Monday, April 13, 2015

  • 04/13/2015

Arden Myrin, Guy Branum and Mike Lawrence make up spoilers for the new "Terminator" sequel, list #CollegeMovies and come up with job skills for questionable LinkedIn users.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S OFFICIAL, PRESIDENTIN'SEASON IS UNDER WAY.

HILLARY CLINTON RELEASED AVIDEO ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA

TO ANNOUNCE SHE IS RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT AGAIN.

JUST LIKE THE LAST TIME HILLARYRAN, NO ONE WAS MORE

EXCITED THAN ANYONE WITHACCESS TO THEIR

NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCHGROUP'S CAMERA EQUIP AM.

I PRESENT TO YOU THIS 2007OFFERING TO THEIR PANT SUITED

GODESS -- WATCH.

♪ ♪

>> IT'S LIKE THEY TOOK THEJACKSON 5 AND SUCKED ALL THE

BLACK OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: YOU MAY NOT REMEMBERTHIS FUN VIDEO IF YOUR MOM

DIDN'T FORCE YOU TO BE IN IT,BUT WITH HILLARY'S BIG

ANNOUNCEMENT, IT LOOKS LIKE THESUPER-SWEET JAM BAND IS GETTING

BACK TOGETHER.

COMEIDANS, WHAT SHOULD THIS BANDBE CALLED.

GUY.

>> MOMFORD AND SONS.

>> CHRIS: YES, A HUNDRED POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> SMASHMILF.

>> CHRIS: OH, THAT'S SO GOOD.

POINTS.

THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW"TERMINATOR" MOVIE, "TERMINATOR

SUPER NINTENDO" -- I MEAN,GENISYS, DROPPED TODAY, AND IT

IS BRAZENLY -- GENISYS WITH A'Y' -- IT FLIES IN THE FACE

OF THE INERNET'S NEED TOKEEPTHEIR WORLD SPOILER-FREE,

AND WHIPS WITHOUT A BIG MEATYTHROBBING TWIST.

HERE IS THE TRAILER FEATURESJASON CLARK AS JOHN CONNER.

>> JOHN?

>> HI, MOM.

>> HOW CAN YOU BE HERE?

>> WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO MYSON?

>> CHRIS: JOHN CONNER'S THETERMINATOR?

AND THEY JUST-- THEY'RE JUSTTELLING US THAT RIGHT AT

THE TOP?

IT TAKES SOME SCHWARZENEGGER-SIZE BALLS TO REVEAL THAT IN THE

TRAILER.

COMEDIANS, IN YOUR BEST SNL-READY SCHWARZENEGGER VOICE,

PLEASE TELL US SOMETHING ELSEABOUT THE NEW MOVIE --

BUT FIRST, SOME VOCAL WARMUPS.

(CHRIS AND COMEDIANS GRUNTING)

>> YOU'RE SO FUNNY, SINBAD.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, GREAT, ARDEN.

>> LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER, IAM ALSO THE FATHER OF THREE

CHILDREN OF MY MAID AND THREECHILDREN IN AUSTRIA.

BASICALLY WHEREVER I GO THEREARE CHILDREN.

AND I JUST GOT YOU PREGNANTBECAUSE I AM MAKING BABIES

LIKE A SPERMINATOR, INSEMINSTOR,SPERMANATOR,

>> CHRIS: OKAY, YES.

I MEAN -- THAT DESERVES POINTS.

THAT WAS-- I ADMIRE THECOMMITMENT.

I ADMIRE THAT THAT RAN THREETIMES LONGER THAN IT SHOULD

HAVE.

LIKE SO MANY THINGS ABOUT ITWAS FANTASTIC.

>> NOT KNOWING WHEN TO STOPIS THE ARNOLD WAY.

>> CHRIS: IT IS.

GUY BRANUM.

>> EVERYBODY GETS A TERMINATOR.

YOU GET A TERMINATOR.

YOU GET A TERMINATOR!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS FOR YOUR SWARTZEN-OPRAH.

BREAKUPS, GUYS, ARE NEVER EASY,ESPECIALLY WHEN INFIDELITY

IS INVOLVED -- IT SUCKS.

WHO WANTS TO BE CHEATED ON?

IT'S THE WORST.

BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREETHE ONLY THING WORSE THAN

YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CHEATINGON YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE IS

HAVING THEM CHEAT ON YOU WITHEVERY MEMBER OF THE WORLD'S MOST

IN THE ORUOUS HIP-HOPCOLLECTIVE.

BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT ONEMAN ACCUSED HIS EX-LOVER OF

DOING ON A RECENT EPISODE OFDIVORCE COURT.

>> THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS,BUT HE ACCUSED ME OF

SLEEPING WITH THE ENTIRE WU-TANGCLAN.

