a survery from public policypolling
revealed recentlythat 13% of potential voters
would prefer to havea giant meteor crash
into the Earthand destroy civilization
than to see eitherHillary Clinton or Donald Trump
in the White House.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you...and good night.
Seriously, what--what need more be said?
That's nota small amount of people.
That's a lot of people saying,"Fucking kill me."
This has been the longestelection cycle of my lifetime,
and it began, I believe,
sometime during the middleof World War II.
I truly believe that by the timewe actually have to vote,
I will be unable to make itto the door.
I will have beensapped of my will to live.
The only good thing that hascome out of this election cycle,
quite honestly, is thatit has made time seem longer.
- I have lived in New York for 35 years
and Donald Trump has been in my face for 35 years.
This whole idea that heis a great businessman,
is so beyond any,
he bankrupted a casino.
Unless you locked the doors and just stood in front.
Go away, go to Judy Joo's, go away!
You know just before we leave Donald alone,
I'm gonna say something
and I'm saying this as a friend,
if you vote for Donald Trump,
you're gonna go to hell.
And I know this.
- And then there's Hillary Clinton.
Who's had so much shit thrown at her
during the course of herlife that there's no way
she couldn't get the smell off.
I mean, I've traveled the country,
people don't like her.
And I don't think it hasto do with the nonsense
of that she's a criminal.
I think that's just repeating, repeating, repeating.
And she (mumbling).
I think it's the fact that she's been in our face
for a long (bleep) time.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
And it's made a lot ofpeople unhappy with her.
She never went away.
She never went away.
She's always been there.
She is, for many Americans, that woman in the carpool.
That every morning,
the guy sits there drinking his cup of coffee,
and thinks, "I can't believe I gotta pick her up again!"
She never went away.
She was the First Lady.
And then afterwords, shesnuck into our state.
I don't know what these people are bitching about,
she snuck in here.
And the next thing you know, Holy (bleep),
she's the Senator from New York.
And she spent six years doing that.
And then, she said "I'm running to be President."
And she lost.
Now at that point, anybody who loses the Presidency
hides somewhere, they go away,
everybody (bleep) knows that.
Nixon, went the (bleep) away.
And then when he came back, people went,
"(bleep), he wasn't so bad."
Nope, not her.
She became the Secretary of State.
And then, she finished up that and said,
"I'm gonna run to be President again."
There is a good chance she's bipolar.
So you have a choice now about who you want to date.
Either the bipolar carpooler or Orange Julius Caesar.
having spent this year watchingwhat's going on
um, my job is anymore.
Everyone in this roomalready has 30 Trump jokes
that are probably betterthan any one that I thought of.
What the fuckdo you need me for?
I should have just come outand gone, "Tada!"
I've always felt that my job
was to be truly crazierthan what I see.
That's what differentiates mefrom other comics,
that I am crazierthan what I see.
The first inkling I had of thiswas when I, um...
I heard Ben Carson speakfor the first time.
When you'relistening to someone,
and as you listen to them,you begin to think,
"Did I take a drug?"
But I believe we have somethingto learn from Ben Carson,
especially those of youwho work in an office.
There's probably a douche bagyou're working with,
your boss is, no doubt,a prick,
and you wanna saysomething to them.
All you have to do,in order to get across
what it is you wanna say,is to speak as Ben Carson does.
And by this...
[SOFTLY] I mean, you speakas softly as you possibly can,
and yet, still be heard,
so that the personlistening to you
must use an inordinateamount of energy
just to hear the wordscoming out of your mouth,
and as you do that,
speak as slowlyas you possibly can,
as if each and every wordwas being formed in your brain
for the very first time.
And be sure that your eyesare two-thirds closed...
...so that you resemble a lizardsunning itself on the rock.
And if you do that,
you can say any batshit thingyou want to anyone,
as Ben Carson didwhen he said...
"It's amateurswho built the ark,
but it was professionalswho built the Titanic."