Fourth and Inches

  • Season 3, Ep 14
  • 02/06/2013

The dudes become obsessed betting on high school sports.

- YES!- HOLY COW!

THAT KID IS A JOCK!

LOVE TO SEE WHAT HE COULDDO IN THE POOL.

I BET HE'S GOT GREAT WALTZ.- YEAH.

ALL THESE KIDS,THEY'RE JUST CHILDREN OUT THERE.

A LOT OF THEM PROBABLYHAVEN'T EVEN SPROUTED PUBES.

PUT ME IN--I'M A REAL MAN.

I'VE GOT A VERY DENSE BUSH.

- MAN, LOOK AT THAT VISOR.THAT THING'S RAD-ASS.

HE LOOKS LIKECOBRA COMMANDER.

- HIS TOUCHDOWN DANCEIS A LITTLE WEAK.

WHAT I WOULD DO, IF I EVERACTUALLY PLAYED FOOTBALL,

IS I'D DO THE DANCEBEFORE THE PLAY EVEN STARTED.

LET 'EM KNOW WHAT'S UP.

JUST A LITTLE...

- RIGHT.- OH.

- YEAH.VERY FUN DANCE.

- TIMBERLAKE.- I LIKE IT.

UM, IT'S KIND OF STUPIDTO DO IT BEFORE THE PLAY,

'CAUSE THEN THE OPPONENT KNOWSTHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET THE BALL.

- I BET YOU $100 I WOULDSTILL BE ABLE TO SCORE.

- I DON'T BET, SO...

- I BET YOU DO.- I BET I--

NICE TRY.- YEAH, I GOT YOU, DUDE.

- I USED TO BE A MAJOR PLAYERIN THE GAMBLING WORLD,

ALL RIGHT?- MM.

- I LOST EVERYTHING.- HMM.

- INCLUDING MY MIND.HAVEN'T GAMBLED SINCE.

- NO, I REMEMBER THAT.YOU LOST, LIKE, 80 BUCKS.

- IT WAS MONEY YOUR GRANDMAGAVE YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

- NO, BUT SHE HAD TO CANCELHER SUBSCRIPTION FROM CABLE

FOR A MONTH.

SOMETIMES,WHEN YOU'RE A GRANDMA,

A MONTH'S ALL YOU GOT.

COME ON.

WHAT--ARE YOU CRAZY?

- [laughing] YO.

YO, THAT DUDE'SUSING THE SHORT URINAL.

HE MUST HAVE A SHORT DICK![laughter]

- UH, NO, THIS IS JUSTTHE AVAILABLE URINAL,

SO I'M USING IT.

- YEAH, AVAILABLE TO ANYONEWITH A LITTLE DICK.

[laughter]

- NO.

IF ANYTHING,IT'S FOR A LARGER PENIS,

BECAUSE IT HAS MORE ROOMTO DROOP

AND IT DOESN'T HAVE TO RESTON A URINAL CAKE.

- NO, MAN, I THINK I SAW ITWHEN YOU WHIPPED IT OUT.

IT WAS SMALL AND LOOKED LIKEA COCKTAIL SHRIMP.

- I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE IT OUTALL THE WAY.

THAT WAS JUST THE TIPOF THE ICEBERG, AS THEY SAY.

- HEY, HEY,CAN I BORROW YOUR DICK?

I NEED TO GET SOMETHINGOUT OF MY TEETH.

[laughter]- "DICKS, DICKS, DICKS.

WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL,ALL WE TALK ABOUT'S DICKS."

NEWS FLASH--DICKS,WE ALL GOT 'EM, IF WE'RE BOYS.

THIS IS INSANE.TANYA MICHAELS,

THE POINT GUARDFOR RC SOUTH LADY WOLVES--

ACCORDING TO HERRELATIONSHIP STATUS,

SHE'S NOW SINGLE.

- SHE'S REALLY GOOD TOO.- YEAH.

- WHICH IS GONNA BE MESSINGWITH HER MENTAL GAME.

SHE'S GONNA BE TOTALLYBOY CRAZY ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- ALSO, KEVIN SLATERJUST TWEETED,

"MIDNIGHT TACOS TONIGHT.#YUMMY."

- YEAH, THEY ARE GOOD.- GUYS, THAT'S CRAZY!

HE'S SUPPOSEDTO WRESTLE TOMORROW.

HE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLETO WRESTLE

IF HE'S GOT #DIARRHEA.- "HASHTAG."

THAT'S A POUND SIGN.THAT'S, LIKE, A TWITTER THING.

