Monday, April 28, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01055
  • 04/28/2014

Matt Braunger, Mark Normand and Sara Schaefer advertise Kickstarter projects, #RuinAMovieQuote and list new selfie trends.

IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS, THISHAPPENED ON TWITTER TODAY.

>> THOSE ARE BASKETBALL FANSREACTING TO THE HORRIBLY RACIST

COMMENTS MADELY LOS ANGELESCLIPPERS OWNER, DONALD STERLING.

>> I BROUGHT A BLACK GUY TO THEGAME. ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

I AM SURE YOU GUYS PROBABLYHEARD, BUT STERLING IS CLOAKED

IN A WHITE HOOD OF CONTROVERSYAFTER HE WAS CAUGHT ON TAPE BY

TMZ, TWITTER CAUGHT FIRE LIKE ACROSS AND BURNED ALL WEEKEND.

WHY, EVEN BETTE MIDLER CHIMEDIN.

DONALD STERLING'S RACISTREMARKS? WHAT HE'S BEEN SAYING

FOR YEARS.

I THINK HE SHOULD BE STRIPPED OFHIS CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS, ALL ZERO

OF THEM.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YOU THE GOT YOUR ASS

HANDED TO YOU BY BETTE MIDLER.

>> IT IS NOT SO MUCH AS THE AIRBENEATH HER WINGS BUT THE TURD

BENEATH HER TALONS.

>> THE ABSOLUTE, BEST, BESTGREATEST RESPONSE OF ALL-TIME

FOR ANYTHING CAME FROM SNOOPDOGG ON INSTAGRAM.

HERE IT IS.

LISTEN, LISTEN.

>> A MESSAGE TO THE MOTHER(BLEEP) WHO OWNS THE CLIPPER,

YOU BITCH ASS REDNECK WHITEBREAD CHICKEN (BLEEP) MOTHER

(BLEEP).

YOUR MOMMA AND EVERYTHINGCONNECTED TO YOU, YOU RACIST

PIECE OF (BLEEP), (BLEEP) YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: EVERYONE FROM

PLAYERS TO FELLOW OWNER MICHAELJORDAN HAVE CALLED FOR THE

LEAGUE TO REMOVE STERLING ASOWNER.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD BE THENAME OF A MORE FITTING TEAM FOR

DONALD STERLING TO OWN.

>> ORANGE COUNTY DINOSAURS.

>> THE DALLAS KRAMERS.

>> NICE.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> THE CLEVELAND BROWN PEOPLEMAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: LOOK OUT, INDIANA

JONES. THERE IS A NEWARCHAEOLOGISTS ON THE SCENE, BUT

THIS TIME A REAL ONE.

FILM MAKER ZAK PENN HAS GONE TOTHE ANCIENT AND SACRED LAND OF

NEW MEXICO TO UNEARTH ANARTIFACT BELIEVED TO BE SO

POWERFUL AND DANGEROUS THAT ITWAS THOUGHT BETTER TO HAVE THEM

BURIED THAN TO ATTEMPT TODESTROY IT.

COMEDIANS WHICH OF THE FOLLOWINGARTIFACTS DID THE FILM CREW DIG

UP?

>> THOUSANDS OF COPIES OF THEATARI 2,600 ET GAME.

>> DOZENS OF COPIES OF OJSIMPSON'S IF I DID IT BOOK

DETAILING HOW HE WOULD HAVEKILLED THE PEOPLE HE ACTUALLY

KILLED.

>> THOUSANDS OF ABANDONED STILLLIVE TAMAGOTCHI.

>> PLEASE BE A.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: IN DEFENSE, IN

DEFENSE, THE BURRIED THE GAMEBECAUSE IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE

WORST VIDEO GAME AND IT SIGNALEDA BIT OF A DEMISE OF THE HOME

ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM IN THEEARLY EIGHTIES, I DISAGREE, I

ACTUALLY REALLY LIKED ET, YOURAN AROUND AND TRIED TO PICK UP

REESE'S PIECES. THE GRAPHICSWERE STUNNING, LET'S TAKE A

LOOK.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE HIM.

>> THEY NEVER LOOK LIKEANYTHING.

LIKE BIKE RACE WAS JUST ASQUARE, COME ON.

>> I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY DICKWOULD LOOK LIKE IN AN ATARI

GAME.

>> ONE PIXEL.

>> Chris: ONE PIXEL? HOW DAREYOU SARA SCHAEFER.

