CC Presents: Finesse Mitchell

  • 02/22/2007

YES. YES. I'M CELEBRATING.

I JUST FINISHED MY THIRD YEAR ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

- YES. SO I'M--- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE THING I HAVE LEARNEDFROM THAT SHOW IS THAT

I AM TOO STAR STRUCKTO BE ON IT. I AM TOO--

MAN NOW, LISTEN.CHECK ME OUT.

MY FIRST SEASON, THE SECOND WEEKI WENT FROM DOING JOKES IN L.A.

TO BEING ON SNL. AND HALLE BERRY WAS THE HOST. HALLE BERRY WAS THE HOST.

I'M LIKE THAT CLOSE TO HALLE BERRY.

NOW, WE DIDN'T HAVE NO ORIENTATION.

SO I DON'T KNOW WHATTHEY EXPECTED ME TO SAYWHEN I GOT THE CHANCE

TO BE IN FRONT OF HALLE BERRY.

BUT I WAS HOME ALL NIGHT PRACTICING.

I WAS LIKE, DON'T MESS UP.HERE WE GO, FINESSE. HERE WE GO.

HEY, HALLE. HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO MEET-- NO, EVERYBODY SAY THAT.

BE DIFFERENT. BE DIFFERENT. HEY, LOOK, HALLE, LISTEN.

I HEARD ABOUT THATERIC BONNET THING, GIRL.

OH, I DON'T KNOW HER LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIKE THAT. DON'T SAY THAT, DON'T SAY THAT.

OH, I KNOW. CATWOMAN. RARRR! WHAT'S UP?

NO, THAT'S CORNY. DON'T SAY THAT.

DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT EVER IN YOUR LIFE AGAIN.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, FELLAS,

IT DON'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PRACTICE.

WHEN YOU SEE SOMEBODY THAT BEAUTIFUL IN PERSON,

IT NEVER COMES OUT THE WAY YOU REHEARSED.

'CAUSE I WENT TO WORK THE NEXT DAY AND WHEN THEY SAY,

"FINESSE, YOU WANT TO GOSAY HELLO TO HALLE?

SHE'S IN THAT ROOM THERE." AND I WAS LIKE, "BY MYSELF?"

AND THEY WAS LIKE, "YEAH, GO ON IN AND SAY HELLO."

I WAS LIKE "I'M ABOUT TO GO SEE MISS BERRY.

I'M ABOUTTO GO SEE HALLE BERRY."

THEY SAY, "STOP TALKING LIKE A SLAVE AND GO ON IN."

I SAID, "OKAY, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY."

AND I OPENED UP THE DOOR.I WALKED ON IN,

AND THERE SHE WAS SITTING AND SMILING.

SHE GOT UP, WALKED OVER TO ME, PUT HER HAND ON MY ARM.

"HEY, FINESSE. I SAW THE FIRST SHOW.

"YOU WERE GREAT. I CAN'T WAIT TO WORK WITH YOU.

ARE YOU EXCITED? I'M EXCITED."

I WAS LIKE "I WANT TO [BLEEP] YOU. OOH!

OH WAIT A MINUTE. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. COME BACK.

I'M NEW. I'M NEW. IT'S JUST MY SECOND WEEK.

WE DIDN'T HAVE NO ORIENTATION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN SAY AND WHAT I CAN'T SAY.

CATWOMAN. RARRR! YOU KNOW? NO, IT'S TOO LATE. ALL RIGHT.

SO THAT WAS JUST ONE OF MY MANY PROBATIONS.

TOO STAR STRUCK, MAN. NOW-- NOW CHECK THIS OUT.

WE HAD PRINCE ON THE SHOW. I DAMN NEAR LOST MY MIND.

- ANYBODY LOVE PRINCE?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PRINCE WALKING UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAYS.

HIGH HEEL SHOES, HIS HAIR WAS DONE,

I'M LIKE, THAT'S PRINCE!

REMINDED ME OF WHEN I WAS IN MINNEAPOLIS,

I GOT A CHANCE TO SEE HIM ONCE IN CONCERT.

I WAS SO EXCITED, 'CAUSE SOMEBODY GAVE ME A FREE TICKET.

