Lisa Lampanelli: Tough Love

  • Season 1, Ep 101

Lisa Lampanelli roasts her audience, her husband and celebrities who can't take the heat.

before I metJimmy Big Balls--

that's what I call him'cause it's freakin' true--

Seriously,every time I fondle one,

I feel like Kobe Bryantwarming up for a foul shot.

Wait a minute.I don't wanna loseanybody's concentration.

Guys, Kobe Bryant...

is a basketball player...

who plays on television.

Black guy,television...

is that thing you steal.

Hispanic girls,

television is that thingyou dust, okay?

Good times.

Oh! Anyways--

When I met my guy, okay,

I had lost 30--

I had lost 30 poundson the Jenny Craig.

And, P.S., I didn'twanna gain it all back.

'Cause you know what they say:Once you go Wop,the eating won't stop.

So I mademe and Jimmy Big Ballsgo on a diet.

Well, ladies,never go on a dietwith a guy,

'cause they lose weight fastand you stay the fat whoreyou always were.

Right?In six months of dieting,

I have lost three pounds...

and he lost 60!

I'm killin' myself,and he's droppin' weight...

like Freddie Mercuryin a steam bath.

And I can tell he lost 60.You know how I can tell?

When I used to blow him,

I couldn't see his face.

Two weeks ago,I saw the tip of a nose...

and a hint of chin.

Backstage tonight,full face.

[ Applause ]I know.

To a white guy.

Well, before you boo,let me explain.

As you know,for many years I had enjoyedthe chocolate love,

because the blackslike a big ass...

so they have a place to stashthe guns and evidence.

However, three years ago,

my Jew bastard shrinktold me I was racist...

'cause I wouldn't datenobody else.

So I took a year off from datingto let the healing begin.

And I dated one guyfrom every race.

You know, except the Asian guys,'cause nobody wants that.

I mean-- Come on.I'm trying to have an orgasm,not get my computer fixed.

So I actually metand fell in lovewith a big Italian.

Well, do you knowhow different it is...

going from dating a black guyto datin' whitey?

Did you know peoplego someplace between9:00 and 5:00 every day?

[ Mouths Word ]

And I ain't gonna besexually graphic...

in front of Father Timeover here.

But when it comesto goin' down south,

you black guys will notgo down there under duress.

I should not haveto spritz my inner thighwith barbecue sauce...

to get the job done!

But that's one thingI give to you white guys, man.

You guys go down therelike a champ.God bless you.

Good for you.

And believe me,I'm the boss in that sack.

I'm like,"Hey, mother-effer.

Get down thereand service that squirrel,

and don't come up tillI tell you you're done.

I got a great job,I got a great guy.And you know what?

He don't mind thatI talk about the sack.

Seriously.I said to him when we met--I liked him so much, I said,

"Look. If you don't want me to make fun of ya, I won't mention ya."

And he said,"You know what? When I met you,

I knew what I was in for.

80,000 jokes aboutmy enormous, misshapen,off-putting meat sack.

And an ironclad prenup."

Hey, come on.I gotta protectwhat's "mineses," you know.

I don't like to brag,but I got two mortgagesI'm only two months behind on,

and two very sweetToyota Camrys, bitches.

By the way, Ching Ping,thanks for the pedalthat sticks.

I really appreciate that.

Freakin' paybackfor Pearl Harborwith this guy.

People wonder if Jimmy's real.He does exist.Look for him on Facebook.

He is the prototypicalItalian.

He is so Italian,when he gave me my ring,

it still had a finger in it.

But, you know,when a guy shaves"I love you"...

into his back hair--

You take notice.You really do.

Also, you know what?I make fun of him.

But youse people,you're freakin' amazing.

You really are coolto take a joke from me.

I saw--I saw the blacks smile.

I saw teeth and eyes.I know what I'm doin'.

I love that.Black guy, you're amazing.

What's your name, my friend?[ Man ]Joe.

Is it really Joe,or is it somethingyou're using...

'cause there might bepolice in here?

Oh, my God.You know what's weird?That's not even his wife.

That's his parole officer.

Clap it up for Joe,the parolee.

I love you, Joe!Thank you!

who really deserveto be roasted.

So tonight,I present to you...

Lisa Lampanelli's First Annual Roast...

of Worthless Americans.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Let's start witheverybody's favorite,

the cast ofthe Jersey Shore.

[ Groans ]

The cast of the Jersey Shoreis the worst thingto happen to the Jersey Shore...

since erosionand medical waste.

And these A-holes didn'teven stay in New Jersey.They went to Miami.

Yeah, that's exactlywhat Miami needs.

Since the oil spill, thereweren't enough grease ballswashin' up on the beach.

[ Groans ]

First, there's Snooki.

Snooki. Holy crap.

Snooki is so short and orange,she works part timeas a highway traffic cone.

Then there'sthe Situation.

The Situation? Really?

Hey, Sitch, guess what.

When your nickname's"the Situation,"

the situation isyou're a freakin' idiot.

This guy made it onto Dancing with the Stars,

and also hasa rap CD out.

Can you imagine buyin'that piece of crap CD?

I'd be less embarrassedbuyin' child pornand vaginal itch cream.

Who raised these kids,the real housewivesof New Jersey?

Don't get me startedon them housewives.

The real housewivesof New Jerseyare such a disaster,

they're thinking aboutbuilding a mosquenear them.

It's like the mostgreatest joke maybethat was ever written.