Wednesday, April 23, 2014

  • 04/23/2014

Brandon Johnson, Paul Scheer and Andy Daly list #GangstaBroadway musicals, discover bizarre apps and request orgasm donations.

IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS, THISHAPPENED ON

YOUTUBE TODAY! IT'S OFFICIAL.

FRIDAY, FRIDAY IS DEAD TO US ASA CULTURE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> THAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED A

WHILE AGO BUT IT DOESN'T MATTERBECAUSE A FAMILY TRIO CALLED

THREE BEAT SLIDE HAS A NEWMUSICAL REVELATION TO SHARE,

GUYS, GUESS WHAT? "SUMMERTIMEIS GREAT".

YOU (BLEEP) DAMN RIGHT IT IS,THREE BEAT SLIDE! ♪

>> IT'S SUMMERTIME ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

NOTHING IS HARD ♪>> Chris: HEY, GUYS.

"SUMMERTIME IS GREAT".

THIS IS SUCH A GREAT FAMILYCELEBRATION OF BONDING AND TEEN

AWKWARDNESS THAT WHEN ALIENSULTIMATELY DESTROY OUR

CIVILIZATION, THIS WILL BE THEIRNATIONAL ANTHEM, BUT I REALLY

FEEL LIKE I WANT TO KNOW WHATTHIS WHOLE ALBUM IS, THIS SONG

IS BUT ONE TALE IN A TOME FULLOF WONDERFULNESS, PLEASE TITLE

III BEAT SLIDE'S UPCOMING ALBUM.

>> WE ARE DOING GREAT SINCE MOMDIED!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: PAUL.

>> DAD IS TOTALLY NOT HOLDING AUS HOSTAGE.

>> Chris: ANDY DALY!

>> ANDY.

ANDY DALY.

IT'S SUMMERTIME! ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IT'S SUMMERTIME, ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IT'S SUMMERTIME, ANDEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

>> LOOKING OVER ME.

NOTHING IS HARD.

IT'S SUMMERTIME, WHENEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IT'S SUMMERTIME WHENEVERYTHING'S GREAT.

>> Chris: ANDY! ANDY DALY.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ARE YOU THERE?

>> OH, SORRY.

I WAS JUST DAYDREAMING ABOUT HOWGREAT MY SUMMER IS GOING TO BE.

>>HOW DID YOU SEETHAT?

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO GUYS, THE NYPD'S SOCIAL MEDIA

TEAM IS TRYING.

THEY'RE TRYING, RIGHT?

IT IS IMPORTANT TO TRY FOR

THINGS.

AND IN AN EFFORT TO BE SOCIAL

MEDIA FRIENDLY, THE NYPD'S

TWITTER ACCOUNT ASKED PEOPLE TO

TWEET PHOTOS OF CITIZENS POSING

WITH COPS, USING THE HASHTAG

#MYNYPD.

WHEN THEY DID THAT, APPARENTLY

THEY HAD NEVER BEEN TO THE

INTERNET BEFORE, WHICH IS A VERY

BAD PART OF TOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING PICTURES DID THEY

RECEIVE?

A) THE NYPD RESTRAINING A

16-YEAR-OLD WHO SAID NO TO BEING

FRISKED.

B) AN NYPD CONTINGENT PROTECTING

A BANK AS THOUGH IT WERE A

PERSON.

(LAUGHTER)

C) A POLICE OFFICER FRISKING A

DOG.

(LAUGHTER)

PAUL SCHEER.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY A,

16-YEAR-OLD WHO SAID NO TO BEING

FRISKED.

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO SAY ALL

OF THOSE THINGS.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: THERE'S THAT GUY WHO

DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRISKED AND

OH, TAKE THIS BANK AND

THEN ANOTHER ONE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU PACKING?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHICH, BY THE WAY, THIS IS

LITERALLY DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> TWO THINGS IN THEIR DEFENSE,

NUMBER ONE: THAT IS A BADASS

DOG.

AND NUMBER TWO, HE IS PRETTY

INTO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE THAT IS A FRISK, BUT

IT IS ALSO BELLY SCRATCHES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU GOT ANYTHING IN

HERE, BUDDY?

>> JUST ENOUGH WHITE ON HIS PAWS

TO WEAR THOSE UGLY SUNGLASSES,

BUT JUST ENOUGH BLACK TO GET

FRISKED BY THE MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FOR BRANDON

JOHNSON.

MOVING ON.

PILLOWY SOFT CANADIAN MAPLE STAR

DRAKE WAS SITTING COURTSIDE AT

A TORONTO RAPTORS PLAY-OFF

GAME LAST NIGHT WHERE HE WAS

CAUGHT ON INSTAGRAM DOING WHICH

SUPER BADASS FAN MOVE?

A) DIPPING STRAWBERRIES INTO A

WHITE CHOCOLATE FONDUE.