AND THAT'STHE BEST KIND OF TICKET.

SO NOW, YOU KNOW, I'M IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA. LET ME SET THIS UP.

I'M GOING INTO THE TARGET CENTER, RIGHT. I'LL ALL EXCITED,

BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE NERVOUS,

'CAUSE I'M IN THE TENTH ROW. AND AS I LOOK AROUND

THERE'S 16,000 WHITE PEOPLE. AND I'M LIKE, ALL RIGHT.

I CAN DO THIS.THIS IS COOL. ALL RIGHT.

BUT THEN I LOOK UP IN THE UPPER BALCONY

AND I SEE A COUPLE OF BLACK PEOPLE ALL SPRINKLED OUT.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY Y'ALL UP THERE?"

THEY LOOKING AT ME LIKE,HOW THE HELL YOU GET DOWN THERE?

FORGET ALL THAT. CAN YOU GET TO ME IN CASE

SOMETHING GO ON DOWN HERE? I'M THE ONLY ONE DOWN HERE.

I SEE YOU, BROTHER. DO YOU SEE ME?

CAN YOU GET TO ME?ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING? ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I WAS NERVOUS.

'CAUSE WE GOT TO PARTYING AND DANCING AND DRINKING

AND WE HAVING A GOOD TIME. AND YOU KNOW,

I CAN LEAN WITH IT, ROCK WITH IT,

WITH THE BEST OF THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT IT IS HARD TO STAY ON BEAT

WHEN YOU HAVE A DRUNK WHITE PERSON ON THIS SIDE

AND A DRUNK WHITE PERSON ON THAT SIDE.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT BEAT THEY BE LISTENING TO

- WHEN THEY BE--- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S THROWING ME OFF.

BUT WE ALL HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME,

I'M STARTING TO DO IT, TOO. SO I'M LIKE LOOKING AT THEM--

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THE BLACK PEOPLE-- NOW, NOW, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. UH-UH. UH-UH. WAIT A MINUTE.

'CAUSE I'M UP THERE DANCING, I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

AND THE BLACK PEOPLELOOKING DOWN AT ME LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I'M LOOKING UP AT THEM LIKE, "LOOK.

"THIS DANCE IS CONTAGIOUS IN THE GOOD SEATS.

"THIS HOW WE DANCE. I'M DOWN HERE WITH MY PEOPLE.

LEAVE ME ALONE RIGHT NOW. I DON'T NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. WE HAVING A GOOD TIME."

SO I'M PARTYING.AND I KNEW HE WAS DRUNK,

'CAUSE PRINCE WASN'T EVEN ON YET.

THAT'S HOW DRUNK WE WERE.

WE WAS STILL PARTYING TO THE FIRST BAND.

BUT THEN WHENTHE FIRST BAND WENT OFF,EVERYBODY LOST IT.

ELECTRICITY WAS IN THE AIR. THE LIGHTS WENT DOWN.

PEOPLE START CHANTING HIS NAME.

AND THERE'S A THIN LINEBETWEEN EXCITED AND GAY.

BECAUSE I HEARD-- YOU KNOW, I GOT SO EXCITED,

I'M LIKE PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE,

PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE,

PRINCE, PRINCE,PRINCE, PRINCE. PRINCE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OOH, OOH!

PRINCE, PRINCE! OOH, OOH! PRINCE, PRINCE, WHERE YOU AT?

PRINCE, PRINCE, WHERE YOU? WHERE YOU?

YOU LATE. YOU LATE.PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE.

WOO! PRINCE!

PRINCE, PRINCE! WOO!

WOO! HURRY UP, PRINCE!

YOU GOT TO BE IN SHAPE TO BE GAY, HUH?

GODDAMN. WHOO! HURRY UP.

BUT THEN THE LIGHTS WENT DOWN, THE THUNDER.

SMOKE CAME FROM EVERYWHERE.

PRINCE CAME THROUGHTHE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR.

HE DID THAT PRINCE WALKTO THE MICROPHONE,

'CAUSE PRINCE HAVE THAT WALK. YOU KNOW, PRINCE HAD--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND BY NOW, I'M SITTING UP THERE

HOLDING HANDS WITH WHITE PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I'M LIKE, "EEHH!--

WHAT'S THE FIRST SONG, PRINCE? "WHAT'S THE FIRST SONG?"