>> SHE DID.

>> HOW MANY WAS IT.

>> IT WAS --

>> SHE GAVE WU SOME TANG.

>> I DID NOT.

>> CHRIS: HOW DID HE COME TO THECONCLUSION THAT SHE SLEPT

WITH TO THE JUST ONE BUT THEENTIRE WU-TANG CLAN.

WAS HE LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU ISLET WITH THE RZA, GZA, MASTA

KILLAH, INSPECA DECK,RAEKWON, GHOSTFACE KILLAH,

RED MAN, METHOD MAN,CAPPADONNA."

HE WASN'T EVEN MADE OFFICIALMEMBER OF THE GROUP UNTIL 8

DIAGRAMS WERE RELEASED.

>> I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUTRAP, BUT I ALWYS THOUGHT THAT

WU-TANG CLAN WAS NOTHING TO[BLEEP] WITH.

>> CHRIS: I MEAN, I GUESS THEYDIDN'T TELL THESE PEOPLE THAT.

LET'S JUST ASSUME FOR COMEDY'SSAKE THAT THESE ALLEGATIONS ARE

TRUE.

I WOULD LIKE YOU ENTER THEJUDGE'S 36 CHAMBERS AND TELL ME

WHAT THE NAME OF WU-TANG'SLAWYERS IS.

ARDEN MYREN.

>> OLD DIRTY DERSHOWITZ.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

THIS IS THE TIME OF YEARCOLLEGES SEND OUT THEIR

LETTERS OF ACCEPTANCE ANREJECTION.

AND THIS YEAR 17-YEAR-OLDHAROLD EKEH WAS ADMITTED TO

ALL EIGHT IVY LEAGUESCHOOLSING I'M ASSUMING

INCLUDING DEVRY.

NOW EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T ASSMART AS EKEH I WOULD STILL

LIKE YOU TO PARTICIPATE INTHE HASHTAG WARS,

#COLLEGEMOVIES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, DUKEWHOSE'S TALKING.

OR NO COUNTRY FOR OLE MISS.

OR IVY LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARYGENTLEMEN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECOND ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

YES, MIKE.

>> THIS IS 40,000 DOLLARS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> 12 YEARS OFCOMMUNICATIONS MAJOR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> SARAH LAWRENCE OF ARABIYA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> MILLION WAYS TO DEVRY INTHE WEST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> FRATMAN AND ROBIN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> PHILADELPHIA, BUT IT'SABOUT FINANCIAL AIDS.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S SO BRILLIANT.

GOD DAMNIT, GUY. POINTS.

MIKE.

>> DEBT BECOMES HER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> FRESHMAN FIFTEENWOLF.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> KEG-STAND AND DELIVER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> THE CAL STATE DOMINGUEZ HILLSHAVE EYES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> THE MASTER-BATING WHILEYOUR ROOMMATE IS IN PSYCH

CLASS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS!

BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYLINKEDIN JOB FAIR.

LINKEDIN JOB FAIR.

>> REALLY QUICKLY -- 20 GRAND ISA LOT TO PAY PORE BALL HEAD.

>> CHRIS: HOW MUCH SHOULD WE PAYFOR IT, GUY?

>> 150, 200.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF ITDOESN'T WORK OUT WITH THE

STATUE YOU WILL HAVE TO TELLME WHERE TO GO.

>> OKAY, JUST AROUND THECORNER.

>> CHRIS: WHAT! >> IT SURE IS.

>> CHRIS: LINKEDIN IS A SOCIALNETWORKING SITE RESPONSIBLE FOR

APPROXIMATELY 10 MILLIONSPAM E-MAILS SENT SOMEWHERE

BETWEEN 0 AND NO JOBS.

-- I KNOW, I'M JUST KIDDING.

DON'T GET MAD AT MELINKEDIN.

THEY'RE GOING TO PUT ME ONEVERY [BLEEP] E-MAIL LIST

THAT THEY HAVE.

TO BE FAIR, SOMETIMES JOBHUNTERS WILL SABOTAGE

THEMSELVES WITH PROFILEPICTURES THAT LOOK MORE LIKE

MUG SHOTS THAN EMPLOYEE OF THEMONTH PLAQUES.

WE WILL SHOW YOU AQUESTIONABLE PHOTO FROM A

LINKEDIN JOB-SEEKER AND YOUTELL US WHAT YOU THINK THEIR

SPECIAL SKILLS ARE.

FIRST ONE, WHAT SKILLS DOESTHIS SLEIGHT OF HAND ARTIST

HAVE? GUY.

>> CLOSE MAGIC: THE GATHERING.

>> CHRIS: HA, HA. YES. POINTS.

>> IS THIS YOUR BLOOD, BRAVEELF?

>> CHRIS: I THINK YOU KNOW ITIS.

