Chappelle's Show
Season 1

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Zapped & It's a Wonderful Chest

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 02/03/2003
  • Views: 0

Dave takes reality TV to a new level, shows a girl who curses her breasts the error of her ways and shares outtakes from "Roots"; musical guest Talib Kweli. (18:05)

LOOK OUT, JAMIE KENNEDY !

THERE'S A NEW VIDEOPRANKSTER IN TOWN,

AND HE GOES BYTHE NAME, DAVE CHAPPELLE !

ZAPPED !

WATCH THE LOOKON THESE KIDS' FACES

WHEN DAVE TELLS THEM THEIRPARENTS ARE DEAD.

HOW'RE YOU KIDS DOING ?

WELL, KIDS,A DOCTOR'S JOB IS HARD,

AND IT NEVER GETS HARDERTHAN TELLING YOU GUYS

THAT YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD.

( children crying )

( laughing )

FOSTER CARE ISCOMING TO PICK YOU GUYS UP,

AND SOMEBODY'S GONNA ADOPT YOU,RIGHT LIKE THIS !

I WOULD.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,BE GOOD.

BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER.

HOPEFULLY, THEY DON'TSPLIT YOU UP.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE CARE.

OH, BY THE WAY,I FORGOT TO TELL YOU...

PSYCH !

I'M JUST KIDDING,COME ON OUT, MOM AND DAD,

COME ON OUT.

WHY DID YOU DOTHIS TO US ?

Y'ALL BEEN ZAPPED !

LOOK OUT, AMERICA,

'CAUSE WHEN DAVE CHAPPELLE'SAROUND, YOU MIGHT GET ZAPPED !

JULIE !

WHAT UP, PLAYBOY ?

DAMN IT, HOW COULDYOU DO THIS TO ME ?

YOU'VE WASTED EIGHT YEARSOF MY LIFE !

OH, COME ON, MAN,WITH ALL THAT SHOUTING.

DAVE CHAPPELLE ?

JEEZ, JULIE, WHY DON'TYOU JUST FUCK J.J. ?

J.J. ?

I AIN'T J.J.,BUT IT WAS DYN-O-MITE !

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT,

I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITHMY SECRETARY

FOR THE LASTTHREE AND A HALF YEARS.

WHAT ?

THIS WASN'T REAL,THIS WAS FAKE !

WELL, WHAT'S THATIN HIS PANTS ?

IT'S A DILDO, DAWG !

YOU HAVEBEEN ZAPPED !

DAVE CHAPPELLE, YOU HAVERUINED MY LIFE !

( laughing )

( cheering and applauding )

NOW, THE NEXT ONE ISTHE ONE THAT REALLY

GOT ME IN A LOT MORE TROUBLE.

THIS IS WHEN THE HEATGOT TURNED UP.

OBSERVE.

ZAPPED !

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,GET ON THE FUCKING FLOOR !

THIS IS A ROBBERY !

HEY, HEY, HEY,HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY !

STAY COOL, BIG TIME,STAY COOL !

DON'T YOU MOVE, BABY !

YOU'VE GOT 20 SECONDS TOFILL THIS BAG WITH CASH.

I DON'T WANNASEE A PEEP OUTTA YOU.

HEY, BIG TIME, WHAT YOU LOOKINGAT MY FACE FOR ?

THAT'S AGAINSTTHE PROTOCOL OF ROBBERY !

YOU THINK IT'SA FUCKIN' GAME ?

SHOOT THIS MOTHERFUCKA.

( shooting )

( barking )

PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY.

OH, YOU GOTA FAMILY ?

WELL, GUESS WHAT ?

I EAT COTTAGE CHEESEFOR DINNER, ALL RIGHT ?

WITH SALTAND PEPPER.

YOU UNDERSTAND ?

NOW, I'M GETTINGOUTTA HERE.

I WANNA TELLY'ALL SOMETHING...

YOU'VE BEEN ZAPPED !

( laughing )

FREEZE, RIGHT THERE !

