Christopher Titus: Voice in My Head

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 10/05/2013

Christopher Titus has paid a lot of dues throughout this life, like having to deal with his cantankerous family, crummy teenage jobs and a $30 million failure.

- THIS IS MY FIFTHCOMEDY SPECIAL,

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOUSOMETHING.

THAT I'M PLAYING THIS THEATERAND THAT YOU GUYS ALL CAME

TONIGHT IS AN HONORAND IT'S HUMBLING,

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOWSOMETHING.

I EARNED THIS SHIT.

BECAUSE...

[chuckles]

NO, NOT--

I'M TELLING YA.

NO, 'CAUSE I PAID SOME DUES,MAN.

I PLAYED--I PLAYED SHOWSFOR SOME PEOPLE, SOME REDNECKS.

AND I DON'T MEAN THOSE CUTE,JEFF FOXWORTHY REDNECKS.

THEY'RE KIND OF CUDDLY.

I MEAN, THAT SWAMP PEOPLE SHOW

WHERE THEY'RE KILLINGALLIGATOR REDNECKS.

HONEY BOO BOO,THE DARK SIDE.

[in redneck accent] "YEAH,WE CAUGHT US A COUPLE OF GATORS.

"WE'RE GONNA USE THE TAIL FORSOUP, THE SKIN FOR SOME SHOES,

"TAKE THE TEETH DOWNTO THE LOCAL KIOSK AT THE MALL

"AND USE THAT MONEYGO SEE CHRISTOPHER TITUS.

I HEAR THAT SHOW'S A HUMDINGER."

THOSE PEOPLE.

AND I'M NOT DOING A CHARACTER.

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE.

I DID A SHOW IN LOUISIANAONE TIME,

WHERE PEOPLE FROM MY OWN COUNTRY

COULDN'T QUITE SPEAKTHE LANGUAGE.

I'M IN BATON ROUGE,I'M DOING THIS ONE-NIGHTER,

AND I'M FIVE MINUTES INTOTHE SHOW, AND NOT ONE LAUGH.

AND I DON'T SUCK AT THIS.

I GET ONE LAUGH IN FIVE MINUTES.

DUDE LOOKS AT HIS BUDDY.THIS IS WHAT I HEAR:

[mimics Creole language]

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SPEAKING,BANJO?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"NO, BOY, THAT'S CREOLE."

"CREOLE, BANJO.KIND OF SOUNDS THE SAME TO ME."

AND I WOULD GO ON THESEROAD TOURS TO THESE HORRIBLE,

ONE-NIGHTERS THROUGHTHESE LITTLE, TINY CLUBS.

AND THE LAST TOURI DID DOWN SOUTH

WAS CALLED "THE MACON TOUR."

IT WAS CALLED THE MACON TOUR'CAUSE THAT WAS THE CROWN JEWEL.

THAT WAS SATURDAY NIGHT.

YOU COULDN'T WAITTO GET TO SATURDAY NIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW SAD YOUR LIFE ISTHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD

TO GET...TO MACON, GEORGIA?

I LOVE GOING TO PHOENIXIN THE SUMMER,

'CAUSE IT'S HOT,SUPER HOT.

AND IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED, YOU CANGO OUT TO A PARK, SIT DOWN,

AND JUST WATCH LITTLE KIDSBURST INTO FLAME.

[laughter]

I GO TO THE CLUB THAT NIGHTTO DO MY SHOW,

AND THE CLUB OWNERCOMES OVER TO ME,

AND HE GOES, "HEY, TITUS, I GOTTO WARN YOU ABOUT SOMETHING."

AND PLEASE NEVER START ACONVERSATION WITH ME LIKE THAT,

'CAUSE MY INNER RETARDCLICKS ON AND GOES,

"IT'S CANCER.THEY TOLD HIM TO TELL YOU."

I GO, "WHAT?"

AND HE GOES, "NILS LOFGRENIS COMING TO THE SHOW TONIGHT."

"WHOA, WHOA, STOP, STOP.

NILS LOFGREN?E STREET BAND NILS LOFGREN?

ONE OF THE BEST GUITARISTSOF ALL TIME

IS COMING TO THE SHOW TONIGHT?"

"YEAH, I GUESS YOU SUCK SO BADAT COMEDY,

THEY'VE TURNED IT INTOA ROCK AND ROLL CLUB."

"WAIT, WHY IS NILS LOFGRENCOMING TO THE SHOW?"

"I DON'T KNOW. HE CALLED ANDSAID HE WANTED TO COME SEE YOU."

"EVEN BETTER, DUDE.

"YOU GET TO SUCKIN FRONT OF ONE OF YOUR HEROES.

HEY, CUE ARMPIT SWEAT NOW."

BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON,THE SHOW GOES GREAT.

I HAVE A KILLER SHOW.I GET DONE. I'M BACKSTAGE.

WAITER COMES BACK AND GOES,"HEY, TITUS,

NILS LOFGREN ASKEDIF HE COULD COME SAY HI TO YOU."

AND I DON'T LIKEMEETING CELEBRITIES.

DO NOT WANT TO MEET THEM.DON'T CARE.

YOU KNOW WHY?WHAT IF THEY'RE NOT COOL?

WHAT IF THEY'RE NOTWHAT YOU LIKE THEM FOR, RIGHT?

WHAT IF THEY'RE DIFFERENT?

I HAD THIS THEORY CALLED"DOUCHE BAG CREDITS."

LISTEN UP.

EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EARNEDA CERTAIN AMOUNT

OF DOUCHE BAG CREDITS.

TOM HANKS HAS THE MOST

DOUCHE BAG CREDITS.

HERE'S WHAT I MEAN.

IF TOMORROW'S PAPER READ,"TOM HANKS PUNCHES NUN,"

YOUR FIRST QUESTION IS,"WHAT THE HELL DID THAT NUN DO

TO TOM HANKS?"

[laughter]

LIKE, A COUPLE YEARS AGO,CHARLIE SHEEN CASHED ALL HIS IN

IN A WEEKEND.

HE WAS LIKE, "WINNING,TIGER BLOOD, AH, AHH!"

BUT VERY BRILLIANTLY,

ALEC BALDWIN KIND OFDOLES ONE OUT EVERY 18 MONTHS.

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER HATEALEC BALDWIN.

HE NEVER LETS HIS BALANCEGET DOWN TOO LOW.

YOU JUST GO,"OH, FUCK IT, ALEC BALDWIN.

[laughter]

I GUESS HE'S HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AGAIN."

SO...LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN,BANKRUPT.

BUT REMEMBER WHENROBERT DOWNEY JR. WAS BANKRUPT?

NOW HE'S BACK ON TOP AGAIN,RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

OKAY, SO YOU CAN GET THEM BACK.