Wet Hot Demonic Summer

  • Season 2, Ep 203
  • 06/30/2011

Twayne and Callie build a summer camp to cover up their raid on a wizard training ground.

SO YOU SEE LIONEL, BEFORE AWIZARD CAN RETIRE,

HE MUST CREATE AN APPRENTICE

AND TRAIN HIM FOR DECADESIN THE MAGICAL ARTS.

- YOU CREATED ME?HOW?

- BY LAYING AN EGG.

I REMEMBER ITLIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

[screaming]

- OKAY, HERE WE GO.- OH, MY TAINT!

- PUSH, LEONARD, PUSH!

- THE URETHRAWAS NOT MEANT FOR THIS!

[screaming]

OH, OH, MY BALLS--

- MM, THAT'S SMOOTH.

- I CAN'T DO THIS.I CAN'T DO IT.

I'M NOT READY.SORRY, EGG.

I'M IN MY EARLY 500s.I'M FAR TOO YOUNG FOR THIS.

MEEP!

LONG STORY SHORT,THAT'S WHY YOU WERE RAISED

BY CHINESE IMMIGRANTS

AND WHY YOU'RE 50 YEARS OLD.

- YOU ABANDONED ME?I HATE YOU!

I'M SORRY.THAT WAS RUDE.

I--I DIDN'T MEANTO LOSE MY TEMPER.

- NO, IT WAS TOTALLY EXPECTED,

ESPECIALLY SINCEWE JUST HAVE ONE DAY LEFT

TO CRAM IN FIVE DECADESOF TRAINING.

- [crying] I WISH I NEVER CAMEOUT OF YOUR PEE HOLE.

- JESUS, WHAT A WHINER.

I HAVE TO SAY, I'M A LITTLEDISAPPOINTED

THIS IS NOT AT ALLWHAT WE DISCUSSED.

THE PROPS GO HERE.THE SOFT LIGHT GOES HERE.

AND WHY IS THERE A THIN LAYEROF SILVER DUST ON EVERYTHING?

- OUR APOLOGIES, MARK.

IT WILL BE TIP-TOPBY TOMORROW NIGHT.

- APOLOGIES WON'T MAKE THIS

THE BEST DANG TALENT SHOWIN SUMMER CAMP HISTORY.

I MEAN, I CAN'T PUTMY NAME ON THIS!

- MARK MEANS BUSINESS.WE BETTER PICK UP THE PACE.

- DON'T MOP THAT IF YOU'RENOT GOING TO SWEEP IT FIRST.

- TWAYNE, WE'RE HERETO FOLLOW MARK INTO MOUNT MAGIC,

NOT REENACT MEATBALLS.

CAN YOU DO ME A SOLID

AND PULL YOUR HEADOUT OF YOUR ASS?

- I DON'T HAVE TO TAKETHIS ABUSE.

I'M A BONE RAPER, SIR.

I BID YOU GOOD DAY.

[sobbing]

- ♪ COME ON ABOARD THE SHIP,YEP, YEP ♪

♪ OF CAMP FRIENDSHIP

ALL RIGHT.HEY, WELCOME, EVERYBODY!

WE HAVE LOTS OF GREAT STUFFPLANNED FOR THE WEEKEND,

INCLUDING TOMORROW'SBIG TALENT SHOW.

WHO'S EXCITED?

- WHY ARE WE HERE AGAIN?- SHH!

- FANTASTIC.

NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO OUR CRACK TEAMOF COUNSELORS:

TOBY,DOUG,

ERIC,RANDALL,

CROATIAN MAN,AND...

[sultry music]

CALLIE.

- [moans]

- OKAY, NOW I'M EXCITED.

- UM, WHERE ARE YOU GOINGDRESSED LIKE THAT?

- OUT.

- I NEED TO HAVE A CHATWITH HER

ABOUT HER AUTHORITY ISSUES.

SHE CLEARLY DID NOT READMY DRESS CODE LEAFLET.

YOU'RE IN CHARGE TILL I'M BACK.

- ALL RIGHT, TEAM,

WE CAN EITHER MAKELANYARD BRACELETS,

OR WE COULD MINE FOR SILVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?WE'RE GONNA MINE FOR SILVER.

..HAS POSSESSION OF THE QUEEF

AND IT'S NIGEL DODGELBEFORE THE SNOOT!

all: YEAH!

- I CAN'T BELIEVETHAT AFTER 500 YEARS

OF PROTECTING THE SEAS,

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

- AND WHAT WILL THE RETIREDLEONARD POWERS BE DOING?

- THREE WORDS, GENTLEMEN:EL POLLO LOCO.

NYAH.HEH.

ALREADY HAVE A FRANCHISESET UP IN PASADENA.

THAT FLAME-GRILLED CHICKENMONEY?

LIQUID GOLD.

- [groans]

- WHAT THE [bleep], REF?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA CALL THAT?

- SAY, LEONARD,WHERE'S YOUR APPRENTICE?

- GUH!

- [muttering]STUPID CEREMONY.

DON'T NEED TO...DO IT.

FROM SOME GUY WHO WASN'TAROUND FOR 50 YEARS.

HUH?

[sultry rock music]

- MM.AH.

- WHA?

TOTAL BONER CITY.

AH!SHE WILL BE MINE.

- HEY, PAL,YOU'RE MISSING THE FESTIVITIES.

- [grunts]

[water bubbling]

- CALLIE, I THINKWE NEED TO HAVE A CHAT

ABOUT RESPECTING MY AUTHORITY.

I'M HEAD COUNSELOR.

IF IT MAKES ME "UNPOPULAR,"SO BE IT.

- HEY, SPEAKING OFCENSUS REPORTS,

LOOK UP THERE;IT'S LEONARD.

- LEONARD.

- MARK!WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- TWAYNE HAS ME RUNNINGHIS SUMMER CAMP.

ALSO, YOU FORGOT TO SIGNYOUR CENSUS REPORT.

THE TWOARE COMPLETELY UNRELATED.

- OH, [bleep]!FOR REALS?

I CAN'T RETIRETILL I SIGN THAT REPORT.

- YOU'RE RETIRING?

- YES.

HERE'S MY REPLACEMENT.LARRY.

- IT'S LIONEL, SIR.

- COME TO THE SECRET ENTRANCE,

AND I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

IT'S A SYCAMORE TREEWITH GOLD LEAVES

AND A UNICORN CARVED IN IT.

IT'S NOT AS GAY AS IT SOUNDS.

AND MAKE SURENO ONE FOLLOWS YOU.

[echoing] FOLLOWS YOU,FOLLOWS YOU.

- CHECKMATE.

MARCH! MARCH!

- THE SUMMER SOLSTICE HAS BEGUN.

PREPARE YOUR PENISES.

- [groans]

- WELCOME TO THE WIZARDHOOD.

- AND SALUTATIONSFROM DEATHSVILLE.

- INVADERS!FORM THE RING OF POWER.

[shimmering tone]

- HUH?

- THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ALLOWEDTO TOUCH MY JUNK

IS THAT RED-SKINNED VIXEN.

- SO WHO'S READY FORTHE BIG TALENT SHOW TONIGHT?

HUH?

HEY, WHA--WHERE'D EVERYONE GO?

- AH! AH!- AAR!

AH!

[bats screeching]

- [humming]

AH![groans]

[gunshots]

- [screaming]

[gurgles]

- OH.[chuckles]

AH!

[indistinct yelling]

- BLECH.

- [slurping]

[belches]

clang!

[both growl]

[both moaning passionately]

- GUYS, IF I COULDJUST HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

Loading...