Wednesday, April 23, 2014

  • 04/23/2014

Brandon Johnson, Paul Scheer and Andy Daly list #GangstaBroadway musicals, discover bizarre apps and request orgasm donations.

IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS, THISHAPPENED ON

YOUTUBE TODAY! IT'S OFFICIAL.

FRIDAY, FRIDAY IS DEAD TO US ASA CULTURE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> THAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED A

WHILE AGO BUT IT DOESN'T MATTERBECAUSE A FAMILY TRIO CALLED

THREE BEAT SLIDE HAS A NEWMUSICAL REVELATION TO SHARE,

GUYS, GUESS WHAT? "SUMMERTIMEIS GREAT".

YOU (BLEEP) DAMN RIGHT IT IS,THREE BEAT SLIDE! ♪

>> IT'S SUMMERTIME ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

NOTHING IS HARD ♪>> Chris: HEY, GUYS.

"SUMMERTIME IS GREAT".

THIS IS SUCH A GREAT FAMILYCELEBRATION OF BONDING AND TEEN

AWKWARDNESS THAT WHEN ALIENSULTIMATELY DESTROY OUR

CIVILIZATION, THIS WILL BE THEIRNATIONAL ANTHEM, BUT I REALLY

FEEL LIKE I WANT TO KNOW WHATTHIS WHOLE ALBUM IS, THIS SONG

IS BUT ONE TALE IN A TOME FULLOF WONDERFULNESS, PLEASE TITLE

III BEAT SLIDE'S UPCOMING ALBUM.

>> WE ARE DOING GREAT SINCE MOMDIED!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: PAUL.

>> DAD IS TOTALLY NOT HOLDING AUS HOSTAGE.

>> Chris: ANDY DALY!

>> ANDY.

ANDY DALY.

IT'S SUMMERTIME! ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IT'S SUMMERTIME, ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IT'S SUMMERTIME, ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

>> LOOKING OVER ME.

NOTHING IS HARD.

IT'S SUMMERTIME, WHENEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IT'S SUMMERTIME WHENEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

>> Chris: ANDY! ANDY DALY.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ARE YOU THERE?

>> OH, SORRY.

I WAS JUST DAYDREAMING ABOUT HOWGREAT MY SUMMER IS GOING TO BE.

>>HOW DID YOU SEETHAT?

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

>> THE NYPD'S SOCIAL MEDIATEAM IS TRYING -- THEY'RE TRYING

IT IS IMPORTANT TO TRY FORTHINGS.

AND IN AN EFFORT TO BE SOCIALMEDIA FRIENDLY, THE NYPD'S

TWITTER ACCOUNT ASKED PEOPLE TOTWEET PHOTOS OF CITIZENS POSING

WITH COPS AND USING THE HASHTAGMY NYPD.

>> APPARENTLY THEY HAD NEVERBEEN TO THE INTERNET BEFORE

WHICH IS A VERY BAD PART OFTOWN.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING PICTURES DID THEY

RECEIVE?

>> NYPD RESTRAINING A16-YEAR-OLD WHO SAID NO TO BEING

FRISKED.

B.

NYPD CONTINGENT PROTECT AGO BANKAS THOUGH IT WERE A PERSON.

>> C, A POLICE OFFICER FRISK AGODOG.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY A,16-YEAR-OLD WHO SAID NO TO BEING

FRISKED.

>> I WILL SAY ALL OF THOSETHINGS.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: THAT GUY WHO DIDN'TWANT TO BE FRISKED AND OH,

TAKE THIS, BANK AND THEN,OH!

>> WHICH, BY THE WAY, THIS ISLITERALLY DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER.

>> TWO THINGS TO SAY.

FIRST THAT IS A BAD ASS DOG.

AND NUMBER 2, HE IS PRETTY INTOIT.

>> BECAUSE THAT IS A FRISK BUTIT IS ALSO A BELLY SCRATCHES.

JUST ENOUGH WHITE ON HIS PAWS TOWEAR THE UGLY SUNGLASSES

BUT JUST ENOUGH BLACKTO GET FRISKED BY THE MAN.

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FORBRANDON.

MOVING ON, PILLOWY SOFT CANADIANMAPLE STAR DRAKE WAS SITTING

COURTSIDE AT THE TORONTORAPTORS PLAY-OFF GAME, LAST

NIGHT WHERE HE WAS CAUGHT ONINSTAGRAM DOING WHICH SUPER BAD

ASS FAN MOVE.

