CC Presents: Jack Coen

  • 09/03/1999

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE DOWN--

OH, ALL RIGHT.

( laughing )

UM, JUST KIDDINGWITH YOU THERE, BUD.

MAN, LOOK AT YOU, BUD.

HUH? WHAT'S WITH THE TOOTH?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

NO, LOOK AT YOU.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE IN HERE?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

TWENTY-TWO.

TWENTY-TWO.

I HATE YOU.

22 YEARS OLD.

THAT'S GREAT.

OH, MAN.

ENJOY IT.

I'M OBSESSED WITH AGE.

I JUST TURNED 40 THIS PAST YEAR.

IT WAS PRETTY TRAUMATIC.

( applause )

YOU'RE APPLAUDING THAT?

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY.

IT WAS TRAUMATIC FOR ME--

NOT AS TRAUMATIC AS TURNING GAY,BUT STILL IT WAS...

( laughing )

I'M KIDDING.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW I'M 40

'CAUSE I CAN EVEN IMPLYTHAT I MIGHT BE GAY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS 22 I WAS

( tough voice ):SHUT UP, MAN, I AIN'T GAY.

SHUT UP. I'LL KILL YOU, MAN,I'LL KILL YOU.

NOW I'M LIKE,OH, YOU THINK I'M 37?

FINE, I'M A QUEER, WHATEVER.

35, I'M A LITTLE PINK COWBOY.

OOH-OOH.

JUST-JUST...

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN OBSESSEDMY WHOLE LIFE

WITH STAYING IN SHAPEAND WORKING OUT AND EVERYTHING.

BUT I'M TELLING YOU I'M 40.

IN ANOTHER 40 YEARS I'LL BE 80.

THERE'S NO STOPPING IT.

I'M AT A CROSSROADS

AND I'M THINKING ABOUTMAYBE I SHOULD START DRINKING

AND EATING EVERYTHINGI WANT TO EAT.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW,WHEN YOU'RE 22--

OH, I HATE YOU.

I...LIKE WHEN YOU HURT SOMETHING

IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSEYOU DID SOMETHING, HUH?

( laughing )

I GOT THE FLUTHIS YEAR--

I STARTED COUGHING,I PULLED A MUSCLE.

( coughing )

I GO AND GET MY EYES CHECKED

AND I'VE ALWAYS HADAMAZING VISION--

REALLY GOOD VISION

AND I GO TO GET MY EYES CHECKED

AND THE DOCTOR SAYSONE EYE HAS GONE BAD.

HOW DOES ONE EYE GO BAD?

I DON'T REMEMBEROVERUSING ONE EYE.

YOU GUYS WANT TO PLAY SOME BALL?

LET'S PLAY SOME BALL.

NO, I'M SAVING THIS ONEUNTIL I'M 40.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I DON'T MEAN TO SAY--I'M JUST KIDDING

'CAUSE I KNOW AT 22 YOU PROBABLYTHINK WE'RE GOING TO FIGHT.

JUST--

IS HE TALKING TO ME?

I'LL KICK HIS ASS.I'LL KILL HIM.

I'M JUST--I ENVY YOU.

22... I REMEMBER WHEN I WASDRIVING WHEN I WAS 22 YEARS OLD.

IF I HAD TO CHECK TRAFFIC

I'D JUST WHIP AROUND,CHECK TRAFFIC.

NOW I'M 40, I'VE NOTICEDI'M STARTING TO DO THIS:

UH... ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S AS FAR AS I CHECKRIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WHEN I'M 70,I'M GOING TO BE THAT GUY...

I'M COMING IN.

( applause )

50-50 CHANCE THERE'S EITHERA CAR THERE

OR IT'S NOT-- I DON'T CARE.

KIND OF HOPING IT'S A TRUCK.

IS THAT MY TEMPER'S NOT AS BADAS IT USED TO BE.

I USED TO HAVE A REALLY--DO YOU HAVE A BAD TEMPER?