B) READING A COPY OF "EAT PRAY

LOVE" DURING TIMEOUTS.

C) USING A LINT ROLLER TO

DAINTILY TIDY UP HIS DRAKE

PANTS.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> IT'S C AND I'M OBSESSED WITH

THIS VIDEO.

>> Chris: OKAY, YEAH, LET'S SEE

IT.

HERE IT IS.

LOOK AT ALL THIS LINT.

WHY DO THEY LET ALL THESE CATS

INTO THIS STADIUM?

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: I MEAN IT'S SO LINTY

IN HERE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S 450TH

BIRTHDAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF WE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM

MOVIES SUCH AS "DANGEROUS

MINDS," SHAKESPEARE WAS THE

RAPPER OF HIS TIME.

SO TO CELEBRATE, LET'S MODERNIZE

THE ART FORM THAT HE LOVED SO

MUCH.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#GANGSTABROADWAY.

#GANGSTABROADWAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

COULD I SOUND ANY MORE LIKE A

REALLY WHITE PERSON:

#GANGSTABROADWAY.

EXAMPLES OF GANGSTA BROADWAY

WOULD BE SOUTH CENTRAL PACIFIC

OR JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING

TECHNICOLOR SWEAT SUIT.

OR WESTSAYEED STORY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M NOT PICKING SIDES, I'M NOT

PICKING SIDES.

I AM JUST SAYING...

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

BRANDON.

>> YO MOMMA MIA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ANNIE GET YOUR GAT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> MARY POPPIN' A CAP IN A

MOTHER (BLEEP)ER.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS, FOR SURE.

YES, PAUL SCHEER.

>> THE SCISSOR UP KING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, TV'S ANDY DALY.

>> HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS BY

EXECUTING BIGGY SMALLS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE LOOK OF SHOCK

ON YOUR OWN FACE.

BRANDON.

>> YEEZUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ANDY DALY.

>> LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO SUG

NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU'RE VERY FOCUSED ON

THAT CASE.

POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> BEST LITTLE WHORE HOUSE IN

COMPTON.

>> Chris: YES.

NICE.

POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHISPER IS A SITE WHERE YOU CAN

ANONYMOUSLY POST ANYTHING YOU

WANT IN MEME FORM.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE A SECRET SANTA

FOR HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE TRUTHS.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOW

YOU A WHISPER MEME WITH SOME

MISSING WORDS AND PHRASES AND I

WANT YOU TO FILL IN THE BLANKS

AND IF YOUR JOKE IS FUNNY, YOU

GET THE POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY?

HERE WE GO, FIRST ONE.

FIRST ONE.

"EVERYONE SEES ME AS THE NICE

SMART GUY, BUT NO ONE KNOWS I

LOVE COLLECTING..." BLANK.

ANDY DALY.

>> RUNAWAY TEENS FOR MY

TERRIFYING CIRCUS OF BLOOD!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: TERRIFYING CIRCUS OF

WHAT?

>> OF BLOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

SO THE ACTUAL ANSWER IS

"EVERYONE SEES ME AS A SMART

GUY, NOT KNOWING THAT I COLLECT

WEAPONS AND THROWING DAGGERS IN

MY YARD."

>> YIKES.

>> YOU COULD HAVE A PRETTY GOOD

CIRCUS OF BLOOD WITH THOSE

DAGGERS IN THE YARD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHY DOES THE SWEATER

MAKE THAT CREEPIER?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

"MY MOM TOLD ME TO CHECK HER

PHONE FOR A TEXT AND I

ACCIDENTALLY..." BLANK.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> FOUND OUT SHE IS MY DAD!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT THE (BLEEP)!

YEAH, POINTS FOR THAT.

THAT IS CRAZY.

BRANDON.

>> ADOPTED A WHITE BABY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER

WAS "OPENED A PICTURE OF MY

DAD'S PENIS."

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

>> YEAH!

>> Chris: BRANDON, NO.

NO!

>> YEAH!

I AM PROUD OF MY FAMILY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU KNOW WHY?

♪ BECAUSE IT'S SUMMERTIME AND

EVERYTHING'S GREAT!

♪ IT'S SUMMERTIME AND SEEING

DICK PICS. ♪

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

"WHEN I'M NOT OUT PARTYING I

SECRETLY GO ON THE ROOF OF MY

FRAT HOUSE..." BLANK.

ANDY.

>> AND SEND HAWKS TO PECK OUT

THE EYES OF MY ENEMIES.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "I GO

TO THE ROOF OF MY FRAT HOUSE AND

DRESS AS BATMAN AND WATCH

OVER ALL THE DRUNK PEOPLE."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

APPS ARE THOSE THINGS ON YOUR

PHONE THAT YOU USE WHILE YOU

IGNORE THE PERSON YOU'RE HAVING

A CONVERSATION WITH.

WE FOUND A FEW REALLY GREAT

RIDICULOUS APPS THAT ACTUALLY

EXIST.

