Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani discuss Kumail's snazzy new jacket and welcome comedians Sean Patton, Matt Braunger, Claudia O'Doherty, Adam Pally and Gil Ozeri.
Thank you so muchfor coming to the first--
Thanks for comingto the Meltdown!
Of Season Two...
We're getting fancy.I've got a new plaid.
We're going-- Kumail's got thefanciest piece of clothingI've ever seen him wear.
Two fabrics! Look at that! Yougot this one, then watch out!
Am I gonna smudge it?
Everybody has different thingsthey do when they stress.
Jonah starts like weirdlyinsulting people.
Yeah.Do you notice that?
But then, like--
If you question him about it,he's like, "What?"
And Kumail just gets mad.Yeah.
And I stay cool.
This is my favorite part.
Backstage, I was like,"That's a nice jacket."
And he immediately gotself-conscious about it...
'cause it is not a T-shirt witha video game reference on it.
Who doesn't like this jacket?
Do you not--
That's a weird spotto put somebody in.
It's like, "I'm a good person,right?"
Like, you don't ask people that.
Because you're not.No, I just--
If you have to ask,you're not a good person.
So, you like this jacket?That's what that means?
It's my favorite jacket...It is--
based off of a jacketfrom Back to the Future Part 2.
Hi, everyone,I'm Claudia O'Doherty.
I like chilling out, relaxing,and taking a load off.
Nothing makes me happier thanhaving a good, old sit down.
And nothing makes me sadderthan an enthusiastic, new...
small business that's usingall the wrong fonts...
and you know is doomed to fail.
But that's by the by.
I'm a stand-up comedienne,technically.
But recently, I've diversifiedmy horizons and I'm thrilled...
to tell you about a reallyexciting, new partnershipI've just made.
Don't worry, ladies, I'm nottalking about your husbands.
Um... no, tonight,I'm in bed with...
the National Chair Association.
They're paying me $100to talk about chairs.
Eh, I've lost them,cut the lights, please.
Please turn off the lights,turn off the lights.
Oh, my god! Did somebodycut the power?
Yes! I have, because I'm madand I have a gun!
Get on the floor!
Empty your pockets!
Your left pocket is fullof what you thought you knewabout chairs!
Your right pocket is full of allof the hang-ups...
you've accumulatedover your entire life.
I'm putting all that stuffin the furnace.
Agh! Agh! Agh!
That's what a furnacesounds like!
You can turn the lightson again now.
This jacket's tearingthe show apart.
- We love this guy, he's on the show all the time.
We're so glad he could be here tonight.
Please everybody welcome, Sean Patton.
- Fuck off my stage!
That was far too aggressive.
Today was a good like California...
You know sun, feel likethe kind of day you
roll your shoulders back, you take in more air.
You just walk, you'rein the fucking woods all
of a sudden, it's fine.
Like this wooded area, what's that?
What is that basil?
Yes, I'm hungry.
Just eat basil fresh from the earth.
What is that, cilantro?
I wanted a dog, who owns a dog here?
Yeah man, I wanted a dog today so bad.
I wanted to have a dog, not own a dog.
I wanted to have a dog.
I didn't want to get a dog from a pound,
today I wanted to find a dog in the woods
and we decide right then and
there is this forever, you know.
It'd be a little, I'd give it some puddle water
like there you go friend, you see.
I let it decide to come with me.
I hold the Uber door open,like want to make this forever?
Take the dog home, nevereven look at its gender
because it doesn't even matter, does it?
Let it choose its name.
What's your name bud?
What am I a slave owner, no.
What's your name?
You know those people exist right?
Probably here in this room, there are some of you
like, we let him choose his own
name because he's his own being.
I said what's your name,
the dog (barkingsound), that's his name.
(barking sound) that's his name.
He's (barking sound).
I would love to live next to that person.
When they let the dog out to piss and it just ran away
and they're out in their yard like (barking sound)
Come on boy.
They don't know that they can't do it.
Come on boy.
Have you seen (barking sound)?
We've got to make posters.
Dog missing, answers to, how do you spell? (barking sound)
Do we ulot, is there a...?
They just live in a world where you can
write lost dog songs, songs, songs, on the wall.
These lamps throw me off when I'm trying to concentrate.
Who here by round of applause is familiar
with the phrase Irish goodbye?
I think all of you are, maybe you just don't know it.