>> OKAY, I WILL GIVE YOU 100POINTS FOR ONE PIXEL, 100

POINTS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NOW TO GOD BLESS

'MERICA NEWS: AN INSTAGRAM OF A COUNTRY-FRIED NASCAR FAN WHO

LOOKS KIND OF LIKE WOLVERINE IFTHEY BONDED HUB CAP TO HIS

ENTIRE SKELETON IN A BUNKERBELOW A CRACKER BARREL WHICH

PATRIOTIC RATES IS THIS MANWEARING?

>> A TANK TOP WITH AN EAGLESHOOTING A PRIUS.

>> B, AN AMERICAN FLAG SHAVEDINTO HIS HIS AMERICAN CHEST

HAIR.

C, T-SHIRT READING SEAL TEAMSEX, REPORTING FOR BOOTY.

>> I HAVE TO GO WITH B, ALEX.

>> YES, A THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,IN FACT, B! AN AMERICAN FLAG

SHAVED INTO HIS AMERICAN CHESTHAIR.

>> OH, MAKES ME PROUD BECAUSE IAM FROM VIRGINIA, WHICH IS WHERE

THIS WAS, AND THAT'S ALSO WHAT IHAVE SHAVED INTO MY DOWN THERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: WOW, THAT IS LOT OF

REAL ESTATE.

THIS IS SORT OF LIKE REDNEX-MENRIGHT THERE.

NEW TREND ALERT.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'SVAPE TRICKS.

VAPORIZER AFFICIONADOS ARETAKING VIDEO OF THEMSELVES

BLOWING SMOKE TRICKS AND POSTINGIT TO VINE AND INSTAGRAM UNDER

HASHTAGS LIKE VAPE LIFE AND VAPEPORN AND SURPRISINGLY NOT LUNG

CANCER.

HERE'S ONE GUY LIVING THATSTRAIN LIFE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> POINTS! POINTS!

>> Chris: POINTS, HE GETSPOINTS FOR THAT.

IT IS A WEIRD GANDALF, YOU SHALLNOT PASS! NOW, THIS MOVE IS

ACTUALLY CALLED THE DRAGON BUTWE THINK THAT IS WAY TOO AWESOME

OF A TRICK FOR SUCH A LAME NAME.

COMEDIANS COME UP WITH A BETTERNAME FOR THIS VAPE TRICK.

>> PUFF THE MAGIC DICK WAD.

TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: BECAUSE MONDAY

ALWAYS RUINS YOUR WEEKEND WE ARERETURNING TO OUR TRADITION OF A

RUIN A MONDAY HASHTAGS. TODAY ISRUIN A MOVIE QUOTE.

EXAMPLES LIKE, I'M YOUR FACEBOOKFRIEND, OF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE

SHIA LABEOUF.

OR NOBODY PUTS BABY IN ADUMPSTER.

THOSE ARE WAYS YOU CAN RUIN AMOVIE QUOTE.

>> I AM SAYING NOBODY DOES THAT.

>> Chris: I AM GOING TO PUT60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTING

NOW AND GO.

>> I LOVE THE SMELL OF NATHAN INTHE MORNING.

>> Chris: FROM TUXEDO GUY?

>> WE TOOK THAT FROM TUXEDO GUY.

>> Chris: NORMAND.

>> HERE IS LOOKING AT YOU,KIDDIE PORN.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD RUIN THATMOVIE QUOTE, POINTS.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> I WILL BE NICKEL BACK.

BUT YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LIKESCHWARZENEGGER.

>> I'LL BE NICKEL BACK.

>> MY SON WILL, MY SONWILL COME OUT TOMORROW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB ISMEOW MEOW KITTY KITTY.

>> WHY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THEFIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB!

POINTS.

NORMAND.

>> THIS ONE TIME ATCONCENTRATION CAMP...

>> Chris: IS THAT FROM THEMOVIE GERMAN PIE? POINTS.

>> YOU HAD ME AT BIG BOOTY HUMPWITH IT.

>> Chris: SARA.

>> IF YOU SHAVE IT, HE WILLCOME.

KICK START THIS KICKSTARTER.

>> KICKSTARTER IS WHERE YOU GOTO GET YOUR IDEAS FUNDED, BUT

WHERE DO YOU GO TO GET YOURIDEAS NOTICED?

>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU APROJECT TRYING TO GET FUNDED ON

KICKSTARTER AND YOU GIVE ME ATAG LINE TO SELL IT.

