IT IS ALSO OUR FINAL SHOW OF2015.
A SPECIAL OCCASION, AS I'M SUREYOU CAN TELL BY THE FACT THAT
I'M WEARING UNDERWEAR.
TONIGHT WE LOOK BACK ON SOME OFOUR FAVORITE STORIES TO HAVE THE
LAST 12 MONTHS IN OUR END OFYEAR REVIEW.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO UPDATE THAT.
THAT'S THE OLD -- CAN YOU GUYSCHANGE?
IT'S THE OLD -- THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, SO THIS WAS -- OKAY,YEAH --
(LAUGHTER)
ARE WE --
(LAUGHTER)
OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
"STAR WARS" TICKETS, 26 MINUTES.
LET'S GET GOING, PEOPLE!
ANYWAY, 2015 WAS EVENTFUL FROMTHE "CHARLIE HEBDO" SHOOTINGS,
TO THE PLANNED PARENTHOODSHOOTINGS, TO THE SHOOTINGS IN
MALI, TO THE PARIS ANDSAN BERNARDINO SHOOTINGS.
2015 WAS A (BLEEP) YEAR.
BUT A LOT OF FUN STORIES TOREMEMBER.
REMEMBER WHEN A PIECE OF FABRICDIVIDED A NATION.
YEAH.
NO, NOT THAT ONE.
THE FUN ONE.
THE FUN ONE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
(APPLAUSE)
2015 WAS ALSO STRANGELY THEYEAR OF 2016.
IT'S THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE ANDTHE TWO SIDES COULDN'T BE MORE
DIFFERENT.
ON THE D. J. SIDE ALL CANDIDATESCOULD GET TO THE DEBATE ON ONE
MOTORCYCLE.
WHILE THE REPUBLICANS, I GUESSTECHNICALLY THEY COULD ALSO DO
THAT IF THEY WANTED --
(LAUGHTER)
I MEAN...
AND 2015 WAS ALSO A BIG YEAR FORGAY RIGHTS.
IN JUNE THE SUPREME COURTLEGALIZED SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IN
ALL 50 STATES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YES!
THAT'S RIGHT!
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, SOME PEOPLEWERE UNHAPPY, LIKE THE KENTUCKY
COUNTY CLERK KIM DAVIS WHO WASARARRESTED FOR REFUSING TO ISSUE
MARRIAGE LICENSES AS THE LAWREQUIRED AND AFTER A WEEK IN
JAIL SHE HAD HER OWN COMING OUTPARTY.
>> A PERSON WHOSE COURAGEEXCEEDS THAT OF 99.9% OF THE
POLITICIANS OF THIS COUNTRY AND,SADLY, THAT EXCEEDS A BUNCH OF
EVEN THE PASTORS OF THISCOUNTRY, WOULD YOU PLEASE HELP
ME WELCOME TO THE STAGE KIMDAVIS!
(THEME FROM "ROCKY" PLAYING)
>> Trevor: THAT REALLY HAPPENED.
(LAUGHTER)
WE DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ORADD THAT MUSIC.
MIKE HUCKABEE PLAYED "EYE OF THETIGER" FOR KIM DAVIS LIKE SHE
WAS ROCKY AND GAY MARRIAGE WASMR. T OR SOMETHING.
(LAUGHTER)
IT WAS SO INSANE.
IT WAS ALSO A BIG YEAR FORTHINGS VIRAL, AND FOR THAT WE
TURN TO JESSICA WILLIAMS,EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU, TREVOR.
I HAVE BEEN ANALYZING ALL OF THESOCIAL-CYBER-VIRAL MEME DATA,
AND THIS YEAR'S WINNER BUT ACANADIAN MILE WAS DRAKE AND
VIDEO FOR "HOTLINE BLING."
IT WAS A HAUNTING PORTRAYAL OFMAN HAVING A SEIZURE INSIDE OF A
TANNING BED.
YES, VIRAL MEDIA WAS HUGE IN2015.
HOW HUGE?
"KYLIE'S LIPS" HUGE.
2015 WAS ALL ABOUT CHALLENGESINCLUDING THE "KYLIE JENNER LIP
CHALLENGE" WHERE KIDS SUCKED ONSHOT GLASSES TO GET THEIR LIPS
(BLEEP) UP.
THEY LOVE THE SEXY FISH LOOK.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH MY WHOLE 2015-- OH, WAIT.
WE BID FAREWELL TO A VIRALHEAVYWEIGHT THAT DIED THIS YEAR.
EBOLA.
FINALLY ELIMINATED IN MOST PARTSOF AFRICA.
BUT THINGS ARE LOOKING UP TO YOUIN 2016, EBOLA.
WAIT, TREVOR, YOU AREN'T GOINGTO AFRICA THIS CHRISTMAS, ARE
YOU?
>> Trevor: WELL, NOT ALL OF IT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> OKAY, WELL, DON'T COMEBACK, OKAY?
>> Trevor: WHY ARE YOU SUCH ADICK, JESS?
>> SORRY, IT'S IN MY NATURE.
>> Trevor: YOU'RE SOBEAUTIFUL!
JESSICA WILLIAMS, EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ON A SLIGHTLY SADDER NOTE,THERE WAS ALSO THE YEARS OF THE
"BLACK LIVES MATTER" MOVEMENT,WITH TENSIONS BETWEEN THE
COMMUNITY AND THE POLICE--
>> TREVOR, STOP BEING SUCH ABUZZKILL, MAN!
DAMN!
>> Trevor: IT'S ROY WOODJUNIOR, EVERYBODY!
>> YEAH!
DUDE!
ENOUGH WITH THE "BLACK LIVESMATTER" STUFF, YOU'RE MAKING
EVERYONE DEPRESSED.
I'M HERE WITH GOOD NEWS FROM2015 TO CHEER EVERYONE UP.
>> TURING PHARMACEUTICAL C.E.O.MARTIN SHKRELI FOCUSED PUBLIC
OUTRAGE AFTER HIS COMPANY LIKEDTHE PRICE OF DARAPRIM FROM
$13.50 TO $750 A PILL.
>> IT'S USED TO TREAT WEAKENEDIMMUNE SYSTEM, TO PREGNANT WOMEN
AND PEOPLE WITH AIDS.
>> SOME DOUCHE BAG WAS CHARGING$750 FOR AN AIDS PILL.
>> Trevor: I THOUGHT YOU SAIDGOOD NEWS.
>> TREVOR, WAIT FOR IT!
>> MARTIN SHKRELI PURCHASING THESOLE COPY OF THE WU TANG CLAN'S
SECRET ALBUM.
>> MARTIN SHKRELI REPORTEDLYSPENT $2 MILLION FOR THE ONLY
COPY OF THE WU TANG CLAN ALBUM.
THE RECORD TOOK SIX YEARS TOMAKE, THEY ONLY MADE THE ONE AND
MARTIN SAYS HE'S NOT EVEN GOINGTO PLAY IT.
>> THEN HE BOUGHT THE ONLY WUTANG CLAN ALBUM AND HE SAYS HE'S
NOT EVEN GOING TO PLAY IT!
>> Trevor: THAT YOUNG DIRTYBASTARD!
>> BUT WAIT...
BREAKING NEWS THIS MORNING,THE DRUG COMPANY C.E.O. WHO
RAISED THE PRICE OF ALIFE-SAVING PILL BY MORE THAN
5,000% HAS BEEN ARRESTED.
FACES CHARGES OF SECURITIESFRAUD...
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> 'CAUSE THE WU TANG CLANAIN'T NOTHIN' TO (BLEEP) WITH!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU'RE WELCOME, TREVOR!
AND BLACK LIVES MATTER!
>> Trevor: ROY WOOD JUNIOR,EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AH, 2015.
ONE OF MY FAVO FAVORITE STORIESWAS WHEN AMERICA FREAKED OUT
OVER A CLOCK BOY, A MUSLIMTEENAGE BOY IN TEXAS WHO CAME TO
SCHOOL WITH A CLOCK WHO SOMEPEOPLE THOUGHT COULD BE A BOMB.
>> HIS ENGINEERING TEACHER TOLDHIM TO KEEP IT OUT OF SIGHT.
>> BUT THE CLOCK SPOOKED THEENGLISH TEACHER WHO TOLD THE
PRINCIPAL WHO TOLD POLICE.
