Wednesday, June 24, 2015

  • 06/24/2015

Cameron Esposito, Hampton Yount and Todd Barry offer #3WordFashionAdvice, advertise their all-access livestreams and suggest new terms for female masturbation.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

TODAY ON TWITTER, LOUISIANAGOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL OFFICIALLY

ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY TO COMEIN LAST FOR THE G.O.P.

PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION.

HE DID THIS IN A VERY BIZARREWAY, WHICH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

SAW IT, BUT HE BASICALLY POSTED

A "SECRETLY" RECORDED VIDEO OFHIM BREAKING THE

NEWS TO HIS FAMILY.

WATCH.

>> MOMMY AND DADDY TALKED A LOTABOUT THIS.

WE HAVE DECIDED WE ARE GOING TORUN.

>> THIS IS A GREAT MESSAGE TOSEND TO THE COUNTRY. "I HAVE MY

IMMEDIATE FAMILY UNDER CONSTANTSURVEILLANCE."

THIS IS A VERY BORINGANNOUNCEMENT.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS PLAYED OUTTHE WAY THEY WANTED IT TO.

I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING TOHAPPEN, ANYTHING TO HAPPEN.

I THINK THIS IS-- THIS SORT OFLOOKS LIKE A FOUND FOOTAGE FILM

SO I THINK THEY COULD HAVE DONETHIS WITH IT.

>> MOMENT AND DADDY HAVE BEENTHINKING AND TALKED ABOUT IT.

>> MOMENT AND DADDY HAVE BEENTHINKING AND TALKED ABOUT IT.

>> CHRIS: HOW MUCH MORE FUN ISTHAT?

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR"@MIDNIGHT" DIGITAL POD FOR

WHIPPING THAT UP OUT OF NOWHERE.COMEDIANS WE CALLED THIS

"PARAJINDAL ACTIVITY"

BUT THERE'S GOT TO BEANOTHER NAME FOR THIS EXCITING

HORROR MOVIE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MIGHT BECAMERON ESPOSITO?

>> I THINK IT MIGHT BE "SILENCEOF THE FAM."

>> CHRIS: YES, PERFECT. POINTS.

POINTS.

>> VERY MUCH LIKE "IT PUTS THEBUTTON ON ITS BLAZER."

>> CHRIS: HAMPTON.

>> THE EXOR-SYTEMATICALLYREMOVING WOMEN'S RIGHTS FOR

DECADES.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS,VERY SCARY.

( APPLAUSE )MOVING ON, THIS PICTURE FROM

IMGUR WAS MAKING THE INTERNETROUNDS THIS WEEK.

NEW T.S.A. REGULATIONS.

JUST MAKING SURE BABIES AREN'TSMUGGLING BOMBS.

HONESTLY, I LOOK AT THIS-- LIKEI NEVER-- LIKE, NEVER--

SOMETHING SO CUTE HAS NEVER MADEME SO NERVOUS BEFORE.

IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE ALL OF ASUDDEN THE BABY IS JUST GOING TO

GO-- AND JUST DISAPPEAR.

THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK ITIS.

TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON WITHTHE PHOTOGRAPH.

CAMERON?

>> AS YOU KNOW, I'M A LESBIAN,AND THIS IS HOW MY FUTURE WIFE

AND I ARE GOING TO MAKE OURCHILDREN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

AMAZING!

THIS IS ACTUALLY-- THIS BABY ISNOT BEING JUICED OR ANYTHING.

THAT'S A PEDIATRICIMMOBILIZATION DEVICE CALLED THE

PIGG-O-STAT WHICH KEEPS BABIESSTILL DURING X-RAYS. BUT

WHILE YOU'RE HERE, COMEDIANS,CAN YOU COME UP WITH A BETTER

NAME FOR A PEDIATRICIMMOBILIZATION DEVICE

THAN PIGG-O-STAT?

>> STOP MOVING!

>> CHRIS: IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE"#HASHTAGWARS."

AN AUSTRALIAN LADY WORE SKINNYJEANS SO TIGHT THEY CAUSED HER

ACTUAL NERVE DAMAGE.

NOW, I ASK YOU WITH THE UTMOSTSINCERITY,

GUUURRL, HOW YOU GET IN THEMJEANS?

>> SHE WAS SQUATTING FOUR HOURSAS SHE HELPED A RELATIVE MOVE.

HER POSITION, TOGETHER WITHTHOSE TIGHT JEANS, LED TO WHAT'S

CALLED COMPARTMENT SYNDROME.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'SWRONG-- OW, OW! OH MY BALLS.

