Monday, April 28, 2014

  • 04/28/2014

Matt Braunger, Mark Normand and Sara Schaefer advertise Kickstarter projects, #RuinAMovieQuote and list new selfie trends.

>> Chris: IT'S 11:59 AND 59

SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON TWITTER TODAY.

THOSE ARE BASKETBALL FANS

REACTING TO THE HORRIBLY RACIST

COMMENTS ALLEGEDLY MADE BY LOS

ANGELES CLIPPERS OWNER DONALD

STERLING.

"I'M BLACK."

"I BROUGHT A BLACK GUY TO THE

GAME."

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

YEAH, SO...

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS PROBABLY

HEARD, BUT STERLING IS CLOAKED

IN A WHITE HOOD OF CONTROVERSY

AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT ON TAPE BY

TMZ.

TWITTER CAUGHT FIRE LIKE A CROSS

AND WAS BURNING ALL WEEKEND

LONG.

WHY, EVEN BETTE MIDLER CHIMED

IN.

HERE IS WHAT SHE SAID.

"DONALD STERLING'S RACIST

REMARKS?

WHAT HE'S BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS.

I THINK HE SHOULD BE STRIPPED OF

HIS CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS, ALL ZERO

OF THEM."

WHAT?

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HOW DO YOU GET

YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU

BY BETTE MIDLER?

HE'S NOT SO MUCH THE WIND

BENEATH HER WINGS AS THE TURD

BENEATH HER TALONS.

BUT I HAVE TO SAY THE ABSOLUTE

BEST, BEST, GREATEST RESPONSE OF

ALL TIME FOR ANYTHING CAME FROM

SNOOP DOGG ON INSTAGRAM.

HERE IT IS.

LISTEN, LISTEN.

>> A MESSAGE TO THE MOTHER

(BLEEP) THAT OWN THE CLIPPERS.

YOU BITCH ASS REDNECK WHITE

BREAD CHICKEN (BLEEP) MOTHER

(BLEEP).

(BLEEP) YOU, YOUR MOMMA AND

EVERYTHING CONNECTED TO YOU,

YOU RACIST PIECE OF (BLEEP).

(BLEEP) YOU!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: EVERYONE FROM PLAYERS

TO FELLOW OWNER MICHAEL JORDAN

HAVE CALLED FOR THE LEAGUE

TO REMOVE STERLING AS OWNER

OF THE CLIPPERS.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD BE THE

NAME OF A MORE FITTING TEAM FOR

DONALD STERLING TO OWN?

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> I'D GO ORANGE COUNTY

DINOSAURS.

>> Chris: MARK NORMAND.

>> I'D SAY THE DALLAS KRAMERS.

>> Chris: NICE.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> THE CLEVELAND BROWN PEOPLE

MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: LOOK OUT, INDIANA

JONES, THERE IS A NEW

ARCHAEOLOGIST ON THE SCENE, BUT

THIS TIME A REAL ONE.

FILMMAKER ZAK PENN HAS GONE TO

THE ANCIENT AND SACRED LAND OF

NEW MEXICO TO UNEARTH AN

ARTIFACT BELIEVED TO BE SO

POWERFUL AND DANGEROUS, IT WAS

THOUGHT BETTER TO HAVE THEM

BURIED THAN TO DESTROY THEM.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING ARTIFACTS DID THE

FILM CREW DIG UP?

A. THOUSANDS OF COPIES OF THE

ATARI 2600 E.T. GAME.

B. DOZENS OF COPIES OF O.J.

SIMPSON'S BOOK "IF I DID IT"

DETAILING HOW HE WOULD HAVE

KILLED THE PEOPLE HE ACTUALLY

KILLED.

OR C. THOUSANDS OF ABANDONED

STILL LIVING TAMAGOTCHI.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> PLEASE BE A.

>> Chris: YES, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS A!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IN DEFENSE, IN DEFENSE, SOME

WERE SAYING THEY BURIED THE GAME

BECAUSE IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE

WORST VIDEO GAME EVER THAT

SIGNALED A LITTLE BIT OF A

DEMISE OF THE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

SYSTEM IN THE EARLY '80s.

I DISAGREE, I ACTUALLY REALLY

LIKED E.T.

YOU RAN AROUND AND TRIED TO

PICK UP REESE'S PIECES.

THE GRAPHICS WERE STUNNING.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> SO GOOD.

>> Chris: DON'T FALL IN THE PIT!

YOU FALL IN THE PIT, YOU NEVER

GET OUT.

>> AND LOOK, IT LOOKS LIKE HIM.

ALL THOSE GAMES BACK THEN, THEY

NEVER LOOKED LIKE ANYTHING.

LIKE BIKE RACE, IT'S JUST

A SQUARE.

COME ON.

>> Chris: I ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW

WHAT MY DICK WOULD LOOK LIKE

IN AN ATARI GAME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> JUST ONE PIXEL.

>> Chris: ONE PIXEL?

HOW DARE YOU, SARA SCHAEFER.

SARA...

ALL RIGHT, I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR ONE PIXEL.