SO I'M GOING TO NAME TWO

POSSIBLE APPS AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU TELL ME WHICH ONE IS

REAL.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE, AIRPNP, AN

APP THAT CONNECTS YOU TO PEOPLE

WHO WILL ALLOW YOU TO USE THEIR

TOILET.

OR P4-ME, AN APP THAT CONNECTS

YOU TO PEOPLE WHO WILL WATCH YOU

USE YOUR TOILET.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> P4-ME HAS TO BE AN APP.

>> Chris: WELL, I THINK THE

CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY

AIRPNP.

>> WHAT?!

>> Chris: YEAH.

YOU COULD JUST USE SOMEONE'S

BATHROOM IF YOU'RE ON THE GO.

>> THAT IS REALLY POLITE AND

NICE AND NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

>> Chris: YEAH, I KNOW.

>> I THOUGHT THE INTERNET

WOULD BE WAY MORE CREEPY.

>> Chris: WELL, THEY ARE GOING

TO FILM YOU WHILE YOU ARE DOING

IT.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT IN YOUR

TOILET.

>> THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

>> IS THIS FROM THE SAME PEOPLE

WHO BROUGHT YOU "DUKE AND

BOUNCE"?

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT WE'RE LEARNING FROM THIS

MAP IS THAT THERE ARE 288 PLACES

TO DO THIS IN GERMANY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DEFINITELY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> (imitating German accent):

HOW CAN I GET SOME STRANGERS

INTO MY HOUSE TO PEE HERE?

THERE MUST BE A WAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I LOVE YOUR

GERMAN ACCENT.

NOW I WANT YOU TO OPEN THE ARC

OF THE COVENANT AND YOUR FACE

JUST MELT.

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: PAUL AND BRANDON, KEEP

YOUR EYES SHUT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, MAGIC BUTT

INTERACTIVE ASS, AN INTERACTIVE

IMAGE OF A WOMAN'S ASS THAT

JIGGLES AND REACTS TO PINCHING

AND SLAPPING.

OR ENCOURAGE-A-BONER, A VIRTUAL

FLACCID PENIS THAT GETS ERECT

WHEN YOU SHAKE YOUR PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'D LIKE TO REMIND ALL OF

AMERICA THAT ONE OF THESE THINGS

IS REAL.

ANDY DALY.

>> I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT

ENCOURAGE-A-BONER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

OH, IT'S MAGIC BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THIS ALSO JUST

ENCOURAGED A BONER.

I THINK IT IS BOTH.

I THINK IT'S BOTH.

BY THE WAY, IF THERE WERE AN

ENCOURAGE-A-BONER APP YOU SHOULD

BE IN THE TESTIMONIAL PART OF

THE COMMERCIALS.

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT

ENCOURAGE-A-BONER."

LET'S SEE WHAT TV'S ANDY DALY

HAS TO SAY ABOUT

ENCOURAGE-A-BONER.

>> HEY, GUYS, IT IS TIME TO

ENCOURAGE A BONER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AND IT'S LIKE THAT SARAH

MCLAUGHLIN DOG COMMERCIAL WHERE

HER SONG PLAYS OVER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: JUST THESE SAD FLACCID

PENISES.

♪ IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL...

IT IS TIME FOR "FREE ON

CRAIGSLIST: DORM EDITION"!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO

GRADUATION, WHICH MEANS COLLEGE

STUDENTS ARE GIVING AWAY LOTS OF

CRAP THEY DON'T WANT ON

CRAIGSLIST.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO NAME SOME AWFUL THINGS A

COLLEGE STUDENT WOULD WANT TO

GIVE AWAY AFTER MOVING OUT OF

THEIR DORM.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND DO

IT.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ONE CONDOM SLIGHTLY USED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> PRINCIPLES OF PHILOSOPHY

TEXTBOOK, NEVER USED, WAS THIS

PREDETERMINED OR MY CHOICE?

DISCUSS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WOW, POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> ECSTASY?

OR IT COULD BE XANAX?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT, YEAH.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ONE DRILDO, DON'T ASK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> ONE ROOMMATE, VERY QUIET,

POSSIBLY DECEASED, I AM NOT

PRE-MED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> BLACK FACE PAINT.

USED ONCE, BIG MISTAKE.

DON'T DO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT'S ON CRAIGSLIST.

>> Chris: HE SAID DON'T DO IT.

HE WAS SAYING NOT TO DO IT.

>> I SAID DON'T DO IT.

>> I SIMPLY WANT TO ANSWER.

TEGAN AND SARA TICKETS FROM THE

TIME I WAS TRYING TO (BLEEP)

THAT GIRL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ONE TOGA SLIGHTLY VOMIT

STAINED.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> FORT BUILT FROM BOXES OF

DOMINO'S CHICKEN KICKERS,

RECEIVED A D- FROM

ENGINEERING PROFESSOR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

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