DeputyDong

  • Season 4, Ep 12
  • 04/09/2014

When the guys happen upon the home address of a gamer who's been verbally abusing them online, they come up with a plan to sneak into his house and delete his account.

I'M JUST TRYINGTO DO MY JOB HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL MEA FA...

OH, HOLD, PLEASE.

GUYS.- WHAT'S UP, BLAKE?

- IT'S DEPUTYDONG.

IT'S HIM, IT'S DEPUTYDONG.- THAT'S DEPUTYDONG?

- ON THE PHONE?- YEAH, MAN, I WAS LIKE--

- NO, SIR, I'M NOTCALLING YOU DEPUTYDONG.

- YEAH, I WAS, LIKE,I THOUGHT IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR,

BUT THEN, ONCE HE DROPPEDTHE [bleep] BOMB,

I'M LIKE, "IT'S HIM."- [laughs]

OKAY, UH, YOU GOTTA, LIKE,KEEP HIM ON THE LINE, RIGHT?

AND THEN, WE GOT TO,LIKE, TRACE THE CALL.

- YEAH.- FIGURE OUT HIS ADDRESS, RIGHT?

- CAN WE DO THAT?

- UH, HEY.THANKS FOR HOLDING.

- HEY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

- UH--UH, HELLO.THIS IS THE--THE SUPERVISOR.

- YOU SOUND LIKE BLACK GROVER.

- YOU'RE GONNA WANT THE--THE BLENDER THAT HAS 15--

DO YOU KNOWHOW MANY SPEEDS 15--

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

NO, PLEASE DON'T HANG--DON'T HANG UP.

I LOST HIM.DAMN IT, MAN, I LOST HIM.

YOU GUYSWERE DISTRACTING ME, MAN--

- NO, I WAS DOING THIS,I DON'T KNOW

WHY YOU DIDN'T CONTINUE--- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- STRETCHING--STRETCHING IT ALL OUT,

STRETCHING THE TIME,TIME STRETCHER.

- I THOUGHT FOR SUREYOU WERE SAYING,

YOU KNOW, "LET'S GETPHILLY CHEESESTEAKS FOR LUNCH."

- A PHILLY CHEESESTEAK,LIKE, IDEA FOR LUNCH

WOULD BE LIKE--

[mimics squirting]- SURE.

- OOH, GOT A LITTLE SOMETHIN'.GOT A LITTLE SOMETHIN'.

- SO YOU AREN'T HUNGRYFOR PHILLY CHEESESTEAKS.

WELL, GOD--NOW MY DAYREALLY SUCKS.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.LOOK, CLIENT INFO.

LOOK, HIS ADDRESSIS RIGHT THERE.

- OH, YEAH.- WE HAD IT THE WHOLE TIME.

- OH, MY GOSH,WE KNOW WHERE HE LIVES.

- I SAY WE GOTO THIS DUDE'S HOUSE

AND BRING THE GAME TO HIM

USING VIOLENCE, DUDE.

JUST--[mimics automatic gunfire]

[mimics guns firing]

[mimics shotgun blast]AAH!

- OH, REAL GUNS?- WE WON'T USE GUNS,

BUT A LOT OF WORD BULLETS.

- LET'S GO THERE,KICK DOWN HIS DOOR,

DELETE HIS ACCOUNT,YOU KNOW?

THAT WAY,HE CAN'T PLAY ANYMORE.

WE'LL HAVE SNIPER SHOT: MUNICHALL TO OURSELVES,

ALONG WITH EVERYBODY ELSEWHO PLAYS.

- DEPUTYDONG!

OPEN UP, YOU BITCH ASS!

- HEY, HEY, HEY!THIS AIN'T A GAME ANYMORE!

- COME ON, MAN.WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

WE CAN HEARYOUR BITCH-ASS MUSIC.

- HE'S BEING A BITCH ASS.

- ALL RIGHT,I GOT AN IDEA.

I'M GONNA GOCHECK AROUND BACK.

- I HAVE AN IDEA TOO,AND IT'S...

- CHECK IN THE BACK, ROGER.- IT'S IN THE FRONT.

- SORRY.

[suspenseful orchestration]

- MAYBE IF WE MIX DRY ICEWITH SOME BE--AVOCADOS...

- OKAY.- MAYBE WE CAN CREATE ANOTHER--

- WAIT, YOU CAN'T TOUCH ITWITH YOUR BARE HANDS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- OH, WHY IS IT STICKING TO ME?

OH, IT'S STICKING TO ME.OH--OH!

