Wednesday, June 10, 2015

  • 06/10/2015

Megan Neuringer, Brandon Johnson and Jon Daly start a poetry slam, come up with #WeedCartoons and spoil the finale of "Bones."

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

THE UNITED STATES HAS A NEWPOET LAUREATE, RIGHT.

JUAN FELIPE HERRERA, AMERICA'SFIRST LATINO POET LAUREATE

BEAT OUT ALL THE OTHER POETS BY A

WIDE MARGIN AND SIMPLY DOMINATEDTHE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.

HERRERA, SEEN HERE IN HUMANFORM, WRITES POETRY THAT IS

HEARTFELT AND BEAUTIFUL ANDIMPORTANT, I ASSUME.

BUT IT'S 21st CENTURY, ILIKE MY POETRY LIKE I LIKE

MY BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S:SLAMMED!

>>DAD, YOU ARE THE---I HAVE EVERMET.

THANK YOU. IF IT WASN'T FORYOU, I WOULDN'T BE HALF THE---I

AM TODAY.

>> JUST SAYING.

>>CHRIS: TAKE THAT, DAD.

ISN'T THAT SORT OF THESUBTEXT OF ALL SLAM POETRY?

>> I DIDN'T KNOW "DUCK DYNASTY"HAD A POETRY SHOW.

(APPLAUSE)>> CHRIS: A HUNDRED POINTS FOR

THAT.

>> SO MUCH RACISM, HARD TOCONTAIN.

>>CHRIS: QUACK, QUACK, PHILROBERTSON.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, GIVEUS A QUICK POEM FROM

AMERICAN'S SLAM POET LAUREATE

>> BLACK BODIES SWIM AT POOLPARTY, WHITE COPS NOT

INVITED. SO MUCH JEALOUSY. NIGHTSTICK, NIGHT STICK, NIGHT STICK.

(APPLAUSE)

>>CHRIS: DUDE, THAT'S LIKE AREAL SERIOUS SLAM POET-- THAT'S

REAL.

THAT'S REAL.

>> THAT'S WHY I'M DOING THIS.

SLAM IT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, MEGANNEURINGER.

>> O.

M.

G.

LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN, ONFLEEK, ON FLEEK, BLACK

BABY EMOJI.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

>> JON DALY.

>> MEGAN, BRANDON, CHRIS ANDME TOO. AREN'T WE A HANDSOME

CREW?

HERE WE ARE IN THE WITCHINGHOUR, YET NO ONE'S FACE IS

LOOKING SOUR.

WE'RE ALL GRINNING FROM EARTO EAR, THANKFUL FOR THE

MANY BLESSINGS WE'VE BEENGIVEN THIS YEAR.

POINTS, POINTS AND POINTSFOR ALL.

WAS @MIDNIGHT FUN?

MOM, I HAD A BALL.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS.

>>CHRIS: THIS IS SLAM POETRY,NOT "PRARIE HOME COMPANION."

>> YEAH, I RHYMED, IT'SBETTER WHEN YOU RHYME.

>> I THOUGHT AT THE END, HE WASGONNA GO "WAKA FLOCKA!"

>> THAT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AHUGE LAUGH.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

WE WERE KINDA STUMPED TONIGHT.'CAUSE IT'S VERY HARD TO COME UP

WITH A NEW HASHTAG EVERY NIGHT

TO GET YOU GUYS TO INTERACT.

SHOULD WE HASHTAG "RUIN APERFECTLY NORMAL CHILDHOOD"

OR "GAY CITIES"? SO HARD TODECIDE. SO TO PROCRASTINATE

WE CLICKED AROUND FACEBOOKAND FOUND INSPIRATION IN THE

MOST MAGICLY MIND-NUMBING OFPLACES, A VID TITLED

"SMOKE WEED."

♪ SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY ♪ SMOKE

♪ EVERY DAY ♪ WEED EVERY DAY

♪(APPLAUSE)

NOW I WOULD HAVE GONE WITHTOKEMON BUT SMOKE WEED IS FINE.

BUT SUDDENLY IT'S ALL SO CLEAR,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WOULD HENCE

BE KNOWN AS #WEEDCARTOONS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THEJOINTSONS, OR DONALD DANK OR

SPLEEF GHOST, TOAST TOTOAST.

INCIDENTALLY I'M BEINGINFORMED THAT THE @MIDNIGHT

TWITTER ACCOUNT IS JUST PAST420,000 FOLLOWERS, SO THAT IS

APPROPRIATE.

(APPLAUSE)I'M GOING TO OUT PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDBEGIN.

>> MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> SCOOBY DOOBIE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

BRANDON.

>>NUGRATS

>> NARFIELD.

