share

July 29, 2016 - Cory Booker

  • 07/29/2016
  • views: 0

On The Daily Show's final night at the DNC in Philadelphia, The Best F#@king News Team reviews the week's speeches, and Cory Booker discusses Hillary Clinton's campaign. (21:30)

Let's get straight into it.Last night was officially

the end of the DemocraticNational Convention,

and, uh, Hillary was excited

that she was finallythe nominee,

and, uh, Bill Clintonwas just as excited

that there were balloons.

Look how happy he is.

He looks high.

Look at his face.

Look at his face--he's like, "I...

"I can't believeall these balloons...

Wow, the blue ones and the..."

He's so excited.

And you know what,you know what,

after recent events in the news

and the negative rhetoricof the conventions,

you know, especiallyin Cleveland, we...

I feel like we all need balloonsin our life, you know?

Yeah, that... BecauseI understand Bill Clinton.

There's no situation in whicha balloon is a negative thing.

Balloons bring outthe best in us.

We laugh,we feel like kids again.

In fact, in fact,maybe instead of dropping bombs

in the Middle East,maybe America should try

dropping balloonsjust once. Just once.

-See what happens.-(cheering, applause)

Yeah, because, like,what do you have to lose?

What do you have to lose? I beteven militants would be like,

"We must destroy America...Oh, look-- balloons, balloons!

"Balloons! I'm going tomake a bunny.

I'm going to make a bunny."

Yeah, and then that wayif America misses its target,

it's not gonna besuch a bad thing. You know?

You'd be watching, like,the BBC News and they'd be like,

"Today, 42 civilianswere senselessly cheered up

by an American balloon strike."

(cheering, applause)

It's different ways.

And I will tell you,I will tell you,

there is someone who needsballoons in his life--

Donald Trump.Because at the DNC,

Michael Bloomberg droppeda Donald Trump diss track.

Trump says he wantsto run the nation

like he's running his business?God help us.

I'm a New Yorker

and I know a con when I see one.

Truth be told,

the richest thingabout Donald Trump

is his hypocrisy.

Right, so-so we covered thison the show yesterday.

And one of the biggestdiscussions

of this election year has been

does Donald Trump have thetemperament to be president?

Because being a president--especially of a nation

in control of nuclear weapons--

requires that you havemeasured responses.

As a leader of democracy,you can't just lose your (bleep)

at the slightest provocation.

It appears, though,

Cinnamon Hitlerdidn't get the memo.

Because...

after watching that speech,

he responded like this.

I wanted to hit a coupleof those speakers so hard.

I would have hit them...No, no.

I was gonna hit them so...I was all set,

and then I got a call froma highly-respected governor.

"How's it going, Donald?"

I said, "Well, it's going good,but they're really saying

bad things about me.I'm gonna them so hard."

I was gonna hit one guy inparticular-- a very little guy--

I was gonna hit this guyso hard his head would spin,

he wouldn't knowwhat the hell happened.

You can bait Donald Trumpinto anything.

Hey Donald, I bet your hands aretoo small to give me a hand job.

And he'd be like, "Oh, yeah?Drop those pants.

"Drop those pants.

"Your orgasm's gonna be huge.

"Your... Gimme your...Your orgasm's gonna be huge.

-Huge."-(cheering, applause)

Oh, and by... and by the way,

actually, that-that wassomething I noticed

watching Donald Trump.Watch him when he speaks--

it-it looks likehe's always... he's always

jacking off two tiny penises

when he speaks.

Just watch out for that.

(cheering, applause)

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Thanks, Trevor.

What a historic week.

For the first timein American history,

a presidential nomineewas told to smile more.

And now that the euphoria

around the DemocraticNational Convention

has slightly subsided,let's take a minute

to analyze some of the speechesfrom this week.

Wall Street, corporations,and the super rich

are going to start payingtheir fair share of taxes.

When more than 90% of the gains

have goneto the top one percent,

that's where the money is.

And we are goingto follow the money!

(cheering and applause)

Now, quick side note,

Follow the Moneyis also a sex game

that Donald plays with Melania.

(à la Donald): "You never knowwhere the money will lead."

(à la Melania): "Butit always leads same place."

Now, Hillary saysthat 90% of income gains

have goneto the top one percent,

and that statistic was true

in the first yearsafter the recession.

But not anymore.If we look at the latest data,

only 52% of income

now goes to the richestone percent of the population.

So Hillary's claimis partly true,

because,while this situation is bad,

it's not as badas it was in 2012.

So I give it Lindsey Lohan'sdrinking problem.

