Hollywood Sequel Doctor

  • Season 5, Ep 8
  • 08/26/2015

A brainstorming session for "Gremlins 2" goes off the rails, a criminal snitches on his friends, and a party guest tries to hide his ignorance about global politics.

(man)But that was a good practice,though, dawg.

That was a good practice.

Pah!I got you, dawg.

Quackadilly, you playtoo much, man.

What's up, Fudge?

Hey, man, you playtoo much, Quackadilly.

Come on, don't playwith me, man.

Not now.

I'm about to go--come on, hey, stop!

Stop, stop--hey!

Hey, don'ttickle me, man.

[gasps]Oh, you ticklish, dawg.

No, I'm saying, don't--

[both shouting]

Stop, man!Stop!

What you doing?

You being stupid, man!

[high-pitched shouting]

You being stupid!

[dramatic music]

[whispering]You touched my dick.

I didn't--

I mean, I did,but I di--

My finger gra--

It does now occur to me...

that perhaps indeedI do play too much.

I never intendedto grab the dick.

I'm telling you,this movie...

[door opens and closes]- Should write itself.

The first one was a classic.

This should bepretty straightforward.

Basically, all we're doingis maintaining the integrity

of the original picture.

We want to doall the stuff with the water

and the--

What--

Uh, can we help you?

I'm sorry.

Let me introduce myself.

Hi, y'all.

My name isStar Magic Jackson, Jr.

I'm the Hollywoodsequel doctor,

so studio just brings me into oversee things

when they aboutto drop a deuce.

So that's why I'm here,but don't mind me.

I'm just gonna be over here.

Y'all do your thing.

It's your movie.

Okay.

Let's brainstorm.Adam.

If it's gonna take placein an office building,

I was thinking,what if Gizmo gets wet

from a water cooler this time?

Okay, hold on a second!

I'm sorry, I'm gonna haveto step in here.

Just one second,sweetheart.

So what's wrongwith y'all?

Y'all are looking likea bunch of sad sacks.

This is G2, people.

We writing Gremlins 2.

It should be a party,

with pizza and anchovies,pineapple.

Just come on.

Lift up the spirits.

Look, okay, I'm gonnaput a little bit of spice

into the mixture here.

What if we did this?

Everybody here getsto design their own gremlin.

Um, I-I don't see thatthe gremlin design is broken.

It's called brainstorming,not brain drizzling, sweet pea.

Okay?

Shut your mouthfor a second.

(Star)Look, here's the thing.

None of this is final.

So you mean, like,

what if there was,like, a brainy gremlin?

[scoffs]A brainy gremlin?

You talkingabout a gremlin with glasses

who could talkand sing New York, New York?

That's brilliant.

It's in the movie--done.

[upbeat electronic music]

Whoa, whoa, you saidthat nothing was final.

That was before I heardthe words "brainy" and "gremlin"

in the same sentence together.

It's done.I love it.

It's in the movie.Next.

What abouta, uh, spider gremlin?

You mean a gremlinwith eight legs and a thorax,

just catching pretty ladiesin a web in an office building?

Oh, my God,it's in the movie.

I love it!

Next!

- What about a bat gremlin?- [gasps]

You mean a gremlinwith leathery wings,

just flying around,flip-flopping,

bust through a wall,

make a perfect bat symbolin the wall,

get outside,get in some wet concrete,

jump up on a building,and just dry in place

like a gargoyle gremlin?

We are cookingwith gas now.

I love it.It's in the movie.

Next.

Could there bea female gremlin?

Just lipstick, boobies.

Bitch, you had me at"little gremlin va-jay-jay."

I love it so muchthat it's not only in the movie,

but it's definitelyin the movie.

There's no backsies on that one.No penny taxies.

Yes, yes, yes!

In the movie, done!

That's why need a womanin the writers' room.

Next.

I don't know.

A googly-eyed gremlin?

But you do know,

because you're talkingabout a gremlin

whose sole purpose in this film

is just that he looksstupid as fuck.

Yes, it can bein the movie,

and it is in the movie.

Done. Next.

What about you, silver fox?

Um, electricity gremlin?

You just said nounand "gremlin,"

like you're playingMad Libs.

You just like a child.

You have the brainof a child.

You do not havea high IQ,

but you haphazardlycame up with a gremlin

that's just made out of bolts

that is zigzaggingall over the room,

and it's donecompletely in animation.

You a crazy person,

and your idea'sin the movie!

Done. Next.

Can we putthe Hulkster in it?

What?

You talking aboutputting Hulk Hogan,

professional wrestlerturned actor

turned cultural icon

in the movie,

where he break the fourth wallof the movie he's in

by talking to the audience.

You, sir...

are a raging psychopath.

Don't let this towntake that away from you.

That's it.I don't even care anymore.

We got the Hulksterin this bitch,

so it's done.

I don't haveany more time,

so let me just recapright now.

It's brainy gremlin,spider gremlin,

bat gremlin, lady gremlin,googly-eyed gremlin,

electricity gremlin,

Hulk Hogan'sgonna be in the picture.

I'm gonna throw ina gremlin myself.

Vegetable gremlin!Just write it up.

- I'm having so much fun.- Why not?

Thank you, it's all gonnabe in the actual film.

Now I got to goput some cowboys

in Back to the Future III.

Sayonara, y'all.

Ooh!

[applause]

Now, okay,you guys know

that none of that is gonnabe in the actual movie.

[upbeat electronic music]

Morning.

- Ron.- Good morning, Mr. Sheltie.

How's the fam?

Oh, I don't--I don't have--I'm single, sir.

I'm not married.I mean, I do have a girlfriend.

That's great.

[coughs]Oh, God!

