Ditch Day

  • Season 5, Ep 6
  • 02/18/2015

After agreeing to hand off a mysterious package for Karl, the guys stage an office-wide ditch day so that they can stay home and make the deal.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HIS LOWER HALF.

IS THIS A LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE TELL-ALL?

- DUDE, PROBABLY.

EVERYTHING COOLCOMES FROM MEXICO.

YOU KNOW, TACOS AND...- WHERE'S YOUR BLANKET THOUGH?

- SICK.- OH, HEY.

THESE RIGHT HERE IN THE BAG,THEY'RE IN A BAG FOR A REASON.

THEY ARE MUY CALIENTE--BURNING YOUR SKIN OFF.

DON'T LET 'EM TOUCH YOU.ALL RIGHT?

- ALL RIGHT. SWEET.- AWESOME.

THIS RIGHT HEREIS VERY IMPORTANT.

I NEED TO ASK A FAVOR OF YOU.- THANK YOU.

- I HAVE A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE

STOPPING BY TOMORROWTO PICK THAT UP.

DON'T OPEN IT.IT SAYS IT RIGHT THERE.

- IT DOES. RIGHT ON THE FRONT.

- I READ THAT TOO,BUT I WAS LIKE,

"IT'S LIKE A SUGGESTION."

BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW,

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?"

LIKE FROM THAT SCARY MOVIE, SEVEN? WITH BRAD PITT?

- I'M SORRY.I HAVEN'T SEEN MOVIES.

BUT I KNOW WHO BRAD PITT IS.

I SEE HIS FACEON THE MAGAZINE BLANKETS

THAT KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT.- MAGAZINE BLANKETS.

- OKAY, BUT, LIKE,

WHAT IS IN THE BOX ACTUALLY,THOUGH?

- WE DON'T WANT TO KNOWWHAT'S IN THE BOX, OKAY?

DON'T TELL US, 'CAUSE WE'RE NOTSOME SHADY FEDEX KINKOS

WITH PACKAGE PICKUPAVAILABILITY, OKAY?

- OKAY, WELL I HAVE 2,000REASONS THAT SAYS OTHERWISE.

THESE ARE ALL DOLLARS.

- OH. WELL, HELL YEAH.WE'LL DO IT. COME ON.

- OH, MY GOSH.- GIVE ME THE MONEY.

- I'LL GIVE YOU ONE G NOW

AND THEN ANOTHER GUPON COMPLETION, OKAY?

- I LOVE THAT YOU'RE GIVING USMONEY, BUT IT'S Ts.

IT'S NOT Gs.- HMM?

- IT'S THOUSANDS.

NOT GROUSANDS.

HMM?

- OH, WOW.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN Gs IN MY BOOK.

LET ME CHANGE THAT.

- I'M GLAD I'M HERETO TEACH YOU SOMETHING.

- YOU GUYS,I THINK WE SHOULD OPEN THE BOX.

- BE A GOOD GHOSTAND GRAB MAMA A DRINK.

- I'LL GET YOU A DRINK.- SHH.

I CAN'T BREATHE!

THANK YOU.

- OF COURSE.

AND I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE--THE STARING.

IT'S JUST YOU LOOKLIKE MY DEAD WIFE.

- OH, GHOSTMAN.THAT--I'M SO SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

R.I.P, LADY GHOSTMAN.

COME HERE.

- WAIT A SECOND.THAT'S MY WOMAN!

- WHOA, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OH, GOD.[groans]

- GET HIM! GET HIM!

- HOLY [bleep].

GUYS! COME ON!

YOU'RE ACTING, WELL...

NUTS ACTUALLY.

- THEY BOTH WANT A PIECEOF THE JILLY BEAN.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?DO YOU LIKE THESE GUYS?

- OH, NO. NOT REALLY.- THEN WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

- WHY YOU TEASING MY DANGLE?

- ALICE CRAPS ON ME A LOT,AND I JUST WANTED

TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKETO DO THE CRAPPING.

- GUYS, YOU CAN'T BE TRYING TO

TWIST EACH OTHER'S JOINTS OFF,MAN.

- HE'S RIGHT.

I ONLY WENT AT YOU SO HARD

'CAUSE WE'RE BOTH SO BADASS.

- WELL, YOU SEE THAT WAITRESS?

I'M GONNA TELL HERTHAT YOU HAVE A MONSTER WANG.

- YOU WOULDN'T BE LYING.

- IS THERE SOMETHING WRONGWITH YOU PEOPLE?