I'LL GIVE YOU 100 POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW TO "GOD BLESS AMERICA" NEWS,

DEADSPIN POSTED THIS INSTAGRAM

OF A COUNTRY FRIED NASCAR FAN

WHO LOOKS KIND OF LIKE WOLVERINE

IF THEY BONDED HUBCAP-AMANTIUM

TO HIS ENTIRE SKELETON IN A

BUNKER FAR BELOW A CRACKER

BARREL.

COMEDIANS, WHICH UBER-PATRIOTIC

RACE DAY OUTFIT IS THIS FAN

WEARING?

A. A TANK TOP SHOWING A BALD

EAGLE SHOOTING A PRIUS WITH A

SHOTGUN.

B. AN AMERICAN FLAG SHAVED INTO

HIS AMERICAN CHEST HAIR.

C. A CAMO T-SHIRT READING "SEAL

TEAM SEX, REPORTING FOR BOOTY."

MARK.

>> I GOTTA GO WITH B, ALEX.

>> Chris: YES, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS IN FACT B!

(CHEERING)

>> MAKES ME PROUD BECAUSE

I'M FROM RICHMOND, VIRGINIA,

WHICH IS WHERE THIS WAS,

AND THAT'S ALSO WHAT I HAVE

SHAVED INTO MY DOWN THERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WOW, THAT'S A LOT

OF REAL ESTATE.

>> 'CAUSE I'M AN AMERICAN!

>> THAT'S WHAT THAT WAS?

>> YEAH!

>> Chris: THIS IS SORT OF LIKE

REDNEX-MEN RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

NEW TREND ALERT: WHERE THERE'S

SMOKE, THERE'S VAPE TRICKS.

VAPORIZER AFICIONADOS ARE

TAKING VIDEO OF THEMSELVES

BLOWING SMOKE TRICKS AND POSTING

THEM TO VINE OR INSTAGRAM UNDER

HASHTAGS LIKE #VAPELIFE AND

#VAPEPORN AND SURPRISINGLY NOT

#LUNGCANCER.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S ONE GUY LIVING THAT

VAPE LIFE.

(DUBSTEP PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THAT IS MOST

IMPRESSIVE.

>> POINTS, POINTS!

>> Chris: HE DOES GET POINTS

FOR THAT.

IT'S A WEIRD GANDALF BEARD.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

NOW, THIS MOVE IS ACTUALLY

CALLED THE DRAGON, BUT WE THINK

THAT'S WAY TOO AWESOME OF A

TRICK FOR THAT NAME.

SO COMEDIANS, COME UP WITH A

BETTER NAME FOR THIS VAPE TRICK.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> PUFF THE MAGIC DICKWAD.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BECAUSE MONDAYS

ALWAYS RUIN YOUR WEEKEND, WE'RE

RETURNING TO OUR TRADITION

OF A #RUINAMONDAY HASHTAG.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#RUINAMOVIEQUOTE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, "LUKE, I AM

YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND, OR "YOU

CAN'T HANDLE THE SHIA LABEOUF,"

OR "NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A

DUMPSTER."

THOSE ARE WAYS YOU CAN RUIN A

MOVIE QUOTE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

I'M SAYING NOBODY DOES THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK STARTING NOW, AND GO.

BRAUNGER.

>> I LOVE THE SMELL OF NATHAN

IN THE MORNING.

>> Chris: IS THAT FROM TUXEDO

GUYS?

>> WE ACTUALLY TOOK THAT FROM

TUXEDO GUYS.

>> Chris: NICE, POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU,

KIDDIE PORN.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD RUIN THAT

MOVIE QUOTE, POINTS.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> I'LL BE NICKELBACK.

>> Chris: BUT YOU HAVE TO SAY IT

LIKE SCHWARZENEGGER.

>> (DEEP VOICE): I'LL BE

NICKELBACK.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, WELL

DONE.

NICE TERMINATOR.

MARK NORMAND.

>> Chris: MY SON WILL COME OUT

TOMORROW.

>> Chris: NICE, OKAY.

SURE, POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB

IS "MEOW MEOW MEOW, KITTY

KITTY."

>> Chris: WHY COULDN'T THAT HAVE

BEEN THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT

CLUB?

OH, YES, POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> THIS ONE TIME AT

CONCENTRATION CAMP...

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: IS THAT FROM THE

MOVIE "GERMAN PIE?"

(LAUGHING)

POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> YOU HAD ME AT "BIG BOOTY HOS

HUMP WITH IT."

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> IF YOU SHAVE IT, HE WILL

COME.

(APPLAUSE)

KICKSTART THIS KICKSTARTER.

(CHEERING)

KICKSTARTER IS WHERE YOU GO

TO GET YOUR IDEAS FUNDED, BUT

WHERE DO YOU GO TO GET YOUR

IDEAS NOTICED?

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PROJECT

TRYING TO GET FUNDED ON

KICKSTARTER AND THEN YOU HAVE TO

GIVE ME A TAG LINE TO SELL IT.

FIRST ONE: THIS COMPLETELY

USELESS SILICON ACCESSORY.