>> Trevor: YEAH, SNITCHED ONBY HIS ENGLISH TEACHER.
WHY ARE TEACHERS ALWAYS SUCHBITCHES?
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH, I SAID IT.
MR. SAMUELS.
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU.
HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?
(LAUGHTER)
YOU STILL THINK I'M NOT LIVINGUP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL, HUH?
WHAT'S THAT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
BECAUSE I'M ON TELEVISION!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S RIGHT!
I'M ON TV...
AND YOU DIED OF THROAT CANCER 12YEARS AGO.
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY.
AND I CHERISH WHAT YOU TAUGHTME.
I MISS YOU.
(LAUGHTER)
JORDAN KLEPPER, WHAT HAVE YOUGOT FOR US?
>> HEY!
TREVOR!
HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY TELL ME THAT I GOT THEBAD BOY SEGMENT WHICH MAKES
SENSE BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWSI'M THE BAD BOY ON THE STAFF.
LET ME TELL YOU, THIS ISN'T THEFIRST BEER I'VE HAD THIS WEEK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, WE ARE THE GANGSTAS OF 2015WHO DID WHAT WE WANTED WHEN WE
WANTED AND EVERYONE LOVED US FORUS, SO WHO AM I ADDING TO MY BAD
BOY CREW?
(BLEEP) NO, THE WRONG KIND OFBAD BOY.
I MEAN BAD BOY LIKE SMOKINGCIGARETTES AND LOITERING OUTSIDE
THE STORE.
I WANT A REAL BAD BOY THAT CANROLL IN MY CREW LIKE THIS GUY.
(BLEEP).
NO.
>> Trevor: THAT'S ROBERT DURSTWHO KILL ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU,MAN?
>>THAT'S NOT ME, YOU KNOW ME!>> Trevor: I DON'T KNOW IF I DO.
>> I DIDN'T MEAN BAD BOYS LIKE"BAD" BOYS, I MEAN COOL PEOPLE
LIKE ME, KIND OF DANGEROUS BUTCAN STILL APPEAL TO THE KIDS.
NO! NO! NO! NO!
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!
THESE GUYS ARE NOT IN MY CREW!
WHO MAKES THESE (BLEEP)?
WHAT IS THIS?
NO!
SHUT IT DOWN!
SORRY!
TREVOR, I'M SORRY!
>> Trevor: JORDAN, WHAT THEHELL ARE YOU DOING?
DIDN'T YOU REHEARSE?
>> I SKIPPED REHEARSAL BECAUSEI'M A BAD BOY!
>> Trevor: OKAY.
THANK YOU, JORDAN KLEPPER,EVERYBODY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I GUESS 2015 WAS ALSO THE YEARWE SAID GOODBYE TO JORDAN
KLEPPER.
>> OH, GOD!
OH!
>> Trevor: GO AWAY, JORDAN!
AND NOW HERE'S DESI LYDIC ANDHASAN MINHAJ!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU, TREVOR!
WELL, THIS WAS THE YEAR THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT FINALLY SAID IT WOULDPUT A WOMAN ON THE $10 BILL, AND
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT WOMENWHO DESERVE THIS HONOR.
HERE ARE TWO WHO DEFINITELYDON'T.
FIRST THE HUNGARIAN CAMERA WOMANWHO TRIPPED SYRIAN REFUGEES
INCLUDING ONE CARRYING HISCHILD.
WOW, LOOKS LIKE TRUMP FINALLYFOUND HIS RUNNINGMATE.
>> YEAH, BUT LET'S NOT OVERLOOKANOTHER STRONG CONTENDER FOR NOT
BEING ON THE $10 BILL, RACHELDOLEZHAL.
>> VERY TRUE, BUT SHE WOULDPROBABLY MAKE IT ON TO A
COUNTERFEIT $10 BILL.
SHE WAS OF THE ROSA PARKS PEOPLEWHO SHOULDN'T BE ASSOCIATED WITH
ROSA PARKS.
>> WE ALL PRETENDED TO BE BLACKTO GET INTO COLLEGE BUT THIS IS
RIDICULOUS.
>> DID WHAT?
TREVOR...
>> Trevor: THANK YOU.
DESI LYDIC AND HASAN MINHAJ,EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND TO WRAP UP THE ANIMALS, WEARE JOINED BY BY RONNY CHIENG!
>> THANKS, TREVOR.
HERE ARE THIS YEAR'S TOP ANIMALSTORIES.
FIRST UP, PIZZA RAT.
>> WHO DOESN'T LOVE PIZZA!
COME ON, THIS IS ONE DETERMINEDRAT CAUGHT ON CAMERA.
THIS WAS SHOT IN THE FIRSTAVENUE L TRAIN STATION.
>> THE PIZZA RAT THAT BECAMEFAMOUS FOR DRAGGING A PIECE OF
PIZZA DOWN SUBWAY STAIRS.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY HITS THISSTUPID VIDEO GOT?
8 MILLION HITS!
IT'S A RAT DRAGGING A SLICE OFPIZZA DOWN, LIKE, TWO STEPS!
(LAUGHTER)
HE'S NOT EVEN GOING UPTHE STAIRS!
HE'S GOING DOWN THE STAIRS!
YO...
GRAVITY IS DOIFG MOST THE WORK!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IMPRESSED?
THAT SHOULD CALLED GRAVITY PIZZAFEATURING A RAT.
PIZZA RAT DOESN'T EVEN EAT THEPIZZA!
HE JUST DRAGS IT AND RUNS AWAY!
8 MILLION HITS!
PEOPLE TREATING HIM LIKE HE'SSOME KIND OF HERO?
HE'S JUST A QUITTER!
(LAUGHTER)
THAT IS WHAT'S WRONG WITHAMERICA TODAY, GIVING TROPHIES
TO RATS.
NOT EVEN SPECIAL RATS.
ANYONE CAN DO THAT.
LOOK AT ME!
I'M TRACKING A SLICE OF PIZZAAROUND.
JUST DRAGGING IT AROUND, NOTEATING IT.
QUICK, SOMEONE GIVE ME A MOVIEDEAL!
>> Trevor: ALL RIGHT, WELL,THAT WAS WEIRD, RONNY CHIENG,
EVERYBODY!
THANKS, RONNY AND THE WHOLE "THEDAILY SHOW" NEWS TEAM.
THAT WRAPS UP OUR 2015REVIEW!
FOR MORE REACTION TODONALD TRUMP'S MUSLIM POLICY, WE
GO TO SENIOR POLITICALCORRESPONDENT HASAN MINHAJ,
EVERYBODY!
>>THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Trevor: HASAN, THIS HAS TO BETRUMP'S MOST CONTROVERSIAL
STATEMENT YET.
>> NOT REALLY.
NOT REALLY CONTROVERSIAL FOR ME.
I THINK TRUMP'S 100% RIGHT.
MUSLIMS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED INTHIS COUNTRY.
IT'S JUST NOT SAFE.
>> Trevor: WOW, HASAN...
SO YOU ALSO BELIEVE MUSLIMS AREA DANGER?
>> I MEANT THAT MUSLIMS ARE INDANGER, TREVOR.
ONE-THIRD OF A MAJOR POLITICALPARTY IN AMERICA IS BACK AGO
RACIST MANIAC!
THIS PLACE IS SCARY RIGHT NOWAND THAT'S WHY TRUMP SAID WE
CAN'T HAVE ANY MUSLIMS ENTER THEU.S. UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT WHAT
THE HELL IS GOING ON!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Trevor: NO, I THINK YOU GOTIT MIXED UP.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT HEMEANT.
BUT I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHAT DOYOU THINK IS GOING ON?
>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT HASNOTHING TO DO WITH MUSLIMS.
MAYBE TRUMP NEVER ACTUALLYWANTED TO BE PRESIDENT SO NOW
HE'S JUST SELF-SABOTAGING,TRYING TO GET HIS SUPPORTERS TO
BREAK UP WITH HIM BY CROSSINGTHE LINE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND
AGAIN.
>> Trevor: HE'S CROSSING THELINE AND HOW IS THAT GOING?
>> KIND OF LIKE THE MICROSOFTSTORE EVERY CHRISTMAS -- TURNS
OUT THERE IS NO LINE.
(APPLAUSE)
THERE IS NEVER A LINE.