THAT MAN LOOKEDRIGHT AT ME AND HE SAID,

DA-DUM, "WHY AREN'T YOUIN THE UPPER BALCONY?"

- I WAS LIKE-- "OHHH!" - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

DON'T WAVER. JUST KEEP GOING 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW

- WHERE IT'S GOING TO LEAD YOU.- YOU NEVER KNOW.

- YOU NEVER KNOW.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE I LOOK OUT IN THE CROWD. I SEE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

NOW I KNOW A LOT OF YOUWHEN YOU WERE LITTLE

YOU WANTED TO BE BALLERINAS. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WANTED

TO TAKE BALLET CLASS TO BE A BALLERINA?

IT'S NOT TOO LATE. IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I'M A LITTLE BIT OLDER.I'M A LITTLE BIT FATTER.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.YOU'LL BE THE FIRST OLD,

FAT BALLERINA IN THE GAME. AND THAT'S NEW.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD PAY TO GO SEE THAT. I WOULD.

YOU WANT TO SEE FINESSE MITCHELL DO COMEDY AT THE HUDSON THEATRE?

UH-UH. I HEARD FAT KEESHA IN TOWN DOING BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

I WANT TO GO SEE FAT KEESHA. BUT THAT JUST GOES-- YOU KNOW,

EVERYBODY GOT A DIFFERENT UPBRINGING, YOU KNOW.

MY MOM HAD ME WHEN SHE WAS 15. SO I KNOW THE YOUNGER THE MAMA,

THE MORE JACKED UP YOUR NAME WILL BE.

ME AND MY MOM, WE NEVER GOT ALONG.

NUMBER ONE. WE IN THE SAME AGE GROUP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? SO EVERY SATURDAY MORNING,

WE FIGHTING OVER THE REMOTE CONTROL.

I LIKE THE SUPER FRIENDS, SHE LIKE THE SMURFS.

- I HATED HER. - [LAUGHTER]

I REMEMBER SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE DOING MY HOMEWORK,

AND SHE BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE DOING HER HOMEWORK.

I COULDN'T HELP HER. SHE COULDN'T HELP ME.

WE BE SITTING THERE ALL DAMN NIGHT STRUGGLING.

NEITHER ONE OF US WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY TILL WE WERE FINISHED.

MY TEACHERS WOULD GET MAD AT ME.

"FINESSE, YOU NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK.

"BRING YOUR MOTHER TO THE SCHOOL.

WE WANT TO MEET YOUR MOTHER." "I'M SORRY, MISS GREEN.

"BUT MY MOMMA HAVE HER OWN HOMEWORK PROBLEMS.

SHE DON'T HAVE TIME TO COME UP TO THIS SCHOOL."

"FINESSE, WE WANT TO SEE YOUR MOTHER." I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

SO I TOLD MY MOM, AND THE NEXT DAY,

SHE RODE HER BIKE UP TO THE SCHOOL.

SHE HAD THAT PINK HUFFY. REMEMBER THAT BACK IN THE DAY?

"HEY, MISS GREEN. SORRY I'M LATE.

"I HAD DRILL TEAM PRACTICE. I KNOW MY SON IN TROUBLE.

JUST GO AHEAD AND TELL ME WHAT HE DID."

"WELL, LISTEN, MISS MITCHELL.

"WE'VE BEENASKING FINESSE ALL WEEK.

"HE WILL NOT GIVE US AN ANSWER.

FINESSE, WHO SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"FINESSE, WHO SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE?"

"I DON'T KNOW." MY MOM SAID, "HOLD ON, MISS GREEN.

"LET ME ASK HIM. COME HERE, BOY. BAM!

"NOW, BOY, IF YOU SIGNED THE DAMN THING, TELL HER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I KNOW HIS SIGNATURE. LET ME SEE THE SIGNATURE.

I TELL YOU IF HE SIGN IT. STOP SIGNING--"

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAY THEY DON'T HAVE NO GOOD TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM.

UH-UH, 'CAUSE THEN YOU GOT TO MAKE THAT DECISION WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

YOU COME OUT THE CLUB IN L.A. LIKE, [YAWNS].