LOOK, WE JUSTDOING A SHOW--

OW !

DAMN, I GOT HIT !

I DIDN'T HAVENOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

SORRY.

BE PREPAREDTO GET ZAPPED

THURSDAYS AT 8:30.

THIS FALL,ON THE W.B. !

♪ MAMMY ♪

( moaning )

NAPKIN RING BONANZA IS OVER,

WE ARE TOTALLY SOLD OUT !

NOW, RON, YOU ARE ACTUALLYWEARING OUR NEXT PRODUCT,

A BEAUTIFUL TIMECO GOLD WRISTWATCH.

I AM, JESSICA !

NOW, NOT ONLY IS THISWATCH ATTRACTIVE,

IT KEEPS INCREDIBLE TIME !

UH, RON, UH, I THINK YOUHAVE A BOOGER ON YOUR HAND.

YOU'RE RIGHT,JESSICA, I DO !

HA, HA, HA !

BETTER GET RID OF IT,BEFORE ONE OF OUR CUSTOMERS

BIDS ON IT !

I'LL STARTTHE BIDDING AT $9.95.

SOLD !

YOU DICK.

PRETTY DAMN BAD, HUH ?

IT GETS WORSE.

LOOK ATTHIS ONE.

OKAY, NOW, I'M HEARINGWE'VE GOTTA MOVE ON

TO OUR NEXT PRODUCT.

NOW, WE HAVE A BEAUTIFULSET OF CUBIC ZIRCONIA EARRINGS

THAT ONE OF OUR MODELS,TAMMY, IS MODELING.

OH, VERY NICE.

NICE, HUH ?

OH, TAMMY.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S HAVINGA HERPES OUTBREAK.

IT'S NOT GENITAL HERPES,IT'S JUST A COLD SORE !

NO, THAT'S GENITAL HERPES.

BELIEVE ME, I SHOULD KNOW,I'VE HAD IT SINCE 1979.

REMEMBER THAT PLACE IN--

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEYGET THEM MODELS FROM.

NOW, THIS NEXT ONE--

THIS ONE MADE MEACTUALLY WANNA SPIT UP.

OBSERVE.

OKAY, OUR SPORTSWEAR TSUNAMICONTINUES TO GATHER STRENGTH.

WE HAVE MORE LADIES'BATHING SUITS.

THIS IS ABEAUTIFUL BIKINI ON BONNIE.

WHOA !

IT'S A JUNGLEDOWN THERE.

( Tarzan yell )

ME JANE.SHE HAIRY.

THE RUGS DON'T QUITEMATCH THE DRAPES,

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT ?

( applauding )

WHAT'S WITH ALLTHE STRETCHING ?

OH, YOU KNOW THE OLD ADAGE:BIG BOOBS, BAD BACK.

YEAH, ALL SET ?

I'M A LITTLE WORRIED, I DIDN'THAVE A CLEAN SPORTS BRA

SO I HAD TOWEAR A REGULAR ONE.

YOU'LL BE FINE,LET'S GO.

( beating drums )

OH, DON'T WORRY, SHEILA,I'M SURE NOBODY NOTICES.

REALLY ?

YEAH.

( man )LOOK AT THAT LADY.

YEAH, HER BOSOMS ARE, LIKE,BOUNCIN' AROUND AND EVERYTHING.

THEY'RE NOTTALKING ABOUT YOU.

SWEET JESUS, DID YOU SEETHE JUGS ON THAT BRUNETTE ?

( man )YEAH !

I'M GONNA GO IN.

SHEILA, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S NOT OKAY !

OW !

IT'S NOT OKAY !

STUPID BOOBS.

NOTHING BUTAN INCONVENIENCE.

I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE 'EM !

OW.

AGH !

CAREFUL WHAT YOUWISH FOR.

WHAT ?WHO ARE YOU ?

WHO I AM IS NOT IMPORTANT,

BUT WHAT YOU SAID ABOUTTHOSE TITTIES IS.

FOLLOW ME.