>> DIPPING STRAWBERRIES INTO AWHITE COCK LAT FONDUE, READING A

COPY OF EAT PRAY LOVE DURINGTIMEOUTS, OR USING A LINT ROLLER

TO DAINTILY TIDY UP HIS DRAKEPANTS.

>> IT'S C, AND I'M OBSESSED WITHTHIS!

>> OH, LOOK AT ALL OF THIS LINT.

GOLL! WHY DO THEY LET CATS INTOTHESE STADIUMS, I MEAN, WHAT?

IT IS ALL LINTY HERE.

TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE'S 450TH BIRTHDAY

>> AND IF WE LEARNED ANYTHINGFROM MOVIES SUCH AS DANGEROUS

MINDS, SHAKESPEARE WAS THERAPPER OF HIS TIME.

SO TO CELEBRATE LET'S MODERNIZETHE ART FORM HE LOVED SO MUCH.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS GANGSTABROADWAY.

GANGSTA BROADWAY.

>> COULD I SOUND ANYMORE LIKE AWHITE PERSON, GANGSTA BROADWAY.

>> Chris: EXAMPLES WOULD BESOUTH STRAFK PACIFIC, OR

RECEIVE AND THE AMAZINGTECHNICOLOR SWEAT SUIT.

OR "WESTSIDEEEE STORY".

>> YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I AM NOTPICKING SIDES, I AM NOT PICKING

SIDES.

I AM JUST SAYING -- I WILL PUT60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

>> BRANDON.

>> YO MOMMA MIA.

>> Chris: POINTS

>> ANDY GET YOUR GAT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> MARY POP IN THE CAP IN THEMOTHER(BLEEP)ER.

>> Chris: YES.

>> THE SIZZURP KING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, ANDY DALY.

>> HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS BYEXECUTING BIGGY SMALL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THE LOOK AND SHOCK

ON YOUR OWN FACE.

BRANDON.

>> YEZUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR.

>> Chris: POINTS! ANDY DALY.

>> LONG DAY'S JOURNEY IN THESUGE KNIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSEIN COMPTON.

WHISPER ME THIS, BATMAN.

WHISPER IS A SITE WHERE YOU CANANONYMOUSLY POST ANYTHING YOU

WANT IN MEME FORM.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE A SECRET SANTAFOR HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE TRUTHS.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU A WHISPER MEME WITH SOME

MISSING WORDS AND PHRASES AND IWANT YOU TO FILL IN THE BLANKS

AND IF YOUR JOKE IS FUNNIER THANTHE PAINFUL TRUTHS OF STRANGERS,

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

NO ONE KNOWS I LOVE COLLECTIING,BLANK.

>> RUNAWAY TEENS FOR MYTERRIFYING CIRCUS OF BLOOD.

>> Chris: THE CIRCUS OF WHAT?

>> OF BLOOD.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER IS EVERYONESEES ME AS A SMART GUY BUT I

COLLECT WEAPONS AND THROWINGDAGGERS IN MY YARD.

YIKES.

>> WE COULD HAVE A PRETTY GOODCIRCUS OF BLOOD WITH THE DAGGERS

IN THE YARD.

>> Chris: WHY DOES TO THESWEATER MAKE THAT CREEPIER?

>> NEXT ONE.

MY MOM TOLD ME TO CHECK HERPHONE FOR A TEXT AND I

ACCIDENTALLY BLANK.

>> PAUL SCHEER.

>> FOUND OUT SHE'S MY DAD

>> WHAT THE (BLEEP)!

>> POINTS FOR THAT.

THAT IS CRAZY.

BRANDON.

>> ADOPTED A WHITE BABY.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS OPENED APICTURE OF MY DAD'S PENIS.

YEAH! >> BRANDON, NO.

NO! I AM PROUD OF MY FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT'SSUMMERTIME AND EVERYTHING'S

GREAT! IT'S SUMMERTIME ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE, WHEN I'M NOTOUT PARTYING I SECRETLY GO ON

THE ROOF OF MY FRAT HOUSE --BLANK.

ANDY.

>> AND SEND HAWKS TO PECK OUTTHE EYES OF MY ENEMIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS I GO TOTHE ROOF OF MY FRAT HOUSE AND

DRESS UP AS BATMAN AND WATCH OUTOVER ALL THE DRUNK PEOPLE.