OH, IT'S SO HOT!- HANG ON, HANG ON.

- IT'S SO HOT.WHY IS ICE HOT?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE COLD!- HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.

LET ME HELP YOU.- NO, I'M GONNA BREAK IT

ON MY HEAD.- WHAT? NO.

- [screams]- WHAT ARE YOU--

HANG ON.MY HOT COFFEE, MY HOT COFFEE.

I'M GONNA MELT IT.I'M GONNA MELT IT.

READY?

- OH. OW.- HEY, IT WORKED.

- [screams]

THE COFFEE'S BURNING MY EYES.

- SHOOT, SORRY.- OW, GOD.

- OH, MY GOD.IS HE OKAY?

- I WAS BURNED BY ICE,

AND THEN I WAS BURNEDBY COFFEE.

IT HURTS.IT HURTS SO BAD.

IS IT HIM?- AM I WHO?

- NO. STOP.

- WHAT IS A BUNDLEOF STICKS?

- SHH, STOP IT.

- WHAT DO YOU CONSIDERA BUNDLE OF STICKS?

- STOP IT, STOP--OH, WE GOT COPS.

WE GOT COPS.THERE'S A COP.

- HO, HO.

- THERE WASTHIS WHOLE THING, DAD.

I MEAN, IT WAS--IT WAS INSANE.HEY, YOU MISSED

LIKE THIS WHOLE ORDEAL.- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE?

COME ON, GET INSIDE.

THE NEIGHBORS ARE GONNA SEE YOU.COME ON, INSIDE.

- DEPUTYDONG, THAT'S HIM.- DUDE, HE'S A COP?

NO WONDERHE'S SO GOOD AT THE GAME.

NOW I GET IT.- IT'S A FUNNY NAME.

- I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST,LIKE, ABOUT--WELL, ANYWAY.

THIS IS BLACK OPSAGENT DREBLE

TO BLACK OPSAGENT UNCLE BLAZER.

WHAT IS YOUR LOCATION,UNCLE BLAZER?

- NO, UH, ACTUALLY,I'M GOING BY "CHAMILITARY MAN."

YEAH, AS IN CHAMILLIONAIRE'SRAP GROUP.

YOU REMEMBER HIM, RIGHT?

- YOU GOTTA GETOUT OF THERE, DUDE.

HE'S A COP.HE'S THERE.

- AND THERE WAS ALLTHIS LOUD COMMOTION OUTSIDE.

- OH, POOP...AND PEE MIXED TOGETHER.

CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK--- LISTEN UP IN THE BACK.

- WE WOULD LIKE TO HONORRAMIREZ'S FALLEN SOUL

WITH A TRADITIONAL IRISH COPDRINKIN' SONG.

- HEY, HOW 'BOUT IT?- UH, RAMIREZ WAS NOT IRISH.

- HE WAS NOT IRISH,BUT HE WAS A TRADITIONAL GUY.

EVERY--WE USED TO GETTHE SHAMROCK SHAKES

WITH HIM EVERY YEAR, RIGHT?

AND TRADITIONALLY,COPS ARE IRISH.

- LET'S JUST SING THE SONG.MM-KAY.

- ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA

- [scats]

♪ WHEN IRISH COPS ARREST YA

♪ YOU BETTER RUN AND HIDE

♪ BUT DON'T RUN FROM COPS

♪ BUT IF YOU DO,WE'LL BEAT YOUR BEHIND ♪

- ♪ BUT WITHIN THE RESTRICTIONSOF THE LAW ♪

♪ AND WE WILL ALWAYSREMEMBER YOU, RAMIREZ ♪

- ♪ YOU HADA BIG OLD [bleep] ♪

♪ AND IF A GIRLIESUCKED IT ♪

♪ IT WOULD PROBABLYMAKE HER SICK ♪

- ♪ BUT LET'S ALWAYS REMEMBERTHAT RAMIREZ WAS ♪

♪ A PROUD, STRONG WARRIOR,AND THAT'S IT ♪

- ♪ WHO HADA BIG OLD DICK ♪

♪ AND HE'S PROBABLYIN HEAVEN ♪

♪ MAKING ALL THE ANGELSSUCK ON HIS [bleep] ♪

- ♪ BUT ONCE AGAIN,THE ONE THING ♪

♪ TO REMEMBER ABOUT THE DUDE

- OKAY, NOWWE GOTTA GO RIGHT.

MY--MY RIGHT.NO, THAT'S--THAT'S STRAIGHT.

