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Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain

  • 08/17/2011
  • Views: 18,941

Kevin Hart explores the humorous aspects of growing up with a drug-addicted father, his trip to Disneyland with Mekhi Phifer and the finer points of a dance battle. (44:29)

STUPIDEST THING MY DAD EVER DID

WHEN HE WAS ON DRUGS, RIGHT,

WHEN I WAS A KID, I REMEMBER

MY DAD CAME TO

PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE.

THAT'S WHEN YOU GO TO YOUR

KID'S SCHOOL, TALK TO YOUR

TEACHERS, SEE HOW THEY'RE

DOING IN SCHOOL.

MY DAD SHOWS UP WITH SWEATPANTS

ON WITH NO DRAWERS.

[bleep] WAS ALL OVER

THE PLACE, OKAY?

LISTEN, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP.

LET ME SHOW Y'ALL HOW MY DAD

WALKED INTO MY SCHOOL.

THIS IS ALL I SAW.

"HEY!

KEVIN!

HEY!"

[laughter]

"KEV!"

EVERY TIME HE STOPPED,

HIS [bleep] KEPT MOVING.

"EXCUSE ME!"

I COULD HEAR LITTLE GIRLS LIKE,

"EWWW!

EWWW!"

MY DAD GOT MAD.

"WHAT THE [bleep]

IS YOU ILLIN' ABOUT?

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY

WITH A LONG [bleep]?"

"DAD, DON'T--

DON'T SAY THAT."

"YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY.

YOU GONNA LEARN WHAT A LONG

[bleep] LOOK LIKE TODAY."

"NO, DAD, SHE DON'T NEED

TO LEARN THAT.

PLEASE."

I TALK ABOUT MY DAD

A LOT, BUT UNDERSTANDSOMETHING, PEOPLE.

I LOVE MY DAD TO DEATH.

I WOULDN'T BE THE MAN I AM TODAYIF IT WASN'T FOR MY DAD.

TO BE HONEST WITH Y'ALL,I'M JUST LIKE MY DAD.

I JUST DON'T DO DRUGS.

I GOT MY DAD'S TEMPER.

I KNOW I DO.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING THROUGHA DIVORCE NOW, YOU KNOW?

WHEN I GET MAD,I DON'T ARGUE NO MORE.

I [bleep] LEAVE.

THAT'S HOW I HANDLE [bleep].

NOW, I'M NOT SPITEFULLIKE MY DAD.

MY DAD IS VERY SPITEFUL.

LIKE, MY DAD GETS MAD.

LIKE, I REMEMBER HIM AND MY MOMWOULD ARGUE, RIGHT?

NO MATTER WHAT HE BOUGHTIN THE HOUSE, HE WOULD TAKE

WITH HIM WHEN HE LEFT.

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]WHAT IT WAS.

LIKE, IF YOU WERE COOKINGA STEAK IN THE PAN

AND MY DAD BOUGHT IT,WHEN HE LEFT, "BITCH, GET THE

GODDAMN STEAK OUT THE PAN."

"WHAT WE GONNA EAT?""BITCH, PUT THE STEAK

IN MY HAND!

I'M READY TO GO."

SHE WOULD PUT A HOT STEAKIN HIS HAND.

"[bleep], BITCH, PUT ITIN A BAG!"

[bleep] CRAZY.

I REMEMBER MY DAD TOOK ALLTHE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS OFF THE

CHRISTMAS TREE ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW--LISTEN.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MAD YOU GOT TOBE TO TAKE THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

OFF THE GODDAMN CHRISTMAS TREE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKETO TAKE THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

OFF THE [bleep] CHRISTMAS TREEAND TO KEEP A ATTITUDE

THAT WHOLE TIME?

"YUP, Y'ALL DONE [bleep] UPTODAY.

TOO LATE.

TOO LATE.

IT'S GONNA BE A DARK CHRISTMASIN THIS BITCH.

I BET YOU THAT.

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA SEE [bleep]IN THIS HOUSE.

HOW MANY SETS OF LIGHTS I PUT ONTHIS GODDAMN CHRISTMAS TREE?"

MY DAD WAS [bleep] CRAZY.

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL.

WHEN I LEFT, I DID TAKESOME STUFF.

SEE, BUT I TOOK STUFF THATSHE DIDN'T REALIZE WAS

IMPORTANT UNTIL IT WAS GONE.

LIKE, WHEN I LEFT, I TOOK ALLTHE BACKS TO HEAR EARRINGS.