( bells ringing )

( Dave )IT'S EASY, TRY IT.

( Sheila )HEY, THAT'S ME.

AND THAT'S FRANK, THE HUMANRESOURCES MAN AT MY OFFICE.

HE'S ALWAYSSLOBBERING OVER ME.

NOT TODAY.

SO THAT'S WHY I THINKI'M QUALIFIED FOR THE PROMOTION.

YEAH, WELL, UM...WE'LL SEE.

WHY IS HE BEINGSO DISMISSIVE ?

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BOOBS ?

OH, YOU JUST ANSWEREDYOUR OWN QUESTION.

THEM BOOBIES IS GONE,GIRL, JUST LIKE YOU WISHED FOR.

HOW DID IT GO ?

NOT WELL.

THAT WOMAN WASA FLAT-CHESTED BORE.

OUR CLIENTS WILL NEVERRESPOND TO HER.

FOR PETE'S SAKE,SHE'S GOT NO MELONS.

SO, SHOULD I TELL HER SHE'S NOTGETTING THE PROMOTION ?

YES.

IN FACT, TELL THATTITLESS FREAK SHE'S FIRED.

OH, I'M ON IT.

OH, ARE GUYSREALLY LIKE THAT ?

NO.

MY GUY FRIENDS AREN'TLIKE THAT.

( laughing )

BOO-YAH !

( Sheila )HEY, LOOK, IT'S PAUL.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN SO HELPFULTO ME, SUCH A LOYAL FRIEND.

HEY, BUDDY, I HAVE A PAINTINGI NEED TO HANG UP IN MY BEDROOM,

DO YOU THINK YOUCOULD HELP ?

WOW, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWE WERE BUDDIES.

I ALWAYS THOUGHTI WAS YOUR PERSONAL HANDYMAN

'CAUSE YOU'RE CONSTANTLYASKING ME FOR FAVORS

THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO.

YOU KNOWWHAT YOU NEED ?

A NEW SET OF TITTIESAND A BOYFRIEND,

THEN YOU'LL BEALL SET, ALL RIGHT ?

WHAT'S GOTTENINTO HIM ?

WELL, IT'S NOTWHAT'S GOTTEN INTO HIM

AS MUCH AS IT IS WHAT'SGOTTEN OUT OF YOU.

BY THAT, OF COURSE, I MEANYOUR MASSIVE MILK BLADDERS.

PAUL, WAIT !

I STILL HAVEBIG BOOBS !

HE CAN'T SEE YOU.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT !

( jingling )

HE CAN'T SEE YOU,

BUT MY BLACK ASSGOT 20/20 VISION.

GOD DAMN, SHEILA !

YOU MEN ARE THE WORST.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH, MY GOSH,SHEILA, YOU ARE RIGHT.

WOMEN, THE FAIRER SEX,

THEY WOULD NEVER EVERJUDGE ANOTHER WOMAN

BY THE SIZE OF HERBOOBIES, NOW WOULD THEY ?

MAZEL TOV !

HEY, WAIT,THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS.

OH, WORD ?

WHERE'S SHEILA ?

WASN'T SHE SUPPOSEDTO BE A BRIDESMAID ?

OH, I WAS GONNAHAVE HER BE ONE,

THEN I THOUGHT,"AM I GETTING BRIDESMAIDS,

OR STARTING AN ITTY-BITTYTITTY COMMITTEE ?"

OH !

( laughing )

I DIDN'T EVEN INVITE HERTO MY WEDDING.

OH, SNAP !

HOW COULD SHE DO THAT ?

'CAUSE YOURFRIENDS ARE BITCHES !

BESIDES, SHEILA, EVEN GIRLSLOVE GIRLS WITH HUGE TITS,

ESPECIALLY AT A WEDDING.

THE GROOM'S FRIENDS GOTTA HAVESOMEBODY TO SLEEP WITH.

I HAD NO IDEA THESETHINGS WERE SO IMPORTANT.

OH, KEEP IT REAL, GIRL,THEM THINGS ARE LIFESAVERS.

