If you don't have kids and
you're thinking about having kids,
'cause I know there'ssome people in here like,
"I'm ready to have a kid.
I want to be a mommy,"and there's some guys like,
"I want to be a daddy."
Um, shut the fuck up.
No, you're not.
You're not ready.
Look at me.Look at this.
Look!Take a close look.
I used to have long,beautiful hair.
Pull the fuck out.
It's your only option.Use it.
Pull out.This is all you got to do.
Baby, no baby.
Minivan, sports car.
There's parents in here too.I see you guys.
You don't even have to tell meyou're a parent.
You don't have to applaud.You don't have to say shit.
I know whata parent looks like.
Parents recognize parents.We just know.
When I said, "pull out," therewere some parents in here like,
"Yeah, I should have."
If I lost something,I lost it.
My mom would never help usfind shit, right?
Normal parents--normal parentshelp their fucking kids, right?
Normal parents help.It's like, "Okay, what?
"Did you lose something?Your keys?
"What?Was it in your pants?
"Well, what jeans?Were you wearing jeans?
Well, let's lookfor those jeans."
That's how you fucking helpyour kids find shit.
Not my mom.If I lost something,
I can guarantee my mom'sright behind me fucking with me.
Right?She enjoys that shit.
If I'm lookingunder the couch,
I guarantee my mom'sright behind me like,
"Oh, what?What? What?
"What? What's under--What's under the couch, Josep?
"Is it your keys?
"Did you loseyour keys again?
Oh, maybe they walkunder the couch like that?"
Now I got to askmy mom for help.
That's the worst mistakeI can make.
"Mom, I'm late for work.Do you know where my keys are?"
"Josep, did you just ask mewhere your keys are?
"Isn't thata stupid question?
"That isa stupid question, Josep.
"'Excuse me, personthat does not drive my car,
do you knowwhere my keys are?'"
"That is stupid, Josep!
"Why don't you ask mewhere my keys are?
"I'll knowthe answer to that.
"Go ahead, Josep.Ask me!
Come on!Ask me right now!"
"Mom, do you knowwhere your keys are?"
[laughing]"Of course I do!
"Of course I do, Josep!
"I know where my keys areall the time.
"You know why, Josep?
"Because I put themin the same place
"that I alwaysput my keys.
"I hang them over here, oh,on this wooden plaque...
"that says 'keys.'
"Josep,when you lose something,
"do you use your eyesto look for it,
"or do you use your mouth?
"Because every timeyou lose something, Josep,
"you use your mouthto find something.
"You can't find anythinglike that, Josep.
"You just walk around,'Has anybody seen my keys?
"'I don't knowwhere my keys are.
"I'm late for work.'Open your eyes!
Look for them!"
and walked out that door
with those two boyshe'd just met in line.
And now they thinkhe's king shit
'cause he justbitch-slapped his dad.
So I stopped him.You're not gonna punk me.
I don't give a fuckif you're five.
I was like, "Jo, turn around.Daddy's got to talk to you.
Turn around."He's like, "What you want,
Daddy?I'm with my friends."
His one friend's like,"You okay, Jo?"
"I got this."
"What you want, Daddy?"
I go, "Baby, I just want youto know one thing
"before you goto class, okay?
"I just want youto know that I, uh...
I could have pulled out."
"What are you talkingabout, Daddy?"
"I'm just sayingyou could have ended up
on a pillowcaseor a shirt."
"Daddy,what are you talking about?"
"I'm just saying, your mommycould have swallowed you.
I'll pick you upat 2:15."
My son grew up just like that,right before my eyes.
Turned into a little man.
Teacher said his name,he walked right past me.
I tried to kiss him,he did that Matrix shit on me.
Standing in the single-file linelike this, holding his backpack.
And these two little boys
that obviouslywent to preschool together.
They're in the same class.
They run up behind my son.
"This is gonna be fun.
"We're gonna have funin kindergarten.
We're gonna have funin kindergarten!"
My son doesn't evenknow these kids,
but he keepslooking at them,
trying to engagein some type of conversation.
Like, [childlike voice]"Yeah, this is gonna be fun."
"Yeah, I-I'm gonna beyour friend."