YOU BE WALKING TO YOUR CAR.[YAWNS], OKAY.

YOU DO THAT SPEECH. WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS.

GET ME HOME SAFE. GET ME HOME SAFE.

MY KEY IS NOT WORKING.

AND YOU'RE DRUNK, SO YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID.

BAM! YOU BREAK THE GLASS, AND THEN YOU-- WAIT A MINUTE,

THIS AIN'T EVEN MY CAR. OH-OH, OH-OH. OH, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO. GET ME HOME SAFE. GET ME HOME SAFE.

YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNKYOU GOT PULLED BY A COP,

AND BEFORE HE COULD GET OUT HIS CAR, YOU GET OUT OF YOUR CAR

AND GO AND SITIN THE BACK OF HIS CAR?

OH MY GOD. HOW DID YOU KNOW? I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME TO GET ME.

SIR, I WAS ABOUT TO KILLA WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

- I PROMISE YOU. I-- WOO! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HUH? OH, I'M GOING TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO TELL YOU.

I DON'T LIKE THATRACIAL PROFILING STUFF.

BUT YOU WAS RIGHT THIS TIME. YOU MUST BE A CAPTAIN.

ARE YOU A CAPTAIN? WOO! HOW DID YOU KNOW? HUH? THAT'S SMELL?

OH, I PEED ON MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO.

- CAN YOU TAKE ME HOME? - [LAUGHTER]

SO THAT'S WHY I BE WATCHING. WE BE GOING TO THE CLUB.

WE BE SURVEYING THE SCENE AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.

SHE USED TO BE IN A GANG. IT'S KIND OF SEXY WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 'CAUSE WE GROWN NOW,

BUT SHE STILL HAVE THOSE BAD HABITS, YOU KNOW.

I LET HER GOTO THE CLUBS BY HERSELF.I DON'T EVEN STRESSIN'.

NUMBER ONE, SHE WILL WIN ANY FIGHT THAT WE GET IN.

SO IT'S NOT EVEN WORTHTHE ARGUMENT OF SAYING,

WHERE YOU THINK YOU GOING? NOT IN-- NO, NOT HER.

BUT IT'S WHEN SHE COME HOME, SHE BE SO THOUGHTFUL

BUT IT STILL BE A LITTLE THUGGISH.

BABY, I'M ON MY WAY HOME.

BUT I'M IN FRONT OF A 7-ELEVEN RIGHT NOW.

I'M ABOUT TO ROB IT.YOU WANT A SLURPEE OR SOMETHING?

I'M LIKE, YEAH,

AND A HONEY BUN.

BE CAREFUL.

TYPE OF GIRL, SHE LIKE TO TALK JUNK.

FELLAS, YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THEM GIRLS THAT JUST BE

TALKING JUNK TO YOU, CALL YOU ON THE PHONE SAY,

"I'M ON MY WAY OVER AND I'M GOING TO BREAK YOU OFF.

'BREAK YOU OFF.' THAT MEANS SHE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

SO I BE TALKING BACK TO HER. BRING YO ASS OVER HERE.

I'M GONNA BEAT YOU TO SLEEP. THAT MEANS I'M GONNA HAVE

SEX WITH HER REAL HARD, TOO, TILL SHE GETS SLEEPY.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE LOST. YOU JUST LOOKIN' AT ME.

BUT MAN, YOU EVER-- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BUT MAN, YOU EVER WENT,YOU OVER UP-- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

DORIAN.

DORIAN, YOU EVERJUST OVERDO IT,

YOU TRY TO IMPRESS A GIRL TOO MUCH,

YOU KNOW, TRY TO GET READY FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT,

SO YOU TAKE THAT SEX ENHANCING DRUG.

NOT THE VIAGRA, THOUGH. I TOOKTHE ONE THAT STARTED WITH A "C".

WHAT'S THE-- WHAT'S THE-- CIALIS. ALL RIGHT.

- THANK YOU, SIR. CIALIS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT. WELL, MY QUESTION TO YOU IS

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU TAKE THEM, 'CAUSE I TOOK TWO.