SOME... YEAH, YOU DO.

YOU JUST HAVE ITWHEN YOU'RE 20, 19

20... YOU JUST

( growling )

THAT'S THE WAY I WASALL THE TIME.

I WAS THE KIND OF GUY WHENI BANGED MY HEAD ON A CABINET

I'D PUNCH THE CABINET

LIKE SOMEHOW THE CABINETDID IT ON PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW... BAM!OH, BAM! OH!

( grumbling )

AND THAT RAGE IS STILL THERE

IT JUST DOESN'T OVERWHELM MELIKE IT DID WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

NOW, IT'S LIKE, BAM!

( laughing )

( laughing ):OH, YOU'RE LUCKY.

YOU'RE SO LUCKY.

( sighs )

DO YOU HAVE A WILL?

NO, YOU DON'THAVE A WILL.

YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHINGTO LEAVE YET.

YOU KNOW WHY YOU NEED A WILL?

'CAUSE IT COSTS WAY TOO MUCHMONEY TO BURY SOMEBODY NOW.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR--I DON'T WANT MY WIFE AND KIDS

TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON MEGETTING ME IN THE GROUND.

YOU KNOW THE AVERAGE COST?ANYBODY KNOW?

$8,000-10,000 JUST TO GETSOMEBODY IN THE GROUND NOW.

WHAT A SCAM.

REMEMBER THE OLD DAYS?GRANDMA DIED...

YOU BROUGHT HERIN THE BACKYARD;

YOU BURIED HER.

TRACT HOUSING RUINED THAT.

YOU CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSETO A FAMILY WITH A PET.

TWO WEEKS LATER:

WHAT YOU GOT THERE, BOY?

IS THAT AN ARTIFICIAL HIP?

IT COSTS TOO MUCH MONEY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THESE FUNERAL DIRECTORS,THEY'RE THE WORST.

THEY WILL RIP YOU OFF BIG TIME

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,YOU'VE LOST YOUR LOVED ONE

YOU'RE DISTRAUGHT

YOU GO THEREAND THAT GUY, HE KNOWS IT.

HE TAKES ADVANTAGE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SITTING,GOING, "WHATEVER IT TAKES."

( as funeral director ):WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO WANTEXTRA PADDING IN THE CASKET.

HE'S GOING TO BE DOWN THEREA LONG TIME.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT;YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.

MY FATHER DIED YEARS BACK

AND I WATCHED THIS GUYSELL MY MOTHER A $700 PILLOW.

YEAH, I DIDN'T WANTTO ARGUE WITH HER.

SHE JUST LOST HER SOUL MATE.

BUT I KEPT THINKING

GEEZ, MOM, LET'S JUST TAKETHE ONE OFF THE BED.

( laughing )

IT WAS HIS FAVORITE.

AT THE VERY LEAST

LET'S GO TOBED, BATH AND BEYOND.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THAT.

( applause )

I HOPE SO.

YOU'RE NOT MARRIED, ARE YOU?

NO, OKAY.

I'M MARRIED A LONG TIME.

REAL LONG TIME.

I'M SORRY, WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

I, UH...

NO, I'LL TELL YOU

YOU KNOW YOU'RE MARRIED A LONGTIME WHEN THIS HAPPENS--

THIS HAPPENS TO ME AND...

AT NIGHT WHEN I'M DREAMING

AND A NAKED WOMAN APPROACHES MEIN MY DREAMS--

I TELL HER I'M MARRIED.

( laughing )

HOW SAD IS THAT?

I CAN HEAR MY SUBCONSCIOUSYELLING AT ME:

NAIL HER!

I SET THIS ALL UP FOR YOU,YOU IDIOT.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO FEEL BADWHEN I WAKE UP.

MARRIED 14 YEARS IN MAY--THIS MAY.

14 AND...

( applause )

MY SON WILL BE 14 IN OCTOBER.