>> THAT IS NOT THE ONLY PART OFHER OUTFIT I OBJECT TO.

SHE IS ALSO WEARING ASHORT-SLEEVED ANGORA SWEATER.

THAT'S STUPID AS ( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: EVERYTHING ABOUT THATIS WRONG.

TONIGHT, WE'RE DOING OUR PART TOPREVENT FURTHER FASHION-RELATED

TRAUMAS WITH THE HASHTAG WAR#3WORDFASHIONADVICE.

SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:HELLO, TURTLENECKS, OBVIOUSLY.

OR WHATEVER CEE LO'S WEARING.

OR SOCKS, SANDALS, SUCCESS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK RIGHT NOW AND BEGIN.

CAMERON.

>> FULL-BODY SPANX.

>> JIZZ-RESISTANT CAPES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> BEDAZZLED KNEE PADS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> DATE NIGHT DIAPERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CAMERON.

>> SHAPE THOSE PUBES, SHAPETHEM.

>> CHRIS: TODD.

>> TUXEDO WITH CROCS. >>CHRIS: POINTS. HAMPTON.

>> MORMON FACIAL PAJAMAS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( LAUGHTER )THIS IS SO YOU CAN'T ( BLEEP )

MY FACE.

>> IT'S A NO-GO.

HAMPTON.

>> GRANDMA'S PUBIC SWEATER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SO IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO COME INGRAY.

( LAUGHTER )>> FEMALE DADBOD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

TODD.

>> THAT STAIN'S FINE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "[BLANK] HADME LIKE..."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )GUYS, ANTICIPATING THIS NEXT

GAME HAD ME LIKE....

YUP.

THAT WAS FROM MY "SINGLED OUT"AUDITION TAPE.

COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TO GIVEYOU A PHOTO FROM A "HAD ME LIKE"

TWEET, AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOUHAVE TO FILL IN THE BLANK WITH

WHAT HAD YOU LIKE THAT.

FIRST ONE.

FIRST ONE.

RIGHT HERE.

TODD BARRY.

>> FINDING OUT THERE'S A40-MINUTE WAIT AT OUTBACK

STEAKHOUSE HAD ME LIKE...

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YOU KNOW, THE BLOOMIN' ONION.

HAMPTON.

>> SNIFFING AIR BUD'S BOOTY HADME LIKE...

( APPLAUSE )NEVER MEET YOUR HEROES.

>> GETTING CATCALLED BY ADUDE WHILE I'M WEARING A BOWTIE

HAD ME LIKE...

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> YOU SHOULD BE.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE: HAMPTON.

>> WHITE PETER PARKERS HAD MELIKE...

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OFTHEM.

NEXT ONE: OH, NO!

CAMERON.

>> I FEEL LIKE IT'S OH, YES.

>> CHRIS: WHAT?

REALLY?

>> YEAH, THAT TO ME-- WELL, MINEIS ALEX AND PIPER'S SEX SCENES

FROM "ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK"HAD ME LIKE...

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: TODD BARRY

>> GOING TRICK OR TREATING ANDONLY GETTING ORANGE TIC-TACS

HAD ME LIKE...

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )OH, CHARLES E. CHEESE, WHAT HAVE

YOU BECOME?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TOGO TO A CHUCK E. CHEESE UNLESS

YOU GOT A KID WITH YOU.

HOW ( BLEEP ) DUMB IS THAT?

IT'S GOOD TO KEEP OUT THESICKOS.

WHAT IF YOU'RE A PERSON WHO JUSTLIKES TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND

JUMP IN BALL PITS?

WHAT'S WRONG?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I MEAN, YOU KNOW I JUST GOTTA GO

RENT A KID NOW.

IS THAT BETTER?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> WE CAN BOTH PASS FORTEENAGED BOYS.

I THINK IF WE GO TOGETHER, WEWILL GET IN.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.>> OH YOU KIDS HAVE FUN.

NEXT ONE: JESUS CHRIST!

HAMPTON.

>> BEING REJECTED BY THE X-MENHAD ME LIKE...

( APPLAUSE )>> FACE TUMMY, IT'S YOU!

>> EATING A FOURTH BOWL OFRAISIN BRAN HAD ME LIKE...

( APPLAUSE )>> THE SPOON GOES RIGHT IN THE

BELLY.>> CHRIS: RIGHT IN THERE.

>> HERE YOU GO.

THAT'S THE NEXT LEVEL.

>> AND HE RUBS HIS FACE.

