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Crossing the Line

A drunk hobo faces off against six gorillas, a group of friends plots revenge on Gary, and Mr. There's Got To Be A Better Way tries to solve world hunger. (21:08)

- WE'RE HEARINGTHAT THE FIRST MINER

IS ABOUT TO BE PULLED UP.

- [clucking]

- [gasps]

IT APPEARS WE HAVEA LITTLE VISITOR.

[chuckles]JUST ZOOM IN ON THAT.

- EXCUSE ME?

AREN'T YOU GOINGTO INTERVIEW ME?

WHY ARE YOU FILMINGTHIS DISGUSTING CHICKEN?

- [sobbing]

- HE'S GONNA KILL HIMSELF!- [gasps]

TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAIDTO THE CHICKEN.

- BUT HE'S JUST A CHICKEN.

- YOU HURTHIS LITTLE ANIMAL FEELINGS.

- [sighs]

CHICKEN,PLEASE DO NOT POISON YOURSELF.

[all sigh in relief]

'CAUSE I AM 12 DAYS HUNGRY!

- [clucks angrily]

- IF HE FALLS IN,HE'LL DISINTEGRATE.

- [clucking angrily]

- CHICKEN,I AM DEEPLY SORRY.

- [clucks]

[onlookers sigh in relief]

- THAT YOU ARE AS STUPIDAS YOU LOOK.

- [clucking angrily]

[onlookers gasp]

[news theme music]

- THE BROADCASTJUST WENT WORLDWIDE.

WE CAN NOT HAVEA CHICKEN FRY HIMSELF

WHILE THE WORLD IS WATCHING.

[electricity sparking]

- [clucking erratically]

- SENOR CHICKEN, I AMVERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY,

VERY SORRY.

- [clucks]

- DON'T TELL YOU,TELL THE WORLD?

I WAS STUCK IN A MINEAND FEARED FOR MY LIFE,

BUT I AM NOT THE ONEYOU SHOULD GRIEVE FOR.

EVERYONE SHOULD LOOKTO SENOR CHICKEN.

HE IS THE TRUE HERO.

[all sigh in relief]

- THAT'S THE MONEY SHOT.

[tires screech]

- [clucks]

- YOU WANT TO SHAKE MY HAND?

[chuckles]

I WOULD BE HONORED.

AH, POR QUE?

- [clucks]

TO FINALLY SEE HER AGAIN.

[sighs]

LILLY.

- [giggling]

- OH!

WOW.

WHAT ARE THOSE?

- HI, BILLY.

FUN AND NEW.

YOU WANT TO COME OUTAND PLAY WITH US?

- BOOBS.

BOOBS.

BOOBS!

- I'M BACK!

- OH, GOD.

IF WALLS COULD HAVE BABIES,

THIS WOULD BE CHINA.

DUDE, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

- LILLY'S NEW BOOBS!- WHAT WERE THEY?

WERE THEY, LIKE, "BEE STINGS"

OR WERE THEY, LIKE,FULL-ON WATERMELONS?

- I WANT TO SEE HER BOOBS.NO, I WANT TO SEE ALL BOOBS.

NO, I WISH I COULD SEEALL BOOBS ALL THE TIME!

- JIZZAM!

[ethereal music]

- WE'RE PERKY.

- WE'RE BOUNCY.

- WE'RE SUSPICIOUSLYSYMMETRICAL.

- THIS IS THE BEST DAYOF MY LIFE!

NOTHING CAN RUIN THIS!

- BILLY, YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH.

- NO!

- [laughing wickedly]

BILLY, REMEMBERWHEN WE USED TO FEED YOU?

[slurping]

DID I TELL YOUI GOT NIP RINGS?

- [moaning]- [chuckling]

I KNOW.HOW 'BOUT THAT?

- [yelling]

- DON'T FORGETTO DRINK YOUR MILK.

- WHEN BOOBS HAVE LOSTTHEIR MAGIC,

HOW IS LIFE WORTH LIVING?

- OH, IT ISN'T.

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKETO INTRODUCE YOU

TO INTERNET PORN...

[shimmering tone]

WHERE THE COMBINATIONSOF BODY PARTS AND HOLES

AND PENISES ARE AS LIMITLESSAS YOUR IMAGINATION.

- [grunting]

[moaning]

[groans]

I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHINGANYMORE.

- BUT AWESOME BOOBS, RIGHT?

- I DON'T WANTTO LIVE THIS WAY.

I WISH I WEREN'TSO DESENSITIZED.

- JIZZAM.

- [sobbing]

- LILLY?WHAT'S WRONG?

- ALL THE BOYS WON'T STOPSTARING AT MY BOOBS.

- BUT YOU'RE MORETHAN JUST YOUR LOOKS.

YOU'RE SMART AND COOL AND--

- AND THE A.C.'SON FULL BLAST.

- BOOBS!

JUST SITTING THERE,READING HIS MENU LIKE A JERK.

- YEAH, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS,THE KING OF FRANCE?

