Nick Vatterott & Jon Dore

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 11/20/2012

T.J. Miller thinks calzones look like butts, Nick Vatterott explains why X is the coolest letter, and Jon Dore is all out of material.

EMPTY INDIVIDUAL

NOT TO TEAR UPEVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT

AT THE END OFA ROMANTIC COMEDY

LIKE WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?WITH ANNA FARIS

AND CHRIS EVANS.

WHEN THE GUY GETS THE GIRL,I ALWAYS TEAR UP.

AND I TURN TO MY GIRLFRIENDWHO'S THERE WITH ME,

YOU KNOW, TO TELL HER,

"HEY, THANK YOU.

"THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING ME

AND LETTING ME BELIEVETHAT TRUE LOVE CAN BE REAL."

WHEN I TURNED TO HER,SHE JUST HELD UP A CALZONE

THAT SHE HAD BOUGHT AT SBARRO'SEARLIER THAT DAY,

AND SHE SAID, "DOESN'T THISLOOK LIKE A DOUBLE VAGINA?"

"ARE YOU CRYING?

WHAT WERE YOU ABOUT TO SAY?"

"NOTHING. THE TOP PARTLOOKS MORE LIKE A BUTT."

THIS IS A HYPNOTIST WHO'S JUSTA LITTLE BIT TOO SASSY.

"YOU ARE NOW UNDER MY HYPNOSIS.

"UNTIL I SNAP MY FINGERS,EVERYTHING THAT I SAY

"YOU WILL TAKE NOTAS A SUGGESTION BUT AS A RULE.

"YOU WILL NO LONGERCRAVE CIGARETTES.

"YOU WILL NO LONGER WANTA CIGARETTE,

"AND YOU'RE GONNA GETRID OF THAT FLANNEL SHIRT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMBERJACKTHAT GAVE UP ON LIFE!"

[snaps]OH, [bleep].

THIS GUY--WHENEVERHE'S AMAZED BY SOMETHING,

HE DOES A TRIPLE TAKEINSTEAD OF A DOUBLE TAKE.

BUT THE THIRD TAKE COMESA LITTLE BIT TOO LATE.

"HOLD ON--YOU PAIDHOW MUCH FOR THAT CEREAL?"

AH, THIS IS A GUYWHO HIS WIFE IS A ZOMBIE,

BUT HE HASN'T BEEN ABLETO COME TO TERMS WITH THAT YET.

"OH, WELL, CHERYL, YOU DIDN'THAVE TO BRING SOMETHING.

"THANK YOU.WELL, COME ON IN.

"I WANT YOU TO MEET MY WIFE.

"LET ME JUST GET THIS TORCH.UH, THIS IS SHARON.

"BAAAAACK!BAAACK!

"BAAAAAAACK!BAAAAAAAAACK!

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

WE STILL HAVEOUR LITTLE LOVER'S SPATS."

THIS GUY IS A REAL JERK,A REAL JERK.

BUT HE DOES NOT KNOW HOWTO PLAY THE VIOLIN.

"OH, BOO-HOO!YOU GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT

"AND YOU LOST YOUR CREDIT CARDIN THE SAME DAY?

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

"HUH?YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

THIS IS ME PLAYING THE WORLD'SSMALLEST VIOLIN."

THE COOLEST LETTER RECENTLY.

THE COOLEST LETTER.

WE GOT IN THAT AGE-OLDDISCUSSION.

X. I THINK IT'S X, RIGHT?YOU KNOW?

IT'S IN ALL THE COOL STUFF,YOU KNOW?

X-RAY VISION.X-BOX. X-MEN.

EX-WIFE--ALL THE STUFFTHAT'S COOL TO HAVE, YOU KNOW?

I THINK WE ALL KNOWTHE LAMEST LETTER, THOUGH.

RIGHT?Q.

[laughter]

SOME Q FANSIN THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW,Q CAN'T DO ANYTHING

WITHOUT HIS LITTLEU BUTT BUDDY HANGING AROUND,

YOU KNOW?

THINK THE OTHER LETTERSTRY TO INCLUDE Q MORE,

LIKE R SEES Q IN A DARK ALLEY,YOU KNOW, AND...

"HEY, Q.

"IT'S ME. R.