I THOUGHT TWO MEANT TWO HOURS.

I DIDN'T KNOW TWO MEANT TWO WEEKS.

AT MY AGE, I WAS-- SO AFTER I TOOK IT,

I WAS REAL EXCITED,'CAUSE I HAD NEVER BEENTHAT BIG IN MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M WALKING AROUND LIKE HITLER. I'M LIKE-- DA, DA, DA, DA...

TAKING PICTURES OF IT WITH MY CAMERA PHONE.

- AND I'M LIKE-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY QUESTION IS, WHAT HAPPEN AFTER YOU TAKE IT AND THE GIRL CAN'T COME OVER?

SHE GOT CAUGHT ROBBING A 7-ELEVEN

AND SHE AIN'T COMING OVER.

AND YOU CAN'T GO TO THE POLICE STATION LIKE THIS. AND IT HAPPENED ON A FRIDAY,

SO SHE WON'T GET OUT TILL MONDAY ANYWAY.

SO YOU KNOW-- THAT'S IF YOU KNOW THE PENAL SYSTEM.

BUT-- ONE DUDE, "YEP, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. YOU GO TO JAIL ON FRIDAY.

THEY WILL SEE YOU ON MONDAY." I'M WALKING AROUND LIKE THIS,

AND I'M ALL EXCITED. BUT AFTER A WHILE,

IT STARTS THROBBING. AND THEN WHEN YOU GOT TO USE THE BATHROOM,

THAT'S NOT EXCITING. THAT'S NOT FUN.

'CAUSE REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE LITTLE,

YOU COULD BEND IT A LITTLE BIT.

BUT YOU CAN'T-- WHEN YOU'S GROWN,

WITH THE CIALIS,WITH A TWO PILL CIALIS,

YOU CAN'T BEND NOTHING.AND THAT'S WHY, FELLAS,

WE NEED TO TAKE GEOMETRY. BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY TIME

YOU WILL NEED A PROTRACTOR AND A COMPASS,

'CAUSE YOU GOT TOBACK UP, RIGHT, FELLAS,

WE BACK UP AND WE MEASURE THE DISTANCE, RIGHT? RIGHT?

AND MY-- NOW, SEE, FOR MINE CURVE TO THE LEFT A LITTLE BIT,

SO I GOT TO SHIFT, YOU KNOW, AND THEN I LET IT GO, AND OH,

YOU PEEING ON THE MIRROR.

SO YOU GOT TO BACK UP A LITTLE BIT.

BUT THEN YOU MOVE IN. IT GET WEAKER, RIGHT?

AND THEN IT SHOOTS OUT, SO YOU GOT TO BACK UP. BACK UP.

BUT THEN YOU MOVE IN, AND YOU MOVE IN.

YOU MOVE INAND SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE.

AND-- FELLAS, IT AIN'T LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER PEED

ON THE FLOOR AND ON THE MIRROR.

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME OUT THE BATHROOM. HEY, BABY. [KISSING SOUND]

- YOU READY? LET'S GO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS TO BE DISRESPECTED IN A RELATIONSHIP.

FELLAS, YOU HEAR ME?THAT'S FROM ME TO Y'ALL.

'CAUSE LADIES WILL SLOWLY BREAK YOU DOWN IN A RELATIONSHIP.

THAT'S HOW THEY DO, RIGHT? HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?

YOU EVER WENT IN THE BATHROOM

AND YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND WAS STILL DOING HER HAIR,

AND Y'ALL 15 MINUTES LATE? YOU'RE LIKE, COME ON.

BUT SHE DON'T EVEN TURN AROUND TO TALK TO YOU.

SHE JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN THERE.

- SHE JUST DOING HER HAIR. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A FLAT IRON. LET ME GET--

LET ME GET THE SISTERS.LET ME GET THE SISTERS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, Y'ALL KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

BUT I'M GOING OFFON A TANGENT, I'M SORRY.

FELLAS, YOU WALK INAND SHE WON'T EVEN TURNAROUND AND LOOK AT--

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS JUST WALKRIGHT BACK OUT THAT BATHROOM.

YOU NEED TO BE A DIFFERENT PERSON.

SHE DON'T RESPECTTHE YOU THAT SHE KNOWS.

