Colin Quinn & John Mcdowell

  • 02/24/1992

THE WHOLE COMEDY SCENE.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO.

IT'S GOING TO BEVERY EXCITING IN A...

( sighs )

I WISH I WAS JUST ON AJENNY CRAIG DIET OR SOMETHING

BUT FORTUNATELY,I DON'T NEED TO BE--

ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE INLOS ANGELES WHO ISN'T ON A DIET.

I'M JUST TRYING TO STAYTHE SAME WEIGHT I AM RIGHT NOW.

THESE WEIRD DIETS,I DON'T GET IT.

LIKE HIGH PROTEINVERSUS LOW FAT--

IT'S, LIKE, I DON'T CARE,I JUST WANT TO EAT.

GIVE ME LOTS OF GREASYFRIED FOODS, YOU KNOW?

SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T STANDTHESE DIETS-- IT'S INSANE.

AND EVERYBODY SAYSYOU CAN'T EAT CHEESE.

"CHEESE IS, YOU KNOW,BULL...., MAN.

IT'LL GIVE YOU, LIKE, PHLEGM."

OH, PLEASE.

( laughter )

"DAIRY IS BAD FOR YOU."

IT'S LIKE, I'M JEWISH,OF COURSE I WANT MY DAIRY.

I WANT MY CREAMED HERRING,I WANT MY CREAM CHEESE ON BAGEL.

I'M SORRY,I'M NOT GIVING UP DAIRY

SO, YOU KNOW,YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT.

THEY'RE TOO MUCH WITH THAT.

LIKE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

A POUND HERE, A POUND THERE,WHO CARES?

MOST PEOPLE LOOK BETTER FAT--THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.

ESPECIALLY MOST WOMEN.

THEY TORTURE WOMEN WHO ARE FAT,BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THEY LOST WEIGHT,THEY'D LOOK TERRIBLE.

WHO LOST WEIGHT? WHAT'SHER NAME, THE DAYTIME, UM...

OPRAH! IS SHE THIN AGAIN?I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE BOTHERS--IT'S SO EXHAUSTING.

SHE MUST JUST HATE HERSELF

DEALING WITH THOSE DIETSALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW SHE'S HAPPIERWHEN SHE'S FAT

AND WE'RE HAPPIER FOR HERWHEN SHE'S FAT.

SO EAT, OPRAH, AND ENJOY.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUTWHAT ANYBODY THINKS OF YOU.

STEDMAN WILL STAY BY YOUR SIDE,IT DOESN'T MATTER.

STEDMAN.

THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

ALMOST AS BEAUTIFULAS THIS CROWD TONIGHT

OUT HERE IN SANTA MONICA.

IT'S A GREAT CROWD,AND WE LOVE YOU.

( cheering )

WE LOVE YOU AND WE NEED YOUTONIGHT, SO, YOU KNOW

HOW YOU DOING, FOLKS?

EVERYBODY ALL RIGHT TONIGHT?

GOOD.

I REALIZE I LOOK LIKE I SHOULDBE WORKING AT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO

BUT TO HELL WITH IT.

IF I SEEM OUT OF IT TONIGHT

IT'S BECAUSE I'M HOOKED ON PHONICS.

( laughter )

I'M ALSO STONED ON MATHAND GET A BUZZ FROM SPELLING.

ACTUALLY, I FEEL GOOD--I LOST 20 POUNDS RECENTLY

DOING THAT DEAL-A-MEAL PLAN.

NOT THATRICHARD SIMMONS CRAP, NO.

THIS IS WHERE YOUPLAY CARDS, LOSE

AND DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CASHTO EAT ON.

( laughter )

WENT TO VEGAS LAST WEEK,LOST FOUR POUNDS.

ANYWAY, I WAS WATCHING

THAT NEW CANDID CAMERATHE OTHER NIGHT

WITH DOM DeLUISE AS THE HOST.

DON'T YOU THINKTHEY'D WANT A HOST

A LITTLE EASIER TO HIDETHAN THAT FAT BASTARD?

"YEAH, WE KNEW WE WEREON CANDID CAMERA

WE SAW YOUR BIG ASSSTICKING OUT."

ONE OF MY LADY FRIENDS

HER HUSBAND'S EVEN BIGGERTHAN THAT--

A HUMONGOUS GUY,WEIGHS ABOUT 400 POUNDS.

JUST HAD HIS CHOLESTEROLCHECKED-- IT WAS 700.

OVER 200 IS BAD.

CRISCO IS 600.

( laughter )

IF HE DIES, THEY DON'T KNOWWHETHER TO CREMATE HIM

OR TO DEEP-FRY THE GUY.

BUT I'VE BEEN UP HERETWO MINUTES

I KNOW YOU FOLKS ARE GOING, "HOWBIG'S THAT CHIN ON THAT GUY?

LOOKS LIKE DUDLEY DORIGHTCAME TO LIFE OR SOMETHING."

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY DAMN BIG.

IT'S GREAT FOR FOLDING SHEETS.

( laughter )

HELL, I WAS THE PLOW ON THE FAMILY FARM, YOU KNOW.

DOES KIND OF COME IN HANDYFOR SEXUAL PURPOSES.

( laughter and whooping )

IT'S A KICKSTAND OF LOVE.

( laughter and applause )

THANK YOU.

HOPE I DIDN'T VIOLATE ANYTRADEMARKS THERE WITH THAT.

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVEH. ROSS PEROT'S EARS.

I MEAN, I LIKE THE GUY, BUTHE'S WORTH THREE BILLION BUCKS.

LOOKS LIKE HE COULD HAVETHOSE EARS FIXED, YOU KNOW.

MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT WORTH 300

HE HAD THE DOBERMAN'S EARSPINNED BACK.