"Look at my ting-ting."
I'm across the auditorium,I'm recording everything,
and he sees me.
So I mouth to him.
I go, "I love you.I love you."
And my songoes like this...
What a dick, right?
And then a teacher goes,"All right, we're gonna take
"the kids to class, and evenif your kid starts crying,
"don't come with us 'causewe're trying to break that bond.
Parents,stay in the auditorium."
I go, "All right,now my son's gonna cry."
Reality check.Daddy's got to leave.
So I run up to my son.I'm trying to squeeze
one tearout of this fucker.
I'm saying mean shit too,like, "Daddy's got to go.
That's a lotof scary people here."
My son goes like this,"So what, Daddy?
Get out of here."
And I was like this...
"You don't--you don't haveto say it so loud.
"I just want you to knowI made you a sandwich
"and I put Go-Gurtin your backpack,
"and there's a Capri Sun.
"And if you're still hungry,Daddy put $3 in your pocket
"so you can get--I got to go.
I got to go."
And I leaned into kiss him like this
and put his little baby handon my face, just like that.
One time we were sitting on thecouch, right?
And my--and we're watching TV.
It's a true story.This is so fucked up.
She goes,"Josep. Josep."
I go,"What, Grandma? What?"
She's like, "I just want youto know that when I--
when I pass away--"
I'm like, "Grandma, please.Don't talk like that.
I don't like it when you talk--""No, it's okay, Josep.
"I am okay with it,you should be okay with it also.
"But when I pass away,I just want you to know
that every timeyou go to sleep"...
"I'm going to bewatching you."
"SometimesI will tickle your toes,
"and you'll wake up,
"and then you'll lookat your feet,
and then I'll go,'Ahhh.'"
One time, I was taking her back,right, from chemo,
and I laid heron her bed, right?
I put her on the bed,and I go,
"Lola, if you need anything,just call me.
"I'll be right here.I'll take care of you, okay?
Just call me."She's like, "Okay, Josep.
Love you."I go, "I love you."
And I started to walk out,and she goes, "Josep!
Bless me!Bless me!"
If you're not Filipino, let metell you what blessing is.
This is what we dowith our elders.
When you leave and you saygood-bye to your elders,
this is what we do.
Can you stand up?Just stand--
let me touch your--get your hand,
and you touchthe forehead like that.
It's a sign of respect.That's what we do.
We don't look at our eldersand go, "Fuck you, peace."
We don't do that.
"Bye, bitch."And then walk.
We show respect.That's what you do.
And she was like,"Josep, bless me.
You can't leave withoutblessing your grandmother."
And I was like,"Oh, my God, Grandma.
I'm so sorry.I'll be right there."
And I go,and I grab her hand, right.
And I go to touch my forehead,and before I touch my forehead,
she grabbed my dick and went,"I got your tite!"
I'm like, "Fuck!"
- Love my son.Any new parents out there?
This is my only suggestion,right now.
This is the only thing I cangive you as another parent
is take a lot of picturesand take a lot of videotape--
as much as you can.
And actually,every time your kid goes,
"Mommy, pick me up.Daddy, carry me."
Pick 'em up.Carry 'em.
Don't look at 'em and go,"You got legs, walk!"
Don't do that shit,'cause they grow up that fast,
and there's gonna come a timewhere they don't want you
to pick 'em up anymore
and you're gonna missthose fucking days.
I'm gonna hold my sontill he's 20.
I don't give a fuck.
We're gonna be at the mall,my son's gonna be like,
"Dad, this is ridiculous."
"Just hurry upand burp, son."
Take a lot of video.Capture every moment.
It's called evidence.
Everything that makesyour son cry or be sad,
get it on tape.
Use it against him.
The worst day of my son's lifewas his first day of school.
He didn't want to goto school.
Kept crying till 3:00in the morning.
Crying all night, "I don't wantto go to school, Daddy!
"I want to stay home, Daddy!I don't want to go!
"I'm a good boy!
"I don't even knowthose people, Daddy,
"and you're gonna make me goto school!
"I don't want to go![whining incoherently]
I want to stay home!"And I'm like, "Jo!
"Go to sleep!
"It's 3:00 in the morning!