An Irish goodbye iswhen you're drinking at
a bar with your friendsand you have so much
that you just leave, without saying
anything to anyone, not even yourself.
You just sort of (groaning noise),
I'm just gonna find...
And you're out the door.
Now how many of you have Irish goodbyed your friends,
gotten like 15 minutes away, realized you
left your keys andyour phone on the table
at the bar and had to go back and pretend
like you didn't just Irish goodbye your friends
who are now angry because an hour's gone by
and you've been missing and they're
in your face like, where have you been?
You're like, Canada, Australia.
Where have you been?
Where's anybody, who's been?
I'm omnipotent, I'll be where I choose.
Why is it an inquisition, huh?
Why you saying this?
Why you saying this?
That one's called a Scottish hello.
Because now you have tofight for your freedom.
My cousin is Canadian.
I visit him all the time, and he doesn't call it
an Irish goodbye, he refers to it as a backdoor-betty.
That's a different, like I saw him he was hung over,
he lives in Toronto, I saw him he was all
hung over, and I was like what happened?
He's like, oh I got hammered last night,
I just backdoor-bettiedRaul and PJ.
I hope they're okay.
Oh, you fucked your roommates in the ass, cool man, great.
See that's the thing,now that I know there's
crossover between thosetwo things, phrases,
all I want to do is one day
Irish goodbye a backdoor-betty.
But someone's nice enough to let
you have anal sex with them, and you're,
yeah that's the tight stuff that I, yeah.
Just leave them there!
Like come on, just put it back in.
Do it, I like it.
That sounded like it came from a place of identifying.
Of someone who hadanal sex on the street,
and been left mid way through.
In fact, how many by round of applause,
how many people here have never been tested for an STD?
- Caught themselves before they realized,
oh Jesus that's, yeahget tested you monster!
You, one handed monster!
I hope you were slapping, I hope you were going,
I hope that's what you did.
It's airborne, you can breathe it in.
Like it's, it's not look, okay whoever you are
it is not good, it is never like if you're a male
guess what, they will put a q-tip into your urethra,
remove and repeat over and over again.
I know, and I've heard other men be like, nope never!
Put a q-tip in my dick?
Yeah it's uncomfortablebut I bet it
hurts a lot less than pissing lava.
It's the worst thing,and I mean it's not cool
like women, it's equally as,
if you're a woman, equally as awkward.
I think you've got to get in there,
put your legs in the stirrups, like get naked,
sit in the chair, the legs in the stirrups,
they spread your legs, and then a doctor comes over
and releases a meerkat into your vagina.
Return in three moons, and then you have,
that's your life for the next three
moons however long that is.
You're just roaming around with a meerkat in your guts.
And then you finallyreturn, you hope you're
not early or late, hey oh she had the,
blow the horn ofMordoria, (horn sound).
And then, the meerkat, ah what news have you friend?
Of her innards.
And if it comes back bald,
they're like oh no, you have AIDS.
I was tested a year ago, okay.
I did something stupid, I met a woman in Cincinnati
and that's not the stupid thing, not the stupid thing.
But I met her and we hadunprotected sex twice.
No condom used at her request,
which is dumb but hey I'm a romantic.
And sometimes you think you're
awesome and so does one other person.
But I was still nervousabout it and I got back
to New York where I lived at the time,
I decided like oh I should probably,
hmm yeah, I went and got tested.
You have to return four and a half,
four to five dayslater for your results.
Did I just fling sweat all over you by accident?
Okay, I thought I did, I was trying to.
But anyway, (whistle) splat!
I went and got tested,you have to return four
days later for your results, I wasn't
nervous until I got there because
I'm not a sexually deviant person.
Like I get laid moreor less than you think.
It's really you in this situation.
But here I'll paint the picture for you,
if there were a bar andevery woman I'd ever
slept were were in that bar and you walked in there
your reaction would be,oh there's people here.
You wouldn't be like, oh dead in there!
Nor would you go, too crowded.
You'd be like, oh this is nice!
There's a table, there'sthe drink specials.
But I was still panicking, I was suddenly like
the irrational fears, like what if I have uh, glaucoma?
What if I have sexuallytransmitted glaucoma?
How do they cure that?
And then suddenly, my fears were shattered because
the nurse, she startsshouting my name at full
volume which soundedlike this, Sean Patton,
Sean Patton, Sean Patton, Sean Patton!
And yes, your assumption is correct,
she was named Beatrice and from Jamaica.