YOU'RE NOT GOOD WITH MATHEITHER, ARE YOU, BUD?

OOH-OOH.

IT'S VERY, VERY ODD

TO FIND MYSELF AS A FATHER.

YOU KNOW, I'M PART OF THATBABY BOOM GENERATION

THAT THOUGHT WE'D NEVER GROW UP

AND NOW I'M IN CHARGE,AND I-I FORGET.

YOU KNOW, MY KIDS WILL STARTFIGHTING OR SOMETHING.

I KEEP WAITING FOR MY DADTO COME IN AND...

HEY, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF;DAD'S GOING TO...

I ALWAYS HEARMY FATHER'S VOICE NOW, TOO.

IT'S LIKE, I'M SURE HE'SLAUGHING IN HIS GRAVE

'CAUSE I REMEMBER I USED TO ASK

DAD, WHERE DID ALL THOSE

WRINKLES COME FROMIN YOUR FACE?

( as dad ):YOU, YOUR BROTHER

AND YOUR ( bleep ) SISTER.

( laughing )

IT'S TRUE.

HE WAS SO MUCH BETTER AT ITTHAN I AM.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKEI'M PLAYING THE ROLE OF DAD.

I REMEMBER WHAT MY DAD DID,AND I JUST ACT LIKE HIM.

YOU KNOW,I FEEL LIKE AN IMPOSTOR

'CAUSE I HAVE TO DISCIPLINEMY CHILDREN

FOR THINGS THAT I REALLYENJOYED DOING

WHEN I WAS A KID.

BUT NOW I'M IN CHARGE.

YOU KNOW, MY SON WILL SAYSOMETHING TO MY WIFE--

HEY, HEY, HEY,THAT'S YOUR MOTHER.

YOU DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOTHERLIKE THAT.

THAT'S YOUR MOTHER.

BUT IN MY HEAD I'M THINKING:

THAT WAS KIND OF FUNNY.

YOU GOT A POINT.

SHE'S GRUMPY IN THE MORNING.

I'M WITH YOU.

I HAVE A SON, UH, 13,AND MY DAUGHTER'S EIGHT

AND THEY'RE REALLY GOOD KIDS.

SMART--GEEZ, THEY'RE REAL SMART.

STRAIGHT "A" STUDENTS.

MY SON IS IN THOSEGIFTED CHILD PROGRAMS.

HE'S WAY... HE'S SO SMART

I'M LIKE THAT CLOSETO A BLOOD TEST.

OH, PLEASE, HE'S INTHE GIFTED CHILD PROGRAM.

I WENT TO SCHOOLON THE LITTLE BUS.

( laughing )

THEY'RE GOOD KIDS.

WE DON'T HIT OUR CHILDREN.

MY WIFE TOLD MEIT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

THAT WE DIDN'T HIT THEM.

WE DO THE TIME-OUT METHOD

'CAUSE IT WORKS SO GOODIN HOCKEY.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE A BROTHER SIX-THREE

AND I NEVER APPRECIATEDBEING THE SMALL GUY GETTING HIT

AND I NEVER WANT TO HIT

A SMALLER PERSON THAN ME,YOU KNOW?

MY SON, HE'S ONLY 13AND HE'S ALREADY MY HEIGHT.

SO I'M REAL GLAD I DIDN'T HITHIM WHEN HE WAS YOUNG.

AS IT IS, I'M SCARED TO DEATHWHEN I'M 60

HE'S GOING TO HOLD ME DOWNAND TICKLE ME TILL I PEE.

NOT SO FUNNY, IS IT, DAD?

STOP!I DON'T HAVE MY DEPENDS ON, BOY.

KNOCK IT OFF.

BUT, YOU KNOW,IF THE TRUTH BE KNOWN

I DON'T HIT MY CHILDREN

BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T THINKI COULD HIT THEM A LITTLE.