APP OR CRAP, APP OR CRAP.

APPS ARE ON THOSE PHONES THATYOU USE WHILE YOU IGNORE THE

PERSON YOU'RE HAVING ACONVERSATION WITH.

WE FOUND A FEW REALLY GREATRIDICULOUS APPLES THAT ACTUALLY

EXIST.

I'M GOING TO NAME TWO POSSIBLEAPPS AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU

TELL ME WHICH ONE IS REAL.

>> AIRPNN, AN APP THAT CONNECTSYOU TO PEOPLE WHO WILL

ALLOW YOU TO USE THEIR TOILET,OR P4-ME.

>> THE ANSWER IS AIRPNP

>> YOU CAN USE SOMEONE'SBATHROOM AND ON THE GO.

>> THAT IS POLITE AND NICE ANDNOT CREEPY AT ALL.

>> I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE REAL CREEPY.

>> Chris: WELL THEY ARE GOINGTO FILM YOU WHILE YOU ARE DOING

IT.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT IN YOURTOILET.

THE IS THIS FROM THE SAME PEOPLEWHO BROUGHT YOU DOOK AND BOUNCE?

>> THERE ARE 288 PLACES TO DOTHIS IN GERMANY.

>> DEFINITELY.

HOW CAN I GET SOME STRANGERSINTO MY HOUSE TO PEE?

THERE MUST BE A WAY.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I LOVE YOUR GERMAN

ACCENT.

NOW I WANT YOU TO OPEN THE ARKOF THE COVENANT AND YOUR FACE TO

MELT! AH!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: PAUL AND BRANDON, KEEP

YOUR EYES SHUT.

THE NEXT ONE, MAGIC BUTTINTERACTIVE ASS, AN INTERACTIVE

ASS, OR ENCOURAGE A BONER,A VIRTUAL FLACCID PENIS THAT

GETS ERECT WHEN YOU SHAKE YOURPHONE.

>> I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUTENCOURAGE A BONER.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

IT'S MAGIC BUTT.

I THINK THIS JUST ENCOURAGED ABONER.

I THINK IT IS BOTH.

I THINK IT IS BOTH.

BY THE WAY, IF THERE WERE ANENCOURAGE A BONER APP YOU SHOULD

BE IN THE TESTIMONIAL PART OFTHE COMMERCIAL.

>> VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE WHAT ANDYDALY HAS TO SAY ABOUT ENCOURAGE

A BONER.

>> HEY, GUYS, IT IS TIME TOENCOURAGE A BONER.

AND LIKE SARAH MCLAUGHLIN DOGCOMMERCIAL.

HER SONG PLAYS OVER IT.

>> Chris: WITH SADFLACCID PENISES.

>> ♪

TIME FOR FREE ON CRAIGSLIST:DORM EDITION!

>> WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TOGRADUATION, FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS

ARE GIVING AWAY LOTS OF CRAPTHEY DON'T WANT ON CRAIGSLIST.

NAME SOME AWFUL THINGS A COLLEGESTUDENT WOULD WANT TO GIVE AWAY

AFTER MOVING OUT OF THEIR DORM.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND DOIT.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ONE CONDOM SLIGHTLY USED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> PRINCIPLES OF PHILOSOPHYTEXTBOOK, NEVER USED, WAS THIS

PREDETERMINED OR MY CHOICE?

DISCUSS.

>> Chris: WOW, POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> ECTASY? COULD BE XANAX.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT, YEAH.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> 1 DRILDO, DON'T ASK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> ONE ROOMMATE, VERY QUIET,POSSIBLY DECEASED, I AM NOT

PRE-MED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> BLACK FACE PAINT.

USED ONCE, BIG MISTAKE.

DON'T DO IT.

PUT IT ON CRAIGSLIST.

>> Chris: HE SAID DON'T DO IT.

HE IS SAYING NOT TO DO IT.

>> I SAID DON'T DO IT.

>> I SIMPLY WANT YTO ANSWER.

TEAGAN & SARA TICKETS FROM WHENI TRIED TO (BLEEP) THAT GIRL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> ONE TOGA SLIGHTLY VOMITSTAINED.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> FORT OF BOXES OF DOMINOCHICKEN KICKERS, RECEIVED

D-MINUS FROM ENGINEERINGPROFESSOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

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