- ALL RIGHT, DERS,WHY ARE YOU EVEN BOTHERING

WITH STUPIDHIGH SCHOOL KIDS?

INTERNET STALKING?COME ON.

THAT'S BENEATH YOU.- WE'RE NOT STALK--

PAUSE THE GAME FOR A SECOND.

GUYS, I'M LOOKINGFOR AN EDGE RIGHT NOW.

I GOT A SYSTEMTHAT'S ALREADY YIELDED

SIX POSITIVEEXPECTATION WAGERS,

AND THAT'S--THAT'S A REAL THING.

- UGH, THESE HIGH SCHOOLFOOTBALL PLAYERS

HAVE BOY BODIES...I'D DESTROY THEM.

I HAVE A MAN BODY.I'M BORDERLINE DAD BODY.

I HAVE SHOULDER HAIRS.

ACTUALLY, I FOUNDA GRAY ONE THE OTHER DAY.

- DERS, YOU QUIT GAMBLING'CAUSE YOU LOST ALL YOUR MONEY.

WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK?

- THOSE WERE SCRATCH-OFFS.OKAY?

THOSE ARE RANDOM.YOU JUST SCRATCH.

YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET!

- YOU DON'T KNOW.- THIS IS HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS.

- HE KNOWS.

- I'M A FORMERHIGH SCHOOL ATHLETE, GUYS.

- YEAH, YOU WERE GOOD.

YOU SORT OF PEAKEDIN HIGH SCHOOL.

- OH, MAN, DIDN'T WE ALL,THOUGH?

- YEAH.YEAH, WE DID.

- HERE THEY COME.YO!

- DIDN'T THINKI'D HEAR FROM YOU SO SOON.

- BET YOU DID.

- WELL PLAYED.

- CHECK IT OUT.

- MY MAN![crowd cheering]

- OHH!

all: OHH!

[buzzer]

[overlapping chatter]

- HEY, TOOTHPICK!

[laughter]

- ♪ I'M THE NUMBER ONE

♪ BUT I AIN'T TRYINGTO BE THAT NUMBER ♪

♪ I'M JUST HERETO BEAT IT UP ♪

♪ I JUST CAME TO LAYTHE LAW, MY GIRL ♪

♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MY CHEESE

♪ I'M TALKIN''BOUT THE KARMA ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT NO BABY MAMA

♪ I DON'T WANTTHAT KIND OF DRAMA, NAH ♪

♪ NUMBER ONE, I AIN'T TRYINGTO BE THAT NUMBER, GIRL ♪

♪ I'M HERE TO BEAT IT UP

♪ I JUST CAME TO LAY THE LAW,MY GIRL ♪

♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MY CHEESE

♪ I'M TALKIN''BOUT THE KARMA ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT NO BABY MAMA

♪ I DON'T WANTTHAT KIND OF DRAMA, NAH ♪

- HE DOESN'T HAVE THE BALLSTO GRAB TITTIES.

- RESPECT YOURSELF.

[all cheer]

- WHOO!- WHOO!

- WHOO!- WHOO!

- WHOO!- WHATEVER.

- GREAT, WE JUST LOSTALL OUR MONEY.

THERE GOES MY IGUANA FUND.

- WELL, BOYS,IT WAS A PLEASURE

DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.

- WAIT. OH, WAIT, WAIT.HANG ON, HANG ON, HANG ON.

LET'S GO DOUBLE OR NOTHING,JUST SO WE CAN BREAK EVEN.

- YOU DON'T HAVEANYTHING TO BET.

- YES, I DO.

I'M WILLING TO BET MY 'VO

ON THE HOMECOMING GAME.

[all snicker]

- RC SOUTH IS GONNARUN AWAY WITH IT, OKAY?

NORTH CAN'T STOP BELLY BELK.

PLUS, YOUR CAR SUCKS, SO...- MY CAR SUCKS? OH...

- YEAH.- SUCKS.

- IT DOES.- WELL, YEAH?

WHAT IF WE BETFOR RC SOUTH TO LOSE?

- WHAT?- YEAH.

- YOU'RE BETTINGAGAINST BILLY BELK?

- HE'S--HE'S,UH, OVERRATED.

- WOW.- I THINK WE DO IT.

- DERS HAS A BET.

- [laughs]- ALL RIGHT!

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH![overlapping chatter]

- OKAY, COOL.- IT'S ALL FUN.

- ENJOY.- SEE YOU AT THE BET!

- YEAH.- SEE YOU GUYS AT THE BET.

- ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU'RE BETTING AGAINST BILLY.- YEAH.