BECAUSE EVERY DAY THIS WEEK,

SOMEONE HAS COME TO ME BITCHINGAND MOANING ABOUT A NEW PROBLEM.

WELL, IT ENDS NOW,

BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.

HEAR THAT, TEZ?

NO MORE COMING TO MY OFFICEWHINING, "WHERE MY LEADS AT?

I DON'T GOT NO LIZZ-EADS."

- I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

- AND BILL?STOP COMING TO ME FOR ADVICE.

[nasally]"WHY WON'T GIRLS DATE ME?"

- [chuckles]

- MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU'RE BROKE

'CAUSE YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB.

- OW. BURN NOTICE RECEIVED.

- YOU KNOW, BILL, A WIG

COULD REALLY HELPWITH YOUR CONFIDENCE.

- AND, GARY,STOP STARING AT JILLIAN.

- CAN'T TELL IF THIS GUYWANTS [bleep] OR KILL ME.

- OH, AND NOW YOU THREE

WANT A DAY OFFFOR NO REASON AT ALL.

- ACTUALLY,THAT--THAT'D BE GREAT.

- 100% NO.

IF EVERYONE ELSE IS HERE,SO ARE YOU THREE IDIOTS.

OKAY?AND, HEY.

CONSIDER THIS YOUR LUNCH BREAK.

- WHAT?- WHAT?

- JILLIAN.

- YOU JUST ATE LUNCH.

- GAH, THIS JOB IS A JIZZ-OKE.

OH, YEAH, I DO SOUND LIKE THAT.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, MAN?WE STILL NEED TOMORROW OFF.

- IF NO ONE COMES IN THE OFFICE,THE HEAT'LL BE OFF US.

- WHAT ABOUT A DITCH DAY?

- THAT'S PERFECT. OH, MY GOD.- NO, WAIT. HANG ON.

- SHH. EVERYONE SHUT UP.- SIT DOWN.

- SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN.

- SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN.both: SHUT UP.

- SIT DOWN, SHUT UP.- OKAY, NOW YOU SHUT UP.

OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, GUYS.

I KNOW TENSIONSARE RUNNING HIGH WORKING HERE.

IT'S TOUGH, RIGHT?- I HATE IT. I HATE IT.

- INSTEAD OF COMING HERETOMORROW AND WORKING,

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS COMETO OUR PLACE FOR A DITCH DAY?

- OH, MY GOD. THAT SOUNDS FUN.- RIGHT?

JUST LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL.- NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH.

WE AIN'T GOINGTO YOUR NASTY-ASS FRAT HOUSE,

BATH SOAP ALL COVEREDIN PUBES AND DOOKIE STREAKS.

- NOPE, THERE'S NO DOOKIEON THE SOAP ANYMORE.

- NOT ANYMORE.- WE SWITCHED TO BODY WASH.

SO WE SOLVED THAT PROBLEM.- YUP.

- SO I'LL SEE YOU GUYS THERE?

ALSO, THERE'S GONNA BE ALCOHOL,SNACKS, FOOD.

- TONS OF BOOZE. TONS OF BOOZE.- YEAH, SO...

- OKAY, SO DITCH DAY IS A S'GO.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?

- TOTALLY ALL GOOD.

[laughter]

NO PROBLEM.

- HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.

FREAKIN', OH,YOU CAN EAT CRAZY PEPPERS.

EVERYONE LOVES GIL, DON'T THEY?

I'LL EAT--I'LL EATA FREAKIN' MILLION OF THOSE.

PEPPER. MMM, OOH, IT'S SO HOT.

IT'S SO HOT. LET ME DRIPA LITTLE BIT IN MY EYES.

IT'S SO HOT.

RUBBY, RUBBY, RUBBY.

- I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

- OW, [bleep]!

AAH, IT'S SO HOT!

AAH! OH, MY GOD!

IT'S SO HOT!IT'S SO HOT!

WHY WON'T IT HELP ME?

THAT HELPS A LITTLE, ACTUALLY.

[thudding]

OH! HE'S LEAVING!

- OH, HEY.- HE'S BITING. CAREFUL.

- HOW'D HE GET OUT?- HEY, MAN, CHILLAX!

- OH!- [screams]

- YES, WHOO!- OH, MY GOD.

- COME BACK! COME BACK!

HOW DID YOU DO THAT? HEY!

- ADAM.

IT'S NOT--- I GOT IT!

- YOU CAN'T.

JUST--- I'M GONNA GO AROUND.

- YEAH, GOOD CALL.- THROUGH THE GATE.

- GOOD CALL. YEAH.- HEY, BOYS.