Wild West

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 08/27/2013

Holdouts fight to the bitter end at the Alamo, and Billy the Kid goes on the run from lawman Pat Garrett. Featuring Jake Johnson, Chris Parnell and Andy Daly.

AND HIS 1,000 ROUGH RIDERSGO TO CUBA.

THE TRANSPORT SHIPISN'T BIG ENOUGH.

300 GUYS HAVE TO STAY BEHIND.

EVERY OTHER GUY HADTO LEAVE HIS HORSE BEHIND.

SO THESE GUYS LAND IN CUBA,

AND THEY GET AMBUSHED.

THEY'RE IN A VALLEYBETWEEN TWO HILLS

WHERE THE SPANISHHAVE THE UPPER HAND.

THEY'RE SITTING DUCKS.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT'S MENSTART TAKING FIRE.

HE LOSES OVER 200 OF HIS MENIN THIS 20 MINUTES.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT RIDES UPTO THE SECOND-IN-COMMAND

OF THE REGULAR ARMY,AND HE SAYS,

WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES KICKEDRIGHT NOW.

THE ONLY WAYWE'RE GONNA SURVIVE

IS IF WE CHARGEUP THIS HILL.

AND THE SECOND-IN-COMMANDOF THE REGULAR ARMY SAYS,

THE COLONEL ISN'T HERETO MAKE THAT CALL.

I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT.

AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT SAYS,I AM A COLONEL.

IT'S MY CALL NOW.

HE RIDES,UNAFRAID OF BULLETS,

TO THE FRONT LINES.

HERE, TEDDY ROOSEVELTIS HERE.

HIS HISTORY AND HIS PEOPLEARE STANDING BEHIND HIM.

HE SAYS, I'M GONNA GO.

I'M GOING UP THIS HILL.

AND I'M GONNA--

AND I'M GONNA DEFEATTHESE SPANISH FORCES.

FOLLOW ME.

AND IF YOU TURN AROUND,I WILL SHOOT YOU.

SO TEDDY ROOSEVELTLED THIS CHARGE

AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE FOLLOWEDTEDDY ROOSEVELT UP THE HILL.

THEY BEAT BACKTHE SPANISH FORCES.

AND THE SPANISH FORCESRETREATED,

BUT TEDDY ROOSEVELTKEPT CHARGING,

AND WITHIN TWO WEEKS,SPAIN SURRENDERED.

WHEN HE WAS 11 YEARS OLD,TEDDY ROOSEVELT SAID,

IF I'M GONNA BE ANYTHING,

THE THING THAT I'M GONNA BEIS A BADASS.

AND THAT DAY, HE FULFILLEDTHAT PROMISE TO HIS YOUNG SELF,

AND HE BECAMEA [bleep] ROCK STAR.

[triumphant music]

KNOWN AS BILLY THE KID.

AS AN ADOLESCENT,HE STOLE CHEESE,

AND THEN HE GOT ARRESTED.

AND HE ESCAPEDOUT OF AN OUTHOUSE.

THAT'S WHEN HE FELT LIKEHE WAS AN OUTLAW.

YOU KNOW, THESE--THESE RANCH OWNERS

AND THESE LAND OWNERSAND THESE SHERIFFS

WERE TAKING WATER AND LANDAND MONEY

FROM THE INDIANS,THE MEXICANS.

AND BILLY THE KIDIS THE KIND OF GUY

THAT WOULD BE LIKE,[bleep] YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THAT.

I'M GONNA SHOOT YOUAND KILL YOUR PEOPLE...

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.BOOM, BOOM.

AND YOUR SHERIFFS, MAYBE.

PEW, PEW, PEW.

HE WAS LOVEDBY THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY,

AND HE APPARENTLY HAD

A LOT OF LATINA WOMENTHAT LOVED HIM.

BUT, UH--[laughs]

- DID HE DATE ANY?

- OH, A LOT OF 'EM.

HE LOVED LATINA WOMEN.

THERE WAS THESE STORIESWHERE HE KILLED

THESE PEOPLE, LIKE,UH, JOE GRANT,

WHO WAS THE LOCAL DRUNK,APPARENTLY, AT THIS BAR.

AND BILLY THE KIDWAS SITTING THERE

AND HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM.

HE SAID, IF I--IF I MET BILLY THE KID,

I WOULD KILL HIMIN COLD BLOOD.

I'D MURDER HIM.

AND HE WAS LIKE,OKAY.

AND SO BILLY THE KID,HE SAID,

MAN, I LOVEYOUR IVORY HANDLE.

AND HE TURNED ITTO WHERE THERE WAS

ONE BLANKON THAT REVOLVER.

