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Damien Lemon

Damien Lemon talks about his hatred of destination weddings, failed novelists writing Yelp reviews and his dream of having sex with a hand dryer. (20:39)

Little bit.

Got a little... little gut.

I got fat 'cause I like to eat.

You know.

I'm a foodie.

Any foodies in the building?

(audience whooping)Probably are. Foodies?

Yeah.

"Foodie," you know,that's just a euphemism

for doing fat people shit,you...

You know that, right?That's... you know.

There's a lot of gluttonythat gets...

gets dismissedunder that umbrella of "foodie."

I don't even like calling it"fat people shit,"

to be honest with you,'cause I feel like

fat people got way more dignity

than your average foodie.

You know? Like...

Fat people don't needto take a picture

of every plate of wings

that comes acrosstheir path, you know.

That's ridiculous.

Like, if you stand on linefor over an hour

for any type of pastry,

that's fat people shit,you know?

It's not that serious.

If you watch Man v. Food

and you get upset

when he can't completethe challenge...

that's fat people shit.

You lookin' at the TV like,"Come on, fam!

"It's 16 milkshakes!

That's liquid!This is bullshit!"

If you knowwhat Instagram filter

best flatters the butter

on your pancakes...

that's fat people shit.

You need to take it easy.

You can hear the enthusiasm in my voice.

And, uh, I'm... I'm gettingto the point now

where I'm starting to have,

like, no love

for other people's love.

Especially when it affectsmy budget, you know?

You know what I mean?

Like, when I geta wedding invitation,

I don't even get excited.

I look at that shitlike a invoice,

like, "How much isthis gonna cost?

This is ridiculous."

You know, 'cause people don'tget regular married no more.

Remember back in the days,people used to get married

at the local church in town,

somewhere you couldgo to by car...

That's played out now.

Like, everybody wants to havea destination wedding,

get married in some far-off,exotic location,

and they want you to come.

You know?'Cause you're a friend,

and this is a real-lifefriendship appraisal.

Like, I got friends of mine

that have never traveledno further than Atlanta,

but they wantto get married in Antigua.

And you gotta be there,you know?

So then you out therewith a attitude,

barefoot in the hot-ass sand,

moving from side to side, like,"Yo! I'm here!

I told you I was your friend!"

You beefin' withthe couple in the back,

"You know, I paid $1,500to come to this sh...

"This is the third one.

"I didn't even meetthe second wife.

This is some bullshit."

So I'm going tothree weddings.

That means I getto see three people

walk the aisle, jump the broom,

tie the knot, you know.

It's a triathlon of commitment.

Meanwhile,I've been with my lady

for about eight years

and I have yetto propose to her,

so this is about to be the"managing expectations" tour.

You know what I mean?There's gonna be a lot of

heart-to-heart conversations

after every ceremony.

I'm gonna haveto pull her to the side,

say, "Hey, baby, listen, um...

"Don't get excited by whatyou just saw this afternoon.

"You know?

"These people love howthey love, you know?

"You and I...

"we got a joint Netflix account,you know.

"I know your queue,you know my queue,

"there's no judgment.

"You know, I feel like that,that's love enough."

I... kiss her on the forehead.

That's it! You know, that's...

could be $7.99 a month.

I don't ask her for four.

I take that, I eat that,I'm a man, you understand?

(muttering)

"Go ahead, baby, binge away."

And I love my lady,

but I'm justafraid of commitment.

You know what I'm saying?Like, that's the...

that's the thing about it,

I'm just afraid of co...And it's...

and obviously,it sounds cliché

for a dude to be onstage,

saying how afraidof commitment he is.

But you know what?

I'm afraid to getshot in the head, too, you know?

Like, a fear is a fear,you feel me?

You know,I'm afraid of commitment,

'cause commitment feels too muchlike commitment.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like, y-youand whoever you chose forever.

You know?And it, it's not even

just with my lady.It's with anything.

Like, if you want to get

a new cell phone...

you got to commit for two yearsto get the new cell phone...

and you know full well,as you're signing the contract,

there's gonna bea phone that's gonna come out...

that's gonnablow this phone away...

and you're gonna be stuck,you know?

That's how I look at marriage.

It's like a cell phone contractfor infinity...

with no upgrade privileges.

It was one nightI'm getting home.

It was about at least 1:00in the morning.

I'm a little tipsy, you know?

I'm tired.

I got some emo Drake musicin my headphones.

And I'm walking and I getto the corner and I say,

"Oh, shit! That's a pit bull!"

I jump, and in one leap,

I'm on top of a Corolla.

I'm-I'm breathing hard as shit.

I can hear my heart beatingin my ear.

I'm sweating like this.

And then, a couple secondslater, there's a white woman

with some flip-flops on

upset at me because I'm afraid.

She looked at meand she was like,

"What's the problem?Why are you so scared?

What, what are you afraid of?"

I said, "Baby, that's a,that's a pit bull.

"I thought it was loose.That-That's an attack animal.

What are you talking about?"

She said, "No.

"That's not an attack animal.

That's a rescue."

Say what?

See, you know that.That's that semantics.

I got caught with the spin.

I'm like,"A rescue, what the...?"

You know.

A rescue?I thought it sound heroic.

I thought, okay, maybe the dogwas in a burning building...

you kicked the door open,

you grabbed the dog,you put it under your shoulder,

you shimmied down a fire escape.

Maybe the dog was in a shootout,

and the dog only hada switchblade.

You come through with the semi,shoot up the block.

Open up the passenger seat,the dog jumps in,

y'all drive off to freedom,you know.

Some heroic shit, a war story.

I go and do a Google search.

I come to find outa rescue animal,

all that is

is a dog that's in a shelter,

and it's got 24

to 48 hours to be adopted

or they euthanize it.

They put it to sleep.

I said, "Wait a minute.

"That's not a rescue.

"That's a clearance sale.

That-that..."

You got that dog for the low.

That, you know.

That's a Black Friday pit bull.

This is...

If this dog bite meand you pay me,

you still in the black.You didn't save...

You saved a couple dollars.

A lot of ladiesdon't seem

to appreciatethe dick pics, though.

I've noticed that.

I've done some informal polling,and, um...

...it seems that you don't...

Is it the unsolicited natureof it?

Is that...?

Is that what it is?

It's the factthat you didn't ask for it?

Is that...?WOMAN: Yes!

That's...? Yeah?

Does it feel like spam?

I try to empathize with the ladies.

I was like, "Well, damn, whatwould be the male equivalent

to receiving a dick pic?"

I was like,

"What about a sonogram photo?"

Imagine that?

Imagine you was kicking itwith your homeboy.

Y'all coming back from the gym.

Pull out your phone,you're like, "Whoa.

"I didn't ask for this.

"Oof.

"Frankly, I'm turned off.

"This is...

"This is ridiculous...

I'm gonna delete this."

Boop!

You know, if you deletea sonogram photo,

they call that a cyber-abortion.

(mix of laughs and groans)

(crowd clapping)

Uh... oh.

I like that y'all clappedfor that, too, though.

You know, typicallyI got to tell people

don't get upset, you know.

It's just a fictional JPEGin a joke, you know.

Plus, if it makes you feelany better,

it was only 320 kilobits,

so it wasn't that far alongin the first place.

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