>> CHRIS: AND HE JUST SQUEEZESTHE MILK OUT OF--

>> NO, NO!

>> NO!

>> WHY NOT?

>> THAT'S AGAINST GOD!

>> CHRIS: SORRY, DIDN'T MEANTO GIVE YOU GUYS SO MANY BONERS.

NEXT ONE, HIS WETNESS.

HAMPTON.

>> ENDING OF "MARLEY AND ME" HADME LIKE...

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> I KNOW!

>> CHRIS: TODD BARRY.

>> ONLY HAVING SEX WITH FOURGROUPIES AFTER A GAME HAD ME

LIKE...

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: YEAH...

IT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME WHENYOU'RE A STAND-UP, IS IT?

>> SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: TODD BARRY'S ON PUSSY

CLEANUP.

( APPLAUSE )FINALLY, THESE GUYS, THESE GUYS:

TODD.

>> MY DOUCHEBAG MULTIPLIER APPHAD ME LIKE...

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. HAMPTON.

>> GETTING REPLACED BY MARKYMARK IN ALL THE TRANSFORMERS

MOVIES HAD ME LIKE...

>> CHRIS: NO, NO, NO!

NO, NO, NO!

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A WEBSITE CALLED

REALLIFECAM.COM THAT'S STREAMINGTHE LIVES OF TEN EUROPEAN

COUPLES TO THE VIEWING PUBLIC.

GOT TO PAY A LITTLE BIT MORE IFYOU WANT TO SEE WHAT GOES ON

BEHIND THE NASTY DOORS.

I ASKED YOU TO TELL PEOPLE WHYTHEY SHOULD CHECK OUT YOUR

LIVE STREAM.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.CAMERON ESPOSITO.

>> WATCH MY LIVE STREAM TO SEEWHAT LESBIANS REALLY DO

TOGETHER, (BLEEP) ALL OVER THEHOUSE IN A VERY SATISFYING WAY

WITH NO CONSEQUENCES.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

( APPLAUSE )HAMPTON YOUNT.

>> ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF"HAMPTON" HAMPTON REUNITES WITH

HIS ESTRANGED FATHER AND IF YOUFREEZE IT AT NINE MINUTES YOU

CAN READ HIS HBOGO PASSWORD.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: YOUR LIVESTREAM IS

MORE LIKE AN 80S COP SHOW.

>> HAMPTON, YOU'RE OFF THEFORCE.

>> CHRIS: NO, YOU'RE OFF THEFORCE.

BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH.

>> WHY SHOULD YOU WATCH MYLIVESTREAM? BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER

SEEN THE INSIDE OF AN 11-BEDROOMAPARTMENT BEFORE.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME, THE

PLEASURE IS MINE.

( APPLAUSE )LET'S SLOW IT DOWN, BECAUSE THIS

STORY IS FOR THE LADIES.

THANK YOU, LADY.

( CHEERS )MADAM, PLEASE!

THIS IS A FAMILY PROGRAM!

AND FAMILIES COME FROM( BLEEP ).

SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

THE SWEDISH ASSOCIATION FORSEXUALITY EDUCATION LAUNCHED A

COMPETITION TO FIND A NEW WORDFOR FEMALE MASTURBATION AND ONE

BUZZWORD BUZZED ITS WAY TO A BIGFINISH.

THE WINNING WORD TO DO THATTHING THAT YOU DO AFTER YOUR

BOYFRIEND FALLS ASLEEP BECAUSEYOU'RE NOT SATISFIED IS CALLED

KLITTRA, KLITTRA.

COMBINATION OF CLITORIS ANDGLLITER.

BUT IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE ATHUNDERCAT.

THE MOST ELUSIVE AND SENSITIVEOF THE THUNDERCATS.

COME UP WITH MORE TERMS FORFEMALE MASTURBATION.

LET'S POPULATE IT SO IT'S NOTJUST ONE WORD.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

CAMERON.

>> GOING ALL HILLARY ON YOURBILL OF RIGHTS.

>> THE CLITTYS-BURG ADDRESS.

>> SWIFFING THE PINK TILE FLOOR.

>> HOME ALONING.

>> DJING YOUR OWN PANTS PARTY.

>> CHANNING MY TATUM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> THANK YOU.

>> CHRIS: JUST SAYING IT MAKESMASTURBATING MOOT.

THEY ALL JUST (BLEEP).

CAMERON.

>> OR PUT SOME MAGIC ON YOURMIKE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CAMERON.

>> WINNING THE WOMEN'S WORLDCUP.

>> CHRIS: YES!

SO GOOD!