"Go to bed! Baby, you're gonnahave fun in school.
"You get to learn thingsin school.
"You get to meet new friendsin school.
"You get to playwith your new friends at recess.
"You're gonnahave fun, baby.
"Daddy's gonnatake you to school,
so why are you scared?I'm gonna be there for you."
And then I was like,"Oh, shit,
"I got to get the camera.
I got to getall this crying on tape."
That way,when he gets older
and starts talking shit,
I got that tape.
'Cause you know how little boysare when they're 16.
They talk shitto their dads.
It's like, "Dad, why are youa dick all the time?"
And I go, "Really?"and I pop the tape in.
"What about that, bitch?"
"Uh-huh, Josep,I put it on videotape.
"That way, you can seewhat I'm talking about, Josep.
"It's not right.Watch the videotape.
You'll go to a doctor, Josep.Please watch it--"
I'm like, "All right, Mom,I'll watch the videotape!
I can't believeyou recorded me, Mom."
"Just watch the tape.""All right, put it in."
And she put the tape in.
Before she pressed play,this is what my mom did.
"We're going to watchJosep sleep.
She pressed play.I watched it.
It's the creepiest videoyou'll ever see.
It's shot in that--that black light.
You know what I mean? Like,that surveillance-video shit.
It's pitch-dark in the hallway.My mom can't even see herself.
She's just standingin front of the camera,
and she's documentingthe whole thing like she's--
she's on Discovery.
"We're outside my son's room.
"He says that--
"that he is snoring, and I toldhim that he is not snoring.
"So, I'm going to get thison videotape.
"That way, he'll see it,and then go to a doctor.
Um, let's takea closer look."
I watched the videotape.It's horrible. It's horrible.
And I saw myself sleeping.I couldn't believe it.
I ended up goingto a sleep center.
I had to go there. They hadto monitor my sleeping behavior.
You know what I mean?
The doctor putall these wires on my toes,
these wireson my fingertips,
this chest padto monitor my heart.
They put this crown on my headto monitor my brain waves.
When the doctorput all that shit on me,
he was like, "All right,you can sleep now."
I was like...
I was like,"Are you fucking kidding me?
I look likea Christmas tree."
But I fell asleep.
I can sleep in any situationback then, man,
and I fell asleep.
The doctor let me sleep about15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes.
And he kickedthe door open.
Scared the shit out of me.
Like, he literallykicked the door open.
[imitates kick]"Get up!"
I was like--[gasping]
He goes, "How longyou been sleeping like this?"
I go, "My whole life."He goes, "Holy shit!"
He goes, "I'm surprisedyou're not dead yet!"
I go, "Why?"
He goes, "You sleeplike a 400-pound obese man."
I go, "Are you serious?"
He goes,"Yeah, I'm serious.
"We monitor how many timesyou wake up a minute.
Want to know how many timesyou wake up a minute?"
I go, "How many times?"
- This is my 19th yearin stand-up,
and when I told my mom19 years ago
that I wasn't going to college,she cried.
"Comedian, really?That's what you want to do?
"There's no--there's no futurein comedian, Josep.
"There's no moneyto be made in comedian, Josep.
"What are you, a clown?
"You're goingto be clown, Josep?
"How aboutif you get sick, Josep?
"There's nohealth insurance.
"There's no health insuranceif you get sick.
"How are you goingto pay the doctor?
"'Oh, thank you, doctor.What do I owe you?
The one person that didbelieve in me--my Lola Tina.
My grandmother, right?
My grandmother passed awayof cancer, uh,
19 years ago.Like, she passed away of cancer.
And the cool thingabout my grandmother
is she fought that shitto the end.
She was diagnosed with it,and she was supposed to go
like that, and she ended upfighting that shit
for five years,and we all--
Yeah, it was amazing.
[cheers and applause]
It was a sad time,but it was a good time.
You know what I mean?'Cause I got to--
We all moved to Vegas.
That's why I moved to Vegas,is to be with my grandmother.
And, uh,and it was a sad time,
but it was a good time,because, uh, those times
that I was with her,she would, you know--
I got to meet my grandma.I got to know my grandma.
She would tell me stories,and I would just sit there
and listen all day.