SAY, UH, ME AND T ARE THINKINGABOUT GETTING A WORD TOGETHER."

"YOU WANT IN?"

"OKAY.

[laughter]

"THAT SOUNDS FUN.

"HEY, UH, YOU THINKIT'D BE COOL

"IF U CAME ALONG?WOULD THAT BE ALL RIGHT?

"YOU PATHETIC Q,ALWAYS SITTING THERE

"WITH YOUR TAIL BETWEEN YOUR O.

TIME TO DITCH YOU,AND WORD UP."

I JUST PICTURETHE CONSONANTS AS MALE,

VOWELS AS FEMALE--I THINK WE ALL DO.

UH...I ALWAYS WONDERED,

WHAT IF THEY EVER TRYTO HOOK UP WITH EACH OTHER,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A SEES QIN A NIGHTCLUB,

SHE'S LIKE...

"HEY, Q, IT'S ME, LETTER A."

[laughter]

WANNA F?"

"OKAY.

"THAT'D BE COOL.THAT SOUNDS FUN.

"THAT SOUNDS REALLY FUN.

"HEY, UH, YOU THINKIT'D BE COOL

IF U CAME ALONG?WOULD THAT BE ALL RIGHT?"

"YOU'RE SICK, Q!

"WHAT KINDA LETTERDO YOU TAKE ME FOR ANYWAY, HUH?

Y?""DID SOMEBODY SAY Y?

"HA HA!

"HEY, WHERE YOU GOING, A?AH!

"I'LL DO A,I'LL DO Q.

"I'LL GO BOTH WAYS, BABY!HA HA HA!

"THAT'S RIGHT, I'M A FREAK.I'LL DO ANY LETTER.

"I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE,ALL RIGHT?

"I'LL DO J.I'LL DO I RIGHT IN HER DOT.

"I'LL DO LOWER CASE Y.I'M A FREAK.

"KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"I MEAN, I GOT SO DRUNK RECENTLY,

"I WENT TO BED WITH O!

"I MEAN, I THOUGHT IT WAS O.

"I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY,IT WAS 0.

"I FUCKED A GODDAMN NUMBER!

- I GOT SOME FOOD.- IS IT TACOS FROM TACO BELL?

- NO.

IT'S A TACOFROM GARY'S TACO.

- ♪ THAT [bleep] IS POISON

- ♪ TACO BELL COME WITHEXTRA SOUR CREAM ♪

- ♪ WE DON'T TRUSTBURGERS AND FRIES ♪

[dance music]

- AH.

Y'ALL WANNA TRADE SHIRTS?

- NO WAY.- HELL, NO.

I LOVE MY SHIRT.

- I LOVE--I LOVE MY SHIRT TOO.

- OH, I LIKE MY SHIRT.

- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY

♪ TO ME

- OH![ding]

- WOW!

- WOW!

both: WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO!

[cackling]

- I GOT TWO TICKETSTO THE GAME TODAY.

- TWO TICKETS?

- UM...I LIKE MY SPACE.

I LIKE TO BE ABLETO PUT MY LEGS

IN THE ADJACENT SEAT.

- OH.

- YOU KEEP DOING THIS, THOUGH.IT'S REAL COOL.

BECAUSE I JUST FOUND OUTBEFORE I CAME ON STAGE

THEY HAVE ASKED ME BACK TO DOTHE NEXT SEASON OF MASH UP.

ISN'T THAT EXCITING?

YEAH. AND I THOUGHT,

FOR THE SAKE OF THE PEOPLEHERE TONIGHT IN THE AUDIENCE,

I WOULD PREVIEW THE JOKESI PLAN ON DOING ON THAT SET,

SO IF YOU LIKE THE SETUPAND YOU THINK,

"OH, I'D LIKE TO HEARTHE END OF THAT,"

WELL, THEN YOU COME ON BACKHERE NEXT YEAR.

SO I'LL BE DOING A JOKEAT THE NEXT MASH UP

ABOUT THE EXCLAMATION COMMA.

WE ALL KNOWTHE EXCLAMATION POINT

COMES AT THE ENDOF THE SENTENCE,

BUT WHAT IF YOU WANT TO YELLIN THE MIDDLE OF THE SENTENCE,

AND YOU'RE NOT FINISHEDTALKING YET?

WELL, THE EXCLAMATION COMMA.