[slaps hands]

Hey, I need youto do me a favor.

Make sure everybody knows

that the bagels arefor sales associates only.

No problem, sir.

All right, let's getthis sales presentation started.

[laughs nervously]

All right, who's hungover?

[laughter]Not me.

I know Ron is.

That's not true.

You're an alcoholic.

[laughter]

I'm not, sir, I'm not.

Hey, guys,sales associates, friends.

Today I want to talk about...

the world's oldest profession.

[laughs]Now hold on, hold on!

I know, I knowwhat you're thinking, right?

Sex and prostitutes.

That's notwhat I'm talking about.

Okay?

I'm talking about sales.

And if you look at ourancient history as human beings,

the first caveman out there...

[ominous music]

Oh, I'm sorry, those arefor sales associates only.

It's food.

N-not for you,I'm sorry.

Bagels are justfor sales associates.

For sale?

No, it's free.

Oh, for free?

Not--not for you, though.

It's just for me?

No, the--

To divide ourselves...

The bagels areonly for sales associates.

Ron.

Love the enthusiasm,

but it's a little distracting.

[laughter]

I'm sorry.I'm sorry, sir.

Oh, don't do it again, please.

Sorry.

(Sheltie)Moving on...

For me maybe?

No, not--not maybe.

I'm sorry,I'm so sorry.

Foss?

Foss--what?

For us?

For us?No, no, not for us.

One, just one.

It's just that they'refor sales associates only.

For me maybe?

- Forget--- Okay, Ron!

Yep.

Just shut up.[chuckles]

All right, what wasthe first tongue twister

you remember hearing?

Was it "she shells"--[laughs]

- Sir, no, sir.- Was it--was it "she sells"--

Cream cheese is alsoonly for sales associates.

How comeit's not for me, why?

Because the bagelsare for sales--

- Ron.- Yes.

Time and place, man.

I'm sorry, this guyjust keeps trying

to grab a bagel, and--

Ron, do you wantto come up here

and do the presentation?

I'll go back thereand be a jackass?

You just asked me to make surethat nobody but--

"Oh, the sign says--my name's Ron.

I like to drink alcoholand listen to signs all day."

He's really relentlessabout having a bagel.

- And I tol--- Ron, handle your bagels!

I'm trying.

Unbelievable, everybody.

All right, I'll just--I'll start cold.

Cells make up our bodies,

but selling makes our bodiescome alive.

[sniffing]

(Ron)Sir, seriously, stop.

Not even smell?

No, no, no!

You can't have any bagels!

You can't have any cream cheese!

And you can't have smells!

That's whatthe fucking sign says!

- Ron!- Yes!

You are fired, sir!

Of course I am!

[sighs]All right, you know what?

Just give me a minute.

I'm gonna try to forgetRon ruined my day,

'cause this presentationis great,

and it's going great.

I'm gonna get a bagel.

These bagels...

Bagels arefor sales associates.

He's right, Ron.

Hey, yo, no matter what, dawg,don't snitch.

Okay, I ain'tsaying nothing, dude.

You know me.

I'd diebefore I turn snitch.

You tell them nothing,they got nothing.

Yeah.

You thinkJ-Rock talking?

Hell no, dawg.

J-Rock is my cousin.

That man would never snitch.

(J-Rock)All right,so just chill out here?

Cool.

Hey, bring that ice whenyou get that chance, Dwight.

All right, man.

[laughs]

You the man, Dwight.

[laughs]

Sss...bitch-ass cop.

What up, J-Rock?

They hurt youup in there?

What you mean,"hurt you"?

Look like he just got backfrom the fucking snack shop.

What you sayto them, man?

[suspenseful music]

Nothing.

You lying piece of sh--

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

This is my manright here, a'ight?

My brother.

This man ain't neversnitch on nobody, never.

Whatever.

Now, look...

We in this together,right, hmm?

Nobody says nothing, right?

- Right.- Right.

- Right.- Right.

Nobody gonna say nothing

about how Big Earlshot up that liquor store.

No, no, no.

It wasn't Big Earl.

What the hellare you talking about?

It wasn't?

Hell no.

Buckshot's the onethat held up that liquor store.

Buckshot.

[muttering]

Now where's he going?

I don't know,maybe he's going

to the bathroomor some shit.

Man, he's going in thereto snitch on us.

No, no, listen,let me tell you something.

That's my boy right there.

We grew up together.

That is a stand-up G.

That manwould never snitch.

Pizza time!

Pizza time, pizza time.

Everybody lovepizza time.

♪ Wake up in the morning,it's pizza time ♪

♪ Go ahead and eat it,it's pizza time ♪

♪ Pizza, pizza,p-pizza time ♪

Motherfucking pig-ass cop,man.

- Oh, no.- Hold on, hold on.

- Snitch--- Hold on, hold on.

Now, J-Rock, um...

where'd you get the pizza?

Yeah.

Back there.

I--I--

I bought it.

You know what,listen to me.

This ain't no fucking game,okay?

If I find outyou done snitched on us,

I'm gonna bust a cap

in your tinypizza-breath ass,

and then I'm gonna bury youin my mother's basement

with the restof the snitches.

- [muttering]- What?

No, what'd he say?What'd he say?

Where you going?Where you going?

Where you going now?Where you g--

Oh, see, see?

See, look, look.

Look, he's selling me outright now.

No, no, no, he's saying

that "I would neversell out that man."

What?

I'm telling you.

All right, let's go.

- Let's go, come on.- Oh, hell, man.

See, what'd I tell you,Rockwell, huh?

What I tell you?

You snitch-ass--

♪ Roll with me,roll with me ♪

♪ Let the night unfold

[horn beeps]

- What the--- ♪ With me