I learned, man.Women, you guys got it easier
through breakups, dude.You do.
Because you got girlfriends
to help youthrough the breakup.
They talk you through it.
You have littlebreakup meetings.
Your girlfriends come over.
You're like,"Staci's breaking up.
"You get the wine,
"I'll get the Sarah McLachlan.
"Form a circle around her,
she's vulnerable right now."
And then they talk youthrough it, like,
"Listen, girl,it wasn't the right time, okay?
"You guys arein different places.
"Maybe you'll come back togetherin a year, like The Notebook.
"You never knowwhat's gonna happen.
"But for right now,you need your space.
You need some space."
That's how women break up.
"I need space."
That's 'cause they don't havethe balls to end it.
So they just drag us alongfor a little while,
because they're manipulativeabout it.
Us, we break up with you,we're a little meaner about it,
but at least you knowwhat the breakup's about
and it happens when we say it.
We're at dinner with you
and you're chewingwith your mouth open.
You got some corn stuckin your teeth.
And we're like, "I'm not dealingwith that shit anymore.
Not you guys. You go,
"I need some space."
What you'll do is break upwith us in your head
six months before...
and then spendthe next six months
plotting your exit.
And in that six months,
you try to reverse the problemin the relationship
to make us feel likeit was our fault why it ended,
so that you can leaveguilt-free.
And in those six months,
you prod us and you start fights
and you mess with usuntil we finally blow up
and scream,and then you're like,
"You have an anger problem.
"I need some space right now.
"You always overreact.
"All I did was butter knife stabyour dog two times
"and you overreactlike you always do.
And I need some spaceright now."
And this is what "space"means...
I've figured outwhat "space" means.
This is what "space" means,guys.
It means, "I need you
"to continue to talk to me
"until I find someone new.
Nobody wants togrow up, man.
People are having kidslater and later.
Right? That's how you know...
Maybe 'cause I think maybewe don't want the party to end.
Maybe subconsciouslywe know that we made it
to the endof human civilization.
This could be it.
I mean, how much bettercan it get?
Nothing lasts forever.
I think we made it.
I think we got ten years beforethe environment falls apart.
I think this is it.I mean,
I think we did it-- there'scocaine and sushi everywhere.
We did it!
You can eat raw fishlike a Scandinavian king
on a bus driver's salary.
This is as good as it gets.
Maybe we're at the end.
That's why womenaren't having kids, man.
That's a biological instinctthat's now a career choice.
That's how you knowwe're at the end... right?
You used to ask a woman,like, when she was 18,
"When do you want to have kids?"
She's like, "Well, I'm 18,so now, right now.
"I want to be a grandmaby the time I'm 24.
"And then a mom againwhen I'm 28,
if that's possible."
Now, you ask a woman, like,"When do you want to have kids?"
She's like, "Well, let me see.I'm, like, 28 now.
"So... I'm gonna drink first
"for 30 years.
"You know, then when I'm 60,I'm take some fertility drugs,
"and we'll create, like,some weird science triplets
that aren't supposedto be here."
Is it ironicwhen you think about it
that our parents andgrandparents worked
so hard for us to havea better life,
and now we don't wantto have kids
'cause we don't want themto ruin our life?
It is a weird time,though, too.
We don't pay attention.Nobody can have a conversation,
man, 'cause of phones.We are addicted to our phones.
It's like having a crack pipein your pocket all the time
that you don't stop thinking of.
It's ama...I'm addicted to my phone.
I never put it down.I hold it all day.
I'll be going 90 milesan hour on the highway.
I will put everyone's lifeat risk...
so I can clean outmy spam e-mail.
These penis pill e-mailshave to go.
I cannot live comfortablythe rest of my day
knowing that they're in there.
I'll be honest.
I haven't seen a lightturn green in four years.
Right? You heara honk from behind,
you're like, "Ah, I guessit's green, time to go."
You ever lose your phone?
That pit you feelin your stomach,
like someone just stoleyour first-born child.
You start like,you all of a sudden
you turn into a pimplooking for his ho
with his moneyjust flipping furniture like,
"Where is this bitch?"
When you find it,
you just stroke itthe rest of the day.
"Don't ever leave me againor I will kill you."
You ever try to listento somebody
while they're talkingto you in person
while your phone's in your hand,
and your phone starts vibrating?
And they're talking and youjust start tweaking out
trying to listen.
Man, somebody better die
in your story real quick.
Or I'm about to tweet somethingright in your face.
You ever notice when you goto lunch or dinner now,
the first thing people dois take out their phone
and put it on the tablein front of you
like it's a revolverin the Old Wild West.
That's the threat to you.
You got ten secondsto say something interesting.
I'm gonna shoot youin the face, partner.
As your story slows down,
they just start reaching for it.
It's amazing. Because of phoneswe've cured boredom.
There's no such thingas boredom.
