Tuesday, September 29, 2015

  • 09/29/2015

James Davis, David Krumholtz and Lauren Lapkus spread rumors about the iPhone 8, pitch ideas for #HipHopCartoons and ask the dumbest questions they can think of.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> Chris: TINDER HAS SENT ACEASE AND DESIST LETTER TO

THE AIDS HEALTH CARE FOUNDATIONOVER A BILLBOARD THEY PUT UP.

THIS IMPLIES THE APP INCREASESYOUR CHANCES OF

GETTING CHLAMYDIA.

>> THAT AND NOSE-TO-NOSE KISSES.

>> I THINK TINDER GETS A BADWRAP HERE. I'VE GOT IT OPEN

ON MY TABLET RIGHT NOW. LET'SLOOK AT SOME TYPICAL TINDER

USERS, WHY DON'T WE? FIRST ONE:

NO WAY THIS GUY HAS A FILTHYPENIS.

NO WAY.

AND HOW ABOUT THIS GUY?

COME ON, THIS GUY IS CLEAN AS AWHOLE FOODS TOILET RIGHT THERE.

AND NEXT ONE: OH, NO WEIRDDISCHARGE COMING OUT OF THIS

GUY.

>> OH! IT'S A MATCH!

I KNOW WHO'S GONNA BE PUTIN ITIN ME LATER.

>> I KNOW, I AM SORRY.

COMEDIANS LET'S TAKE SOME OF THEHEAT OFF OF TINDER.

WHAT ARE SOME DISEASES YOU CANGET FROM OTHER POPULAR DOLLAR

WEBSITES?

>> LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> ETSY GIVES YOU GLITTERRASHES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BUT THEY'RE SO ADORBS.

MR. KRUMHOLTZ.

>> MY IMDB PAGE GIVES ME A BADCASE OF BITTERNESS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

VERY SPECIFIC. IT'S VERYTARGETED.

>> CAN'T BREAK 1000.

>> JAMES DAVIS.>> ASHLEY MADISON.COM WILL CAUSE

YOUR DAD TO MOVE INTO A VERYTINY, SAD CONDO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YES, IT WILL. YUP.

PERFECT.

MOVING ON, THE IPHONE 6S CAMEOUT THIS WEEK AND THE IPHONE

7 RUMORS ARE ALREADY FLYING:IS IT WATERPROOF? IS IT LIGHTER?

CAN IT CURE OUR COLLCTIVE SENSEOF EMPTINESS AND DREAD? WILL

IT COME IN BLUE? WILL ITMAKE YOU FORGET THAT STEVE JOBS

WAS A TERRIBLE FATHER? WHOKNOWS? FORGET IPHONE 7.

IT'S ALREADY OBSOLETE.COMEDIANS, LET'S GET AHEAD OF

THE CURVE AND COME UP WITH SOMEPREDICTIONS FOR THE IPHONE 8.

>> LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> IT'S A LANDLINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]FINALLY, FINALLY.

DAVID KRUMHOLTZ.

>> IT SHOCKS YOU IF YOU POST APICTURE OF AN UGLY BABY.

>> Chris: A LOT OF PEOPLE AREGOING TO BE SERIOUSLY (BLEEP)ED

ON THAT ONE.

POINTS.

JAMES DAVIS.

>> THIS IS SOME NEW-NEW, BUTTHEY'RE ACTUALLY SUBSTITUTING

SIRI'S VOICE FOR ANOUT-OF-BREATH STEVE HARVEY.

>> Chris: OH THAT'SFANTASTIC. PERFECT.

POINTS.

SIRI, I AM TRYING TO FIND A GASSTATION.

[PANTING]

>> TWO BLOCKS!

>> I WILL GIVE YOU 100 EXTRAPOINTS FOR THE STEVE HARVEY.

IT'S NOW TIME

FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NICKELODEON,

A FANTASTIC CHANNEL WHOM I WORKFOR ON "SANJAY AND CRAIG," HAS

CAVED TO BIG NOSTALGIA AND ISLAUNCHING AN ALL 90s BLOCK OF

PROGRAMMING. THIS IS CALLED THESPLAT, THOUGH TO EXCITED

90s KIDS, IT'S THE SPLOOSH.

BUT OLD SHOWS STILL NEED SOMEMODERN COOL POINTS SO TO INSPIRE

NICKELODEON, TONIGHT'S HASHTAGIS #HIPHOPCARTOONS.

#HIPHOPCARTOONS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: EXAMPLES MIGHT BE

"THUG RATS" OR "SLICK RICK ANDMORTY" OR THE "POWERPUFF PUFF

PASS GIRLS."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> YES, JAMES DAVIS.

>> G.I. FAT JOE.

>> Chris: POINTS. LAURENLAPKUS.

>> REN AND PIMPY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. JAMESDAVIS.

>> DARKWING DUCK, THEY SHOOTIN'.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> LIL KIMPOSSIBLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID KRUMHOLTZ.

>> THUNDERCATS, HO.

>> Chris: JAMES DAVIS.

>> NOTORIOUS F.A.T. ALBERT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL, HE DEFINITELY IS NOW.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONEUNLESS YOU GOT JETSONS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT WAS VERY WELL DONE.

JAMES DAVIS.

>> MULTIPLE FAMILIES GUY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS! DAVIDKRUMHOLTZ.

>> MICKEY MOUSE UP IN THECLUBHOUSE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JAMES DAVIS.

>> TUPAC THE FRIENDLY GHOST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> THOMAS THE DANK ENGINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY POWER POINTLESS: VIDEO EDITION.

IF YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR

UPCOMING POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONA LITTLE JUICE, JUST ADD SOME

STOCK VIDEO. WORKS EVERY TIME.