AND HE SAID, HEY, JOE GRANT,I'M BILLY THE KID.

[ominous music]

OH, REALLY?AND HE WALKED OUT.

AND YOU HEAR--[click]

AND THEN BILLY THE KIDTURNED AROUND

AND SHOT THAT DUDEIN THE CHIN.

[chuckles]IN THE CHIN.

I MEAN, WELL,YOU'RE AN ASS[bleep].

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

[playing piano]

AND WHAT'S CRAZYABOUT BILLY THE KID,

HE COULD SING IN A WAYTHAT NO ONE ELSE COULD SING.

[singing poorly]

LET'S--TRY THAT.

[gibberish]

[laughs]

[mumbling]

HEY, BITCH!

[laughs]

I'M, LIKE, A BITCH!

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

[laughs]

PAT GARRETT WAS THE SHERIFFAND SAID,

MY--MY ONE GOAL IS TO GET--

I'M GONNA GET BILLY THE KID.

AND HE HUNTED DOWNBILLY THE KID.

SO THEY FOUND HIMIN A FARMHOUSE,

AND THEY HAD THE WHOLE PLACESURROUNDED.

ONE GUY CAME OUT AND HE DECIDEDTO GO FEED THE HORSE,

AND THEY SHOT HIM DOWN

AND THOUGHT THATIT WAS BILLY THE KID.

AND THEY WERE LIKE, WE GOTBILLY THE KID, WE GOT HIM.

AND THEN THEY REALIZEDTHAT IT WASN'T HIM.

SO THEN THEY REALIZEDIT WASN'T HIM.

AND PAT GARRETT SAID,WELL, SHOOT THE HORSE DOWN.

SHOOT THE HORSE DOWN.

THERE'S NO WINDOWS.THERE'S NO EXIT.

AND SO THEYSHOT THE HORSE DOWN.

AND THEY PUT THE HORSE,THE DEAD HORSE,

IN FRONT OF THE EXIT.

AND THEY PUT HIMIN FRONT OF THE EXIT

AND NO ONE ELSECOULD GET OUT.

TODAY, WE'RE GONNATALK ABOUT THE ALAMO

IN SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS.

1836--ENTER WILLIAM TRAVIS.

DODGED OUT ON A BUNCHOF BUSINESS DEBTS,

HE ABANDONED HIS WIFEAND CHILD

AND HEADED TOWARDS TEXASWITH HIS SLAVE, JOE.

JIM BOWIE, HE FORGEDTHESE DOCUMENTS THAT HE OWNED

ALL THESE GRANTSIN THE UNITED STATES TERRITORY.

JIM BOWIE'S LIKE,YEAH, THEY'RE ONTO ME HERE.

I BETTER GET TO TEXAS,

WHERE THEY'RE PROBABLYNOT AS SMART,

AND I'LL START DOING THISSAME SHENANIGAN DOWN THERE.

CONGRESSMAN DAVY CROCKETT,

EVERYBODY LOVES THIS GUY.

THE SAYING GOES,

"HE COULD KILL A GRIZZLY BEARWITH HIS SMILE."

WELL, AS IT HAPPENS,

HE DOESN'T GET ELECTEDFOR A SECOND TERM.

AND HE SAYS,YOU CAN GO TO HELL.

I'LL GO TO TEXAS.

CROCKETT, TRAVIS, AND BOWIEHEAD TO TEXAS TO TAKE LAND.

MEXICO OWNS THE TERRITORYOF TEXAS,

AND THE LONG-STORY-SHORTIS THESE GUYS

EXPEL A MEXICAN ARMYGARRISON

AND THEY TAKE A MISSIONFOR THEMSELVES.

AND THAT MISSIONIS THE ALAMO.

AND THEY HOLE UPIN THE ALAMO.

BOWIE SAYS, DON'T WORRY.

THERE'S NO WAYTHE MEXICAN ARMY'S

COMING UNTIL SPRING,BECAUSE THE WINTER'S TOO HARSH

ON THESEHIGH MEXICAN DESERTS.

BUT THEY DO COME.

SANTA ANNA AND HIS SOLDIERSARRIVE IN SAN ANTONIO.

THEY'RE ON HIS LAND.

AND HE SAYSTO THE ALAMO DEFENDERS,

SURRENDER NOWOR YOU WILL BE KILLED.

[scoffs]

BULL[bleep].

LET'S FIRE A CANNON SHOTAT SANTA ANNA

AND LET HIM KNOWWE KNOW BUSINESS.

AND FIRES A CANNON.

AND THIS PISSES OFFSANTA ANNA.

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