Wednesday, November 30, 2016

  • 11/30/2016

Michael Ian Black, Janeane Garofalo and Matt Goldich predict what Mitt Romney would say to be part of Donald Trump's cabinet, list #MillennialMusicals and rewrite book titles.

Once upon a time, Mitt Romneyand his haircut tweeted

about president-electand popular Sunkist soda flavor

Donald Trump "Hitting on marriedwomen? Condoning assault?

"Such vile degradations demeanour wives and daughters

and corruptAmerica's face to the world."

But after a whirlwind bromance

where the pair talked aboutthe secretary of state job

while dining on-- I don't know--probably frog legs

and bald eagle wings,I don't know what they eat--

Romney said this to reporters.

He won the general election.

-Oh.-GAROFALO: Oh.

What a cuck.

-(laughter)-I'm impressed.

You couldn't actually seeTrump's lips moving

where he stuffed his handup Mitt's ass.

"I lost because it's official.

"Mr. Trump is a better personthan me, okay?

"I'm... I'm a big babywho goes poopy in his diaper,

"and Trump is my daddy.

"What the (bleep)do you people want from me?!

"I'm not enough of a monster?

"You want me to go out thereand grab a lady

"in the bathing suit areawhile drunk on caffeine?!

I have no dignity left."

(laughter)

All right, so clearly, clearly,Trump made Romney say all that,

so if he wants to becomesecretary of state,

he has to say that. Comedians,what are some other things

Mitt will have to admitto join Trump's cabinet?

-Janeane.-He will have to reveal

the Mormon who styleshis wigs and murkins.

-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.-(laughter)

Michael Ian Black.

Uh, he'll have to say,

"My carefully cultivated image

"as an elder statesmanof the GOP

"was actuallya tinsel-thin veneer

"I was willingto shove up my own asshole

in order to get a jobwith a man I swore to oppose."

-All right, yeah. I think...-(cheering, applause)

I mean, that's a paraphrasing,but yes, points.

And now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

(whooping)

You know what hashtags are,though, right?

-It's a tic-tac-toe board.-Yeah, yeah.

No, no, it's not a tic-tac...But it's a hashtag...

-Yes, yes. Pound sign.-No. Twitter is like...

-A pound sign.-No, it's not a pound sign.

-Tic-tac-toe.-It's a hashtag.

-Pound sign. -It's nottic-tac... It's a hashtag.

-(laughter)-Twitter was aflame yesterday

when Hamilton creatorLin-Manuel Miranda

and fantasy creator The Rockteamed up to produce

a 14-minute shortabout 20-somethings

and their gosh-darnsocial media obsession--

what we were just talkingabout-- in a musical version

of Get Off My Lawn!

The story's about a girl wholoses her phone but finds love.

Also, she probably has...probably has HPV.

-Uh, take a look.-(laughter)

♪ I took my Xanax,now I feel like myself ♪

♪ My Bumble date tonight,he's sexy as hell ♪

♪ He's even hotterthan the guy who teaches ♪

♪ My soul cycle classon Wednesday night ♪

♪ Love my millennial life.

-GAROFALO: Oh, God.-HARDWICK: Oh!

-(laughter)-Heh-heh. It's so true.

So, in honorof Millennials: The Musical,

we're following suitwith tonight's hashtag

#MillennialMusicals.Examples might be--

Phantom of the Whole Foods, and Beauty and the Bae.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Mike Black. -Jesus Christ Vine Star.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Janeane. -Wicked Chlamydia.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Matt. -The Rocky Horror Netflix Original.

-Yes, points.-(cheering, applause)

-Mike Black. -The Music Major.

Yes, points! Janeane.

Oklahoma Where the Dum-Dums Voted for Trump.

-Okay, points. Points.-(cheering, applause)

-Matt. -The Content Producers.

Yes, points. Mike.

Willy Wonka and the Gluten-Free Dessert Factory.

-Yes, points.-(cheering, applause)

Tinder on the Roof.

Yes, points.Matt.

Glee.

Yes... right there.

GAROFALO:Ooh, that was good.

Michael.

Bye Bye Bernie.

Yes, points.

He's not dead.

-Yet-- he's very old, he'svery old. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Better Book Titles.Better Book Titles.

Today's the last dayof National Novel Writing Month,

also called NaNoWriMo

or Monthof Complete Self-Delusion.

Uh, and whileevery year, thousands...

I-I tried to do ita couple years in a row.

I got to day three. I'm like,"I f... I got nothing."

Uh, thousands of aspiringartists cram into coffee shops

determined to writethe next great American novel,

uh, but, like,with vampires, you guys.

Uh, now, most peoplenever finish anything,

because spoiler alert:writing is really hard.

So instead of writing a wholebook, we're taking a page

from Better Book Titles

and just stickingto the names, you guys.

I'm gonna show you a famous book

and I want you to tell mea better title for it.

All right?First up, To Kill a Mockingbird.

-Michael Ian Black. -The Book Before She Got Dementia

-and Her Caretaker Abused Her. -All right, points. -Oh...

(laughter, groaning,scattered applause)

Hey.

-Oh...-You know something, guys?

If you're not comfortable withthat, maybe you should've done

something to stop it!

-Sorry about that, Mike.-No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for them.

Next up, The Hunger Games. The Hunger Games.

Michael Ian Black.

Trump's America, the Prequel.

-Ooh.-(cheering and applause)

"Listen, may the odds be everin your favor, okay?

Unbelievable."

Uh, next up, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. Janeane.

Duh.

(cheering and applause)

Amazing.

Last one, Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones, Matt Goldich.

Nerds R.R. Coming.