Amy Schumer & Aziz Ansari

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 02/19/2013

Anthony explores the funny side of cancer and the best part of being pope; Amy Schumer and Aziz Ansari go Latino.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I GUESS WE'RE JUST LUCKY.

EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING

ABOUT AMERICA'S SWEETHEART,CHRISTOPHER DORNER.

YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH, I LOVE THAT GUY.

POLICE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO STOPDORNER'S RAMPAGE LAST WEEK

AFTER THEY CORNERED HIMIN A CABIN IN BIG BEAR.

YEAH. IRONICALLY, COPS WEREALREADY IN THE AREA

SHOOTING UP A CABINFULL OF ASIAN WOMEN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

YEAH.YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S SOME MORE BIG NEWS.

POPE BENEDICTANNOUNCED HE'S STEPPING DOWN

AT THE END OF THE MONTH,YEAH.

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'LLMISS MOST ABOUT BEING POPE,

BENEDICT REPLIED,"THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.

"I LOVE THE HATS.

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO WITHKEEPING CONDOMS OUT OF AFRICA."

I MEAN, WELL, YOU GUYSHAVE HEARD OF AIDS, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS

AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE.

NORTH KOREA PISSED OFFTHE ENTIRE WORLD LAST WEEK

BUY TESTINGYET ANOTHER NUCLEAR BOMB.

THIS BRINGS NORTH KOREAONE STEP CLOSER

TO A FULL SCALE NUCLEAR BOMB

THAT WE WILL DROPON NORTH KOREA.

YEAH.YEAH.

YEAH.

NOW THIS IS KIND OF TRAGIC.

MARK BALELO, ONE OF THE STARSOF A&E'S STORAGE WARS

COMMITTED SUICIDE LAST WEEKBY LEAVING HIS CAR RUNNING

WITH THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSED.

AND WHEN POLICE OPENEDTHE GARAGE THEY FOUND--

WELL, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WATCHTHIS WEEK'S STORAGE WARS.

THE PANEL THAT'S JUST LIKE CHELSEA LATELY ONLY BETTER.

BECAUSE ARE YOU[bleep] KIDDING ME?

PLEASE WELCOMEFROM NBC'S PARKS AND REC,

THE INCREDIBLY FAMOUSAZIZ ANSARI.

AND FROM HER RECENTCOMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL,

MOSTLY SEX STUFF,MY FAVORITE, AMY SCHUMER.

- RIGHT? RIGHT?- YEAH.

- THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR BEING HERE, GUYS.

AZIZ, I JUST READA GREAT INTERVIEW WITH YOU.

YOU HAD ONE OF MYFAVORITE QUOTES EVER

I WANNA ASK YOU ABOUT.

"I COULD DO A TED TALKON DICK PHOTOS

AFTER ALL THE RESEARCHI'VE DONE."

- IT'S--IT'S TRUE.

I-I--UH, ON MY LAST TOURI HAD A BIT ABOUT DICK PHOTOS

AND I WOULD DO A SURVEY--LIKE,I'LL DO IT HERE.

CLAP--CLAP IF YOU'RE A WOMANIN THE AUDIENCE.

[cheers and applause]

- THAT'S A GREAT SURVEY.- YEAH.

- NOW CLAP IF A GUY HASSENT YOU A DICK PHOTO BEFORE.

[cheers and applause]

ISN'T THAT WAY HIGHERTHAN YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE?

IT'S THAT HIGH EVERYWHERE.

I THOUGHT IT'D BE, LIKE, 30%.

IT'S, LIKE, 70%...- YEAH.

- EVERYWHERE.

- NOW CLAP IF IT WAS AZIZTHAT SENT YOU THE PHOTO.

[louder cheers and applause]

- WOW.

- NOW LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT

WITH THE BEST WORST THINGOF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

LAST WEEK THERE WAS A MANIAC COPLOOSE IN LOS ANGELES.

ACTUALLY,THERE ARE STILL THOUSANDS.

BUT ONLY CHRISTOPHER DORNERWAS CRAZY ENOUGH

TO RELEASE A RAMBLING MANIFESTO.

AND LIKE MOST MANIFESTOS,

HIS BIGGEST VENDETTAWAS AGAINST THE COMMA.