BIG STORE, NO LINE.
BUT...
I HAVE A SECOND THEORY, AND ITHINK THIS IS WHERE THE EVIDENCE
POINTS.
DONALD TRUMP IS AN EXTREMISTLEADER WHO CAME OUT OF NOWHERE,
SELF-FINANCED, RECRUITS THROUGHSOCIAL MEDIA, ATTRACTS HIS
FOLLOWERS WITH A RADICALIDEOLOGY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
AND IS ACTIVELY TRYING TOPROMOTE A WAR BETWEEN ISLAM AND
THE WEST!
>> Trevor: OH, MY GOD,HASAN...
HE'S WHITE I.S.I.S.!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Hasan: THAT'S RIGHT, TREVOR!
DONALD TRUMP IS WHITE I.S.I.S.!
WHISIS!
>> Trevor: THAT'S CATCHY.
I LIKE THAT.
THE BIG QUESTION IS WHAT DO WEDO TO COMBAT WHISIS?
>> VERY SIMPLE.
CAN I BE REAL, TREVOR?
>> Trevor: BE REAL.
JUST BE YOU, MAN.
BE REAL.
>> WHERE ARE ALL THE MODERATEWHITE CONSERVATIVES?
I MEAN, COME ON!
THEY'VE GOT A RESPONSIBILITY TOSTEP UP AND SPEAK OUT AGAINST
WHISIS BECAUSE I'M SICK OFTHIS!
>> Trevor: IN FAIRNESS, THEYALREADY HAVE.
>> JEB BUSH CALLED IT UNHINGED.
CHRIS CHRISTI,E RIDICULOUS. JOHNKASICH, DIVISIVE.
MARCO RUBIO, OFFENSIVE.
>> WE'RE NOW GOING TO VIOLATETHE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS OF
CITIZENS BECAUSE OF DONALDTRUMP?
I DON'T THINK SO.
>> I DO NOT COMMENT ON WHAT'SGOING ON IN THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION.
I WILL TAKE AN EXCEPTION TODAY.
THIS IS NOT CONSERVATISM, NOTWHAT THIS PARTY STANDS FOR AND,
MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT'S NOT WHATTHIS COUNTRY STANDS FOR.
>> Trevor: YOU SAY, HASAN,CONSERVATIVES DON'T STAND BEHIND
WHISIS.
>> I DON'T KNOW, TREVOR, I DON'TBUY IT.
I STILL DON'T FEEL SAFE.
I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF NUANCETO THE SITUATION AND EVERY
CONSERVATIVE IS NOT THE SAME,BUT IT'S JUST EASIER ON MY
BRAIN TO BE IRRATIONALLY AFRAIDOF AN ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO UNTIL WE CAN FIGURE OUTWHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I HASAN
MINHAJ SAY WE SHOULD NOT ALLOWANY CONSERVATIVES INTO THE WHITE
HOUSE!
WE'RE STILL COVERING LASTNIGHT'S REPUBLICAN PRIMARY
DEBATE, SO LET'S GO NOW TO DESILYDIC AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FACT?
>> THANK YOU, TREVOR.
LAST NIGHT'S LAS VEGAS DEBATEWAS A LOT LIKE VEGAS ITSELF.
KIND OF FUN BUT WITH A NAGGINGSENSATION YOU'RE GETTING
SCREWED.
SO HOW MUCH DID THE CANDIDATESSTRETCH THE TRUTH?
LET'S START WITH TED CRUZ WHOWANTED TO PROVE THAT HIS PLAN TO
DEPORT MORE UNDOCUMENTEDIMMIGRANTS WAS LIKE BRADLEY
COOPER, TOTALLY DOABLE.
>> IN PARTICULAR THE QUESTION OFWHAT TO DO WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE
HERE NOW, YOU ENFORCE THE LAW.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ILLEGALALIENS BILL CLINTON-- CLINTON
DEPORTED?
12 MILLION.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ILLEGALALIENS GEORGE BUSH DEPORTD, 10
MILLION.
>> NOW THIS IS TRUE, IF WORDSDON'T MEAN WHAT THEY MEAN.
(LAUGHTER)
BECAUSE WHEN CRUZ SAYS BUSHAND CLINTON DEPORTED 10 AND 12
MILLION IMMIGRANTS, HE ISTALKING OVERWHELMINGLY ABOUT
IMMIGRANTS WHO WERE STOPPEDAT THE BORDER AND TURNED AWAY.
NOT KICKING OUT PEOPLE WHO BUILDHERE NOW WHICH IS WHAT
HE IS PROPOATION.
SO WHAT CRUZ SAID IS FALSEBECAUSE HE'S TAKING SOMETHING
PRETTY EASY TO DO, ANDPRETENDING IT'S SOMETHING
DIFFERENT THAT IS A LOT HARDER.
SO I RATE THIS A MILLI VANILLI.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
NEXT UP.
>> I STARTED AS A SECRETARY.
I FOUGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OFCORPORATE AMERICA WHILE BEING
CALLED EVERY B-WORD IN THE BOOK.
>> NOW THIS IS PARTLY TRUE.
CARLY FIORINA DID START HERCAREER AS A SECRETARY AT A
BROKERAGE FIRM AND WORKED HERWAY UP TO C.E.O.
BUT WAS SHE CALLED EVERY B WORDIN THE BOOK?
WELL, LET'S CHECK.
HMMMM...
OKAY, YUP, YEAH, THAT ONE--DEFINITELY THAT ONE, A FEW
TIMES.
YEAH, OH, HERE'S ONE.
BANSHEE.
NO, THAT ONE SHE PROBABLY WASCALLED.
OKAY, BUBBLY, BREEZY,BELIEVABLE.
OKAY, THOSE ARE B-WORDS CARLYFIORINA HAS NEVER BEEN CALLED.
SO I AM GOING TO GIVE THIS ONE AB FOR BULL [BLEEP]
(APPLAUSE)
OKAY.
THAT REMINDS ME, I WANT TOCIRCLE BACK AROUND TO TED CRUZ
WHO HAD SOME CRITICISM OFPRESIDENT OBAMA'S SYRIA POLICY.
>> THEY'RE SEARCHING FOR THESEMYTHICAL MODERATE REBELS.
IT'S LIKE A PURPLE UNICORN.
THEY NEVER EXIST.
>> NOW THIS ONE IS COMPLICATED.
DO MODERATE REBELS EXIST?
THAT PARTLY DEPENDS ON HOW YOUDEFINE MODERATE.
ARE THE FREE SYRIAN ARMYMODERATE, ARE THE KURDS?
THE ONLY FACT ALL JUDGEMENT ICAN MAKE IS THAT TED CRUZ IS
WRONG ABOUT PURPLE UNICORNS,WHICH DO EXIST.
THOUGH UNLIKE REBELS, THEIRTANKS SHOOT RAINBOWS AND ARE
POWERED BY THE MOON.
THAT SAID, I CAN'T BLAME TEDCRUZ FOR NOT BEING AWARE OF THE
UNICORNS BECAUSE AS EVERYONEKNOWS UNICORNS ONLY SHOW
THEMSELVES TO LITTLE GIRLS WHODON'T CRY WHEN MOMMIES AND
DADDIES FIGHT.
(LAUGHTER)
SO I GIVE CRUZ A WARM MEMORY.
YOU GOT, THIS DESI, LYDICS AREWINNERS.
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT.
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE, HE MADESOME BIG PROMISES ABOUT
DIPLOMACY.
>> BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS,WHEN I STAND ACROSS FROM KING
HUSSEIN OF JORDAN I SAY TO HIM,YOU HAVE A FRIEND, AGAIN, SIR,
WHO WILL STAND WITH YOU TO FIGHTTHIS FIGHT.
>> CHRIS CHRISTIE SAYS WILLSTAND ACROSS FROM KING HUSSEIN
OF JORDAN AND SAY I WILL STANDWITH YOU.
AND KING HUSSEIN WILL SAY, THANKYOU, BUT I HAVE BEEN DEAD SINCE
1999.
(LAUGHTER)
AND FINALLY, THE MOST LASVEGAS CANDIDATE ON THE STAGE.
>> OUR COUNTRY DOESN'T WIN ANYMORE.
NOTHING WORKS IN OUR COUNTRY.