-(cheering and applause)-Yeah.

Mmm.

Now, let's move on to everyone'scoolest social studies teacher,

Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Washington works greatfor those at the top.

When giant ta... companies

wanted more tax loopholes,Washington got it done.

Now, Elizabeth Warrenis accusing Congress

of working with big businessto pax... pass tax loopholes,

and she knows all about that,because she supported

a tax loophole that helpedmedical device companies

in her state.

So even though Warren's claimis true,

she's complainingabout something

and pretendinglike she's not in on it.

So she deserves a Taylor Swift.

(cheering and applause)

Sorry.

Next up,like a well-to-do gay couple,

let's move to Chelsea.

Our son, Aidan,is five and a half weeks old,

-and...-(cheering and applause)

we are so thankful

that he's healthy and thriving.

And, well,we're a little biased,

but we think he's just aboutthe cutest baby in the world.

Aw!

That is a cute baby.

But is it the cutest babyin the world?

No. My baby is.

-(cheering and applause)-Yeah.

Finally, we move on to oneof the most remarkable speakers

of the week,First Lady Michelle Obama.

Don't let anyone ever tell youthat this country isn't great,

that somehow we need to make itgreat again,

because this, right now,

is the greatest countryon Earth.

The greatest country on Earth.

This one's tough. Technically,America is 36th in math,

27th in literacy,and 41st in life expectancy.

But the first ladyspecifically said "right now,"

which meant right then,

the moment Michelle Obamawas speaking.

And, yeah, during that nonstopmike-drop of a speech,

America was the greatest countryon Earth.

-(cheering and applause)-Yeah.

So...

this statement is true

but only in the exact momentit was said.

Like saying "I love you"mid-orgasm.

Trevor?

Thank you, Desi.Desi Lydic, everybody.

Now, now, there have beena lot of narratives...

there have been a lotof narratives coming out

of this week's DNC.And, uh, for help figuring out

the real story, we're joined now

by Senior PoliticalCorrespondents Jordan Klepper,

Hasan Minhaj, and Adam Lowitt,everybody!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you so much, gentlemen,for being here.

Uh, Jordan,you've been watching all week.

What's the best way to sum upthe Clinton campaign?

Trevor, let me put this in a way

Philadelphianscan identify with.

Hillary Clinton proved this week

that she isjust like Rocky Balboa.

Do you have, uh, Rocky in Africa?

Of course we have Rocky in Africa, Jordan.

We've had itfor, like, three years.

Perfect.

So, think about it.

Hillary and Rocky are both leftyscrappers who get no respect.

They both have an old guywho used to criticize them

but is now rightin their corner.

And now Hillary is goingto train hard, earn our support,

and prove she's the onewho can go the distance.

-(humming Rocky theme)-Jor-Jordan. Jordan.

Jordan. Jordan. Jordan.

Jordan! Jordan.

Jordan!

You realize Rocky loses.

Does he?

I never get pastthe training montage.

I just get so jazzed, I jump up,

do, like, 20 jumping jacks,and pass out.

All right. You know what,that was very unhelpful.

Uh, let's go to Hasan Minhajright now, everybody.

Uh, Hasan,what is your take on Hillary?

Trevor,I got to disagree with Jordan.

Hillary Clinton is not Rocky.

She's Rocky II. She got beatby the black guy last time,

and now she is ready forher second shot at the title.

Yeah. Yeah.

Despite setbacks and the smearcampaign being run against her,

this time,she will beat the odds and win.

(humming Rocky theme)

Guys, guys, guys,guys, guys, stop!

Guys, stop! Stop!

Stop, please!

Come on.Have some control.

Let's go to Adam Lowitt now.

Uh, Adam,thank you for joining us.

Hopefully, you can add somesubstance to this conversation.

Yeah, with pleasure.

Look, I'm sorry,this pandering is ridiculous.

All right?

Come on, crowbarring Hillary

into some dumb,old boxing movie narrative

just 'causewe're in Philadelphia?

You know what, Adam, I'm gladthat you see it this way.

So, how would you sum upHillary's campaign?

Easy.

It's Rocky III.

Hillary is richand overconfident,

and she's gonna lose in an upsetto an angry bully

with weird hairwho everyone calls Mr. T.

Rocky IV!

I got it, it's Rocky IV.

Yeah, Rocky IV!

Donald Trump is a monsterbacked by Russia,

and he's embarrassing Americain front of the entire world!

Yeah.

-So, now... -Rocky IV!

Exactly.

-And now...-It's Rocky IV.