- [chuckles]

- DID YOU GUYSREAD THE MANIFESTO?

- I DID.DID YOU CHECK IT OUT?

IT'S, LIKE, THE LONGEST THINGI'VE EVER READ IN MY LIFE.

- YEAH, IT WAS, LIKE, A--IT WAS,LIKE, A PAGE, PAGE AND 1/2.

- YEAH.YEAH.

- NO.- [laughs]

- OH, SORRY, MENSA MEMBERSIN THE AUDIENCE TODAY.

- I WONDER IF HE, LIKE,SHOWED IT TO SOME FRIENDS BEFORE

AND HE WAS LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?

"DO YOU THINK THERE'SANY PARTS I COULD LOSE?

"DO YOU THINKIT'S TOO LONG RIGHT NOW?

DO YOU HAVE ANY EDITS?"

- THE WERE LIKE,"NO, MAN, IT'S GOOD.

IT'S ALL GOOD."

- I GOTTA SAY,OTHER THAN THE MURDERING,

AND ALL THAT STUFF,AND THE STUFF UP TOP,

WHEN HE GETS TO, LIKE,THE TV SHOWS AND STUFF,

I'M KINDA LIKE, HE DOESN'TSEEM LIKE A BAD DUDE.

I DON'T KNOW.- YEAH.

- YEAH.

- I UNDERSTAND IT, LIKE,WE'VE ALL HAD A COP FANTASY.

- WELCOME BACK, KIDS.

IS THAT PANEL IN YOUR PANT ORARE YOU JUST PANEL TO SEE ME?

IT'S TIME FOR MORE PANEL.

LET'S CONTINUE WITH"THE JON BENET RAMSEY

MEMORIAL PARENTING SEGMENT."

WHERE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE,BUT PARENTS ARE THE STARS.

"MOM, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING MEIN FRONT OF THE ARYAN NATION."

A 58-YEAR-OLD WOMANIS UNDER ARREST

FOR PASSING HER SON OXYCODONEIN PRISON

VIA AN OPEN-MOUTH KISS.

- OH, NO!

- OOF.

- THEY REALLY DOLOOK A LOT ALIKE.

- I KNOW.

AS A RESULT, THE PRISONERLOST CONJUGAL VISITS

WITH HIS MOTHER.

- LOOKS LIKE THEY TOOK THE PHOTORIGHT AFTER THEY DID IT.

LIKE, THE FACE--- [laughs]

- "COME OVER HERE.LET'S SNAP A PHOTO."

- A LITTLE GUILTY.

- LIKE, IF YOU JUST SHOWED METHOSE PHOTOS

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT DID THOSE PEOPLE DO?"

I'D BE LIKE,IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE

THE WOMAN JUST MADE OUTWITH HER SON

AND PASSED HIM OXYCODONE MAYBE.- MM-HMM.

AND, YOU KNOW WHAT,THIS MAKES ME MAD.

MY MOM NEVER PUT OUT.- NO.

- NOT EVEN ONCE.

- AND NOW IT'S TIMEFOR "LATINO VOICES."

[inspiring music]

[guttural voice]AMY!

- OH.

- HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHINGSEASON TWO OF GIRLS?

- THIS IS THE WORST.

THIS IS THE WORST.

- WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THE SEASON SO FAR?

AND WHERE DO YOU SEE HANNAHGOING IN THE NEXT FEW EPISODES?

- [imitating Latino accent]OKAY, SO, LIKE,

I REALLY ENJOY SEASON ONE.

BUT I THOUGHTBRIAN WILLIAMS' DAUGHTER

SEEMED LIKE A BITCH, BUT ITTURNS OUT SHE'S NOT SO BAD.

I DON'T KNOW.WHAT DO YOU--

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SHE SEEMS OKAY.

- AZIZ?

CAN YOU GIVE ME DIRECTIONSTO THE AIRPORT FROM HERE?

- [imitating Latino accent]I WOULD JUST GO STRAIGHT

DOWN LA CIENEGA.

ALL THE WAY DOWN AS LONG ASTHERE'S NOT A LOT OF TRAFFIC.

THERE'S A NICEIN-N-OUT RIGHT NEAR LAX.

- AND THATWAS "LATINO VOICES."

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