( laughing )

YOU KNOW, I'M THE KIND OF GUY,WHEN I COMMIT TO VIOLENCE

I REALLY COMMIT TO VIOLENCE,YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE DO IT.

I COULD NEVER GO:YOU'VE BEEN A BAD BOY.

I'D BE LIKE:YOU'VE BEEN--

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

GET UP,YOU LITTLE PUSSY, GET UP.

GO GET YOUR SISTER,I DON'T CARE, COME ON.

( laughter and applause )

THAT'S IT.

WENT AND GOT SNIPPED.

YEAH, SNIPPED.

I GOT TALKED INTO THAT.

( female voice ):"OH, IT DOESN'T HURT.

"IT'S JUST A LITTLE SNIP.

"SNIP, SNIP, SNIP.YOU WON'T FEEL IT.

"JUST A SNIP. THAT'S IT.

"YEAH, FOR A WOMAN,IT'S VERY HARD.

"IT'S A BIG OPERATION

"BUT FOR A GUY, JUST GO IN.

SNIP. THAT'S ALL."

YEAH. IF THEY NUMB YOU PROPERLY.

OH, MY GOD, I'MLAYING ON THIS TABLE

AND THIS GUY STARTS TO CUT ME.

THE PAIN SHOT AROUND MY HIP

WENT UP IN THE DEEPEST CREVICEOF MY COLON

SWEAT SHOOTING OUT THE SIDEOF MY HEAD

MY LEGS SHAKING

LIKE A CRAB WHEN YOU DROP ITIN BOILING WATER.

I'M JUST...

THE DOCTOR GOES, "MR. COEN

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH! IF I'M SUPPOSEDTO FEEL THAT IN MY ASS!"

THEN, LIKE A SAMURAI,HE TAKES A NEEDLE

AND HE JUST...

FOOM!

OH!

OH, MY GOD.

SITTING THERE...

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,HE STARTS WORKING ON ME

AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT IT IS WITH THESE GUYS.

HE STARTS TALKING TO ME

LIKE THAT'S GOING TO RELAX ME.

"HEY, MR. COEN, HOW'S IT GOING?

HOW'S IT GOING, MR. COEN?"

"OH, GREAT. YOU JUST HIT MY NUTSWITH A RAZOR.

"BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

WHOO! HAPPY DAYSARE HERE AGAIN!"

"COME ON. IT'S NOTTHAT BIG OF A DEAL.

"LET'S JUST KNOCK IT OFF.

HOW'S THE WIFE,HOW'S THE KIDS?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I'D APPRECIATE

"IF YOU'D CONCENTRATEON WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

"I'M NOT A BIG MAN.

YOU SLIP, I'MHALF THE MAN I USED TO BE."

SO, HE FINALLY SHUTS UP

AND IT'S WORSE, 'CAUSE NOWI CAN HEAR WHAT HE'S DOING.

YEAH.

'CAUSE HE'S GOTA LITTLE CURTAIN SEPARATING

AS HE'S WORKING

AND ALL I HEAR IS...

( making squishy noises)

"UH-OH."

"WHAT?! WHAT?!"

"YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK, MISTER.

NO TALK. NEVER MIND."

( making drilling sounds )

( making chainsaw sounds )

"I'M READY TO TALK NOW!

I'M SORRY. I'M READY TO TALK!"

THEN HE TELLS ME, "ALL RIGHT,TAKE THAT AND, UH...

KEEP THAT ELEVATEDFOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS."

I'M WALKING AROUND--

"YEAH. I'M SORRY.

"I JUST HAD AN OPERATION. SORRY.

I GOT TO KEEP ITELEVATED. SORRY."

AND WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BETHE GOOD PART, YOU KNOW...

WHEN YOU FIRST GO IN

YOU GET A LITTLE SPONGE BATHFROM THE NURSE

AND I WAS KIND OF LOOKINGFORWARD TO THAT.

MARRIED TEN, 12 YEARS,THAT'S KIND OF NICE.