- WHERE--WHERE IS IT?- [groans]

OKAY, KEEP--KEEP--IT'S STRAIGHT.

THERE, WE'RE GOOD.- OH, THERE, THERE, THERE.

THERE IT IS, OKAY.[sighs]

GREAT DISGUISE, MAN.THAT'S GREAT.

OKAY, LET'S GET TO IT.OH, YEAH.

[laughs]

- CAN I TALK TO YOUABOUT SOMETHING?

- HUH?WHAT, RIGHT NOW?

- YEAH, I-I JUST--YOU KNOW, I THINK

MY DAD HANGS OUT IN HEREAND PLAYS VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T QUITE KNOWHOW TO TALK TO ME, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I'M SO DIFFERENT?

- SURE, I MEAN,I'M DIFFERENT TOO.

I MEAN, NOT--NOT THE WAY YOU'RE DIFFERENT,

BUT IN MY OWN WAY.- THERE'S STUFF IN YOUR HAIR.

- YEAH, IT'S OKAY.I GOT IT, I'LL HANDLE IT.

I GOT IT. YEAH.I'M KIND OF LIKE--SORRY.

I'M A LITTLE ANALABOUT THAT.

NOT ANAL, BUT JUST--

I GET UPSETWHEN PEOPLE TOUCH MY HAIR.

- MM.- YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S JUST GET BACKTO SABOTAGING, OKAY?

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, NO, NO,TELL ME HOW YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?LET'S--

I DON'T KNOWIF NOW IS THE TIME

FOR THE DISCUSSION PART,OKAY?

JUST LET ME OUT!JUST LET ME OUT.

I DON'T WANT TO FART ON YOUOR ANYTHING, SO...

- I THINK MY DAD,YOU KNOW,

HE--HE JUST DOESN'TUNDERSTAND ME.

I'M AFRAIDHE DOESN'T LOVE ME.

- I'M SURE YOUR DADLOVES YOU, DUDE.

AND, HEY,HE'S GONNA LOVE YOU EVEN MORE

ONCE WE DELETETHIS GAMING ACCOUNT, ALL RIGHT?

HE'LL HAVE NOTHING TO DOBUT HANG OUT WITH YOU,

SO COME ON,LET'S DO THIS.

GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD,YOU DORK.

YOUR DAD LOVES YOU.

- THANKS,AGENT CHAMILITARY MAN.

- YES, YOU'RE WELCOME,AND I DON'T

REALLY LIKE THAT NAME ANYMORE.I'M NOT GONNA USE IT.

- OH, I WAS JUSTGETTING USED TO IT.

- I WANT SOMETHING MORE MANLY.

THINKING WITH THIS GETUP HERE,

MAYBE COMMANDEROF S.W.A.T. TITTIES?

- OH, MY GOD.

IT'S A GANG MEMBER!

THIS IS THE--THE--THE FREAKING GANGBANGER

THAT KILLED RAMIREZ...- OH, YEAH.

- HE AND HIS WHOLE CLIQUEOF FREAKIN' LONGHAIRS.

HE PROBABLY SHOWED UP HERETO WATCH US GRIEVE,

YOU SICK [bleep].

- WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT REALIZEIS WE ARE BLACK OPS.

THIS WAS OUR OPERATION.WE CAME HERE TO GET HIM.

- YEP, UNDERCOVER.- SO WE'RE GONNA TAKE THIS PERP

TO HQ, PROBABLY WATERBOARD HIM,I DON'T KNOW.

both: WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.- YEAH.

- NO, NO, NO, HOLD ON.YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

IF YOU'RE GONNA TORTURETHIS COP KILLER,

I'D LIKE TO SEE IT.- UH, DO YOU HAVE A BOARD

THAT WE CAN POURSOME WATER ON?

THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST STEPS.- YEAH.

- THAT'S NOTWHAT WATERBOARDING IS.

- WELL, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?ARE YOU BLACK OPS?

- AM I BLACK OPS?- FOUND A BOARD, FOUND A BOARD.

SO WE CAN DO IT OURSELVES.

[overlapping shouting]

RIGHT HERE,YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT.

- WE'RE GONNA POUR SOME WATERON THAT BOARD NOW.

YEAH.- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

BUT DON'T GETMY WALKIE-TALKIE WET, SERIOUSLY.

- OH, I'M GONNA FREAKIN'--- FULLY STOCKED.

- CAN I TAKEMY WALKIE-TALKIE OFF, DAMN IT?

