Monday, April 27, 2015

  • 04/27/2015

Tom Rhodes, Kevin Pollak and Eddie Izzard write taglines for a macabre sex toy, list #EuropeanSuperheroes and come up with alternative meanings for the acronym "BFF."

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

ALL RIGHT.

BIG, BIG WEEKEND FOR SPORTS.

AND I AIN'T TALKIN' ABOUT YOURDADDY'S SPORTS.

WHO NEEDS PLAY-OFF HOCKEY ANDBASKETBALL WHEN YOU HAVE ESPN'S

TWO-HOUR COVERAGE OF THECOLLEGE VIDEO GAME CHAMPIONSHIP

AKA HEROES OF THE DORM,PRESENTED BY BLIZZARD WHICH

IS AWESOME.

I'M SO GLAD THEY DID THIS.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP FEATURED TOPSEEDED VIDEO GAME TEAMS FROM UC

BERKELEY AND ASU.

I AM ASSUMING UC SANTA CRUZSLEPT IN.

THEY WERE IN FRONT OF A PACKEDHOUSING COLLEGE KIDS PLAYED

VIDEO GAMES. NO ONE WAS MOREBLOWN AWAY THAN THIS GUY ON THIS

VINE.

THERE HE IS.

WOW.

THEY SHOULD'VE SENT A POET.

IT WAS COOL -- THEY GAVEFULL COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIPS TO

THE WINNING TEAM.

SO LET'S SEE SOME OF THATHOT GAME ON GAME ACTION

RIGHT THERE.

>> WELCOME DOWN!

>> Chris: I MEAN, THIS IS THEFUTURE OF SPORTS.

I WOULD WATCH SPORTS IF THISWAS ALL SPORTS, YOU GUYS.

I DON'T-- I DON'T CARE HOWMUCH YOU CAN BRENCH PRESS IN

REAL LIFE.

I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH HIGHSCHOOL SPORTS YOU PLAYED.

I WANNA SEE WIZARDS LIGHTING(BLEEP) UP WITH LIGHTENING

WANDS.

THAT'S EXCITING TO ME.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO HOLDAN AUDITION FOR VIDEO GAME

CHAMPIONSHIP COMMENTATOR.

PUT ON YOUR FIGURATEOVER-SIZED HEADSET AND DELIVER

SOME KILLER COLOR COMMENTARYKILLERS OF THE DORM.

KEVIN POLLAK.

>> LARRY, I DON'T KNOW WHATTHE HELL IS GOING ON HERE,

BUT I JUST [BLEEP] MYSELF.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EDDIE.

>> YEAH, COMING IN, THE'RE BLUEONES, THERE'S GREEN ONE, THE

RED ONES, NO WAIT --

WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS A DRAGODOING THERE.

OH NO, EVERYONE'S DEAD -- OH,NOW HE'S BLUE AGAIN.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

MOVING ON --

IF YOU RECENTLY HAVE LOST ALOVED ONE AND ARE YOU

LOOKING FOR A SOLEMN ANDDIGNIFIED WAY TO SEND THEM

OFF, DUTCH ARTIST MARKSYERKINVIM HAS ANNOUNCED

AN EXCITING NEW SOLUTION.

WHY NOT PLACE THE ASHES OFYOUR DEARLY DEPARTED IN A

DILDO?

THERE IT IS.

YUP.

YOU CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE INTHAT SKEXY'S GRIP.

THIS IS A REAL DILDO THATCONTAINS REAL REMAINS THAT

YOU CAN STICK IN YOUR REALORIFICE.

>> IS THIS FROM EUROPE?

IS THIS A WHOLE NIGHT OF JUSTWEIRD STUFF COMING OUT OF

EUROPE?

AS IF NOTHING WEIRD HAPPENS INAMERICA.

>> Chris: AMERICA, MAN. LOVE ITOR [BLEEP] LEAVE T YOU KNOW.

I MEAN --

IT'S NOT WEIRD.

>> THAT IS WHAT THEY SAY INHOLLAND AS WELL.

HOLLAND, MAN. LOVE IT FOR(BLEEPING) LEAVE IT!