>> POWER PUFF-PUFF-PASS GIRLS

>> TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETSTHE HIGH

>> GANJA AND CRAIG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> HE-MAN, LET'S GET HIGH.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

OH MY GOD, I THINK THISIS SOME BAD [BLEEP]. YOUR

FACE IS JUST A SKELETON.

BRANDON.

>> INSTEAD OF RICK ANDMORTY, BRICK AND 40.

>>CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> G-I-O-G-I KUSH JOE.

G-I-O-G-I KUSH JOE.

YOU SAID SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY.

>>CHRIS: I DID.

I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCEGIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT MESS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY YOURFAVORITE eBAY BASE GAME SHOW

SPOOF 'EM UP, eBAY PRICE ISRIGHT.

COMEDIANS, COME ON DOWN!

YOU'RE ALREADY HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU ASELECTION OF FANTASTIC ITEMS

FROM POPULAR ONLINEAUCTIONEER SITE, BAY OF E.

THE COMEDIAN WHO COMESCLOSEST TO THE BUY IT NOW

PRICE WITHOUT GOING OVERWILL WIN A BRAND-NEW POINTS.

THIS ISN'T REALLY CONNECTEDTO ANYTHING iT TURNS OUT.

OUR FIRST ITEM UP FOR BID, ATHICK AND FUZZY HANDKNITTED

MOHAIR CAT SUIT.

LOOKING FOR NEW TEMPTATIONSFOR YOUR FETISH COLLECTION?

THE VARIETY OF HANDKNITTEDMOHAIR PRODUCTS IN MY

BOUTIQUE IS DETERMINED ONLYBY YOUR IMAGINATION, IF

THERE IS SUCH.

COULD THERE EVER EVEN BESUCH?

WITH THIS SUPREME QUALITY,NEW, IN PERFECT CONDITION--BUY

IT NOW, ADD IT TO THE CART.COMEDIANS, WHAT DO YOU NEED

TO BID ON TO GET THIS THING.

LET'S START WITH YOU, MEGAN.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY $10 BUTFOR ALL THE MOS WHO DIED

GIVING THEIR HAIR TO MAKETHIS SUIT, MOHAIR.

>>CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, $10.

MEGAN SAYS $10.

BRANDON.

NICE TO SEE YOU HERE.

>> GOOD TO HE SEE YOU.

I REALLY, REALLY WANTTHAT.

I WANT THAT.

I'M GOING TO SAY $79

PAYABLE IN MOLLYWORLD PILLS.

>>CHRIS: JON DALY.

>> GOD, YOU SMELL GOOD.

OH, GOD, OH, OH.

OH, GOD THIS IS SUCH A SEXYEXPERIENCE.

>>CHRIS: OH, WAIT, GIVE ME AMINUTE, THIS NEVER HAPPENED

TO ME BEFORE, THIS NEVERHAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

OH, YEAH.

GOD THAT FUZZY LADY'S SEXY,CHRIS. IF I WANT TO HAVE SEX

DO I HAVE TO CUT A HOLE INTHIS THING OR IS IT ALREADY

THERE?

>>CHRIS: I THINK IT'S MOHAIR,YOU COULD PUSH A HOLE THROUGH

IT.

>> $1.

>> CHRIS: $1.

JON DALY SAYS $1.

ACTUAL BUY IT NOW PRICE IS$516!

THAT MEANS BRANDON JOHNSONWINS.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. ICAN'T WAIT TO WEAR IT.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ITEM UP FOR BID, ARIKERS POLYCARBONATE MALE

CHASITY DEVICE KIT, THERE

IT IS. BY THE WAY, 57 SOLDALREADY, GUYS, WITH A

LOCKING CHASITY DEVICE ITWILL BE LOCKED AWAY UNTIL

YOU DECIDE TO SET IT FREE. THEDEVIOUS CAGE IS THE

ERGONOMIC DESIGN THAT YOU SEE HERE,

BOTH ADJUSTABLE ANDLOCKABLE.

THE HYPOALLERGENIC CAGE ISSTURDY YET SEMIFLEXIBLE WITH

AN OPENING FOR URETHARAL ACCESSAND EXTENDED WEAR.

IF YOU LOVE THIS, SET THEMFREE.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DO YOU BID ONTHESE GENITAL GROUCHO GLASSES?

WE'LL START WITH YOU, MEGAN.

>>THIS IS TRULY-- THIS IS ATREASURE.

THIS IS A TREASURE FORTHE MAN THAT I WOULD MARRY.

IT IS LIKE A FEMALEENGAGEMENT RING.

>>CHRIS: OKAY.

I TELL YOU WHAT, BEFOREYOU EVEN ANSWER ANY FURTHER,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT INPERSON?

>> I WOULD SAY IT'S SO BIG,

ITS'S SO BIG.

>> TOO BIG FOR ME.

>>CHRIS: WHAT IS THIS, AKARDASHIAN PACIFIER?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S LIKE$150.