A whole human emotionthat used to exist
doesn't exist anymorebecause of phones.
We don't let boredom set infor one second anymore.
When's the last timeyou were bored for one second?
You were like,"Oh, now, (bleep) that.
Candy Crush or something."
You're sick of Candy Crush,you're like,
"Let me find out whereevery sexual predator is
within 20 feet."
There's a lot of options.(laughs)
There's no such thingas boredom.
You guys remember boredom?
You remember back in the day?
There's just nothing to do.Remember when you used
to have to go back in the dayor when you wanted
to take a shit, all you could dowas stare at a wall?
Do you remember that?
I dare you to take a shitwithout your iPhone.
You will have a panic attackon the toilet bowl.
What-what am I just supposedto stare at a shower curtain?
This is bullshit!
Remember back in the day,you would go to the bathroom,
just go to the bathroom,ten minutes tops.
You wouldn't hang out in there.
You ever in the bathroomso long you lose time?
You like, "Oh, (bleep),it's Wednesday.
I've been in here..."
You ever shit so longthere's no circulation
in either one of your legs?
You try to stand up,it feels like you got diabetes
in every toe.
You're just stuck there waiting
with your pantsaround your ankles.
You're like, "You know,if I'm gonna stand here
"and wait for the bloodto return to my feet,
"I might as well sit back down.
Finish the second season of House of Cards while I'm here."
The journalism industry'sin disarray. Right?
Gazettes keep goingout of business.
They got a horriblebusiness model.
They give you the news awaybufree onlinel.
and then they charge youfor the newspaper.
How are they supposed to stayin business that way?
Isn't it weird?
I haven't paid for news or pornin, like, ten years.
But I bought, like,six bottled waters today.
Whoever owns wateris killing it. (laughs)
It's just backwards.
Why do they keep newspapers?
Don't they understand thatthat's antiquated?
Do they not-- do they thinkwe, like, like newspapers?
They're like, "No, we gottakeep the newspapers
"People love it.
"It's not cumbersome at all.
People love it."
People love carrying
a dirty pile of paper ontoa subway car in the morning.
You know,unfolding it 18 times,
holding it over your face.
You gotta start an articleon the cover page,
and then if you wantto finish that article,
you gotta go on a treasure huntto find the rest of it.
It's like, "This article'scontinued on section 'C'
of that guy's paperdown the subway car."
You look down at your hands.
It looks like you werejerking off a coal miner
for ten stops.
Nothing happens in a soccermatch. That's the problem.
It's too hard to score.
Nothing happens, dude.
Every ten minutesthere will almost be a goal.
Every ten minutes,like clockwork,
someone will almost score.
Nobody ever scores.
That's why soccer fansare so violent.
That's whythere's soccer hooligans.
(audience laughs)I figured it out. Right?
'Cause they never get a chanceto celebrate at the game,
so they're all pent upand frustrated
and then they leave the matchand punch each other in the face
'cause they just hadgoal blue balls
for two and a half hours.
Think of it like this:
Imagine there was a girl
and she had your (bleep)in her hand.
And every ten minutes,she just licked it one time.
You telling me aftertwo and a half hours of that
you're not gonna punchsomebody in the face? Somebody.
You are gonna lose your mind.
But when you criticize soccer,
like, Europeans getvery defensive.
You know?You ever notice that?
Like I was talkingto this Swedish guy
once about it and he was like,
(accent): "You don't have theright to criticize soccer,
"because you're American.
"And the reasonyou don't like it
"is 'cause your playersare not good at it.
"And (bleep), we shouldn'teven call it the World Cup.
"We should just call itthe Rest of the World Cup,
because United States is nevergood enough to be in it."
And I was like, "Really, Magnus?
"Is that the way you wantto play this right now?
"Do you know how lucky you are
"that American athletesdo not find soccer appealing?
"Do you know what would happen
"if black Americansstarted playing soccer?
"There would be no World Cup.
"There'd be a major leaguesoccer game
"that took place inCincinnati, Ohio, every year
and all of Europe would be ourpersonal developmental league."
Can you imagine RG3on a soccer field?
Can you imagine that game?
It would be, like,first game of the World Cup.
They're like, "Okay,it's Italy versus America.
"Here comes Italy.
"Here comes Fabrizio(bleep)-face for Italy.
"Fabrizio's got an open lane.
"He passes it to Guido.Back to Fabrizio.
"Fabrizio's about to score
"but, oh, my God, here comesLaDainian Tomlinson.
"He's running backwardsfor no reason,
"break dancing the whole time,
"juggling six soccer ballson each leg
"out of sheer boredom.
"He passes it to LeBron Jamesafter the steal.
"LeBron James, six foot eight,245 pounds,
"running like a deer,
"kicks a goal intoanother soccer stadium
"in another country
"to win 14 gamesat the same time.
Italy and France, Germany,negative seven."