Perfect, and now Hillary Clintonis gonna pull America back

from the brink by trainingin those harsh conditions.

O-Okay, guys, you're not...

Yeah, yeah, pullingoff a huge victory

in front of the whole world!

(scat singing"Theme from Rocky")

(audience clapping rhythmically)

Jordan Klepper, Hasan Minhaj,Adam Lowitt, everyone!

Thank you, Philadelphia!

it's, uh,it's the last night

of our four nights herein Philly.

Uh, so, you know,when a city hosts a convention,

you know that for a brief period

they're gonna changeall sorts of things.

Public transportation will beaffected, uh, traffic patterns,

uh, and getting turnt,as Roy Wood Jr. reports.

WOOD: Pennsylvania Democrats passed a new law,

but not some boring policy (bleep),

they cooked up a loophole to push last call to 4:00 a.m.

Not for everybody, though.

Just for DNC delegates.

Good times.

I have two beers.

BOTH:Two beers.

Yeah, twice as much privilege.

Yes.

Double up on the privilege.

All right.

What about the peoplewho can't get in?

Have to stop drinking at 2:00.

(bleep) them all.

WOOD: Man, these Democrats is getting tore up

till 4:00 in the morning and we were getting stuff done,

according to my main man, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey.

You do a lot of networking.

For example, someonejust bought me this beer,

and I'm gonna networkwith that person.

Okay, let's role-play.

-You be you.-Okay.

And I'll be another senator.

I want to be a Republicanfrom Alaska.

Why there?

'Cause there ain'tno black people.

Okay, everybodywould vote for me.

-Okay, okay, okay.-Come on.

All right, so,show me how networking

-happens in these parties.-Want me to start?

-I'll start, okay.-You start.

Hey, Joe.

(Wood grunts)

-Joe.-Vote for my bill.

-Joe, I really love Alaska.-Bro.

Bro.

And I love you, too.

Vote for my bill.

I'm drunk.

I'm from... I'm from Alaska!

Okay, cool.

It was good networking with you.

Good times.

Yes, this exemption

is hypocritical as hell, man,

but I discovered you can't keep the good people of Philly down.

I always drink past 2:00,though.

I just drink,I don't worry about the laws,

you know what I mean?

WOOD:I understand.

I'm gonna be drunk as hell, bro.

I'm gonna be drinkingright over there--

that garage-- until that time.

You drink in a garage?

Yeah, in a garage.

You politicians have your loopholes, the people of Philly

have theirs, even if it is in a creepy-ass garage.

Thank you so much, Roy.

Thank you so much.

(cheers and applause)

Now, uh...

Now, Ronny Chieng, uh,it-it's his first time in Philly

and, uh, he also took to thestreets, uh, after I asked him

to investigate the scenein Philadelphia.

CHIENG: Yeah, you did send me to investigate, Trevor,

but it was 99 degrees out, and after ten minutes,

the only thing I wanted to investigate was a cold drink.

Can I get some, uh,ice water, please?

We sell water ice.

Ice water.

Water ice.

No, you don't get it.I want ice water.

Well, there's a store for that.The-- we sell wa...

Yeah, this is the storefor that.

No, we sell water ice.

Yeah, why you have a signthat says "Ice water"?

Because it's a Philly thing.

It's frozen dessert!

It's water ice!

Listen, buddy, you can call it adick in a teacup if you want to.

What (bleep) flavor do you want?

Wet!

Lemon, cherry, chocolate,or pineapple?!

It's not hard!

It's four flavors!

Okay, can you give me cherrywithout the cherry?

I'm not a (bleep) scientist.

I cannot take the flavorout of the waters.

You get it how I give it to you.

What the (bleep)is your problem, man?

Listen, you're way out ofyour (bleep) league here, bro.

Oh, yeah?What are you gonna do about it?

-(bleep) you.-(bleep) you, man.

(bleep) try it and you might(bleep) like it.

I'll (bleep) try it,but if I don't (bleep) like it,

I'm gonna come back thereand kick your (bleep) ass.

That's-- let's go, buddy.

I'm always ready.

That's actually really good.

Yeah, thank you.

Family recipe, 1945.

Can I get, like, a large cherry?

-Yeah.-Cool. Thanks a lot, man.

You're welcome.Have a good day.

Yeah, take care.

(cheers and applause)

Please welcomeSenator Cory Booker.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

-Welcome, sir.-Thank you very much.

-Good to have you here.-Good to be on.

Good to have youon the show again.

Thank you for being here.

What an exciting weekthis has been.

It was really, really exciting.