Man, she would tell meall kinds of stories,
and I would just listen to herlike, "Are you serious?
So she used tolose her keys too, huh?"
Tough as shit, man--my grandmother was tough.
And I know that's whereI got my funny from,
my grandmother,you know what I mean?
She was funny,and she would do it indirectly.
Like, catch me off guardall the time.
Like, I wouldtake her to chemo,
and we're just drivingin the car,
and she'd be like,"Josep...
I'm like, "What, Grandma?"
"I just want you to knowthat when I die--"
I'm like, "Grandma,don't say that.
I don't like itwhen you talk like that."
"No, it's okay.
"Why can I not talkabout that?
"I'm gonna go to Heaven.
You don't want meto go to Heaven?"
- I was in my first earthquake.It was about--
it was about four years agoor five years ago.
It was with my son.It was the first earthquake
I was ever in with my son,and, uh, it was so funny,
'cause he was sitting--he wassitting on the couch like this
watching, uh, TV, right?
And, uh, and I'd justgot out of the shower
and I'm toweling off.
Now, if you've never beenin an earthquake,
it lasts maybe, what,three seconds at the most?
But it feels likeeternity, right?
So I just remember--I'd just got out of the shower,
and I'm toweling off,
and then all of the sudden,everything starts shaking.
I was like,"Oh, fuck, earthquake," right?
So I had to go get my son,
and everythingwas like slow-motion,
so I started runningto the living room.
It was like,[slowly] "Jo!
I came around the corner,and my son looked at me
And the earthquake stopped,
so I put him back on the couch,and I kissed him.
I go, "I love you."
And I walk backto the room,
And I was toweling off,
and I started thinkingto myself.
I was like,
"Should I tell himwhat just happened?"
He has no ideawhat the fuck just happened.
He was just watching SpongeBob SquarePants,
and his wet, naked dad
came running aroundthe corner going,
[slow]"I love you, Jo!"
So I didn't tell him.
Fuck it, I'm gonna let itsit in the back of his head
for the rest of his life.
Every time there'san earthquake, he's gonna go,
"Oh, shit!Do you see my dad?
You see my dad?"
"Turn around!Turn around!
"What is wrong with you?
"Why are you actinglike this?
"You better behave, huh?
"This ismy last warning, huh?
"I'm telling you right now,
you will not be happy."
And I would taunt my mom,'cause we were in church.
I'm like,"What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna--are you gonna hit me?"
And my momwould take her fingertips,
the tips of her nails,
and she would graba pinch of skin--
You know whatI'm talking about, right?
And she would pinchso hard I could actually feel
the nailstouch inside of me.
It would hurt so badthat I would lean in like this,
And my momwould whisper in my ear,
"Who's laughing now?"
Let me just hearhow many Filipinos.
That's a lot of Filipinos.
Somewhere in Glendale,there's an empty hospital.
No nurses working tonight.
Nurses' day off.
Just doctorswalking around, going,
[Filipino accent]"She's at the comedy show."
That's how Filip--
That's how thoseFilipino nurses talk.
Like, the onesthat didn't come to the show,
the snitchy fuckin'Filipino nurse.
She's pissed offthat she didn't go.
All the other Filipino nursescame to the show.
Now she's telling the doctor,"She's at the comedy show.
"I was in the break room,
"and her purse fall down,ticket fall out,
"it says, 'Jo Koy.'
"And she's at the show,
laughing,having good time."
If you're not Filipino,that's how they talk.
My mom talks like that.
It doesn't matterhow exciting the news is,
my mom's facealways looks depressed.
Most exciting news in the world,depression on the face.
"It's your sister's birthday."
"Your brother'sgetting married."
you're a piece of shit.
That's fucked up. Roofie a girl.That is such bullshit.
You roofie a girl.Are you kidding me?
That's horrible.Don't roofie a girl.
This is what I do...
Creepy guys, listen up.
Don't roofie a girl.That's illegal.
This is what I do.
When you're out drinkingwith a girl, all right,
use the voicethat she thinks she hears
when she's being roofied.
She doesn't knowwhat the fuck is going on.
Like, right when she takesa sip out of her drink,
just look at her and go,
[deep, distorted voice]"How are you feeling?"