>> WELL, CERTAINLY NOT CONDOMS,AM I RIGHT?
OUR COUNTRY DOESN'T WIN ANYMORE?
DO YOU FOLLOW WOMEN SOCCER?
WE WIN AT SPORTS THAT WE DON'TEVEN CARE ABOUT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND NOTHING WORKS IN OURCOUNTRY?
SEAL TEAM 6, FAST AND FURIOUS 6,THESE SPANX ARE HOLD ON
PRETTY STRONG.
THERE ARE LOADS OF THINGS INTHIS COUNTRY THAT WORK.
BUT TO BE FAIR TO DONALD TRUMP,SOME THINGS IN AMERICA ARE
BROKEN.
FOR INSTANCE, IF OUR POLITICALSYSTEM WAS WORKING PROPERLY,
THERE IS NO WAY HE WOULD BE THEREPUBLICAN FRONTRUNNER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TREVOR?
>> Trevor: DESI LYDIC,EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS GOING TO BE MYFIRST CHRISTMAS IN AMERICA AS
HOST OF THE "THE DAILY SHOW,"AND I HAVE BEEN HEARING A LOT
ABOUT THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS.
APPARENTLY, SOME PEOPLE FEELCHRISTMAS IS UNDER ATTACK AND
THAT IT'S NOT BEING TREATED WITHTHE RESPECT IT DESERVES.
NOW, I ASTRONAUT IT WASN'T SUCHA BIG DEAL.
BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I SAW THIS.
>> A HOME OWNER IN SOUTHERN OHIOIS FIGHTING CITY HALL OVER HIS
SO-CALLED NATIVITY SCENE.
JASON DIXON SAYS HIS ZOMBIENATIVITY RUBS PEOPLE THE WRONG
WAY BECAUSE THE BABY JESUS ANDEVERYONE ELSE ARE ZOMBIES.
>> NEIGHBORS ARE PRETTY OFFENDEDAND FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW
THE MAN IS TOLD, TAKE IT DOWN.
>> Trevor: REALLY?
JESUS AS A ZOMBIE?
I MEAN, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHYTHE INN KEEPER SAID THERE WAS NO
ROOM.
BUT, I MEAN, THIS IS GETTING TOOFAR.
AND NOW THE OWNER IS GETTINGINTO TROUBLE FOR WHAT HE'S DONE.
FOR MORE, JOINED BY JESSICAWILLIAMS WITH A SENSE FOR
CHRISTMAS EQUALITY.
JORDAN KLEPPER FROM FREESANTA.org AND FROM THE
CHRISTMAS DIVISION OF BLACKLIVES MATTER ROY WOOD JUNIOR,
EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
JESSICA, I'LL START WITH YOU --
>> THANK YOU, TREVOR.
THERE IS NO WAR ON CHRISTMAS.
IT'S A BIGGER ISSUE HERE.
IT'S ZOMBIE RIGHTS.
THE CITY WASN'T UPSET BECAUSESOME GUY HAD A NATIVITY SCENE
ON HIS LAWN.
IT WAS WHO HE INCLUDED IN IT.
LET'S NOT PRETEND THIS COUNTRYDOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
ZOMBIES.
SURE, THEY'RE REPRESENTED ON TVBUT THERE IS STILL A LOT OF HATE
AND FEAR.
>> Trevor: VERY INTERESTING.
JORDAN, YOUR THOUGHTS?
>> THE REAL PROBLEM HERE,POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.
ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S OFFENSIVEOCELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ON MY HOLIDAYCARD THIS YEAR?
NO SANTA, NO RED AND GREEN, JUSTA SNOWFLAKE AND BLACK AND
WHITE --
>> PLEASE, PLEASE, YOU WHITE?
>> Trevor: ROY? YOU WANNA SAYSOMETHING?
>> OH PLEASE.
THE REAL THING RUINING CHRISTMASIS THE CHICAGO POLICE!
THEY'RE RELEASING A POLICEBRUTALITY VIDEO EVERY DAY.
I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR THE SEASONTO COME OUT ON D.V.D. AND BINGE
IT.
EVERY WEEK IS SOMETHING NEW.
IT'S LIKE THE SADDESTADVENT CALENDAR EVER.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT CHOCOLATEIN THOSE, NOT POLICE SHOOTING AT
CHOCOLATE: BLACK LIVES MATTER,TREVOR!
>> Trevor: I THINK YOU'REGETTING OFF TOPIC.
YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT.
JESS, YOU'RE BLACK.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Trevor: IS IT A BLACK LIVESMATTER ISSUE?
>> NO, IT'S A DEAD LIVES MATTERISSUE.
WE'RE FREAKING OUT BECAUSETHEY'RE MAKING SWEET BABY JESUS
A ZOMBIE.
BUT I'M LIKE, HELLO! HE CAMEBACK FROM THE DEAD!
IT'S 2015, PEOPLE. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SENSITIVITY HERE!
MY BEST FRIEND'S A ZOMBIE ANDAND WHEN WE GO OUT TOGETHER, YOU
KNOW THE LOOKS WE GET?
>> Trevor: I APOLOGIZE, ITHOUGHT HE WAS A HIPSTER.
>> NO, DON'T APOLOGIZE!
WE CAN'T LET POLITICALCORRECTNESS RUIN OUR LIVES!
EVERY TIME I HAVE TO SAY HAPPYHOLIDAYS, MY CHRISTMAS BONER
GETS SOFTER!
>> YOU KNOW WHO THEY HIRED TOPLAY SANTA CLAUS AT THE MALL?
A LADY.... A BLACK LADY!
>> A BLACK LADY SANTA CLAUS?
>> YES!
>> I GUESS PEOPLE LIKE MESHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO GO TO
SANTACON, THEN?
>> NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
>> PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TODRESS UP HOW FAR THEY WANT.
>>Trevor: JESSICA, WELL WOULDYOU BE OKAY WITH PEOPLE WEARING
ZOMBIE COSTUMES FOR HALLOWEEN?
>> ZOMBIE FACE?
HOW COULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT,TREVOR?
IT'S ONE THING TO DRESS UP ASSANTA, HE HAS POWER, BUT ZOMBIES
DON'T.
THIS MINORITY LITERALLY HAD TORISE UP FROM THE DEAD!
>> RISE UP?
>> YES!
>> RISE UP?
I TELL YOU WHO SHOULD RISE UP,THE PEOPLE OF CHICAGO!
THEY NEED ANSWERS!
>> I THINK THEY'VE DONE ENOUGH.
THOSE PROTESTS ARE SCARY, OKAY?
>> SCARY?
>> THERE AS ARE SO MANY BLACKPEOPLE TOGETHER!
>> WHAT!
I'LL TELL YOU WHO'S SCARY, THEAYOR OF CHICAGO, RAHM EMANUEL!
HE'S GOT THAT WEIRD HALF FINGER,MAN.
I DON'T TRUST A MAN WHO CAN'TPLAY MADDEN OR SHUFFLE CARDS.
HOW CAN YOU SAY BLACK LIVESMATTER WHEN YOU DON'T THINK YOUR
OWN FINGER MATTERS?
HE CAN ONLY COUNT TO NINE AND AHALF, TREVOR!
>> I BET HE GETS TO PARK IN THEHANDICAPPED SPACE, TOO!
>> REALLY, JORDAN?
(ARGUING)
>> Trevor: ROY, TURN AROUND.
WE CAN'T SEE YOU.
WE -- NO.
(ARGUING LOUDLY)
>> Trevor: I'M GOING TO NEED YOUGUYS TO CALM DOWN.
JORDAN!
JORDAN, JESS, ROY, WE'VE GOT TOGO.
ANY FINAL THOUGHTS?
JORDAN, WE'LL START WITH YOU.
>> HE GETS TO GO FIRST.
>> IS THAT OFFENSIVE?
>> Trevor: JESSICA, JORDAN,ROY, EVERYONE.
WITH DONALD TRUMP STILL LEADINGTHE G.O.P. RACE, THE BIG
QUESTION IS, WHY THE HELL?
WHICH IS WHY MANY NEWSORGANIZATIONS HAVE BEEN HOLDING
FOCUS GROUPS WITH TRUMPSUPPORTERS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT
HIS APPEAL.