I mean, for a lot of reasons.

But if-if you wantto get out of the partisanship,

we, America, have doneanother major breakthrough

with putting a womanas the head of a major party.

-It's incredible.-(cheering, applause)

You often hear people talkingabout, uh, ladies' night,

but this wasladies' week, really.

I mean, women were coming outand crushing it.

-Can I be honest? I felt badfor you, because... -Yeah.

No, no, I'll tell you why.

You had a phenomenal speech.

-But... but... -Yes.-(cheering, applause)

Yes.

On the same night,Michelle Obama had her speech.

Yes. You know it's bad whenyou meet up with your mother

afterwards and they run up toyou and I think she's gonna say

"Great speech" and she goes,"Did you hear Michelle Obama?"

It... What does it feel liketo be a part of that?

You know, you're experiencingthe evening, you're experiencing

this positive message.What is it like when you're

actually in the eye of-ofeverything that's happening?

Well, I was one of those kidsthat watched the conventions

growing up, and I rememberthese epic, iconic speeches,

like Mario Cuomo and others.

And when you're standing there,backstage, and you know

you're about to go up,it's a really powerful,

very humbling, uh, experience.And then, you know,

you're not just speakingto Democrats in that arena,

you're really speakingto the country.

You are one of the mainproponents of, uh,

criminal justice reform.

-Thank you for bringing it up.-Right. You...

(audience cheers)

You are supporting, uh,you know, the release

of low-level drug offenders,people who are nonviolent,

but it was interesting becausenow you have come up against

"the anecdotal,"which-which is still

an emotional connectionthat people have.

I think it was, uh, Tom Cottonwho came out and said,

look at this low-leveldrug offender who was released

from prison and then wentand killed, uh, you know,

his ex-girlfriendand-and-and children.

How do you work with that?

How do you, how do you engagewith someone in a conversation

where you go, I don't dismisswhat you are saying,

but this cannot be the onlymessage that we use

when trying to move forward.

How-how do you think you willmove that conversation forward?

So, two things, first, you don'tfall in the Donald Trump trap.

Um, to be strong,you don't have to be mean.

To be tough,you don't have to be cruel.

You look at your opponent onthe other side of the aisle...

(applause, cheering)

...and you-you work.

Look, I'm either going to workwith you,

or I'm going to builda coalition so strong

that we're going to getthis done.

And what's going on in Americaright now

is so contrary to who we say weare, "The land of the free."

We are a nationwith five percent

of the globe's population,

but one in every fourincarcerated people,

person's on the planet Earth,are in our nation.

And disproportionatelyfor drug crimes.

Remember, we have more peopleincarcerated for drugs

in America now than just about

all the people incarceratedin 1975.

This drug war has been a brutal,uh, explosion of our...

of our... 500% increase

-in our prison population.-Yeah.

And the peoplewe're incarcerating...

Uh, at college, at Stanford,

people were breaking drug lawsall the time.

Whites and blacks breakdrug laws equally,

but blacks are about 3.7 timesmore likely

-to be arrested for it.-(applause)

The people in our jailfor these crimes

are-are poor folks,mentally ill folks,

drug addicted folks, anddisproportionately brown folks.

And so, when you have peoplebeing arrested today

for doing things thatthe last two presidents

-admitted to doing...-Wow.

And very serious.

-Eh, read President Obama'sbooks. -Yeah.

-It wasn't just marijuana.-Yeah.

These were felony crimeshe admitted to.

Uh, George Bush,whole lot of felony crimes,

-uh, going on there.-(laughing)

And, and, and yet,when-when I was gr...

You know, my parents hadto fight a court case

to be the first black familyto integrate the town.

I watched my peersbreak drug laws,

but nobody was stoppingand frisking folks coming home.

Nobody was raiding their homes.

It's a very different justicesystem that you experience

in America if you're poor,

and-and often casesif you're a minority.

And that belies the truthof what,

when I walk down the stepsof the Capitol

and I look at the Supreme Courtbuilding,

written on the side of the wallis one thing

staring at all Americanspassing by:

"Equal Justice Under Law."

-(applause)-And until we reach that,

(clears throat)that ideal, we must fight.

And what scares meabout this is,

the most pervertedtype of privilege,

is that when there'sa serious problem,

but it doesn'taffect you personally,

-then to you, it's not reallya serious problem. -Yeah.

This is a serious problem.

It should motivate all Americansto want to change it.

(cheers, applause)

Always good to have you.

Always wonderful.

Thank you so muchfor being here.

Senator Cory Booker.

We'll be right back.