"I said,'How are you feeling?'"
"I don't feel good."
"You don'tlook good either."
There are some guys here
that are gonna trythat shit tonight.
I swear to God.
You creepy fuckers.
Don't do it at the bar acrossthe street, you'll get caught.
Buy a girl a drink,and look at her,
and go,"How are you feeling?"
And she's like,"I was at that show, asshole."
- I'm gonna tell you a story
about Filipino momsand their sons.
Now, Filipino momsdo shit to their sons
that may not besocially accepted in America,
but I just wantyou to know, I'm okay.
Now, I know that's a creepy wayto introduce a joke,
but just believe me,I'm all right.
Now, my momwas at my house
when, uh, my son was about3 1/2, 4 years old, okay?
And he just got donetaking a bath, and he's like,
"Daddy, I'm done taking a bath!Come and get me!"
Right?And my mom was like,
"Little Jo,I'll take care of you.
Come to Grandma!Come on, come to Grandma!"
And my son was like,"Grandma!"
And he jumpedout of the bathtub--
wet, naked--running to his grandma.
"Come to Grandma!""Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!"
"Come to Grandma!"
And he got right in frontof his grandma,
and my mom grabbed his dickand went, "I got your tite!"
And he fucking ran."Aah!"
And I laughed.[laughs]
'Cause she used todo that shit to me!
I used to hate itwhen my mom grabbed my tite.
And here'sthe fucked-up part.
My mom would get mad at mefor getting mad at her
for touching my tite.
How fucked up is that?
She's like, "I got your tite!"I'm like, "Mom!
Don't do that!"
"Why can I nottouch your tite?"
"'Cause I'm 32!"
There's only 60 secondsin a minute.
That means I've been sleepinglike this my whole life...
Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!
Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!
He wanted to perform surgerythat week.
He goes, "I want to cutyour soft palate out
"and your tonsils out.
"That way you breathe better.You have a passage--
an open passagefor you to breathe better."
And I was like, "Well, how longis the healing process?"
He goes,"About three months."
I go, "I can't do that.
I'm on the road every week.I can't do that."
He goes, "Well, there isan alternative."
I go, "What?"He goes, "A CPAP machine."
Yeah. A CPAP machine.
If you don't knowwhat a CPAP machine is--
I have to wearthis mask on my face, all right?
These two strapsgo behind my head.
It looks like I havea jockstrap on my face.
This hose goes outinto a machine,
I press power,and it blows air down my throat.
But when I wear it,I sleep like an angel.
Every now and then,I'll knock the straps off.
It's likea scene from Aliens.
I don't tell any girlabout this machine
until the first nightwe do it...
'cause if I tell her before,it's a deal breaker.
No girl is gonnasleep with a guy
with a fuckin' machinenext to his bed.
She walks into the room, and shesees that machine, she's like,
"What the fuck is that?"
And I justlook at her and go...
I don't know how my mom did it.
You know what I mean?My mom's amazing.
You know what I mean?She had two kids
that were living at homeat the time when she was,
you know, when shewas single, you know?
And she raisedboth of us, uh, really well.
She was amazing.
She became the motherand the father.
And the reason whyI tell you that is because
she reminded usevery fucking day.
There wasn't a day that my momdidn't tell us that.
Just me and my sisterjust playing in the room,
playing around,and then my mom would just
come into the room and go,"I just want you kids
"to know one thing.
"I'm the mother and the father."
"I bring home the bacon,
and I cookthat motherfucker too."
My mom was tough as shit.
I dare anybodyto fuck with my mom's kids.
Dare anybody.My mom was 4'10".
She'll fight anybody.She didn't give a shit.
That's how toughmy mom was.
I remember one timeI was at a shoe store,
and I was fucking upthe shoe wall.
You know, the shoe display wall?Fucking it up.
Just putting shoesall over the place, right?
And the salesman saw meand was like,
"Hey,get the fuck out of here!
Fucking up the shoe wall.Get the fuck out!"
He's cursing at me, right?
He didn't know my momwas in the back of the store.
He couldn't see her.
My mom popped around the corner,she was like, "Hey!
"Who are you talking to?
"You don't talkto my children like that!