I'M TALKING IT SOSERIOUSLY.

>>CHRIS: BRANDON, YOU'RE IN ARELATIONSHIP WITH A DOM.

SHE WANTS TO LOCK UP YOURDONG UNTIL SHE DECIDES IT'S

READY.

WHAT IS YOUR BID?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY $75.83.

>>CHRIS: $75.83.

>> IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW THEPRICE.

>> BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MYMOMMA PAID FOR IT.

>>CHRIS: JON, YOU JUST CAME HOMEAND REALIZED THAT--YOU WAKE UP

ONE MORNING AND YOU SEE THISON YOUR PENIS, YOU REALIZE

YOU'RE DICK DIDN'T PAY ALL ITSPARKING TICKETS SO--

>> YEAH. YOU GOT TO GETIT REMOVED.

LET ME SEE, I LOVE LITTLEPLASTIC DICKS, SO YOU KNOW,

I REALLY WANT -->>CHRIS: HERE COMES THE DICK

CHOO-CHOO!>>OKAY, CHRIS. OKAY, CHRIS.

I WANT IT TO SO BAD AND I'MJUST GOING TO BE A DICK AND

SAY $1 AGAIN.

>>CHRIS: $1.

>>DICK MOVE.

>>CHRIS: THE ACTUAL BUY IT NOWPRICE OF THIS WONDERFUL

DEVICE IS $29.99.

JON DALY GETS ONE.

THAT IS THE END OF EBAY PRICE ISRIGHT.

COMEDIANS, BEFORE THE BREAKI ASKED TO YOU WRITE A

REVIEW OF THIS CROCHETDRESS AS THIS CAT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

MEGAN, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> MEOW. MY (BLEEP) CAUSESMENTAL ILLNESS.

LOVE THE TOP.

>> CHRIS: IT DOES, IT DOES.

>> YEAH. SCHIZOPHRENIA

>>CHRIS: BRANDON.

>> AFTER YEARS OFPUSSY-SHAMING, FINALLY GAVE

UP SHAVING MY ARMPITS, BRO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>>CHRIS: JON DALY.

>> CHRIS, MEOW, MEOW SO SEXYIN MEOW NEW CROPTOP, MEOW

FEEL LIKE MEOWY CYRUS.

OH, PUT YOUR BARBED CATPENIS INTO MY NEVER

CONCEALED CAT HOLE.

THANK YOU!

FINALLY!

AS WE JUMP

TO OUR NEXT GAME, NO BONESABOUT IT, NO BONES ABOUT IT.

>> MANKIND HAS GRAPPLED WITHA FEW ETERNAL QUESTIONS. WHAT

IS THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE?IS THERE A GOD? WHAT IS THE

SHOW "BONES" ABOUT?

IT IS AN AGE-OLD MYSTERY. BUTHERE IS WHAT WE DO KNOW.

"BONES" IS a HIGHLY SUCCESSFULFOX SERIES THAT WILL WRAP UP

ITS 10th SEASON TONIGHT.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVENEVER MET ONE PERSON WHO HAS

EVER SEEN ONE EPISODE OF IT,I'M NOT ACTUALLY, I CAN'T

PROVE THAT ANYONE HAS EVERSEEN An EPISODE OF IT, I JUST

KNOW IT'S PART OF ACONSPIRACY TO KEEP DAVID

BOREANAZ ON TELEVISION SINCE"BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER"

SO COMEDIANS, AS SOMEONE WHOHAS NEVER SEEN "BONES," I

WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ASMANY SPOILERS FOR TONIGHT'S

SEASON FINALE AS YOU CAN.

MAKE THEM UP OFF THE TOP OFYOUR HEAD WITH THE BEST

AVAILABLE INFORMATION BASEDON THE NO INFORMATION WE

HAVE, IN 60 SECONDS, ANDBEGIN.

MEGAN.

>> SAMUEL L. JACKSON ASKSBONES TO JOIN THE AVENGERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WORKSON THE SHOW SO I KNOW WHAT

HAPPENS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

>> THE FOOT BONE IS CONNECTEDTO THE LEG BONE.

>> CHRIS: OH NO.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

MEGAN.

>> IRONICALLY ENOUGH, BONESGETS OSTEOPOROSIS WHICH IS

NOT IRONIC.

>>CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> BRANDON.

>> THE LEG BONE IS CONNECTED TOTHE HIP BONE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JON.

>> BONES ENDS UP GETTINGBURIED BY A DOG.

>> CHRIS:THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.I WOULD WATCH THE [BLEEP]

OUT OF THAT IF THAT WERE THECASE.

BRANDON.

>> HIP BONE IS CONNECTED TOTHE BACKBONE WHICH IS

CONNECTED TO THE HEAD BONE.