WHICH IS SILLY AND A WASTE OFEVERYONE'S TIME, BECAUSE "THE
DAILY SHOW" ALREADY DID ITS OWNFOCUS GROUP WITH OTHER REAL
TRUMP SUPPORTERS.
JORDAN KLEPPER HAS MORE.
>> JUST WHO ARE TRUMP VOTERS?
I WENT TO LAS VEGAS, SITE OF THEFINAL G.O.P. DEBATE OF 2015 AND
SET UP MY OWN FOCUS GROUP OFREAL TRUMP SUPPORTERS TO ASK THE
BIG QUESTION -- WHY?
>> WHY I LIKE TRUMP IS HE'S NOTA POLITICIAN.
>> HE'S NOT TAKING ANY CRAP FROMANYBODY.
>> HE HAS NO FILTERS.
>> THAT'S A GOOD THING IN WE'REON THE SAME PAGE?
>> YES.
DO YOU WANT A PRESIDENT IN THEREWHO WALKS ON EGG SHELLS AND NOT
WANTING TO HURT THIS OR THATCOMMUNITY?
>> YES.
SO A PRESIDENT THAT SAYS THINGSLIKE THIS --
>> WHEN MEXICO SENDS ITS PEOPLE,THEY'RE BRINGING DRUGS, THEY'RE
BRINGING CRIME, THEY'RERAPISTS --
>> DID HE SAY EVERY SINGLEPERSON WHO COMES ACROSS OUR
BORDERS ARE CRIMINALS, RAPISTSOR DRUG DEALERS?
I BELIEVE HE SAID A MAJORITY OFTHEM.
NOBODY'S DISPUTING THE FIGURES.
LOOK AT THE PEOPLE THAT ARECOMING ACROSS THE BORDER
ILLEGALLY.
ARE THE VAST MAJORITY REPUTABLEPEOPLE THAT WANT TO GIVE TO THE
COMMUNITY?
>> YEAH.
>> I'M SAYING A VAST MAJORITYCAUGHT BY THE BORED GUARDS
SMUGGLING DRUGS, RAPING WOMENAND EVERYTHING ELSE?
UNFORTUNATELY, A VAST MAJORITYOF THEM ARE OVERSHADOWING THE
GOOD ONES.
>> IN THATSTATEMENT YOU HAD FOUR VAST
MAJORITIES.
>> VAST MAJORITY.
>>N DO THESTATISTICS MATTER?
>> I THINK THE STATISTICS ARETHERE.
>> I THINK THEVAST MAJORITY OF YOUR STATISTICS
ARE BULL (BLEEP).
>> DO YOU?
>> YES.
>> THAT COULD VERY WELL BE.
>> OKAY, SO IF THACTSDON'T MATTER, WHAT DOES MATTER?
TRUMP SAID HE WANTS TO BAN ALLMUSLIMS COMING TO THIS COUNTRY.
>> HE'S NOT SINGLING OUT THISGROUP BECAUSE OF THEIR RELIGIOUS
BELIEFS.
>> HE IS CHOOSING THEIR RELIGIONAS THE ONE IDENTIFIER TO
KEEP THEM OUT.
>> MAYBE HE'S NOT AS ARTICULATEAS WE WOULD LIKE.
>> HE'S SAYING A LOT OF THINGSWE ARE THINKING OR WANT TO SAY.
>> HAVE YOU EVER SAID I THINK WESHOULD STOP ALL MEMEBERS
OF ONE RELIGION FROM ENTERINGINTO OUR COUNTRY?
>> NO, BUT YOU HAVE TO STARTSOMEWHERE.
>> I THINK WHAT EVERYONE ISOVERLOOKING IS TRUMP BROUGHT
THIS TO THE FOREFRONT.
MAYBE IT WAS CRUDE AND MAYBE ALOT OF US DON'T AGREE WITH THAT
POSITION, BUT WHAT HE HAS DONEIS EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.
>> I CAN WALK INTO MY FRIEND'SAPARTMENT, TAKE A (BLEEP) ON HIS
RUG AND EVERYONE'S TALKINGABOUT WHETHER HE SHOULD
GET A NEW RUG, DOESN'T MAKE METHE GOOD GUY.
>> NEGATIVE ATTENTION ISSOMETIMES BETTER THAN NO
ATTENTION AT ALL.
>> SO THEIR CANDIDATE DROPPING ADEUCE IS A WORTHWHILE
CONVERSATION STARTER.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE (BLEEP) THATCOMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH?
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME CALLED"WHO SAID IT: DONALD TRUMP OR
RACIST SANDWICH"?
HI, I SMELL LIKE ROAST BEEF ANDI THINK MEXICANS ARE HERE TO
RAPE PEOPLE AND COMMIT CRIMES.
>> I'M GOING WITH SANDWICH ONTHAT.
RACIST SANDWICH.
>> YOU ARE RIGHT.
ANOTHER ONE.
TRUMP OR RACIST SANDWICH?
I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITHTHE BLACKS.
I'VE ALWAYS HAD A GREATRELATIONSHIP WITH THE BLACKS.
>> TRUMP.
>> YOU'RE HOLDING OUT.
>> ME?
I WOULD SAY TRUMP, TOO.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT FOR ASECOND.
>> THIS IS THE GUY YOU TWICE AREGOING TO VOTE FOR, RIGHT?
>> MM-HMM.
>> TWO THINGS: I HATE, BANANAPEPPERS AND MUSLIMS.
>> RACIST SANDWICH.
>> YOU'RE THINKING ON THAT ONE.
>> I DID THINK ABOUT IT, BUT,YEAH.
>> WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY THINKINGABOUT IT, IT'S DIFFICULT TO TELL
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT ARACIST SANDWICH WOULD SAY
AND YOUR PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE?
IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN!
(APPLAUSE)BUT IS THERE ANY LINE THAT
DONALD TRUMP CAN CROSS THATMIGHT CAUSE THEM TO CHANGE THEIR
VOTE?
ALL RIGHT, THIS GAME IS CALLEDTRUMP CARD.
DROP THE DONALD FACE IF IT WOULDCAUSE DONALD TRUMP TO LOSE YOUR
VOTE, ALL RIGHT?
WOULD YOU SUPPORT DONALD TRUMPIF HE MADE FUN OF A DISABLED
REPORTER?
STILL VOTING FOR HIM.
MADE FUN OF ALL CHINESE PEOPLE?
EVERYBODY STILL COOL WITH THAT?
OKAY.
JUST LOOKING FOR THAT LINE.
WOULD YOU SUPPORT DONALD TRUMPIF HE SAID THERE SHOULD BE A
REGISTRY FOR ALL MUSLIMS?
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF JEWS?
I STILL SEE TWO TRUMPS IN THEAIR!
OKAY.
JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOOD TO KNOWWHERE THE JEWS ARE?
I TRIED FOR HOURS AND HOURSRIGOROUSLY STUDYING THESE
FASCINATING CREATURES.
THIS IS A GROUP THAT DOESN'TLIKE STATISTICS, THINKS MUSLIMS
NEED NOT APPLY, SOME WOULDCONSIDER ROUNDING OF THE JEWS,
BUT HOW ARE THERE SO MANY OFTHEM?
>> FOR SOME REASON, TRUMP, THEMORE BIZARRE HE GETS, THE MORE
PEOPLE LIKE HIM.
>> BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THOSEPEOPLE.
>> I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
>> WHY?
(LAUGHTER)
AT LAST, WE HAD REACHEDCOMMON GROUND.
EVEN SOME TRUMP SUPPORTERS CAN'TWRAP THEIR HEAD AROUND WHY
PEOPLE SUPPORT TRUMP.
LET'S TALK ABOUTPETTY GROUPS OF PEOPLE FROM HOT
CLIMATES WHO FIGHT NON-STOP.
(LAUGHTER)
NO, NOT THAT GROUP.
THE OTHER ONE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I.S.I.S.
THE ATLANTA HOUSEWIVES OF THEMIDDLE EAST.
(LAUGHTER)
MANY PEOPLE THINK OF I.S.I.S.AS TERRORISTS WITH A VIOLENT
HATRED OF THE WEST, BUT THAT'SA MISCONCEPTION.
YOU SEE, THEY VIOLENTLY HATE THEEAST, TOO.
BACK IN 2014, THE LEADER OFI.S.I.S. LISTED CHINA AS ONE OF
ITS ENEMIES AND A FEW WEEKS AGOTHEY EXECUTED A CHINESE HOSTAGE.