SHE DIDN'T GIVE METHE LAP DANCE

BUT IT WASN'T BAD, YOU KNOW.

SHE, UH... BUT IEVEN SCREWED THAT UP.

I GO IN THERE AND SHE TELLS METO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES

SHAVE, AND THEN PUT THIS ON.

SHE GIVES ME LIKEA PIECE OF PAPER THAT BIG.

A LITTLE SQUAREPIECE OF PAPER...

AND SHE LEAVES.

I'M, LIKE... ALL RIGHT...

SO... I START SHAVING MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, TAKING MY CLOTHES OFF.

I START SHAVING MYSELF

AND WITH EVERY STROKE

IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MOREPATHETIC DOWN THERE, YOU KNOW.

I'M, LIKE, OH, MY GOD,I LOOK LIKE A 12 YEAR-OLD BOY.

SO, YOU KNOW, I...

I LEFT SIDEBURNS.

SO, I GET DONE SHAVING,YOU KNOW, AND I GET UP...

I SIT UP ON THATLITTLE TABLE THERE

WITH THE PAPER

AND I TAKE THE LITTLE SQUAREPIECE OF PAPER

AND I PUT IT RIGHT THERE,YOU KNOW.

AND SHE COMES BACK IN

AND JUST STARTS LAUGHING AT ME.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?! WHAT?!"

WELL, IT TURNED OUT THE PAPER...

IT WAS A PAPER ROBEALL FOLDED UP.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO OPEN IT UPAND PUT IT ON.

SO NOW, I JUST LOOK LIKETHIS IDIOT--

HEY, BABY! YEAH!

CHECK OUT THE BALD EAGLE THERE!

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

ENGLAND.

YOU FROM ENGLAND?REALLY?

Woman:ENGLISH!

YEAH, THAT WOULDMAKE HIM ENGLISH.

VERY GOOD, MA'AM.

CAN'T FOOL THE AMERICANS.

WE KNOW OUR STUFF.

ENGLAND--THAT WOULD BE ENGLISH!

ENGLAND-- THEY'RE WITH US

IN THE NATO BOMBINGOF YUGOSLAVIA, RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

I'M NOT... I'M VERYUNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT.

I KNOW WE'RE THE LEADERAND EVERYTHING.

I'M JUST, YOU KNOW...

I'M JUST VERY UNCOMFORTABLEWITH THE WHOLE THING.

I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITHOUR PRESIDENT, THIS PRESIDENT

TELLING ME WE HAVEA MORAL OBLIGATION.

OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE SAIDTHE WORD "MORAL"

WITHOUT CRACKING A SMILE.

I'M SURE HIS ADVISORS ARE GOING

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USETHE WORD 'MORAL,' ARE YOU?"

"YEAH. I'M GOINGTO GIVE IT A SHOT."

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT-THAT... I...

I KNOW WE'RE THE LEADER,BUT LIE TO ME.

I'D RATHER HAVE A BETTER LIE.

TELL ME THERE'S OIL THERE,YOU KNOW.

I'LL GO FIGHT FOR OIL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S...WHAT BOTHERS ME

ABOUT THE WHOLE PROBLEMOVER THERE

IS THAT IT JUST INSPIRESMORE PEOPLE TO HATE US.

YOU KNOW... IT...

IT JUST INSPIRES TERRORISTSTO COME HERE

AND SOMETHING'S GOINGTO HAPPEN HERE, YOU KNOW...

AND TERRORISTS JUST...

THEY JUST HAVE SO MUCH MORE WAYSTO HURT US NOW.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

THE BIG, BAD WEAPONWAS THE NUCLEAR WEAPON.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M COMFORTABLEWITH THAT KIND OF DEATH NOW.

I MEAN, HOW BAD COULD THAT BE?

IT'S, LIKE, HEY--LOOK AT THE LIGHT.

HEY, WHO TOOK MY PICTURE?