BUT ANYWAY, TRYING TO STAYIN SHAPE AND WORKING OUT.

DO YOU EXERCISE, SIR?

DO YOU? YOU LIFT WEIGHTS,YOU DO THAT?

RIDE A BIKE.

RIDE A BIKE,THAT'S FINE, HELL.

I WAS OVER AT THE HEALTH SPATODAY LIFTING WEIGHTS.

HOPE I'M NOT INTIMIDATINGYOU PEOPLE.

( laughter )

OH, I COULD CHIN-SLAPTHE CROWD, BUT...

( laughter )

DID YOU GOT TO COLLEGESOMEWHERE, SIR?

YES, ANTELOPEVALLEY COLLEGE.

ANTELOPE VALLEY!

WELL, I THINK WHEN IT'SMENTIONED IN "HOME ON THE RANGE"

YOU KNOWIT'S A DAMN FINE SCHOOL.

( laughter )

NO, I'M KIDDING.

YOU PLAY THE DEER FORHOMECOMING, DON'T YOU, I THINK?

ANYWAY, I WENTTO CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL.

THAT REALLY SUCKS.

NO SCHOOL SPIRIT.

( laughter )

OUR SCHOOL COLOR WAS MANILLA.

( laughter )

NO, I... I WENT TO COLLEGE,BELIEVE IT OR NOT

AND COLLEGE HELPED ME OUT.

WHEN I WAS THERE, I REALLYINCREASED MY KNOWLEDGE

AND MY, UH...WHAT'S THAT WORD?

( laughter )

VOCABULARY.

( laughter )

IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVEA GOOD VOCABULARY.

LIKE IF I'D KNOWNTHE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THE WORDS "ANTIDOTE"AND "ANECDOTE"

ONE OF MY GOOD FRIENDSWOULD STILL BE LIVING.

( laughter )

POOR GUY GETS BITTEN BY A SNAKE,I'M TELLING HIM CUTE STORIES.

"YEAH! HERE'S ONE I GOTOUT OF READER'S DIGEST.

GEE, YOUR HEAD'S SWELLING UP."

( laughter )

NO OFFENSE TO ANTELOPE VALLEY

BUT THE SMARTEST PEOPLEI'VE EVER RUN INTO

WOULD HAVE TO BEIN THE IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS.

I WAS DOING A SHOWAT HARVARD ONCE.

GOT HECKLED BY A GUYWHO YELLS OUT

"YOU SUCK TO THE THIRD POWER!"

I SAID, "WELL

YOUR THING'S THE SQUARE ROOTTHE SIZE OF MY THING!"

( whooping and applause )

THANK YOU, FOLKS,AND IF IT WAS ONLY TRUE

I'D BE WORKING STATE FAIRS.

( laughter )

NO, UH... WHO THE HELLCOULD TELL

WHO GOES TO IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLSANYMORE

WITH K-MART SELLING T-SHIRTS

WITH PRINCETON,HARVARD AND YALE ON THEM

TO DUNDERHEADS THATCOULDN'T EVEN GET IN

THE AIR CONDITIONERREPAIR INSTITUTE.

BUT ANYWAY,IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.

I GOT OVER HERE... I GUESSYOU PEOPLE DROVE, TOO?

WORST CAR I EVER HAD WASAN '84 PONTIAC SUNBIRD.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH..."THEY BUILD EXCITEMENT," YEAH--

THE EXCITEMENT OF PUSHING YOURCAR OUT OF A BUSY INTERSECTION.

WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRIVINGA HUNK OF JUNK

WHEN YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE ROAD

YOU'RE HAVINGTOW TRUCKS CIRCLE YOU.

( laughter )

"CALM DOWN,I'LL PICK ONE OF YOU!"

IN THAT CAR, IF I EVER NEEDEDTO READ A MAP AT NIGHT

I COULD ALWAYS READFROM THE GLOW

OF THE ENGINE WARNING LIGHTS:"CHECK OIL," "CHECK BATTERY"

"TAKE OUT A CHECK, BUYA DECENT CAR, THIS ONE SUCKS."

THANK GOD I KNOWA LITTLE ABOUT CARS

BECAUSE SOME MECHANICSWILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

WENT INTO MR. GOODWRENCHONE TIME.

ENGINE WOULDN'T EVEN TURN OVER

AND THIS GUY GOES, "ONE THINGWE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO.

"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REPLACEBOTH THEM BACK SEAT ASHTRAYS.

THEM BABIES RUNABOUT $200 EACH."

I'M NO IDIOT-- I SAID,"JUST REPLACE ONE OF THEM."

( laughter )

"AND TRY AND FIND A REBUILT ONE,YOU SCUMBAG.

"YOU'RE NOT DEALINGWITH A DOPE HERE--

I WENT TO ANTELOPE VALLEYFOR A SEMESTER."

( laughter and scattered applause )

I'M KIDDING.

ANY OF YOU FOLKS OWNA PICKUP TRUCK?

THEY'RE FINE VEHICLES.

I JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON

WITH THEIR COMMERCIALS ANYMORE.

THEY HAVE TO SHOW THE PICKUPSDOING SOME HELLACIOUS FEAT

LIKE PULLING A TRAINUP A MOUNTAIN

OR HAULING PIGS ON TOP OF EGGSOR SOMETHING.

ARE THOSE SELLING POINTS?

TO ME IT'D BE A SELLING POINTIF THEY MADE ONE THAT COLLAPSES

WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS,"CAN YOU HELP ME MOVE?"

( laughter )

I KNOW ONE THING.

WATCHING TV, I THINK IT'S SADTO SEE THAT ORVILLE REDENBACHER

PASSED THOSE UGLY LOOKS OF HISON DOWN TO THE GRANDSON.

THANK YOU, FOLKS, IT'S BEEN FUN.

( cheering and applause )

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