AND, NOW, I.S.I.S. HAS EVENRELEASED A PROPAGANDA VIDEO
HIGHLIGHTING ONE VERY SPECIALCHINESE MILITANT.
>> I WENT TO THE ISLAMIC STATEAND CAME TO TRAINING CAMP,
DESPITE MY OLD AGE.
YES, I WENT TO TRAINING CAMP.
AFTER RECEIVING A WEAPON, IASKED PERMISSION TO PARTICIPATE
IN BATTLE.
>> Trevor: YES, AN 80-YEAR-OLDCHINESE GRANDFATHER IS THE
OLDEST MEMBER OF I.S.I.S.
AND, LOOK -- I KNOW HE'S ATERRORIST WITH AN AK-47, BUT
THERE IS SOMETHING SO CUTE ABOUTTHIS GUY.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEYRADICALIZED THE OLD MAN FROM
"UP."
(LAUGHTER)
"I'LL MAKE YOU AS DEAD AS MYLOVELY WHY HAVE WHO PASSED AWAY
WHILE I STOOD BY HER BEDSIDE!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
"AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING,I.S.I.S. HAS BEGAN TO RECRUIT
CHINESE MUSLIMS OF ALL AGES FORTHEIR HOLY WAR.
WHICH IS INSANE THAT I.S.I.S. ISWORRIED ABOUT DIVERSITY BECAUSE
THEY'RE NOT OTHERWISE KNOWN FORTHEIR POLITICAL CORRECTNESS,
PEOPLE, BUT THEY WERE SITTINGAROUND GOING, WE NEED ASIANS!
SO THE BIG QUESTION IS, WHAT ISTHEIR NEW STRATEGY?
>> THE ISLAMIC STATE REPORTEDLYRELEASED A VIDEO THAT LOOKS TO
DRAW RECRUITS FROM CHINA BY ASONG.
IT'S A 4-MINUTE SONG SUNG INMANDARIN AND CALLS ON MUSLIM
BROTHERS TO AWAKEN.
>> Trevor: JUST THINK ABOUT THATFOR A SECOND --
THERE'S A DIVISION OF I.S.I.S.THAT JUST MAKES MUSIC.
NOW, IMAGINE IF YOU WERE TO HEADALL THE WAY INTO SYRIA TO JOIN
I.S.I.S., TREKKING THOUSANDS OFMILES ACROSS DANGEROUS BORDERS,
LEAVING BEHIND YOUR FAMILY, ANDYOU FINALLY GET THERE AND THEY
PUT YOU IN THE CHOIR.
(LAUGHTER)
I HAVE COME HERE TO WAGE WAR!
NOT WITH THAT RICH SILKYBARATONE -- NOW GIVE ME "UPTOWN
GIRL"!
A-TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNIER ISWHEN YOU HEAR THE ACTUAL I
I.S.I.S. TRACK.
>> al-HAYAT MEDIA CENTERPRESENTS --
>> Trevor: WAIT, LET'S STOP THATFOR A SECOND -- al-HAYAT MEDIA
CENTER?
THAT'S A WEAKASS RECORDLABEL NAME IF EVER I HEARD ONE,
I.S.I.S.
SOUNDS LIKE THE ROOM IN THEHOTEL WITH 30 CENTS A MINUTE
INTERNET.
THAT'S YOUR RECORD LABEL?
THEY NEED TO BE INTIMIDATING --BAD BOY!
RUFF RYDERS!
DEATH ROW.
THEY COULD'VE AT LEAST GONE WITHSOMETHING COOL LIKE AT LEAST
"JIHAD UNIT"!
OR "72 VIRGIN RECORDS"!
OR "IRAQ-A-FELLA"!
SO MANY THINGS, THEY HAVE SOMANY OPTIONS!
(APPLAUSE)
SO THAT'S MISTAKE NUMBER ONE.
BUT, AGAIN, LET'S HEAR THEACTUAL TRACK.
(MUSIC)
(MUSIC)
>> Trevor: I GUESS WE KNOW WHEREP.M. DAWN WENT.
I KNOW PEOPLE SAY THIS A LOT --BUT I.S.I.S. IS TERRIBLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
(LAUGHTER)
MAYBE THEY'RE JUST TRYING TOSAVE THEMSELVES SOME WORK
BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TOTHAT SONG FOR FIVE MORE SECONDS,
I WOULD SAW MY OWN HEAD OFF.
(LAUGHTER)
I EXPECTED SO MUCH MORE FROM AGROUP LED BY A GUY WHO LOOKS
LIKE RICK RUBIN.
I MEAN, REALLY, THIS?
(SINGING)
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TOWAGE JIHAD OR WAIT FOR MY
MASSEUSE TO SHOW UP.
YEAH, IT'S MY 2:00 P.M. HOTSTONING APPOINTMENT.
THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.
I.S.I.S., THANKS FOR TRYING BUTYOU'RE SCREWED BECAUSE IF
ANYBODY'S GOING TO TAKE OVER THEWORLD USING MUSIC, IT'S GOING TO
BE ADELE.
WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH GUNS.
CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM...
CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM.
I MEAN, UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOULIVE IN AUSTRALIA OR ENGLAND.
(LAUGHTER)
OR ITALY OR JAPAN.
ANYWAY, THE POINT -- OH, ORDENMARK OR LUXEMBOURG.
THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING, ALWAYSFORGET LUXEMBOURG.
THE POINT, IS YOU CAN'T LIVEWITHOUT GUNS BECAUSE WITHOUT
THEM LIFE ISN'T THE SAME BECAUSEGUNS CAN DO PRETTY MUCH
ANYTHING.
YOU CAN GO HUNTING, YOU CANCOMBINE THEM WITH ROSES --
(LAUGHTER)
-- AND THEY CAN EVEN MAKEA RACCOON LOOK BAD-ASS, ALL OF
WHICH MAY EXPLAIN WHY IN THEWAKE OF THE SAN BERNARDINO
SHOOTING AMERICANS RESPONDEDIN THE WAY THAT THEY DID.
>> AT A GUN SHOP LESS THAN TWOMILES FROM THE SCENE OF LAST
WEEK'S MASSACRE, MORE THAN TWODOZEN PEOPLE WERE LINED UP
OUTSIDE WHEN IT OPENED THISMORNING.
>> GUN LEGISLATION FRONT ANDCENTER WHICH ONLY GETS ALL THE
PEOPLE WHO WANT GUNS TO RUN ANDGO GET THEM.
>> Trevor: WELL, SO -- THIS ISSO CONFUSING TO ME.
SO PEOPLE GET SHOT, AND SOPEOPLE GO OUT AND BUY GUNS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLEAREN'T BUYING BULLET-PROOF
VESTS.
HOW IS THAT NOT ON THE TOP OFEVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS LIST?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!
(LAUGHTER)
I WANT A VEST.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.
I WANT A VEST.
NOW, THE REASON SOME PEOPLE AREDOING THIS IS BECAUSE THERE IS A
FEAR THAT THE GOVERNMENT ISGOING TO TAKE AWAY ALL THE GUNS,
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHYPEOPLE THINK THIS, YOU KNOW.
WHY DO YOU THINK THIS?
BECAUSE MS. SHOOTINGS ARE HERETO STAY.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THISSHOOTING IS THE ONE THAT'S GOING
TO START GUN CONTROL?
THERE HAVE BEEN 26 MASSSHOOTINGS IN AMERICA JUST SINCE
OBAMA'S BEEN IN OFFICE.
I MEAN, AT THIS POINT, HE GIVESSO MANY MASS SHOOTING SPEECHES
HE MAY AS WELL JUST WALK AROUNDWITH A PODIUM AS HIS BELT
BUCKLE, SO HE'S ALWAYS READY TOGO.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S SO FUNNY.
I MEAN, IF AMERICA HASN'T BANNEDGUNS BY NOW, I THINK GUN OWNERS
CAN REST EASY.
BUT I GET IT, MANY AMERICANSFEEL LIKE THEY NEED PROTECTION
AND, FOR SOME, THE BEST FORM OFDEFENSE IS ATTACK.
>> THE GUN RANGE WHERE SAYEDRIZWAN FAROOK DID SOME TARGET
PRACTICE TWO DAYS BEFORE HEKILLED 14 CO-WORKERS.