SO YOU NEED TO SWITCH UPYOUR GAME A LITTLE BIT.

IF YOU WAS FULLY DRESSED, GO OUT THE BATHROOM AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

AND JUST HAVE YOURWIFE-BEATER TANK TOP ON.

AND IF YOU HAD YOUR PANTS ON, TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF

AND JUST HAVE YOUR BOXER SHORTS ON,

AND PULL YOUR CHURCH SOCKS UP TO YOUR KNEES. PUT SOME FLIP FLOPS ON.

IF YOU HAVE A DO RAG, PUT IT ON.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DO RAG, GET YOU A BLACK FRIEND.

ASK HIM FOR A DO RAG AND PUT IT ON.

IF YOU GOT ONE OF THEMLITTLE BLACK CIGARETTES,

SMOKE ONE OF THOSE.GO BACK IN THE BATHROOM,

JUST LOOK AT HER, YOU KNOW. DON'T SAY NOTHING TO HER,

'CAUSE SHE NOT SAYING NOTHING. YOU JUST STARE AT HER.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE.

SHE JUST-- WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT TO BE SOMEBODY DIFFERENT,

YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING REALLY THUGGISH BUT SEXY

AT THE SAME TIME, RIGHT,THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

- TAKE HER BY THE NECK. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE NECK AREA. JUST SQUEEZE A LITTLE BIT. AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"GIRL, YOU SO FINE AND SEXY. YOU KNOW YOU MAKING US LATE.

"NOW HURRY UP. AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME, I'LL [BLEEP] KILL YOU."

AND THEN LEAVE THE BATHROOM. LEAVE THE BATHROOM.

'CAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS SOMETIMES IN RELATIONSHIPS,

YOU BE TUGGING BACK AND FORTH.

YOU EVER GET INTO A CELL PHONE FIGHT WITH YOU GIRL?

BUT YOU BE IN PUBLIC. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"HUH?" PEOPLE WALKING BY, YOU GOT TO KEEP IT DOWN.

"WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? DON'T EVER LISTEN--

"DON'T EVEN BE LISTENING TO THEM. DON'T-- THAT'S--

"DON'T BELIEVE-- HUH? WAIT. BECAUSE-- 'CAUSE I SAID-- HUH?

"NO, I GOT TO GO. I SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN PICKED UP THE PHONE

IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU GET ON MY NERVES. I HATE YOU."

I'M SORRY, PASTOR. GO AHEAD. WHAT YOU WERE SAYING?

I MESSED UP CHURCH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND IF ANYBODY EVER VISITS NEW YORK,

I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TALK SLOW WHEN YOU COME UP HERE.

YOU CAN EAT SLOW WHEN YOU COME UP HERE.

BUT PLEASE, DO NOT WALK SLOW.

DO NOT WALK SLOW IN NEW YORK CITY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEW YORK CITYHAS THE FASTEST WALKERS IN THE WORLD.

YOU COME OUT HEREWITH YOUR LITTLE CAMERA

AND YOU BE TAKING YOUR LITTLE TIME.

SOMEBODY FROM BROOKLYN COME UP BEHIND YOU

- AND SHANK YOU LIKE YOU ON-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, SON.

OFFICER, I WAS JUST ASSAULTED. WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?

HE HAD ON A BUSINESS SUIT AND TIMBERLANDS.

SOMETIMES I'M SCARED TO COME OF MY HOUSE SOMETIMES.

I'M RIGHT DOWN THERE ON 42nd,

AND THEY GOT ONE OF THOSE REVOLVING DOORS.

AND I SEE PEOPLEWALKING SO FAST,

I DON'T WALK THAT FAST.

AND I JUST BE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL,

JUST WATCHING PEOPLE. AND THEN I SEE AN OPENING. SO IT'S LIKE DOUBLE DUTCH.

I GET EXCITED.I GO, OOH, OKAY.

I SEE IT. I SEE IT. I SEE IT. I SEE--

OKAY, I'M GOING. I'M GOING. I'M GOING.

YO, THAT'S MY TIME. MY NAME IS FINESSE MITCHELL. I REALLY ENJOYED Y'ALL.

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