>> Chris: I'M JUST-- MAYBEGRANDPA CAN FINALLY MAKE GRANDMA

[BLEEP] IN DEATH.

FINALLY, AFTER 40 YEARS.

TALK ABOUT A WIDOW'S PEAK.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THE SLOGANYOU WOULD USE TO SELL THIS

THIS MOROSE WIDOW AID. KEVIN,

>> ARE YOU TIRED OF YOU BEINGTHE ONLY ONE DEAD INSIDE OF YOU?

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS!

NOW, "THE AVENGERS: AGEOF ULTRON" IS ALREADY A

MASSIVE SUCCESS OVERSEAS --THEY ARE TROLLING IN RUBLES

OVER THERE! BUT FOR ALL THEPRECIOUS FRANCS AND EUROS

THEY PAID, THOSE POOR GENTLENERDS DON'T EVEN HAVE THEIR OWN

SUPERHEROES TO ROOT FOR.

LET'S GIVE THEM THE CAPTAINALBANIA THEY NEVER HAD WITH

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG,#EUROPEANSUPERHEROES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE LeFLASH,OR VUNDER VOMAN WITH

UMLAUTS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

TOM RHODES.

>> ANTI-ANTI-SEMITISM MAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> DAS GROOT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> HEALTH CAREMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> RINGO STARLORD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> THE FRENCH STIGLER.

>> Chris: POINTS. EDDIE.

>> THANK (BLEEP) FOR THAT.

ME IN A CAPE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> CRICKET BATMAN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

CRICKET BATMAN, SO GOOD.

TOM.

>> OPTIMUS PRIME MINISTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN POLLAK.

>> MSSR. FANTASTIQUE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN POLLAK AGAIN.

>> DAVID HASSELHOFF.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EDDIE.

>> CAPTAIN AMERIGO VESPUCCI.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. EDDIE.

>> MY THOUGHT WAS ONE CALLEDPIERRIE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY CONFESSIONOR IMPRESSION.

THERE'S THE GRAPHIC FOR THAT.

YOUTUBE! IT'S NOT JUST ACOLLECTION OF GRAMATICALLY

INCORRECT RACIST COMMENTS, THEYALSO HAVE VIDEOS!

TWO OF OUR FAVORITE YOUTUBEVIDEO TRENDS ARE PEOPLE DOING

CELEBRITY IMPRESSIONS OR PEOPLEGETTING STUFF OFF THEIR

CHEST.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A STILLIMAGE, AND FOR 250 POINTS, TELL

ME IF IT IS A PERSON DOING ATERRIBLE IMPRESSION OR

DELIVERING A TERRIBLECONFESSION.

FIRST ONE, THIS EARNESTLOOKING FELLOW.

CONFESSION OR IMPRESSION.

EDDIE IZZARD?

>> IMPRESSION.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE.

>> PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

I'M DREW BARRYMORE.

I HOPE THIS IMPRESSION ISSATISFACTORY. I'M AMAZING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT WAS PRETTYSPECTACULAR.

>> YEAH.

>> NO HARM THERE.

>> Chris: WOULD YOU HAVE GUESSEDIF HE HADN'T SAID.

>> YES, ACTUALLY, YES.

>> ONE WORD IMPRESSIONS ARETHE FUNNEST.

HERE IS LIAM NEESON --

"BANANERS."

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THIS LITTLELADY. CONFESSION OR IMPRESSION.

EDDIE.

>> I'M JUST PRESSING BUTTONS, IHAVE NO IDEA --

SHE LOOKS CONFESSIONAL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> NOW, I'M GOING TO TELLY'ALL, I DON'T LIKE BIG

DICKS.

I DON'T LIKE BIG DICKS THAT ARESUPER FAT --

>> Chris: OH-HO. WELL.

ALL RIGHT. THERE GOES KEVIN.

>> THAT MEAN YOU GOT A BIGDICK?

I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING.

>> Chris: NO, YOU SAW. HE WASHOBBLING OUT.

IT WAS GETTING IN HIS WAY THEWHOLE TIME.