( makes explosion sound )

BUT NOW, THEY GOTBIOLOGICAL WEAPONS

AND CHEMICAL WEAPONS.

OH, MAN... I DON'T WANTTO COME AROUND A CORNER

AND EVERYBODY'S GOING...

AND THERE'S NO BAND PLAYING.

'CAUSE DON'T KID YOURSELF--

THE WORLD HATES OUR GUTS.

THEY HATE US.

WHETHER WE'RE BOMBING THEMOR FEEDING THEM

THEY HATE OUR GUTS.

THEY HATE US BECAUSE WE HAVEA LOT OF STUFF.

WE DO. OUR STANDARDOF LIVING'S PRETTY HIGH.

WE GOT A LOT OF NICE STUFF HERE.

THAT'S WHY IF I WAS IN CHARGE

I WOULD NOT HAVE THE OLYMPICSIN OUR COUNTRY ANYMORE.

DON'T LET THE WHOLE WORLD COMEHERE AND SEE OUR STUFF.

IT JUST PISSES THEM OFF.

EVEN THE COUNTRIESWE'RE FEEDING--

THEY GET HERE AND GO,OH, THANKS FOR THE WHEAT.

( laughter )

GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD SENDA COUPLE OF BURGERS.

NO. WE REALLY ENJOYED THE WHEAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU ADDA LITTLE WATER AND MIX IT UP

MAKES A NICE MUSHY DISHTHAT WE ATE.

IT'S SO WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, A MONTH AGO,HE'S GETTING IMPEACHED

AND NOW... YOU SEE...

HE'S A TYPICAL GUY.

TAKE HIS CHICK AWAY,ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS FIGHT.

THIS IS A PRESIDENT...

THIS IS A PRESIDENT THAT YOUNGERKIDS WILL REMEMBER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S...WELL, LOOK AT THIS GUY.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCHFROM WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD,YOU KNOW, A GIRLFRIEND...

A GIRLFRIENDOF THE PRESIDENT

GOING ON BARBARA WALTERS.

"YEAH, HE KISSED PRETTY GOOD.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW."

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

IF A GIRLFRIENDWAS BOTHERING THE PRESIDENT

THE CIA KILLED HER, YOU KNOW.

( audience laughing )

IT WAS A MORE INNOCENT TIME.

( laughing )

AND ALL THE COMPARISONSBETWEEN KENNEDY AND CLINTON

SHOULD END RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE. CUT ME A BREAK.

KENNEDY SLEPT WITH WOMEN

THAT GUYS DREAMEDABOUT SLEEPING WITH.

NOT FEARED WAKING UP WITH.

BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG--

I FEEL SORRYFOR MONICA LEWINSKY.

I DO... NO, I DO.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THEY PUT FORTHTHE CLASSIC RAPE DEFENSE.

THEY MADE THE VICTIMLOOK LIKE A WHORE

AND WE ALL FELL FOR IT.

"SHE'S A WHORE. LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S A WHORE."

SHE WAS 23 YEARS OLD

WHEN THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES

WAS HITTING ON HER.

23. PLEASE, MAN, WHEN I WAS 23

IF THE PRESIDENTWAS HITTING ON ME

I'D ( bleep ) HIM, TOO.

( audience cheering )

I WOULDN'T SAVE A SHIRTHE DRIBBLED ON

BUT, YOU KNOW, I...

IT'S UNFORTUNATE.

IT REALLY IS BECAUSE I DON'TTHINK PRESIDENT CLINTON

IS A BAD PRESIDENT.

IT JUST SOUNDS LIKEHE'S A DOG.

IT SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS NAILED

EVERYTHING THAT MOVESIN THE WHITE HOUSE.

IN FACT, I THINK THAT'S WHYAL GORE STANDS THE WAY HE DOES.

"WHERE IS HE?!""WHERE IS HE?!"

THANKS. THAT WAS FUN.

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