Nate Fernald

Nate Fernald describes his terrible week, divulges his various insecurities, shames a rude audience member and does a few impressions. (20:42)

Um, admittedly, I haven't beenonstage in... kind of a while,

so I hope I remember (laughs)how to do this, but...


It's that one.

I've not been havinga good week.

This is, uh, not a good week.

I got arrested this weekfor the first time in my life.


I had a totally cleancriminal record,

and then I got arrested

for riding my bikewithout a helmet.

Into a bank with a gun,and I guess they don't...


They don't like that.

Another thingthat happened to me this week,

I, uh... I had a totalbrain shart the other day.

You know those?

That's where you think thatyou're gonna have a brain fart,

but then... you have a stroke,and it's, uh...

Yeah, it's not good.

And I'm having trouble

paying my hospital bills.

And I'm reallystarting to regret

buying that hospital, you know?

I didn't need it.I didn't need it.

I also found this out this week.

I found out that snakescan come out of the toilet.

Yeah. Deal with that.

So, now I have a brand-new fear

that I never even knewI had before.

I'll just be sittingon the toilet,

and then a snake will come out,

and turn into a bunch of womenand laugh at my penis.

And they just...

I don't want that.

(quietly):I don't want that.

trying to get in better shapethese days.

I'm going to the gym a lot.

'Cause I'm a cashier at the gym.But I'm also trying to...

(audience laughs)

Trying to eat better.I'm trying to eat better.

I'm trying to eat more fruit.

I think my favorite fruitsare grapes.

I love grapes. I thinkthat's the best fruit

out of all the fruits.

And I also... I love dates.Dates are great.

They're wonderful,and they're-they're

very underrated fruit.

And I wish thatthere was, like, a juice

that was flavoredafter those two fruits,

but it does not exist.

Probably because you can't sella date grape drink in a store.

It would be...

It'd be weird, you know?

Those words rhymewith other word... Comedy.

Yeah? Yeah.

But, uh... thank you.

But you know, speaking of,um, I don't know,

like, food and thingspeople might eat...

(air horn blares)

MAN:Another great segue!

(music sting, buzzing,explosions play)

MAN 2:Yeah!



(cheering, applause)

Thank you.

I assume the applauseis for Applebee's. Um...

I love Applebee's. Applebee'sis my favorite restaurant.

Uh, where my Apple boys at?


Oh, right on.

Uh, now,the Applebee's slogan...

The Applebee's sloganused to be...

it used to be

"You belong...

at Applebee's."

And I think that

that's a very nice slogan.

As long as...

it's coming from...


'Cause like, the other night,

I went intoa kind of fancy steak house.

And they were like,"Um, you belong at Applebee's."

I was like, "Whoa."

Come on, man.

That's rude.

I... You know what, actually,