UH...

YEAH, YEAH.

"I DON'T WANT THE EARRINGS.

I JUST WANT THE BACKS.

YOU CAN PUT 'EM ON,BUT YOU'RE GONNA [bleep]

LOSE 'EM, 'CAUSE I GOTTHE BACKS.

I SUGGEST YOU GO BUY A PACKOF PENCILS AND GET IT POPPIN'

WITH THOSE ERASERS, BITCH.

I GOT THE GODDAMN BACKS, OKAY?"THAT'S THE THING, FELLAS.

YOU GOT TO HIT 'EM LOW.

GOT TO TAKE STUFF THAT THEYDON'T REALIZE IS IMPORTANT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE I TOOK.

I TOOK THE HEADBOARDTO THE BED.

NOW, I KNOW WHEN I SAY THAT,A LOT OF Y'ALL ARE LIKE,

"KEVIN, WHY WOULD YOU TAKETHE HEADBOARD TO THE BED?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

THE HEADBOARD TO THE BEDIS VERY IMPORTANT TO A MAN.

THAT'S WHAT MOTIVATES USDURING SEX.

LADIES, IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S NOT THE NOISESTHAT YOU MAKE.

IT'S THE [bleep] HEADBOARD.

THIS SOUND, RIGHT HERE.

[light whacking][steady tapping]

[rapid tapping]THAT'S MOTIVATION.

THAT'S THE MOTIVATION.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,NEXT TIME YOU'RE HAVING SEX

WITH YOUR MAN, IF YOU HEARTHE HEADBOARD, LOOK AT YOUR

MAN'S FACE.

I BET YOU ANY AMOUNT OF MONEYHIS FACE MATCHES THE SOUND

OF THE [bleep] HEADBOARD.

BET MONEY.

[steady tapping][rapid tapping]

IT ALL GOES TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

MAN.

THEY WILL.

I'M TELLING YOU, I KNOW THIS

FROM EXPERIENCE, OKAY?

DWYANE WADE, THAT'S A GOOD

FRIEND OF MINE.

I LOVE DWYANE TO DEATH.

HERE'S THE THING, I CAN'T HANG

OUT WITH DWYANE NO MORE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

DWYANE TRIED TO FUCK

MY LIFE UP.

HE DID.

DWYANE TRIED TO MAKE ME BUY

A BOAT.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE

A FUCKIN' HOUSE.

I SAID, "HEY, MAN..."

I SAID, "I DON'T THINK THIS

IS A GOOD INVESTMENT."

HE SAID, "STOP BEING A BITCH.

YOU GOT IT, BALL OUT."

I SAID, "NO, NO, NO, I WOULD,

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

THE WAY MY BANK ACCOUNT IS SET

UP, THE THING IS, I GOT

A CHECKING AND A SAVINGS,

BUT ALL THE MONEY IS IN MY

SAVINGS, SO I GOT TO SWITCH IT.

IT'S GONNA TAKE TOO LONG.

THE BOAT MIGHT NOT BE THERE

WHEN I GET BACK."

YOU CAN'T HANG OUT WITH

EVERYBODY.

I'LL BE HONEST, ANOTHER PROBLEM

OF MINE, I GOT TOO MANY

FINANCIAL FEARS.

I GET SCARED FAST.

I TELL YOU MY BIGGEST FEAR

WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCES.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IS MY CREDIT

CARD GETTING DECLINED

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

I'MA TELL YOU WHY.

HERE'S THE THING.

IT'S NOT THAT I'M SCARED OF MY

CARD GETTING DECLINED.

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT

WHEN YOU ANNOUNCE IT.

LIKE, BITCH, TELL ME.

IT'S MY CARD.

DON'T--DON'T PUT ON A SHOW.

DON'T COME OUT LIKE, "MR. HART,

UH-UH, DIDN'T GO THROUGH.

I TRIED IT THREE TIMES.

I EVEN WIPED IT ON MY PANTS."

BITCH, GIVE ME THE CARD.

DON'T SAY ALL THAT.

THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU

TRIED TO DO TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

GIVE ME THE GODDAMN CARD

BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE

FUCKIN' THROAT, LADY.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS.

THAT'S TOO MUCH.

TOO MUCH.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME, I GOT

SCARED 'CAUSE I THOUGHT MY CARD

WASN'T GONNA GO THROUGH, SO I

CUT THE WAITRESS OFF BEFORE SHE

EVEN SAID ANYTHING.