BUSINESS THERE IS UP 60% SINCETHE ATTACK.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Trevor: THE SHOOTINGRANGE WHERE THE TERRORIST
PRACTICED GOT AFTER 60% INCREASEIN BUSINESS.
THAT'S WEIRD LOGIC.
PEOPLE WERE, LIKE, YEAH, YEAH,LOOK, I KNOW THEY WERE
TERRORISTS, BUT YOU CAN'T KNOCKTHE TRAINING.
YOU DON'T GO TO THE PLACE WHERETHE ASSHOLES LEARNED THEIR
CRAFT!
I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE GOING TOLEARN FROM THE COBRA KI AFTER
YOU WATCHED JOHNNY SWEEP THELEG!
THAT IS NOT COOL!
YOU LEARN FROM MR. MIYAGI, ANDHE GIVES YOU A VEST!
(LAUGHTER)
BUT NOT EVERYONE THINKSTHE ANSWER IS MORE GUNS.
SOME PEOPLE THINK THE ANSWER ISBIGGER GUNS.
>> AFTER THE LATEST MASSSHOOTING IN SAN BERNARDINO,
NORTHEASTERN UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCEAGO CONTROVERSIAL PLAN TO ARM
CAMPUS OFFICERS WITHSEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLES.
>> Trevor: HMM...
SO NOW, STUDENTS CAN GO TO APLACE WHERE THEY LIVE FOR YEARS
EATING (BLEEP)Y MEALS, SPENDINGMOST TIME SHARING A TINY ROOM
WITH A STRANGER, EXPERIMENTINGWITH SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS ALL
THE WHILE GUARDS PATROLLING WITHAR-15.
YOU GUYS HAVE OFFICIALLY TURNEDCOLLEGE INTO PRISON.
(APPLAUSE)
NOW, IF THERE IS ONE THINGI'VE LEARNED LIVING IN AMERICA,
THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP ABAD GUY WITH A GUN AND, FOR
THAT, JORDAN KLEPPER FILEDTHIS REPORT.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY DAY THEREIS A NEW MASS SHOOTING, BUT TURN
ON THE TV AND THE SOLUTION ISCRISTING CLEAR.
>> WE SHOULD ARM THE GOOD GUYS.
>> WHETHER IN DEMIES OR ACLASSROOM.
>> THE ONLY THING THAT STOPS ABAD GUY WITH A GUN --
>> IS A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
>> GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
>> ONE GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
>> IS A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
>> SOUNDS LIKE A FOOLPROOF PLAN.
TIME TO DO MY DUTY.
IT'S TIME TO BECOME JORDANKLEPPER, GOOD GUY WITH A GUN!
THE FIRST THING ANY GOOD GUYWITH A GUN NEEDS IS HIS
CONCEALED HANDGUN LICENSE WHICH,IN OBAMA'S NEW YORK CITY IS
ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GET.
LUCKILY, IT'S SUPER EASY INFLORIDA.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO (BLEEP)LIVE THERE.
YOU CAN JUST MAIL IN ANAPPLICATION AND ONCE THAT GETS
APPROVED IT INSTANTLY BECOMESVALID IN THESE 30 STATES.
SO ALL I HAVE TO DO TO QUALIFYFOR MY HANDGUN LICENSE IS BUY A
STAMP AND PASS ANY N.R.A. GUNSAFETY COURSE.
BUCKLE UP, BUTTER CUP, DADDY'SPACKIN'.
I'VE COME TO THE NOARNLGFIREARMS ACADEMY TO PRACTICE
WITH CEE LO GREEN IMPERSONATORCHIEF DICKERSON.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
>> WE HAVE SOME HANDGUNS.
THIS IS A GLOCK MODEL 19.
>> WHICH ONE DOES THIS GOOD GUYGET?
>> THIS ONE.
SERIOUSLY?
THIS MUSTARD-COLOR TOY?
>> THAT IS A PLASTIC TRAININGGUN AND WE'RE GOING TO KEEP IT
POINTING IN THE SAME DIRECTIONAS THOUGH IT WERE A REAL
FIREARM.
IT'S CALLED MUZZLE DISCIPLINE TOKNOW WHERE THE MUZZLE IS
POINTING AT ALL TIMES.
>> I DON'T HAVE MUZZLEDISCIPLINE.
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I DON'TOBEY ANY RULES.
I'M A WILDCARD.
>> YOU HAVE TO OBEY ALL THERULES WHEN IT COMES TO A
FIREARM.
>> NO, I'M A RULE BREAKER.
>> DON'T BREAK THESE RULES...BECAUSE SOMEONE COULD DIE OR YOU
COULD BECOME INCARCERATED.
>> TEACH ME HOW TO SHOOT A GUN.
CHIEF BROKE DOWN ALL THE KEYPOINTS OF FIREARM SAFETY LIKE
AIMING.
>> CONTACT ON THE GRIP.
WRAP THOSE AROUND.
THAT'S HOW YOU AIM.
>> SUCK ON THIS METAL.
>> NOT LIKE THAT.
KEEP THE GUN JUST LIKE THAT.
>> CAN'T TALK WITH A GUN IN YOURMOUTH.
>> NO, NOT TURN THE GUNSIDEWAYS.
KEEP THE GUN VERTICAL, UP ANDDOWN.
>> IF I HOLD IT LIKE THIS, CAN ISTILL SAY "SUCK ON THIS PIECE"?
>> NO, GOOD GUYS DON'T TELL BADGUYS TO SUCK ON THEIR PIECE
BEFORE THEY SHOOT THEM.
>> WHAT DO THEY DO?
TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT.
THEN I WAS AMBUSHED BY AGRUELING WRITTEN EXAM, THREE
ENTIRE PAGES, DOUBLE-SIDED,MULTIPLE CHOICE.
STOP FIDDLING WITH IT.
YOU WILL BREAK IT OFF.
WHAT MY MOM USED TO SAY.
THE TEST CONTAINED BRAIN BUSTERSLIKE TRUE OR FALSE, ALWAYS KEEP
YOUR GUN POINTED IN A SAFEDIRECTION.
>> THAT'S A QUESTION.
PRETTY MUCH A NO-BRAINER.
TRUE.
>> YEAH.
IT WAS TOUGH BUT, LUCKILY, IHAD A FEW BULLETS UP MY SLEEVE.
>> YOU A CHER FAN,I DO NOT LIKE CHER.
>> I DO NOT LIKE LICK CHER. >> MORE FOR ME.
NOW THERE'S ONLY ONE THINGBETWEEN ME, CHER AND SAVING
AMERICAN LIVES: FIRING ANACTUAL, FOR REAL-LIFE HANDGUN.
TURNS OUT I'M A (BLEEP)INGNATURAL.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU DID.
>> I WAS TRYING TO HIT HIM INTHE DICK BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME
A CROTCH.
>> JUST WANT TO KEEP THE SHOTSIN THE CENTER OF THE TARGET.
>> MAKE THE TARGET BIGGER SO THECROTCH IS IN THE CENTER.
RIGHT HERE IS JUST TOTAL CROTCH.
>> RIGHT NOW WE'RE JUST TRYINGTO KEEP OUR SHOTS IN THE CENTER
OF THE TARGET.
>> SO -- HOW DID I DO?
GOOD TO GO.
GO YOU PASSED.
>> I COME BACK TOMORROW, WECONTINUE THE TRAINING?
>> IF YOU WANT TO TRAIN MORE,BUT THIS IS GOOD.
>> THIS IS IT?
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
THERE YOU GO.
>> I KNEW IT!
I KNEW IT!
I KNEW IT!
I HAD GONE FROM GUN IDIOT TOIDIOT WITH A GUN, LICENSED TO
CARRY A CONCEALED WEAPON IN MOSTTO HAVE THE COUNTRY AND PROBABLY
IN YOUR STATE.
AFTER EIGHT HOURS OF TRAINING, IWAS READY TO HANDLE EVERY CRISIS
SITUATION.
>> YOU'RE NOT READY TO HANDLEEVERY CRISIS SITUATION.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
FIND OUT WHO THIS IS IN PART TWOOF JORDAN KLEPPER, GOOD GUY WITH
A GUN!
