I'm not afraid of youor your expensive gun.

Go ahead and shoot.

Then what if I killthe woman you love?

Don't you understand,numb-neck?

He doesn't love me!

I've always loved you.

Don't hurt her.

I'll give you the code.


(dings, hissing)

(gasps)What the...?

BENDER-2 (ticking):Four... three... two...

one... boom!

(Bender laughs)

(nuts and bolts clattering)

(startled gasp)

(sobbing):Lars, no...

(quiet gasp)

(whines happily)

(grunts and groans)

(soft whine)

It's enoughjust to know you're happy.

You, too.


It's enough to knowyou're happy with Lars.

Fry, old buddy!

It's me, Bender!


My hair!


My larynx!

I'm Lars?

I'm Lars!

Wait for me, Leela!

I'll be therein a thousand years.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

So I got a jobat the Head Museum

and waited for the wonderful daywhen Leela would arrive.

Everything was perfect--

until Hermes explodedat our wedding.

That's when I learned that,as a time paradox duplicate,

I, too, was doomed.

I couldn't put Leelathrough that.

So I called it off.

I'm sorry, Leela.

(sniffling):I understand.

That concludes anotherSilly Willy video will.

He was a good man, Leela.

Yeah... you were.

Well, I guess thatwraps everything up

in a niceparadox-free bow.

Not quite,my wrinkly brother.

Right on.

In order for any of thisto make any sense at all,

someone must makeone final trip back in time

to put the code on Fry's assin the first place.

Hmm. Sounds like a jobfor me, Bender.

(spouting time code)

BENDER:Mission accomplished!

You put the time code on my ass?

Eh, someone's ass.

Oh, and guess what?

I met all these really cool guyswith treasure

down in the limestone cavern

so, I invited themto stick around

instead of coming up when theywere logically supposed to.

(whimpers quietly)

No... no!

Everyone out of the universe,


Eh, what's the worstthat can happen?

(rumbling, rattling)

(sustained screaming, imploding)

(deep rumbling)

(ripping, crackling)

(rumbling continues)

Well, we're boned.