Get in here young man, get in here!
Why you show up late?
Why you late for your appointment?
Why you show up late for your appointment,
when you make an appointment you show up on time,
you don't not waste the day of
the people working at the clinic.
And I'm like, immediately enamored with this woman.
Because I want her to be my aunt, my new aunt Beatrice.
She's just lacing into me right away and
she said, why you come inhere, you look wholesome to me.
And maybe that's what she meant but I still
read too far into it and was like, what does that mean?
What do you think I can't get an STD?
You think I'm not sexually irresponsible enough?
Woman, I'm a scorpio, you don't know me.
But I didn't say any of that to my new aunt Beatrice.
I just told her thetruth, I said, ma'am I'm
here because I have hadunprotected sex, twice.
And without missing a beat she goes, twice?
Who you think you is, RoboCop?
Now, if I lost anyone,
I told her I had had unprotected sex twice,
her response was, who you think you is, RoboCop.
What does that mean?
The floor is open.
I've seen all three RoboCop films, numerous times.
RoboCop shoots a lot ofbad guys, blows a lot
of things up, saves a lot of good guys.
Never once, has sex ever, protected or unprotected,
he's a cyborg, he doesn't have a dick anymore.
You can argue that maybeshe was trying to imply
that I thought I was invincible and
using RoboCop as an example, maybe.
But that'd be too easy,I think that they made
a fourth RoboCop in Jamaica and we haven't seen
it yet where RoboCop becomes aware that he still has
a human penis and is now all about getting,
me RoboCop, me come to smash all the puss.
And RoboCop horny all the damn time,
me need bust me Robo-nut.
Oh bend over pretty lady, me so
horny, me start to sound Irish.
(shooting sounds) Break some of that lordy mercy.
Oh thank you for that, me bust me Robo-nut.
RoboCop still horny!
Ah, second pretty lady, no me
don't use no condom, me RoboCop.
Ah, your tight puss making me feel Irish.
Oh RoboCop satisfied.
What, why do it itch?
Ah why do me Robo-human penis burn?
Scanning, disease detected, no!
But me only had two unprotected encounter.
Who me think me is?
And just for the record, by the way, my results, clean.
Clean as Detroit city after RoboCop
cleaned up all the scum there.
Thank you very much!
- I could've done it.
It's so disrespectful...It is!
for you not to eat a burgerI have given you.
You are not walking out of herewithout eating a fucking burgertoday.
I feel like-- I feel like a lotof you right now are like...
"Well, this can't be it, there'sa bit that's gonna happen."
There is nothing else!This is it, guys!
You are eating-- a fuckingburger today!You better eat that burger.
Goddamn it, I want oneof them burgers so bad.
You know what? I will say,"Good for fucking you."
Everyone give a round ofapplause for this guy.Come here! Come here!
Stand up! Stand up!No, stand up!
What's your name?Evan.
Okay, Evan--Now are you an original memberof Incubus?
We have to say something to you,because you have been eatingyour burger.
Anybody that ate their burger,we want you to knowthis message.
You're a fucking pig.Disgusting.
You're a fucking pig.You're fucking gross.
You fucking think you're betterthan everyone thatdidn't take a burger?
You're fucking sick!You fucking grab loose meatfrom two strangers?
You're fucking eating loose meaton television!
Sit the fuck down!What the fuck!
Jesus Christ!Jesus Christ!
If you're eating a burger,you're disgusting.
And then, if you're not eatinga burger, you're also fuckingdisgusting.
You know what, Pally?You know what?
Do me a favor, spit in my face.
Now I didn't want to do that.
He didn't want to do that!I didn't want to do that.
I didn't want to do that.But we needed a wayto show you...
what you guys are beinglike right now.
I know it seemed like I didit without hesitation...
but I was like,"I don't want to do--"
Can I have that burger, sir?
Show everybody how to eat.I think-- yeah.
This is how you eat a burger.
We are going to show you how toproperly not eat and eat afucking burger...
It's not that hard.at the same time.
Dude, stop it!
No, you're gonna eat the fuckingburger!
I can't eat a burger.No, you're gonna eat the fuckingburger.
I can't eat the burger.Eat the goddamn burger!
I don't want--dude, get away from me!
I don't want to eat the fuckingburger, man!
Eat the fucking burger!
You eat this fucking burger!
Come on, you little fuckingIsraeli!
I'll fucking kill youright here!
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