LISTEN, I DIDN'TWANT TO PUT THIS ON YOU,

BUT THE FATE OFTHE WORLD--

YOU HEAR ME-- THE WORLDRESTS ON THEM CHESTICLES !

SHAZAM !

( ringing alarm )

HEY, WHERE DO I KNOWTHAT CRAZY GUY FROM ?

HE USED TO LIVENEXT DOOR TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, MASTURBATING TO YOUAND THOSE GIANT CANS OF YOURS

WAS ALL HE HAD TO LIVE FOR.

ONCE YOU TOOKTHAT AWAY,

HE LOST HIS MINDAND BLEW UP THE WORLD !

THANKS A LOT, SHEILA.

NO, NO, NO !

I DON'T WANT THE WORLDTO END

JUST BECAUSE OFMY SWEATER PUPPETS !

OH, THAT'SA BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT.

YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHTABOUT THAT

BEFORE YOU WISHEDTHEM SWEET TITS AWAY.

WORLD'S GOING TO END INABOUT 10 SECONDS...

WHICH IS JUST ENOUGHTIME TO SUCK A TITTY.

BUT WHERE WOULD I FINDA TITTY FROM ?

I DON'T--WELL, HEY, IT'S SHEILA !

( screaming,explosion )

YOU'VE TAUGHT MEA VALUABLE LESSON TODAY.

I'M NEVER GOING TO CURSEMY FUN BAGS AGAIN.

IN FACT, I MIGHTEVEN GET IMPLANTS.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU LISTEN, WORLD,

I'VE GOT HUMONGOID KNOCKERS,AND I'M PROUD OF THEM.

( jingle )

THANKS, MISTER.

YOU MUST BE AN ANGELOR SOMETHING.

ANGEL ?

I AIN'T NO ANGEL,I'M A JANITOR.

THEN HOW DID YOU SHOW MEALL THOSE PLACES ?

GIRL, I AM HIGH ON P.C.P.

I WAS GONNA ASK YOUHOW YOU WAS FOLLOWING ME.

YOU SMOKE SHERM--A LITTLE SHERMAN ?

NO... UH,WHO ARE YOU ?

I'M JUST A NIGGATHAT LOVE TITTIES.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, MISS.

( whistling )

( narrator )25 YEARS AGO,

AN EPIC MOTION PICTURE WASUNLEASHED ON AMERICA,

CONSIDERED ONE OF THE MOSTIMPORTANT FILMS IN HISTORY.

WE ARE NOW PROUD TO RELEASETHIS MASTERPIECE ON D.V.D.

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND,25th ANNIVERSARY

COMMEMORATIVE EDITION

FEATURES EXTRAS INCLUDINGCAST INTERVIEWS,

DIRECTOR COMMENTARY, ANDNEVER-BEFORE-SEEN OUTTAKES.

KIZZIE, BEHOLD, THE ONLY THINGGREATER THAN YOURSELF.

OH, OH !

OH, I'M--HEY, I'M SORRY.

I TOLD Y'ALL NOT TOGIVE ME A REAL BABY.

PISSIN' ALL OVER MEAND ( beep ).

CATCH ALL THE GAGS, SPILLS,AND HILARIOUS PRACTICAL JOKES.

♪ COMING FORTHTO CARRY ME HOME ♪

YOUR NAME IS TOBY !

KUNTA KINTE !

OH !

I SAID, YOUR NAMEIS TOBY !

KUNTA KINTE !

DAMN !

STEVE, WHAT'D I SAY ABOUTHITTING SO HARD, MAN ?

I'M SORRY,ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

YOU SORRY ?

I'M GONNA SHOWYOU SORRY, MAN !

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SORRY !

( laughing )

I TOLD Y'ALLHE'S SCARED OF ME !

HOLD ON, LET MEGET UP THERE.

THE ROOTS 25th ANNIVERSARYCOMMEMORATIVE EDITION ON D.V.D.

( man )INCLUDING ALL WALDBAUM'S !

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