BECAUSE WE'RE GONNAGET BILLY SO DRUNK TONIGHT

THAT HE'S NOT EVENGONNA BE ABLE

TO SHOW UPTO THE GAME TOMORROW.

YOU GUYS PROMISED ME

I'D GET TO [bleep]TO COMPLETION TONIGHT.

- YEAH.- OH, YEAH.

THEY'RE COMING, AND, UH,

TO PUT ITIN LAID-MAN'S TERMS,

HE'S GETTIN' LAID, MAN.

- YEAH, MAN![laughter]

- WHOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIMEFOR YOU TO MEET OUR BUDDY,

TUBBA [bleep].

- IT'S COOL, 'CAUSE IT'LL MAKEYOUR BRAIN ALL RELAXED, RIGHT?

BUT YOUR HEART...IT MIGHT EXPLODE.

WE BOUGHT, LIKE, 800 CANS

WHEN WE FOUND OUTTHEY MADE IT ILLEGAL.

IT KILLED 14 KIDSIN WEST VIRGINIA.

- NO JOKE.- MM-HMM.

HEART ATTACKS.- I'M READY.

- YEAH, WE GOT A TUB OF IT.

- HERE'S TO NO MORE BLOWJESAND REAL SEX!

[all cheer]

- ♪ DO IT, DRINK, DRINK

♪ DON'T WANT NO JUICE,NO JUICE ♪

♪ A SPLASH OF GRAPE DRINKWITH MY GREY GOOSE ♪

♪ HELP ME GET LOOSER

♪ DRINK, DRINK,DON'T WANT NO JUICE ♪

♪ NO JUICE, A SPLASHOF GRAPE DRINK ♪

all: BEAT THAT TUB!- WHAT?

all: BEAT THAT TUB!- WHAT?

- ♪ TOP SHELF VODKA,I CAN'T STOP HER ♪

♪ A NIGHT AT THE OPERA,NOTHING BUT DRAMA ♪

♪ SHE TOOK A DRINK AND ANOTHER,DRINK AND ANOTHER ♪

♪ NOW SHE LIT,[...] UP ♪

♪ AND NOW I GOTTA BABYSIT

♪ I WAS TRYING TO TAKE HER OUT,TAKE HER HOME AND HIT ♪

♪ SHE WAS CUTE, I WAS TRYINGTO JUST GET SOME LOVE ♪

♪ SHE WANNA PICK A FIGHTWITH SOME CHICK IN THE CLUB ♪

♪ I GOTTA BREAK IT UP,BREAK IT UP ♪

- ♪ GOTTA BREAK IT UP,BREAK IT UP ♪

♪ SUGAR WATER PURPLE,SUGAR WATER PURPLE ♪

♪ ALCOHOL - ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH

- WHOO!- NO!

- [bleep]!- IT'S PART OF THE GAME.

- [bleep]!SON OF A [bleep]!

- THIS IS MY GUY.- YEAH!

- THIS IS MY GUY.- WHOO!

- I MEAN, LIKE,WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THESE GIRLS

TO GET YOU TO BLOWJ THEM?

I MEAN,I KNOW WHAT I'D SAY,

BUT I WANNA HEAR IT FROM,LIKE, ANOTHER POON MASTER.

- I'LL SAY ANYTHINGTO GET THE MOUTH.

- [laughs]

- AND, LIKE,YOU'RE NOT SCARED, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHINGTO BE SCARED OF?

- SCARED OF WHAT?

- I HEARD THIS STORY ABOUT THISGIRL WHOSE [bleep]

HAD LIKE A FINGERNAIL,AND THIS GUY'S TONGUE GOT--

- YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.SLICED OPEN.

- WHAT'S WITH YOU DUDES?

WHERE'S THE 'TANG?

I NEED TO SHOOT THE SILK MILKBEFORE OUR BIG GAME.

EMPTY THE NUTS!all: YEAH.

- EMPTY NU--YEAH.- WE KNOW.

- I'M--I'M SO USEDTO DOING IT, I--

- YOU THINK MY NUTSARE EVER FULL?

- LIKE, SO MANY...- OH, THE--THE GIRLS,

WHOA, THEY'RE CLOSE,AND THEN IT SAYS

THAT THEY'RE JUICIN' FOR YOU.

- THEY'RE JUICINGAND THEY'RE READY FOR SILK MILK.

- LET ME SEE THAT.- WAIT, NO--

- DUDE, YOU DIDN'T GETANY TEXT MESSAGES.

- NO, THAT'S A PASSWORD THING.IT'S AN OLD PHONE.

- OH, PASSWORD PROTECTED.- DID YOU DELETE IT?