>> GUYS A LITTLE DICKSEVERYWHERE ARE LOOKING UP

MONIQUE ANDERSON RIGHT NOW.

>> THAT IS WHERE I WAS GOING.

>> Chris: MONIQUE, WHY WOULD YOUTELL THE INTERNET THAT.

THIS POOR WOMAN IS GOING TOBE INUNDATED WITH TINY DICK

PICS.

MINE'S SMALL. LIKE 13 INCHES.THAT'S SMALL, RIGHT?

>> I VERY RARELY MEASURE.

I VERY RARELY GET THE RULEROUT.

DO PEOPLE DO THAT I DON'TKNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Chris: WHEN THE YARDSTICKBROKE I WAS LIKE, I GUESS I

DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

WHATEVER.

SORRY, WE CAN'T DATE.

>> I LOVE IT WHEN YOU ARGUEAND COMPETE OVER THE THING

COMPLETELY DESIGNED BY DNAAND GENETICS, SAID THE GUY

WITH THE TINY PENIS.

>> IT'S SURELY GIRTH IS THE --

>> I HAVE HUANG CLANGINGBALLS.

>> IF YOU HAVE A NINE FOOTBUT IT'S LIKE A NEEDLE --

>> Chris: TECHNICALLY VERY LONG.

>> THAT IS VERY LONG PENISBUT NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

THAT'S JUST GOING TO IMPREGNATESOMEONE ON THE NEXT STREET.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,FIRSTIES.

INTERNET FOLK LOVE TO BEFIRST IN THREADS, BUT IT'S

ALWAYS REALLY SAD WHEN THEY'RELIKE "FIRST," BUT IT'S LIKE THE

THIRD ONE DOWN.

SO KIND OF LIKE THE WAY ICAN'T TALK WITH MY OCD UNLESS

I SAY OCD THREE TIMES, OCD.

THAT WAS CLOSE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU APICTURE OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING

THAT WAS INTERNET FIRST.

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHAT THEY FROM FIRST

AT.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, HERE WE GO.

FIRST ONE THIS OLD TIMEYPHOTO GUY.

THIS OLD TIMEY PHOTO GUY.

>> YOU ARE KILLING IT.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS WITHTHIS.

>> YOU GOT TO KNOW WHO TOPAY, MAN.

>> FIRST GUY TO SAY BROWS ONFLEEK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THIS IS ACTUALLYROBERT CORNELIUS WHO TOOK

THE FIRST SELFIE IN 1839.

THAT IS WHAT THAT IS RIGHTTHERE.

LAST ONE, HOW ABOUT THIS DYNAMOIN THE SACK.

EDDIE.

>> THIS IS THE FIRST GUY TOBE EATEN BY HIS OWN CHAIR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THIS IS RAY TOMLINSON WHO

INVENTED [BLEEP] E-MAIL.

>> OH!

THANKS, RAY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, BONUS, WHATWAS THE E-MAIL, TOM.

>> PICTURE OF HIS DICK.

(LAUGHTER)

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, BFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVERYBODY AND THEIR BFF KNOWSTHAT BFF IS SHORT FOR BEST

FRIENDS FOREVER.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOUT NOTEDREFERENCE GUIDE URBAN

DICTIONARY DOT COM, WHICH GIVESBFF AN ALTERNATE DEFINITION.

BIG FAT [BLEEP].

I WOULD SAY THAT IS NOT THESAME AS THE OTHER ONE.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOBUZZ IN WITH AS MANY OTHER

WAYS TO RUIN BFF ASPOSSIBLE.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

TOM RHODES.

>> BIG FLESHLIGHT FAN.

>> Chris: POINTS! EDDIE.

>> BIG FOOT [BLEEP].

>> Chris: POINTS. KEVIN POLLAK.

>> BONANZA FAN FICTION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> BIRD FEED FETISH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> BETHANNY FLANKEL FINGERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EDDIE IZZARD.

>> FAN FOLDS FOUR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM RHODES.

>> BLACK FAMILY FEUD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> BITCHY FIREFIGHTERFIASCO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EDWARD.

>> BERLIN FURROR'S [BLEEP] UP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> BEGGING FOR FELACIO.