IT'S GOT THE OTHERWORLDLYCREEPINESS OF STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY

BUT IT MOVES, JUST LIKE A "HARRYPOTTER" NEWSPAPER.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU AN INEXPLICABLE OF STOCK

VIDEO FOR SALE ON THEINTERNET,

AND FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOUTO GIVE ME THE NAME OF THE

PRESENTATION.

ALL RIGHT? FIRST UP, LOOK ATTHIS ASSHOLE.

>> YES.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> C.E.OHHH YOU'RE SO CUTE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS FUN FELLA.

>> AH.

>> AH.

I AM GUESSING, LIKE THE FIRSTONE, ALSO WEARS A DIAPER

FROM TIME TO TIME. DAVIDKRUMHOLTZ.

>> THE SIMPLE JOYS OF THELAUGHING ORGASM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES DAVIS.

>> THE LIGHTER SIDE OF HUMANTRAFFICKING.

>> Chris: YES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]POINTS.

KIND OF A MAD MAGAZINE REFERENCETOO.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> SO YOU WANT TO BE THE MOST[BLEEP]ABLE MAN OF ALL TIME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I WAS ABLE TO SCRUB BLOOD OUT OFSHEETS.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

THESE POST-COITALS, THESEPOST-COITALS.

WHAT'S THAT?

>> LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> HOW TO BAIL ON A THREESOME.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

>> Chris: DAVE.

>> HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBANDINSIDE AN IKEA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE EXACT RIGHTMOMENT TO CREEP OUT

OF THE FLURFNUUG.

>> NEXT ONE, THESE TWINSIES,THESE TWINSIES.

JAMES.

>> HOW TO GET A BONERIMMEDIATELY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

DAVE.

>> WE ARE ONLY 26 YEARS OLD ANDWE JUST SWITCHED FROM METH TO

CIGARETTES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> YOU SHOULD SEE WHERE THESMOKE COMES OUT OF.

>> Chris: YEAH.

POINTS. NEXT ONE.

THESE BROS.

YES, LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> HOW TO TURN WOMEN GAY.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS. DAVE.

>> DANCE OFF YOUR MAN BOOBS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

FINALLY, FINALLY A PROGRAM.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: AND THEN FINALLY

THESE OFFICE MATES.

>> YES, DAVE.

>> WHITE LIVES MATTER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BEFORE THE BREAK, I ASKED YOU TOGIVE ME THE TOAST GOING ON

BETWEEN OBAMA AND PUTIN HERE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GUYS CAME UPWITH.

DAVID LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> WHEN YOU MAKE MOVIE OF THISMEETING, PLEASE CAST YOUR FINEST

HETEROSEXUAL ACTOR TO PLAYME. FOR EXAMPLE, KEVIN SPACEY,

JOHN TRAVOLTA OR NEIL PATRICKHARRIS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: JAMES DAVIS.

>> HERE'S TO DONALD TRUMP WHOMAKES ME LOOK LIKE A SANE,

REASONABLE WORLD LEADER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

WELL DONE.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE ATOAST TO PUTIN, THE MAN WHO

MAKES ME WANT TO EAT THIS GLASSLIKE A CORN DOG.

THAT'S MY OBAMA.

>> Chris: THAT'S YOUR OBAMA?

>> YEAH.

IN CASE THAT WASN'T CLEAR.

>> I GOTTA SAY, FOR A SECOND ITWAS LIKE OBAMA WAS STANDING

RIGHT THERE.

>> SEE, I KNOW.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, ASK A STUPID QUESTION.

ASK A STUPID QUESTION.

I KNOW, I ALWAYS SAY IT TWICE. ICAN'T HELP IT. I ALWAYS SAY IT

TWICE. AND I SAID THAT TWICE,NOW THREE TIMES.

THEY SAY THERE ARE NO STUPIDQUESTIONS BUT IF YOU'VE EVER

VISITED YAHOO ANSWERS YOU KNOWTHAT IS A COMPLETE LIE.

THIS IS A DUSTY WASTELAND WHEREPEOPLE ASK THINGS LIKE, "DO

MIDGETS HAVE NIGHT VISION?"OKAY.

FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S ADEROGATORY TERM.

SECOND OF ALL, YES, YES.

THEY USE IT TO HUNT.

WELL, TOMORROW HAPPENS TO BE ATEACHER-CREATED HOLIDAY CALLED

ASK A STUPID QUESTION DAY.

SO COMEDIANS I WANT LIKE TO HEARTHE MOST IDIOTIC INQUIRIES YOU

CAN THINK OF IN 60 SECONDS ANDBEGIN.

>> DAVID.

>> WHY DOES MASTURBATING TASTESO GOOD?

>> BECAUSE I EAT A LOT OFPINEAPPLE IN MY DIET.

>> IF OPRAH IS ON THE COVER OFEVERY OPRAH MAGAZINE, WHO'S

INSIDE?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WHEN I'M WATCHING A MOVIE CANTHE ACTORS SEE ME?

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS. DAVID.

>> CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> HOW TALL AM I?

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> WHAT IS A BLAKE LIVELY?

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES.

>> WHICH MEMBER OF N.W.A HAD THEMOST AIDS?

>> Chris: OH, MAN.

EVERYONE! IT IS OKAY! HE'SBLACK! POINTS.

DAVID KRUMHOLTZ.

>> WILL I REALLY GAIN WEIGHT IFI EAT MY OWN (BLEEP)?

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT IS AN INTERESTINGPHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION.

YOU'VE ALREADY PROCESSEDEVERYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW.

JAMES.

>> HOW MANY IN THE STINK AGAIN?

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAUREN.

>> WHAT ARE DEEZ NUTS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

PERFECT.