>> SLICED BEARD IS THE CUTTING

EDGE STREETWEAR THAT FEEDS YOUR

STYLE AND NOURISHES YOUR

PERSONALITY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I CAN'T HELP YOU AT

ALL TO TELL YOU WHAT THAT IS

TO GIVE YOU A TAG LINE TO SELL

IT, SO I DON'T KNOW.

MARK.

>> AH YES, THE GREEN RUBBER

BEARD, OR AS I CALL IT,

(BLEEP) KRYPTONITE.

>> Chris: NICE, WELL DONE.

WELL DONE.

>> I LIKE HOW HE CALLED IT

"STREETWEAR."

YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR ASS

KICKED IF YOU WEAR THAT OUT ON

THE STREET.

>> Chris: WHAT ABOUT THIS

DRIFTER WHO WANTS TO TAKE

YOUR MONEY?

>> THE NAME OF THIS PROJECT IS

"GREETINGS FROM THE BACK OF MY

VAN," AND THE PREMISE IS SIMPLE.

THIS SUMMER, I'M GOING TO BE

TRAVELING IN MY VAN WITH MY DOG,

AND I WANT TO SEND YOU

POSTCARDS.

>> HA, HA, HA.

OH, BOY.

>> Chris: SARA SCHAEFER.

>> "I NEED GAS FOR MY MURDER

VAN."

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, THIS GUY

WITH THE CREEPIEST PANTY

FETISH EVER.

>> I CALL THEM PERIOD PANTIES.

I'M TALKING BLEEDER OF THE PACK,

(BLEEP) DRACULA, DAWN OF THE

RED, EVIL BEAVER AND RAINBO:

FIRST BLOOD.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WELL...

SARA SCHAEFER, ARE YOU APPALLED?

>> YES.

PAIRS WELL WITH MY OTHER

UNDERWEAR COLLECTION: "THESE

ARE NEVER COMING OFF FOR YOU,

ASHTON KUTCHER."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> BUT WHO WOULD KNOW MORE ABOUT

THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM

THAN AN ACTUAL DOUCHEBAG?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NICE!

POINTS, MARK NORMAND.

WELL PLAYED.

I WILL GIVE ANYONE 100 POINTS

IF YOU CAN GIVE ME A "MY LITTLE

PERIOD PONY" NICKNAME

FOR THAT HORSE.

>> ME SO UNI-HORNY.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

SO SELFIE TRENDS ARE LIKE

HOROSCOPES.

THERE'S A NEW ONE EVERY DAY AND

YOU DON'T NORMALLY BELIEVE IN

THE STUFF, BUT IT'S SO TRUE.

SELFIES ARE SO TRUE.

LAST WEEK GAVE US DRONIES:

SELFIES TAKEN WITH REMOTE

CONTROLLED COPTER CAMERAS.

HERE'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

THIS WEEK'S TREND, MILE HIGH

SELFIES: SEXY FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

POSING TOGETHER ON AIRPLANES.

(CHEERING)

I'M GOING TO MAINTAIN THIS ISN'T

REALLY A SELFIE UNLESS SHE'S GOT

FREAKISHLY LONG PREHENSILE TOES.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO COME UP WITH AS MANY NEW

SELFIE TRENDS AS YOU CAN.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

BRAUNGER.

>> YELPIE: TAKING A SELFIE AFTER

LEAVING A SCATHING RESTAURANT

REVIEW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE MIRACLE WORKER: THAT'S

WHERE YOU GET A PICTURE OF YOUR

FACE AND YOUR GENITALS IN THE

SAME SHOT.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> SHELFIE: YOU AND YOUR

BOYFRIEND GETTING INTO A FIGHT

WHILE TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER

IKEA SHELVES.

>> Chris: YES, I LIKE THAT ONE.

POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> THE HERPIE: TAKING A PICTURE

OF YOUR DICK AFTER A ONE-NIGHT

STAND TO SEND TO YOUR DOCTOR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALSO VERY USEFUL.

POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE ROOF-ELFIE: WHERE YOU

ROOFIE YOURSELF AND TRY TO GET

A SELFIE IN BEFORE YOU PASS OUT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARK.

>> THE ALEXANDER GRAHAM

BELL-FIE: THAT'S WHERE YOU TAKE

OUT YOUR PHONE AND ACTUALLY MAKE

A (BLEEP) PHONE CALL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> JONES-IE: A PICTURE OF YOU

CRAVING HEROIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SARA SCHAEFER.

>> JAIL SELFIE, ALSO KNOWN

AS A MUGSHOT.

>> Chris: YEAH!

NICE.

THAT WOULD BE COOL IF YOU COULD

TAKE YOUR OWN.

POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE ARCH: THAT'S WHERE YOU

TAKE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WHILE

PEEING IN A PERFECT ARC

OVER YOUR HEAD.

>> Chris: WOULDN'T THAT BE THE

ARCHIE?

>> THE ARCHIE IS GOOD.

OR THE ST. LOUIS OR THE HALF

McDONALDS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

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