READING A MENU.

- WE'RE GONNA PRANK THAT IDIOTSO HARD

HE'LL PEE-PEE HIS PANTS.

- OH, YES.

REVENGE WILL BE OURS.

- I STILL DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY I HAVE TO BE THE WAITER.

- WH--DUDE,YOU'RE A NATURAL WAITER.

- YEAH,YOU'VE GOT A SERVANT'S FACE.

- I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.

- THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU,I TRIED TO ORDER SOME POPPERS.

- DO WE REALLY EVEN NEEDA WAITER?

- WE'VE GONE OVER THIS100 TIMES.

WE HAVEA FINELY TUNED REVENGE PLAN

THAT INVOLVES A WAITER.

- WE NEED A STUPID WAITER.

YOU'RE THE STUPID WAITER.IT'S DONE.

- I GUESS I'M NOT SUREHOW THIS IS EVEN A PRANK.

I STILL SAY SIMPLY THROWINGA GLASS OF WATER

IN HIS FACE--- HE DOESN'T GET IT.

- YEAH, HE'S NOT GONNA GET IT.

THERE'S NOTHING GOING ONBEHIND THOSE EYES.

- DO YOU HAVE YOUR FAKE MUSTACHEOR NOT?

- DANA,DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

- CONGRATULATIONS.

ALL RIGHT, REVENGE TIME.

LET'S ROLL.

- EXCUSE ME.

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?

- OH, HELLO.YES, THANK YOU.

I AM READY TO ORDER.

I WILL HAVE THE EGG--

- [yells]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,THIS IS A ROBBERY.

- DUDE, THAT WAS MY LINE.

- YOU WERE TERRIBLEIN REHEARSAL.

EVERYONE GET YOUR HANDSIN THE AIR,

AND THEN GET YOUR MONEYINTO YOUR HANDS

THAT ARE IN THE HANDSIN THE AIR!

- RIGHT,AND I WAS BAD IN REHEARSAL.

- JUST PUT EVERYTHINGIN THE AIR!

- I'M TAKING A HOSTAGE.

UH, YOU!

TUBBO! STAND UP!- NO, PLEASE.

- STUPID WAITER, GIVE MEALL THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER,

OR WE WILL SHOOT THIS FAT,WORTHLESS SACK OF CRAP.

- OH, PLEASE, NO.

- I GOT AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER.

- I'M SORRY.

I'M TOO STUPIDTO OPERATE THE REGISTER.

- WHAT?COME ON, MAN, PLEASE.

- FINE, THEN JUST GIVE MEALL THE MONEY IN YOUR POCKETS,

OR I'M GONNA PAINT THE WALLSWITH THIS GUY'S SKULL

AND HIS BRAINSAND HIS STUPID HAIR.

- ALL I'VE GOT IS $3.25,

BUT I NEED IT FOR THE BUS.

- PLEASE JUST GIVE HIMTHE MONEY.

- WHOA!

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

IS THATTHIS DISGUSTING SLOB'S LIFE

IS NOT EVEN WORTH $3.25?

- NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.

- WHAT?- OKAY, FINE.

THEN I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

- PLEASE,I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS.

- GET READY TO DIE, DUMMY!

- [sobbing]

- HA!GARY PISSED HIS PANTS!

TOTALLY CALLED IT.

- WHAT?HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

- BECAUSE IT'S US, YOU JERK.

[both laugh]

- DANA? ANDY?

WHAT ARE YOU--WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

- JUST YOUR CLASSIC"FAKE STICKUP IN A COFFEE SHOP,

MAKE A GUY PISS HIS PANTSIN PUBLIC" REVENGE PRANK!

- SUCK IT, GARY!WHOO!

[bells jingle]

[tires screech]

WHOO!

- WOW.WHAT A FANTASTIC PLAN.

- VERY REALISTIC. I WAS SCARED.- ME TOO.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T PISS MY PANTSLIKE THAT UGLY LOSER, BUT...

- AND I'VE NEVER SEENSUCH A STUPID WAITER.

- ♪ SUCK IT, GARY

BUT THEY'RE DOING THEIR BEST.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID--HE SAID--

THEY ALL SAID--WE ALL SAID--

WITH THE SHRIMP AND A RIB.HEY, THERE, SHRIMP. SHRIMP.

- HEY, KIDDIES,TIME FOR VERSUS.

- VERSUS.

- EVERYBODY KNOWSYOU GOT MY SPATS ON.

[grunts]

MM, FREE DRUG.

[tires screech]

- WELCOME, COMBATANT.

CHOOSE WEAPON:

ASSAULT RIFLE,

CHAIN SAW,

MALT LIQUOR, 40 OUNCES.

- HMM, I'M GONNA NEEDTO MAKE CHOICES NOW.

I ALWAYS MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

- CHOOSE ARMOR:

CHAIN MAIL,

KEVLAR SUIT,

BARBECUE SAUCE.

- [belches]

BARBECUE SAUCE!