>> THIS COMPLETELY USELESSSILICON ACCESSORY.

>> THIS COMPLETELY USELESSSILICON ACCESSORY.

>> I CAN'T HELP YOU AT ALL TOTELL YOU WHAT THAT IS TO GIVE

YOU A TAG LINE TO SELL IT.

YES, THE GREEN RUBBER BEARDOR, (BLEEP) KRYPTONITE.

WELL DONE.

>> I LIKE HOW HE CALLED ITSTREET WEAR.

YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR ASSKICKED IF YOU WEAR THAT OUT IN

THE STREET.

>> Chris: WHAT ABOUT THISDRIFTER WHO WANTS TO TAKE YOUR

MONEY.

THE NAME OF THIS PROJECT ISGREETINGS -- THIS SUMMER

I AM GOING TO BE TRAVELING IN MYVAN WITH MY DOG AND I WANT TO

SEND YOU A POSTCARDS.

>> HA, HA, HA.

>> OH, BOY.

YES, SARA SCHAEFER?

>> I NEED GAS FOR MY MURDER VAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> Chris: THE NEXT ONE, THISGUY WITH THE CREEPIEST PANTY

FETISH EVER.

>> I CALL THEM: PERIOD PANTIES.

>> BLEEDER OF THE PACK.

(BLEEP) DRACULA. DAWN OFTHE RED. RAINBO, FIRST BLOOD.

>> SARA SCHAEFER ARE YOUAPPALLED?

>> YES.

>> GOES WELL WITH MY OTHERUNDERWEAR COLLECTION: THESE ARE

NEVER COMING OFF FOR YOU ASHTONKUTCHER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHO WOULD KNOW MORE ABOUT THEFEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM THAN

AN ACTUAL DOUCHE BAG.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: WELL PLAYED.

I WILL GIVE ANYONE 100 POINTS IFYOU CAN GIVE ME A MY LITTLE

PERIOD PONY NICKNAME FOR THATHORSE.

>> ME SO UNI-HORNY

SELFIE LOVE

SO SELFIE TRENDS ARE LIKEHOROSCOPES.

THERE'S A NEW ONE EVERY DAY ANDYOU DON'T NORMALLY BELIEVE IN

THE STUFF, BUT THEY'RE IS SOTRUE.

LAST WEEK GAVE US DRONIES,SELFIES TAKEN WITH REMOTE

CONTROLLED COPTER CAMERAS.

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

>> THIS WEEK'S TREND, MILE HIGHSELFIES, SEXY FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

POSING TOGETHER ON AIRPLANES.

>> OH.

I AM GOING TO MAINTAIN THISISN'T REALLY A SELFIE UNLESS SHE

HAS FREAKISHLY LONG PREHENSILETOES.

>> I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME UPWITH AS MANY SELFIE TRENDS AS

YOU CAN.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

>> YELPIE, SELIE AFTER LEAVING ASCATHING RESTAURANT REVIEW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THE MIRACLE WORKER, GET APICTURE OF YOUR FACE AND

GENITALS IN THE SAME SHOT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> SHELFIE, YOU AND YOURBOYFRIEND GETTING INTO A FIGHT

WHILE TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER AIKEA SHELF.

>> Chris: I LIKE THAT ONE.

POINTS.

>> HERPES, TAKING A PICTURE OFYOUR DICK AFTER A ONE-NIGHT

STAND TO SEND TO YOUR DOCTOR.

>> Chris: THOSE ARE VERYUSEFUL.

>> THE ROOF-ELFIE, YOU ROOFIEYOURSELF AND TRY TO A SELFIE IN

BEFORE YOU PASS OUT.

>> THE ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL --FIE.

>> THAT'S WHERE YOU ACTUALLYTAKE ZERO OUT YOUR PHONE AND

MAKE A (BLEEP) PHONE CALL.

>> A JONSIE -- A PICTURE OFYOU CRAVING HEROIN.

>> JAIL-SELFIE, ALSO KNOWN AS AMUGSHOT.

>> Chris: YEAH! NICE.

THAT WOULD BE COOL IF YOU COULDTAKE YOUR OWN.

POINTS.

YES.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE ARCH.

A PICTURE YOURSELF WHILE PEEINGIN A PERFECT ARC OVER YOUR HEAD.

>> Chris: WOULD THAT BE THEARCHIE?

>> THE ARCHIE IS GOOD.

THE ST. LEWIS OR THE HALFMCDONALD.

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