- WHAT? YOU ONLY GOT ONE CHICKTHAT AIN'T JILLIAN

IN YOUR CONTACTS.

KIM BETTER BE READYTO TAKE IT.

- DON'T CALL--NOT KIM!DON'T CALL--

- YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR KIM.IS SHE THERE?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO TAKETAEKWONDO CLASSES, DUDE.

I ALREADY DID THAT.

- SHOULD HAVE THOUGHTABOUT THAT--

- KIM'S A DUDE?

- HE'S A SENSEI.

- YOU GUYS DON'T KNOWONE CHICK, DO YOU?

- YEAH, UH...

- I TRUSTED YOU LOSERS.

I EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUTBANGIN' [bleep],

SUCKIN' [bleep], AND TAKIN' [bleep].

- HE DOES ALWAYS SAY THAT.- HE'S ALWAYS--

YEAH, THAT'S COOL.- AND, JUST SO YOU KNOW,

YOUR TINY LITTLE SHRIMP DICK

HAS A FACEBOOK PAGE.

OH, MAN, I WAS JUSTLAUGHING TO MYSELF, JERRY,

BECAUSE I WAS JOKINGABOUT BETTING MY 'VO,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBEYOU THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS.

- WHAT?- YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

- I WAS JOKING, MAN.

- YEAH!

[cheers and applause]

- BELK JUST TOOK THE FIELD!

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,NUMBER 33,

BILLY BELK!

all: BILLY! BILLY! BILLY!

- LOOK AT THE FOOTBALL DANCE.

LOOK AT THATTOUCHDOWN DANCE.

[cheers and applause]

- LET'S HEAR ITFOR HIM!

[cheers and applause]

- HEY, UH, REMEMBER...

HOW I WAS JOKING?

UH, I WAS JOKINGABOUT JOKING.

SO BET IS DEFINITELYSTILL ON.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.DO YOU GUYS WANT A MOUNDS?

all: BILLY! BILLY! BILLY!

- BILLY, YOU SHOULDREALLY BE IN THE HOSPITAL.

BUT, BY GOD, I'M GLADYOU'RE HERE WITH US!

NOW, GET OUT THEREAND BRING THIS ONE HOME!

GO, BILLY! GO!

[cheers and applause]

- ALL RIGHT, BILLY!

LET'S MAKE SURE YOU DON'TFUMBLE THE BALL!

[applause]

- [growling]

- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE HANDING ITOFF TO YOU, BILLY.

DO YOUR THING.GOT IT?

- UH...

BLOWJES.

[chuckles]

- SAME OLD BILLY.

READY? RIGHT!

- AGH! GRR.WHOO!

- FIRST AND TEN,RC SOUTH.

[indistinct chatter]

- LET'S GO, BILLY!

- [grunts and squeals]

- SET! RED 30!

- ALL RIGHT. COME ON,COME ON, COME ON.

- HUT![players grunting]

- WHOA![bleep].

[grunts]

- HO HO HO HO!

- BILLY BELKTACKLED FOR A LOSS.

- GOOD EFFORT!- SECOND AND 23.

- WE'RE LUCKYHE DIDN'T FUMBLE!

- GET OFF THE FIELD,LITTLE BOY!

- OH, MAN.

- I'M A STAR, I'M A STAR,I'M A STAR, I'M A STAR.

I'M A BIG, BRIGHT,SHINING STAR.

[whistle blows]

all: BILLY! BILLY!BILLY! BILLY!

BILLY! BILLY!

[applause]

[dramatic music]- SET! HUT!

[players grunting]

- FUMBLE IT!BILLY, FUMBLE!

BILLY, FUMBLE!

[triumphant music]

- [sound slowed]I'M MORE THAN A MASCOT, DAD!

[cheers and applause]

- WHOA!- WHAT THE--

- OH, MY GOD,DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?

- I'M TRYING TO KEEPMY CAR, MAN!

- ANDERS.- WHAT THE HELL?

- WHAT'S UP, BILLY?

- WHAT?- WHAT? WHO IS THAT?

- THAT'S THE REAL BILLY.

- HEY! HEEEY!

[crowd cheering and jeering]HEY, YEAH!

I GOT A BIG OL' DICK!YEAH, BABY!

H-U-G-E!

WHO'S GOT A BIG DICK?ME!

BLAKE! REMEMBER ME?

YOU SAID I HAD A SMALL ONE.I GOT A BIG ONE1

- HEY!- WHOO! WHOO!

OH!- STOP!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- HELP ME!

- MEET AT THE 'VO!MEET AT THE 'VO!

MEET AT THE 'VO!AAH! 'VO!

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