[laughing]

[sputtering]

MMM, YEAH.

GOOD SAUCES.

- [clears throat]

THIS WEEK'S COMBATANTS:

DRUNK HOBO SLATHERED

IN BARBECUE SAUCE

VERSUS

SIX GORILLAS.

- HMM, CROCODILES.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

BURN.

[groaning]

- UGH!- DUDE.

- [groaning]

MM, MM-HMM.

WHEW--OH.

OH, COME ON NOW.JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.ENOUGH.

LIGHT HIM UP.

- FRISBEE.

[machine gun firing]

- [screaming]

- FRISBEE!

[gunfire]

[shouts]I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!

I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!

- NO ESTA AQUI.

- FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF SWEET,SAVORY, HICKORY BARBECUE SAUCE.

- TIPTOE, TIPTOE, TIPTOE.

- ADONDE VA?

[ropes creaking]

- [yells]

- THIS IS THE END OF ME.

- SNEAKY LIKE A NINJA.- A LOG?

[grunting]

- [grunting]

- [babbling]

[blades whirring]

[both grunting]

- YOU GO AHEAD, SIR.

I'VE GOT THIS.

BURY THE FEAR INSIDE.

BURY THE FEARINSIDE.

[wails]

- [panting]

[grunts]

POR FAVOR,DON'T KILL ME.

[sniffing]

YOU SMELL ENCHANTING.

[romantic ballad]

[purrs]

- I FINALLY KNOW LOVE.

- ♪ I WANT TO BELIEVE

♪ THAT WE CAN LAST FOREVER

- I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

WINNER: LOVE.

- ♪ I WANT TO BELIEVE

♪ THAT WE CAN LA--

I'M MR.THERE'S-GOT-TO-BE-A-BETTER-WAY.

I'VE MADE BILLIONSFINDING PROBLEMS

AND SELLING SOLUTIONS,

SO I STARTED THIS CHARITY.

NOW I SOLVETHE WORLD'S PROBLEMS,

THE BIGGER, THE BETTER.

- [clears throat]

UH, MAYBE I COULD HELP TOO.

- YEAH, I DON'T THINK SO.YOU'RE JUST A JANITOR.

- TRUE, I MAY BEA LOWLY JANITOR, BUT--

- YOU'RE A TEMP. YOU'RE NOT--- YEAH, YEAH.

- "TEMP" JANITOR.THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT KEEP IN MIND,I HAVE TWO DEGREES:

A MASTER'SIN COMPLEX MATH PROBLEMS

AND A DOCTORATE IN THE TOUGHESTCHEMISTRY THERE IS, SO...

- RIGHT, I SEE THAT.- FRAMED.

GREAT, WELL,I CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.

SO DOES ANYONEHAVE A PROBLEM HERE?

- WHEN I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH

MY FAVORITE MAGAZINETHIS MORNING,

CIGAR CHOMPER...

MMM, THAT'S A YUMMY CIGAR.

YES, THAT'S ME ON THE COVER.- VERY HANDSOME.

- LOOK INSIDE HERE.

I SAW THIS PHOTOOF A STARVING CHILD.

- OH.- LOOK AT THIS KID.

LOOK AT HIM!- YEAH, I DON'T GET IT.

THERE'S ALL THIS FOOD,

BUT NOT EVERYONEIS GETTING TO EAT.

THERE'S GOT TO BEA BETTER WAY.

- WELL, YOU GUYS ARE ALL EATING,SO YOU FIGURED SOMETHING OUT.

MARILYN,WHAT ARE YOU CHOMPING ON?

- OH, I'M ON THIS SPECIAL DIET

BECAUSE IT'S MY TIMEOF THE MONTH.

NO PUN INTENDED.

AND I'M EATING A--

- THERE WAS NO PUN THERE.- THAT'S NOT A PUN.

- I DIDN'T GET A PUN.

- I'M EATING A VAGINATION VAGINA MONOLOGUES ENERGY BAR,

AND IT IS AWESOME.

- JACK, WHAT DO YOU GOT IN--

SLOPPING IN YOUR MOUTHOVER THERE?

- UM, THIS IS A--

IT'S WHAT THEY CALL

A BURGY-BURGY CHICK BURGER.

IT'S A CHICKEN BURGER WITHTWO BEEF BURGERS AS THE BUN.

SO IT'S--IT'S GOOD.- DOES IT FILL YOU UP?

- YOU KNOW WHAT,IT DOESN'T DO THE TRICK, BUT--

- YOU NEED TO TOP IT OFF.

- YEAH, I TOP IT OFF WITH RANCHAND THEN SOME--

- IS THAT WHAT THAT BUCKET IS?

- YEAH, A BUCKET OF RANCH.

- YOU'RE NOT CLEANING.

- NO, IT'S JUST A BUCKETOF RANCH I USE--

- WHY ARE YOU DIPPINGYOUR MOP INTO IT?

- IT'S A TO-GO MOP.

[chomps]

[slurping]

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