WHEN WE LEFT JORDAN, HE WASNEWLY LICENSED TO CARRY A
CONCEALED WEAPON IN MOST OFAMERICA.
HOORAY!
(LAUGHTER)
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HE DOESWITH THAT LICENSE IN PART TWO.
>> AFTER ALMOST EIGHT ENTIREHOURS, I'D COMPLETED ALL THE
TRAINING NEEDED TO GET ACONCEALED HANDGUN LICENSE THAT
WOULD BE VALID IN 30 STATES.
>> GOOD JOB.
BUT NOW THIS MUSCULARSTRANGER WAS TELLING ME I WASN'T
READY TO HANDLE EVERY CRISISSITUATION.
>> YOU'RE NOT READY TO HANDLEEVERY CRISIS SITUATION.
>> WHO THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU?
PETE BLAIR, DIRECTOR OF THEALERT PROGRAM.
>> ALERT, OR THE ADVANCED LAWENFORCEMENT RAPID RESPONSE
TRAINING PROGRAM, HAS TRAINEDOVER 80,000 COPS TO RESPOND TO
ACTIVE SHOOTER EVENTS.
SO WHY WAS THIS DUDE TRYING TOJAM UP ON MY GUN NUTS?
>> BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD ONE DAY OFTRAINING.
>> I SEE HOW IT IS.
YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS.
>> IT WOULDN'T WANT TO TAKE WAYANYONE'S GUN BUT I WANT TO TRAIN
THEM.
>> 30 STATES, THE N.R.A. ANDUNCLE SAM ALL THINK I'M GOOD TO
GO WHEN IT COMES TO GUNS.
>> HOW MANY ROUNDS DID YOUSHOOT?
>> IS ROUNDS BULLETS?
>> YEAH.
>> A TON.
>> 10, 20, 30, 50?
>> YEAH, AND AT THE PAPER.
>> I RECOMMEND MORE TRAINING.
>> COME AT ME, BRO.
>> THIS IS YOUR WEAPON. AGAIN,I'M HANDING IT TO YOU AS A HOT
WEAPON.
>> ALERT AGREED TO TEST MYEASTWOOD REFLEXES IN THE
FOLLOWING SITUATION:
THERE'S AN ACTIVE SHOOTER IN THEBUILDING.
MY GUN SHOOTS PAINTBALL-LIKEBULLETS.
I'M THE GOOD GUY WITH A GUN TOTAKE HIM DOWN.
>> YOU NEED TO BE READY.
IT COULD HAPPEN ANY SECOND.
FROM THIS POINT ON, NEED TO BEREADY.
>> STOP!
STOP!
THAT WAS A TEST RUN.
I WASN'T READY.
>> PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BEREADY FOR IT IN REAL LIFE.
>> I GET A DO-OVER.
I PREPARED TO DO BATTLE AND GOTSHOT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
WHY IS THAT SO HARD IN THAT WASNOTHING LIKE CALL OF DUTY.
>> I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT THATSIMPLE.
>> YEAH BUT THE ONLY WAY TO STOPA BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS A GOOD
GUY WITH A GUN.
>> THAT'S INACCURATE.
ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE SHOOTEREVENTS GETS STOPPED BY A
POTENTIAL VICTIM AT THESCENE WHO ARE USUASLLY UNARMED.
>> WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE STATS,SOME LIBERAL THINKTANK LIKE
HILLARY PAC?
>> NO, A REPORT THAT CAME OUTLAST YEAR FROM THE F.B.I.
>> OBAMA'S F.B.I.?
>> IT'S THE F.B.I.
>> YOU BELIEVE THELIBERAL CLAP TRAP?
>> I CO-AUTHORED THE REPORT.
>> I TOOK HIS REPORT PROVED MYGOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
>> SOME CASES GOOD GUYS ARE ABLETO STOP THE SHOOTER.
>> MOST CASES?>> VERY CASES.
>> HALF?
>> NOT HALF.
>> A QUARTER?
>> NO.
>> WHAT PERCENT?
>> ABOUT 3%.
>> 3%?
BUT THESE GUYS SAID THE ONLY WAYTO STOP A BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS
A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
WE MUST NOT HAVE ENOUGH GUNS.
>> IF 97% MORE PEOPLE HAD GUNS100% OF THE TIME THERE WOULD BE
ZERO% CRIME.
>> NOT SURE HOW THE MATH WORKS.
>> GUN GOES BANG, BAD GUY GOESDOWN, I GET TO HAVE SEX WITH
CHER.
>> IF YOU HAVE A GUN, WERECOMMEND AS MUCH TRAINING AS
YOU CAN GET.
>> ALERT USES THIS ABANDONEDELEMENTARY SCHOOL TO TEACH LAW
ENFORCEMENT TO RESPOND TO ACTIVESHOOTER EVENTS.
THEIR ONSITE TRAINERS HAVE OVER40 YEARS COMBINED EXPERIENCE IN
MILITARY LAW ENFORCEMENT.
TRAINING WITH THESE GUYS, IFINALLY GET "ENOUGH TRAINING."
>> THERE IS NEVER ENOUGHTRAINING.
YOU'RE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
>> IT'S NOT SO MUCH ADESTINATION.
IT'S A JOURNEY.
>> BUT THE DESTINATION ISHEROVILLE IN THE STATE OF BLOW
JOB LAND.
>> HUH?
>> IT'S JUST, I MEAN, LIKE, WHENYOU'RE A HERO, COOL STUFF
HAPPENS.
I HAVE A CONDO THERE.
SHOULD STOP BY.
I'M GETTING LOST IN THISMETAPHOR.
>> YES.
AFTER ANOTHER FOUR AND A HALFHOURS OF TRAINING, IT'S TIME TO
SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE.
I HEAR SHOTS FIRED AT ANELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
POLICE ON THE WAY, WITH INNOCENTCIVILIANS INSIDE, I HAVE TO DRAW
MY CONCEALED HANDGUN ANDRESPOND.
WITH A HIGH-TECH SAFETY HELMETTO PROTECT MY SAFE.
I'M READY.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
>> WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING ME?
>> SO THAT WASN'T THE BAD GUY.
THERE THEY ARE!
I'M BEING SHOT.
OH, THANK GOD.
THE AUTHORITIES ARE HERE.
I JUST HOPE THEY KNOW I'M A GOODGUY.
I HAD FAILED.
YOU GUYS NEED HELP?
I'M A GOOD GUY.
>> I WAS SHOT OVER 20 TIMES BYTWO DIFFERENT BAD GUYS WITH GUNS
AND THE POLICE MISTOOK ME FOR ABAD GUY AND SHOT ME A BUNCH,
TOO.
ALSO I MIGHT HAVE SHOT ANUNARMED TEEN TWICE IN THE CHEST.
BEING A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN ISSTARTING TO FEEL WAY MORE
COMPLICATED THAN MOVIES ANDPOLITICIANS MAKE IT SEEM.
>> IT'S A COMPLICATED SITUATIONAND YOU DON'T WANT TO JUST GIVE
PEOPLE GUNS -- IT REQUIRESTRAINING.
>> WHO'S GOT TIME FOR THAT MUCHTRAINING?
>> PEOPLE WHO DEDICATE THEIRLIVES TO PROTECTING OTHERS.
>> THAT'S IT, BEING A GOOD GUYWITH A GUN TAKES A LIFETIME OF
TRAINING.
WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO THEGOOD GUYS, ARE GET MILLIONS OF
THEM TO VOLUNTEER FOR TRAININGCOSTING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND
MAKE SURE THEY'RE IN THE RIGHTPLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME AND
PLACE THEM IN ALL OUR COLLEGESMALLS, CHURCHES -- YOU KNOW,
AMERICA.
JUST DO THAT.
OR...
>> CAN WE JUST, I DON'T KNOW,FIGURE OUT A WAY TO NOT PUT A
GUN IN THIS ASSHOLE'S HAND?
>> IT'S NOT MY PLACE FOR THAT.
>> THAT'S AN IDEA.
JUST TRY TO GET THIS ASSHOLE TONOT HAVE A GUN.
>> NOPE, I DON'T THINK THAT'SGOING TO HAPPEN IN OUR LIFETIME.
>> WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
AT LEAST I CAN CONCEAL A HANDGUNALMOST EVERYWHERE.
SLEEP TIGHT, AMERICA!