- YOU'RE--CONSIDERYOURSELF WATERBOARDED.

- YEAH.- WHOO, WHOO.

WHOO.WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

- NOW, WHAT THE [bleep]IS GOING ON HERE?

YOU GUYS ARE ALL DRESSED ALIKE.YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

RAMIREZ DIED OF A HEART ATTACKIN HIS HOUSE.

- UH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID.YOU STRUNG US ALONG.

- WE ARE DRESSED ALIKE.I-I ACTUALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

- THE THING IS THIS:WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE

BECAUSE WE PLAY VIDEO GAMESWITH YOU ONLINE--

SNIPER SHOT: MUNICH--AND YOU CALL US

[bleep] ALL DAY.WE DON'T APPRECIATE IT.

SO WE'RE HERE TO TELL YOUTO YOUR FACE.

- YEAH, WE THOUGHTWE WERE JUST GONNA COME HERE

AND JUST FRICKIN' STOMPON A FOOL.

AND THEN, IT WAS A COP,AND WE--

I GOT TO SING FOR YOU GUYS,WHICH WAS FUN, BUT--YEP.

- AND SIR,WE JUST NEED YOU TO KNOW

THAT YOUR HATEFUL,HURTFUL [bleep]-BOMBS

AREN'T JUST HURTING US,ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE HURTINGYOUR BOY NATE AS WELL.

AND HE'S GOT SOMETHINGHE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.

GO AHEAD, YOUNG MAN.

- DAD, I HATE IT WHENYOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES SO MUCH.

I FEEL LIKEYOU IGNORE ME,

AND YOU LOVE YELLING AT PEOPLEAND PLAYING GAMES

MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME.

- AND?- AND...

- TELL 'EM WHO YOU AREIN YOUR HEART.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?- DEEP UP IN YOUR BUTT,

WHO ARE YOU?- IT GETS BETTER.

- WHAT GETS BETTER--WHAT?- YOU CAN TELL 'EM.

- TELL 'EM YOU'REA LITTLE GAY DUDE.

- WHAT?- WHAT?

OH--NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.I'M NOT GAY.

- OKAY, WHOA,'CAUSE MY GAYDAR WAS GOING--

[flaps lips]

- AND LET ME REMIND YOUTHAT YOU FLASHED

YOUR PUBE-FLAME AT US.- BUT SO DID HE.

DOES THAT MEAN HE'S GAY?- NO, IT DOESN'T MAKE ME--

I'M CONSTANTLY SHOWINGTHESE GUYS MY PUBES.

I HAVE A WHOLE DESIGN SITUATIONDOWN HERE.

I ALSO TRIMMY INNER THIGH HAIRS.

AND ALSO, MY BUTTHOLE HAIRSHAVE A CERTAIN PIZZAZZ.

IT'S A HETERO THINGIN MY CASE.

- OKAY, WELL,I'M NOT GAY EITHER, NO.

THE WHOLE REASONTHAT I GOT INTO FASHION

IN THE FIRST PLACEWAS SO WOMEN

WOULD TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFFAROUND ME.

SO MANY TITTIES.- YOU'RE SERIOUS?

- I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.- YEAH, SHE'S HOT.

I CAUGHT HIM BONING IN HIS ROOMTHE OTHER DAY,

AND I JUST WATCHED,JUST FOR A SECOND.

HE WAS REALLYGIVING IT TO HER,

LIKE HIS OLD MAN,YOU KNOW?

- DEFINITELY WEIRD.PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT.

WHAT IS GOING ONBETWEEN YOU GUYS?

WHAT'S--WHAT IS THE BEEF?

- [sighs]

NATE.

I'M A COP,AND I GOT A SON

WHO SPENDS ALL HIS TIMEON A SEWING MACHINE.

REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO PLAYSTREET HOCKEY ALL THE TIME?

YOU WERE SUCHA GIFTED GOALIE.

- OKAY, HOW 'BOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT I CUT BACKON THE SEWING,

YOU CUT BACKON THE VIDEO GAMES,

AND, YOU KNOW, WE COULDGO TO A COYOTES GAME

LIKE WE USED TO?- COME ON.

- OH, MY GOD.

- WELL, LOOK AT THESE GUYS.- MY BOY.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.- OH, WOW.

- WHAT DO WE DOABOUT THESE [bleep]?

- LET'S DO SOMETHINGTO HONOR RAMIREZ.

LET'S MACE 'EM.[all screaming]

GET THE LITTLE ONEIN THE MOUTH.

Loading...