"Who are you, huh?
I want to speakto the manager!"
And the guy startedmaking fun of my mom's accent.
[mocking Filipino]"Oh, you want to spek-spek
"to the manager?
Huh? You want to tok-tokto the man-a-ger?"
And my mom goes,"Oh, that's funny.
"You're making funof my accent?
"I live in your country,and I speak two languages--
"Tagalog and English.
"You live here.How many do you speak?
One? You're stupid."
So the guy started cursingat my mom, right?
He was like, "You know what?I don't need to hear this shit.
"Get the fuck outof my store!
Take your kid and getthe fuck out of my store!"
Right? So my momstarted cursing back, right?
And I've seenmy mom curse before,
but we'd never seen herget into a curse fight.
And when you curse,certain words go together,
but my mom takeswhatever curse words she knows
and throws 'em at you.
He's like,"Get the fuck out of my store!"
And my mom goes, "Oh, yeah?You son of a shit!
"Fuck your pussy has a dickwith shit in it and your pussy
"has a mother,mothershit, you!
Fuck your pussy, you!"
I looked at my sister, go,"Did Mom just say 'mothershit'?"
- My mom never hit us, and shenever put us in time-out.
She had somethingbetter than that.
It was called lecturing.
If I did something wrong,my mom had at least
two hours' worth of shitto say about it.
And it would last so long thatit would just--I would look
at my mom and go, "Mom,just fucking hit me already."
"I don't want to hearyour voice anymore."
And if I did something wrong,it wasn't because--
like, if I gota bad grade in school--
it wasn't becauseI wasn't studying,
it was becauseI was trying to kill my mom.
I was physicallytrying to kill my mother.
You know what I mean?Like, my mom would look at me
and go, "Josep,you're getting a D in math?
"Why? Why are youdoing that, Josep?
"I did not come to this countryto give you a better education,
"that way you get a Dand not be successful in life,
"and then you're goingto live in poverty.
"That's how I livein the Philippines.
"I do not want youto do that, Josep.
"Are you tryingto give me heart attack?
"I'm going to die, Josep.
Why are you going todo this to me, Josep?"
I'm like,"Mom, just fucking hit me.
Hit me, Mom."
The only time my momever got physical with me
was at church.
Weirdest place, right?Physical at church.
And the reason why is 'causewhen you're 10, 11 years old,
you hate churchfor the simple fact
that you don't--you got to sit there
for an hour and a halfon this wooden pew.
And you got to sit there.
When you're 10, 11 years old,
you don't evenhave ass meat yet.
It's just bone on wood.
That's why kidsmove around so much,
'cause they can't feeltheir asses anymore.
And that guywon't stop preaching.
"Sit up straight!
"What is wrong with you?
"Stop actinglike this, huh?
"I'm telling you,this is my last warning.
"You better stop actinglike this, I'm telling you.
You will not be happy."
- I didn't knowI had sleep apnea.
My mom told meI had sleep apnea.
I was asleep at her houseabout six years ago,
sleeping in the guest room,
the same way I always do,just like this--
And I woke up--[gasping]
My mom's at the footof the bed like this.
"Oh, my God, Josep!"
I go, "Mom, I'm not dying.I'm snoring."
"Josep, that is not snoring.You look like this"...
"Josep, you have to go to adoctor and get that checked out.
"I'm telling you,you're going to die,
"and I don't want youto die, Josep,
because I'll die of heart attackif you die, oh, my God, Josep--"
"Mom, I'm not gonna goto a doctor for snoring.
How long were you watching me?That's creepy."
And I kicked her out."Get out of here!
Get out of here, Mom!"
"I'm sorry, Josep.
"I did not meanto startle you.
"It's just that I was walkingto the kitchen,
"and I heard a noisecoming from the guest room.
"It sounded like...
someone was killing a bear."
"And I was like,'I don't have a bear.'"
"So I opened the door,
"and I noticed thatit was just you, Josep.
"So, I'm sorry. You don'thave to go to a doctor.
"Just go to sleep.
Go to sleep."
So, I went back to sleep.Same shit.
And I woke up.[gasping]
My mom's at the foot of the bedwith a fucking camcorder.