[laughter]

OKAY, SOME OF YOUTHINK THAT'S STUPID,

[yelling] IDIOTIC,OR DUMB.

BUT I JUST PROVEDIT WORKS.

BUT COME HEAR THE JOKEABOUT IT.

IT'LL BE GOOD.

I WILL BE DOING A JOKEABOUT, UH,

POPES AND SUPER BOWLS.

WHY THE ROMAN NUMERALS?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE DOING A JOKE

ABOUT HOWCHRISTOPHER REEVES DIED

AFTER HE WAS PARALYZEDFROM THE NECK DOWN.

WAS HE TRYING TO SAY,"QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD"?

WELL, THEN DON'T COME BACK!THAT'S WHY I PREVIEW THEM.

I WAS WALKINGIN THE PARK THE OTHER DAY

WITH MY, UH,LITTLE PUPPY.

LITTLE PUPPY.GOLDEN LAB.

GORGEOUS DOG.AND WHILE I WAS WALKING HIM,

AN EAGLEFLEW OUT OF THE SKY,

PICKED HIM UP,

AND FLEW HIM UP TO HIS NEST.

I CRIED MY EYES OUT.

BUT LUCKILY,I WAS WEARING MY JET PACK.

AND I FLEW UP...

AND THERE HE WAS,

SITTING THERE WITH DON HENLEYIN THE NEST...

AND MY LITTLE DOGWAS HAPPY.

AND I TALKED TO HIM AT LENGTHFOR A LONG TIME,

AND I FINALLY SAID,"SO YOU'RE OKAY HERE?

'CAUSE MY FUEL'S RUNNING OUT."

AND HE SMILED...

AND I DESCENDEDBACK DOWN TO EARTH.

THERE'S NO PUNCH LINE TO THAT,

BUT THAT'S GONNA BEREALLY FUN TO ANIMATE.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

LAST WEEK,I WENT OUT WITH A LOVELY LADY,

AND I USED THE DATE RAPE DRUGFOR THE FIRST TIME.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT JUST MADE ME REALLY TIRED.

I'M NOT TAKING THAT PILLAGAIN.

PARTWAY THROUGH THE DATE,I'M GETTING DROWSY.

IT'S LIKE, "I'M NOT GONNA GETANY RAPING DONE LIKE THIS.

"OHH!

GO HOME."

THAT IS A CLASSIC JOKE.

IT'S GOT A WONDERFULLYEDITED SETUP,

AND IT'S GOTA CONCISE PUNCH LINE,

BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY.

IT TOOK A LOT OF WORKTO EDIT IT DOWN TO THAT POINT,

AND I KNOW YOU PEOPLE LOVETHE GAG REEL IN MOVIES,

SO HERE ARE A COUPLE OF OUTTAKESOF HOW THAT JOKE USED TO GO.

I REMEMBER ONCE AT AN OPEN MICVERY EARLY ON,

THE JOKE WENT LIKE THIS:

I WENT OUT WITHA LOVELY LADY LAST NIGHT,

AND I USED THE DATE ROPE DRUGFOR THE FIRST TIME--

OH, ROPE DRUG.[bleep]. WHAT AM I DOING?

ALL RIGHT.MAAAAH! ALL RIGHT.

I REMEMBER ANOTHER TIMEI WAS DOING THAT JOKE

AT A POOL HALL.

YOU DON'T ALWAYS DO SHOWSIN COMEDY CLUBS.

I WAS IN A POOL HALL, AND ITWENT A LITTLE BIT LIKE THIS:

LAST NIGHT, I WENT OUTWITH A LOVELY LADY,

AND I USED THE, UM--LAST NIGHT, I WENT OUT, UM...

GUYS?HEY!

HEY!CAN YOU TURN--

CAN YOU NOT PLAY POOL?THANK YOU!

THERE'S SOMEONE ON STAGETELL--

IT'S CALLED RESPECT...

YA JERK.

LAST WEEK--UH, ANYWAY.LAST WEEK, I WENT OUT

WITH A LOVELY LADY.

AND I USED WHAT IS KNOWAS THE DATE--

UH, HELLO? OKAY, SECURITY!NO, NO, NO, WHAT--WHAT--

[crack]

- HUH?

both: TRUTH!

YES!

[applause]

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