In this episode, political controversy rages over women's health in Texas. I'm concerned because all my exes live there. Then, I review the Westminster Dog Show. I don't get it -- no one gives me a ribbon for having a moist, proud snout. Plus, seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong -- I'll ask him if he's such a hero, how come he didn't win the Tour de America. Nation, be mine. This is The Colbert Report.