MIKE?

>> BEING YOUR NEWSTEP-DAD-BRA-CADABRA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I SPINOGGLED ALL OVER MYCARDS.

NEXT ONE, THIS BLOND BOMBSHELL.

WHAT ARE HER SPECIAL SKILLS?

KIMBERLIE KUPPS, COME ON.

MIKE.

>> I DON'T KNOW BUT THE GUYSDOWN AT THE DOCKS CALL HER

THE CONTAINER STORE.

>> CHRIS: OH, JESUS.

I GUESS I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

GUY.

>>THAT'S OFFENSIVE.

THAT IS A VERY CAPABLEWOMAN AN YOU'RE NOT SEEING

HER BECAUSE OF THAT.

THAT WOMAN HAS AN MBA.

A MASSIVE BREAST AUGMENTATION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> SHE IS ACTUALLY ALSO VERYGOOD AT SEEING HER FEET WITH

AN INTRICATE SYSTEM OF MIRRORSAND PULLEYS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS CUT FELLA.

WHAT ARE HIS SPECIAL SKILLS.

GUY.

>> I THINK HIS SPECIAL SKILLIS BEING MY BOYFRIEND.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

WELL, HE'S LOCATED IN LOSANGELES, SO I THINK YOU'RE

HIRED.

>> I'LL FIND HIM.

I WILL FIND YOU!

>> CHRIS: ARDEN.

>> HIS SPECIAL SKILL IS HECAN BLOW YOU THROUGH YOUR

JEANS, CHRIS.

AND THAT'S NOT EASY -- THAT'SNOT EASY TO DO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> BUT CAN DO IT.

>> I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHAT CW SHOW HE ISN'T IN?

>> CHRIS: HE'S ON THE NEWSUPERHERO THE GRINDR.

LAST ONE -- LAST ONE.

THIS GODDAMN CLOWN WHAT ARE HISSPECIAL SKILLS.

ARDEN.

>> HE'S EXCELLENT AT LOSINGCUSTODY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THE LEAST INTIMIDATINGPERSON TO EVER HAVE A

TEARDROP TATTOO.

>> IT MEANS I KILLED ANOTHERCLOWN IN PRISON.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS PICTURE OF GUY FIERI

OGGLING A BURGER AND FRIES, IASKED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT HE'S

THINKING.

BRANUM, YOU AN FIERI ARE THE TWOOPPOSITE ENDS OF THE "GUY"

SPECTRUM.

YOU COULD NOT BE MOREOPPOSITE.

>> I MEAN JUST A LITTLE BITOF BLEACH AND A GOATEE,

THINGS COULD HAVE BEENDIFFERENT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEEWHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

MIKE LAWRENCE, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> LOOK AT MY HAIR.

LOOK HOW IT SHINES FOR YOU.

AND IT WAS ALL YELLOW.

>> CHRIS: OH, YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

A VERY COLD PLAY.

GUY BRANUM.

>> AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED ASEXUAL FETISH COULD ALSO BE

A CAREER.

>> CHRIS: ARDEN.

>> I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUITYOU.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S THE BURGER, TO THEBURGER.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, COMPANY DICNIC.

I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S LIKEONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

THAT ARE YOU CHEERING FORSOMETHING AND YOU HAVE NO

IDEA WHAT COMPANY DICNIC IS.

BRING IT ON!

IT'S A DICNIC!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF[BLEEP] JOB YOU HAVE, BUT

ARE YOU GETTING INVITES FORSPRING COOKOUT, BUT REDDIT

USER NO WORRY POSTED ANE-MAIL INVITATION SENT BY

THEIR HR DEPARTMENT.

CLEARLY A WOMAN IN HRGOOGLED GUY IN HAWAIIAN

SHIRT, WHAT SHE ENDED UPWITH WAS THIS --

THE HEDGEHOG, RON JEREMY, IN AHAWAIIAN SHIRT.

THIS PICNIC IS GOING TO BEA SAUSAGEFEST.

YOUR JOB IS TO LIST ASMANY RON JEREMY-SANCTIONED

MENU ITEMS AS POSSIBLE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, GO.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONG.

>> POINTS.

ARDEN.

[BLEEP]STICKERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> HAWAIIAN DONKEY PUNCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> RON JEREMISU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> GAPE JUICE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARDEN.

-- OH MY GOD.

IT'S NOT JUST A PLAY ONWORDS, IT'S A STUNNING

VISUAL.

ARDEN.

>> CALIFORNIA GLORY ROLE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> ANACONDIMENTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> BABY-BACK RIBBED FOR HERPLEASURE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ARDEN.

>> CIRCLE JERK CHICKEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GUY.

>> ROOT BEER SCROTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS,

MIKE.

>> FLAN JEREMY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS!