CC Presents: Ben Bailey

  • Season 10, Ep 18
  • 04/21/2006

Ben Bailey suggests a way to even the playing fields at the dentist, explains how he adjusted to weather in New York City and bemoans the hassles of the subway.

- Audience: WHEW! - THAT IS FANTASTIC.

- I AM NOT.- Audience Member: WHEW!

I'M IN A ROTTEN MOOD AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I WOKE UP AT 8 O'CLOCK THIS MORNING FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

NO REASON.

THIS SHOW IS THE FIRST THING THAT I HAD TO DO TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WOKE UP AT 8 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING ANGRY,

I JUST OPENED MY EYESAND THOUGHT "THIS SUCKS.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING AWAKE AT 8 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?

AND WHY AM I IN THIS PHONE BOOTH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I STOOD UP AND PULLED MYSELF TOGETHER AND CALLED MY WIFE.

AND ASKED HER THAT VERY QUESTION.

AND SHE SAID, "BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND THEN SHE HUNG UP ON ME.

SO I WENT BACK TO SLEEP...

- IN MY NEW APARTMENT. - [LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS KIND OF SMALL AND YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE WALLS.

BUT IT'S GOT A PHONE IN IT, SO THAT'S CONVENIENT.

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS ALL A BUNCH OF CRAP. NONE OF IT HAPPENED.

[LAUGHTER]

I DID WAKE UP AT 8 O'CLOCK, THOUGH.

SOMETHING WAS ON MY MIND. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

MAYBE IT WAS THIS SHOW.BUT I WOKE UP EARLY

SO I AM TIRED RIGHT NOWAND TRYING TO FAKE IT.

HOW COME WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONETHAT YOU'RE TIRED

THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT TIME IT IS?

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND HE GOES, "HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?" I GO, "I'M KIND OF TIRED."

HE GOES, "TIRED? IT'S 7 O'CLOCK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE I WAS WRONG. RIGHT?

LIKE HE THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GO, "OH, REALLY, 7 O'CLOCK?

"I'M NOT TIRED. I GOT TONS OF ENERGY.

"LET'S GO BUILD A BARN AND RUN A COUPLE OF MARATHONS.

"7 O'CLOCK,THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME.

"GOOD THING YOU HAD THAT WATCH ON.

"I MIGHT HAVE GONE TO SLEEP FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

"HEY, DO ME A FAVOR. LET ME KNOW WHEN I'M HUNGRY.

I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT FIGURING THAT OUT FOR MYSELFWITHOUT A WATCH."

KNOW WHAT HE SAID? HE GOES, "YOU'RE HUNGRY RIGHT NOW."

- AND HE WAS RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

NOT ONLY WAS I NOT TIRED,I WAS STARVING.

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT I WAS TIRED.

SO WE WENT INTO A RESTAURANT AND WALKED UP TO THE PODIUM

AND I SAID TO THE GIRL BEHIND THE PODIUM,

"WE WOULD LIKE A TABLE, PLEASE."AND SHE SAID, "I'M SORRY, SIR.

"THERE ARE NO TABLES AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GO IN THE WAITING ROOM AND WAIT."

SO WE WENT IN THE WAITING ROOM.AND WHILE WE WERE WAITING

I COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK, "WHY DON'T THEY JUST

PUT SOME TABLES IN HERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT? AND THAT WAYEVERYONE COULD BE EATING

INSTEAD OF SOME PEOPLE EATING AND SOME PEOPLE WAITING."

SO I SUGGESTED IT, AND I WAS INTRODUCED TO THE MANAGER.

THE MANAGER SAID, "I'M SORRY,SIR. WE CAN'T DO THAT."

AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?" AND HE SAID,

"BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAITING ROOM." SO I SAID,

"WELL, WE COULD JUST AGREE TO CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE LIKE

- "'THE OTHER EATING ROOM.' - [LAUGHTER]

I'LL RIP THE SIGNOFF THE WALL RIGHT NOW."BUT HE DIDN'T GO FOR IT.

SO WE WAITED.AND WE WAITED AND WAITEDIN THE WAITING ROOM

UNTIL FINALLYOUR TABLE WAS AVAILABLE.

AND WE WENT IN AND WESAT DOWN AND WE ATE OUR DINNER.

AND WHILE WE WERE EATING, A COUPLE IN THE RESTAURANT WERE HAVE THIS HUGE FIGHT.

IT WAS A BLOWOUT. THEY WERE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER.

AND WHEN THE WOMAN FINALLY GOT UP AND STORMED OUT,

I NOTICED THAT THE MAN DIDN'T GO AFTER HER.

SO I DID.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND WHEN I CAUGHT UP TO HER,I WASN'T QUITE SURE WHAT TO SAY.

SO I JUST SPUN HER AROUND AND WENT,

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"

AND I THINK THAT REALLY CONFUSED HER,

BECAUSE SHE SAID...

"SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT REALLY CONFUSED ME.

SO I PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT SAYIN' IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

THERE WASN'T A LOT OF TIME. IT WAS GETTING AWKWARD.

SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE.

SO I KNOCKED HER OUTAND I RAN OUT OF THERE.

- PLUS MY FOOD WAS GETTING COLD. - [LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE EVERYONE THAT YOU SEE TELLS YOU THAT IT'S REALLY COLD OUTSIDE.

OVER AND OVER AND OVER ALL DAY LONG.

NOT EVEN JUST PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW.

TOTAL STRANGERS JUST YELL IT AT YOU

ON THE STREET IF IT'S COLD ENOUGH.

JUST WALKIN' BY. "IT'S FREEZIN' OUT HERE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO THAT?

"YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW.

"BECAUSE I AM OUT HERE, TOO.

"AND THEREFORE I AM ABLE TO FEEL IT.

"THINK THE REST OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ALSO AWARE THAT IT'S COLD

"JUDGING BY THE CLOTHINGTHAT THEY HAVE SELECTED.

"SO YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE [BLEEP] WEATHER UPDATES.

WE ALL KNOW IT'S COLD."

I LIKE IT WHEN IT FIRST GETS COLD. YOU GOTTA BREAK OUT

YOUR WINTER JACKET FOR THE FIRST TIME. PUT IT ON.

PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE POCKETSAND BE REMINDED OF WHAT

- YOU WERE DOING LAST WINTER. - [LAUGHTER]

I PUT ON MY FAVORITE WINTER JACKET FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND AS SOON AS I PUT MY HANDS IN THOSE POCKETS

I WAS IMMEDIATELY REMINDED THAT LAST YEAR I DIDN'T HAVE

- ANY MONEY EITHER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I DID APPARENTLY HAVECHAPPED LIPS...

[LAUGHTER]

AND A RASH THAT REQUIREDA PRESCRIPTION OINTMENT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I THINK I HAD BLOCKED THAT PART OUT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HATE THE COLD IN NEW YORK. GETS SO COLD HERE IN THE WINTER

THAT YOU CANNOT TELLWHO IS HOMELESS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY LOOKS HOMELESS IN THE WINTER.

EVERYBODY'S GOT FIVE HATS ON,FOUR PAIRS OF MITTENS,

THREE SCARVES, TWO JACKETS, A HOODED SWEATSHIRT.

STAGGERIN' AROUND THE CITY WITH SNOT FROZEN TO THEIR FACE.

JUST LIKE, "AUGH!IT'S FREEZIN' OUT HERE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN GIVING MONEY TO EVERYBODY I SEE.

JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET LIKE, "OH MY GOD.

"THIS HOMELESS PROBLEM IS OUT OF CONTROL!

"DAMN YOU, BLOOMBERG." THAT'S THE MAYOR, BY THE WAY.

THERE'S THE GUY IN THE BACK, "WHO'S THIS BLOOMBERG FELLA?

AND HOW COME HE'S GETTIN' BLAMED FOR THE WEATHER?!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO IT'S WINTER IN NEW YORK.

THERE'S NEVER GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK. IT'S NEVER GOOD.

IT'S ALWAYS EITHER TOO HOT OR TOO COLD TO GO OUTSIDE.

THE BEST SEASONS ARE SPRING AND FALL

- AND THEY DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S NO SPRING IN NEW YORK.

HERE'S MY IMPRESSION OF SPRING IN NEW YORK CITY.

"JEEZ IT'S COLD. OH, THIS IS NICE.

- [BLEEP] IT'S HOT." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMETIMES SPRING IS LIKE A HALF-HOUR ON A THURSDAY AFTERNOON.

AND BY DINNERTIME IT'S 190, 4,000% HUMIDITY.

EVERYBODY'S NAKED AND SITTING TOTALLY STILL.

[LAUGHTER]

"DID YOU ENJOY THE SPRING?

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]

"HELL, YEAH. I PLAYED HALF A HOLE OF GOLF.

"CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THE FALL COMES AROUND

AND WE'LL GO OUT AND THROW THE FOOTBALL...ONCE.

"THEN I'M GONNA RUN BACK INSIDEBEFORE I FREEZE TO DEATH.

"I'M NOT EVEN GO GET IT.

I'M JUST GONNA THROW IT AND RUN RIGHT BACK IN THE HOUSE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- Audience Member: WHEW!- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. FELLOW COLD SUPPORTER.

'CAUSE WHEN IT'S HOT IN NEW YORK CITY IT STINKS,

AND IT STINKS BAD.

YOU WALK ONE BLOCK IN MANHATTAN IN JULY,

YOU SMELL 100 DIFFERENT SMELLS THAT COULD DOWN A HORSE.

IT'S JUST ONE AFTER ANOTHER.YOU'RE LIKE, [Sniffs] "OOH. OOH!

"OH MY GOD. RUN! RUN! IT'S NOT GOING AWAY.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - GET BACK TO THE CAR."

THE ONE THINGYOU KNOW A SMELL IS BAD

WHEN IT STARTS TO AFFECT YOUR OTHER SENSES. RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE STANDING ON THE CORNERAND THE GARBAGE TRUCK GOES BY

- AND YOU ARE MOMENTARILY BLIND, - [LAUGHTER]

THAT IS A BAD SMELL.

YOU'RE JUST MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

[Sound of Truck Roaring By]"WHOOAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

- "[SOBBING] - [LAUGHTER]

- I CAN'T SEE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHY IS IT THAT WHEN YOU SMELL A HORRIBLE SMELL,

YOU IMMEDIATELY SMELL IT AGAIN

JUST TO SEE IF YOU CAN IDENTIFY IT?

YOU'D THINK IT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT WAS AWFUL.

BUT IT'S NOT. YOU HAVE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT AWFUL SMELL IS.

YOU CAN'T HELP IT, RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE, [Sniffs] "OH MY GOD.

- "WAS THAT-- [Sniffs] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YEP. THAT WAS ROTTEN MEAT ALL RIGHT.

"GOOD THING I SMELLED IT AGAIN. NOW WHEN I'M TELLING MY FRIENDS

"ABOUT THIS I CAN SPECIFY PRECISELY WHAT THE ODOR WAS

"THAT BURNED ALL THE HAIRS OUT OF MY NOSE,

"MADE ME KIND OF RETARDED FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

IT WAS ROTTEN MEAT. SO AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS."

IT STINKS IN NEW YORKIN THE SUMMER.

IT STINKS IN THE SUBWAY NO MATTER WHAT SEASON IT IS.

IT CONSTANTLY SMELLSLIKE PISS IN THE SUBWAYAND THAT'S NOT EVEN

THE THING THAT I HATE THE MOST ABOUT THE SUBWAY.

THE THING I HATE THE MOST IS EVERY TIME I GET OFF THE TRAIN

AND I'M TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE STATION AND BACK UP TO THE STREETS,

I END UP GETTIN' STUCK BEHIND THESE REALLY SLOW PEOPLE

- ON THE STAIRS.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NOW, WHAT HAPPENS TO ME EVERY TIME I TAKE THE SUBWAY,

AND IT'S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME FOR YEARS,AND MY QUESTION IS THIS:

HOW THE HELL DO THEY KEEP BEATING ME TO THE STAIRWAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THEY'RE THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE DAMN TRAIN.

I CAN'T GET TO THATSTAIRWAY BEFORE THEY DOTO SAVE MY OWN LIFE.

HOW'S THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? DO THE DOORS ON THE TRAIN OPEN

AND THEY RUN AS FAST AS THEY CAN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS

BY THE TIME THEY GET THERE THEY'RE SO TIRED FROM RUNNING

THAT THEY'RE BARELY ABLE TO MAKE THE CLIMB AT ALL?

WE'RE ALL TRAPPED BEHIND THEM LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU SHOULD'VE PACED YOURSELVES.

"NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA BE LATE. LET US OUT OF HERE.

"IT SMELLS LIKE PISS DOWN HERE. [Sniffing] YEAH, IT'S PISS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I CHECKED IT AGAIN.I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'LL JUST KEEP SMELLING IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU

"FAT SLOW SONS OF BITCHES LET ME OUT OF HERE.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU BEAT ME HERE ANYWAY?"

I DID THAT JOKE IN A CLUB ONE TIME

AND THIS GUY IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM GOES,

"THEY WERE ON THE TRAIN THAT ARRIVED BEFORE YOURS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT SON OF A BITCH. I COULDN'T EVEN GET MAD AT HIM.

HE WAS JUST TRYIN' TO HELP OUT.

HE WASN'T EVEN HECKLING.HE WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,

"BUT I FEEL THAT I HAVE SOME INFORMATION...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT MAY BE PERTINENT THE YOUR DILEMMA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KIND OF FELT BAD FOR THE GUY, REALLY.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

HERE I WAS TELLIN' HIM A JOKE AND HE THOUGHT I WAS

- GIVIN' HIM A WORD PROBLEM. - [LAUGHTER]

RIGHT? EVERYBODY ELSE IS LAUGHING, HE'S IN THE BACK

WITH HIS NOTEBOOK. "THE PEOPLE ARRIVING ON TRAIN 'A'

"MOVE ACROSS THE PLATFORM AT POINT FOUR MILES PER HOUR.

"NO MATTER HOW QUICKLYTHE PEOPLE ARRIVING ON TRAIN 'B'

"RACE TOWARD THE STAIRWAY, THOSE PEOPLE FROM TRAIN 'A'

"WILL ARRIVE THERE BEFORE THEY DO.

FAT SLOW SONS OF BITCHESAS THEY MAY BE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA DO WHEN I GO BACK UPSTAIRS AFTER THE SHOW

IS TEAR OFF MY WIFE'S UNDERWEAR.AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY,

BECAUSE THEY ARE CRUSHING MY BALLS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY WERE ACTUALLY PRETTY COMFORTABLE AT FIRST.

A LITTLE TOO COMFORTABLE EVEN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

BUT NOW THEY'VEBEGUN TO CHAFE.

SPEAKING OF BALLS,

I WAS AT THE DENTIST EARLIER THIS WEEK.

I KNOW AT THIS POINT YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING

JUST WHAT THE CONNECTION MIGHT BE, WELL, HERE IT IS.

I BELIEVE THAT WHILE YOU ARE AT THE DENTIST

AND HE IS WORKING ON YOUR TEETH

BY LAW YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWEDTO HOLD HIS BALLS IN YOUR HAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST TO SORT OF EVEN UPTHE ODDS A LITTLE BIT.

THAT WAY WHEN HE LEANS IN AND GOES,

"THIS WON'T HURT A BIT," YOU CAN GO,

"YEAH, YOU BETTER HOPE IT DOESN'T...

"'CAUSE I'VE GOT YOUR BALLS IN MY HAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU HURT ME, I WILL HURT YOU."

I DID THAT JOKE IN A CLUB ONE TIME.

THERE WAS A WOMAN RIGHT IN THE FRONT ROW AND SHE GOES,

[High-Pitch Voice] "WHAT IF THE DENTIST WAS A WOMAN?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD ME STUMPED.

BUT TO METHE ANSWER WAS OBVIOUS.

"THEN THE JOKE DOESN'T WORK, BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, SHE DIDN'T THINK THAT PART WAS FUNNY EITHER.

PROBABLY A DENTIST...

- AND A LESBIAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S REALLY NO BASISFOR THE LESBIAN PART.

JUST KIND OF FUN TO THROW IT IN THERE AT THE END.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT SEEMS LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO

- MY WORKDAY BEING COMPLETE. - [LAUGHTER]

I JUST PUT IN 24 AND A HALF MINUTES AND I AM EXHAUSTED!

I'M JUST GONNA GO TO A LITTLE [BLEEP]-HOLE BAR.

LITTLE DIVE. A LITTLE DUMP. HOLE IN THE WALL.

THAT'S WHERE I LIKE TO DRINK.

I NEVER GO TO NIGHTCLUBS OR STRIP CLUBS.

A LOT OF COMICSHANG OUT IN STRIP CLUBS.

SOMETIMES THEY WANT ME TO GO. THEY'RE LIKE, "COME ON, MAN. WE'RE GOIN' TO FLASHDANCERS.

WE'RE GONNA CHECK OUT SOME TITTIES. YOU WANNA GO?"

AND I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "I CAN'T, FELLAS. I'M MARRIED."

AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING BACK,

"THEY'RE LIKE, COME ON, DUDE.HOW'S SHE GONNA KNOW?"

I'M LIKE, "HOW IS SHE GONNA KNOW?

"HOW IS SHE NOT GONNA KNOW.

"I'M GONNA ROLL IN AT 5 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING...

"SMELLING LIKE EXOTIC PLANTS...

"NO MONEY IN MY POCKETS...

- GLITTER ALL OVER ME. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THE SECOND I WALK THROUGH THE DOOR SHE'S GONNA GO,

"'YOU WENT TO A STRIP CLUB.' WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA SAY?

'NO, NO. NO, I WAS OUT TRACKING UNICORNS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]