"MR. HART--"

"AHH!

COME HERE, LET ME TALK TO YOU.

NO, COME ON THIS SIDE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LISTEN, THE WAY MY BANK ACCOUNT

IS SET UP, THE THING IS,

I GOT A CHECKING AND A SAVINGS,

BUT ALL THE MONEY IS IN MY

SAVINGS, SO I DON'T THINK IT'S

GONNA GO THROUGH.

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND."

MY DAD ALMOST KILLEDME ONE TIME.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,I COULDN'T SWIM.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

MY DAD DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

THIS NIGGA ARGUED ME DOWN.

WE HAD A POOL.

I'M SITTING ON THE SIDEOF THE POOL.

I GOT MY FEET IN THE WATER.

"MM-MM-MM, MM-MM-MM."

I'M PLAYING, HAVING A GOOD TIME.

MY DAD SAID, "BOY, YOU BETTERSTOP PLAYING.

GET IN THAT WATER AND SWIM."

I SAID, "DAD, I CAN'T.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM."

HE SAID, "YOU KNOW HOWTO FUCKIN' SWIM.

GET IN THAT GODDAMN WATERAND SWIM."

I SAID, "NO, DAD, I'M SERIOUS.

NOBODY EVER TAUGHT MEHOW TO SWIM."

MY DAD PICKED ME UP,GRABBED ME, THREW ME

IN SEVEN FEET.

AS SOON AS I HIT THE WATER,I STARTED TO DIE IMMEDIATELY.

"HOO!

HOOO!

WHOOOO!"THIS IS WHY MY DAD'S AN ASSHOLE.

THIS IS WHAT MY DAD SAID.

"HEY!

YOU BETTER NOT FUCKIN' DROWN."

I SAID, "WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT.

I DON'T"--WHEN I TELL YOU THAT WAS THE

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE RIDE HOMEI'VE EVER HAD WITH MY DAD

IN MY LIFE, KEEP IN MIND,I ALMOST DIED.

WHENEVER YOU COME CLOSETO DEATH, YOU BECOME

TRAUMATIZED.

HARD TO GET THAT SHITOUT YOUR HEAD.

I KEPT HAVING FLASHBACKS.

WE IN THE CAR.

WE DRIVING HOME.

I'M LOOKING OUTTHE PASSENGER WINDOW.

I KEPT REPLAYING THAT SHITOVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I WAS LIKE, "NO...

NOO!

NO, DON'T LET ME GO, DAD.

DON'T LET ME GO."

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,I WOULD LOOK AT HIM.

"WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?

I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T--I DON'T KNOW WHY."

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY DADSAID TO ME.

THIS IS HOW MY DAD TRIED TO MAKEME FEEL BETTER.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

LOOK.

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

HE WAS DRIVING, RIGHT?

HE SAID...

HE SAID...

[laughter]"I ALMOST LOST YOU TODAY,

DIDN'T I?"WHAT?

THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN, MAN?

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE PERSON AT

THE FUNERAL THAT'S THERE TO

AVENGE THE DEATH OF WHOEVER

DIED.

THEY WANT PAYBACK.

THAT PERSON WAS MY UNCLE

RITCHIE JR., OKAY?

NOW, ALL MY REAL KEVIN HART FANS

KNOW WHO MY UNCLE RITCHIE JR.

IS.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW,

"SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST."

THAT'S MY UNCLE RITCHIE JR.,

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, LIKE I SAID, MY MOM DIED

FROM CANCER.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS EXCEPT

MY UNCLE RITCHIE JR.

FUNERAL'S OVER.

EVERYBODY'S OUTSIDE.

THEY'RE CONSOLING ONE ANOTHER.

IT'S A REALLY EMOTIONAL TIME.

I'M TALKING.

MY UNCLE COMES UP,

TAPS ME ON THE BACK.

HE SAID, "KEVIN, I JUST WANT

TO LET YOU KNOW, WHOEVER DID

THIS IS GONNA DIE TONIGHT."

"EXCUSE ME?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"

"I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU,

I'M ABOUT TO PEEL THIS

MOTHER FUCKERS MUFFIN CAP

BACK BLUE TONIGHT, NIGGA!"

I SAID, "UNC, CANCER DID IT.

IT WAS CANCER."

HE SAID, "WELL, YOU TELL CANCER

I'M LOOKING FOR HIM, AND WHEN

I FIND HIM, I'MA SHOOT HIM

IN THE FACE, TWICE!

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