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Tuesday, January 27, 2015

  • 01/27/2015
  • Views: 2,357

Jim Norton, John Roy and Kurt Braunohler come up with campaign slogans for 2 Chainz, list #SnowyCelebrities and write inner monologues for narcissistic gym rats. (21:15)

>> CHRIS: IT'S 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

THAT HAPPENED ON YOUTUBE TODAY.

WELL, WITH MUCH OF THE NATIONLOCKED IN THE WINTRY CHOKEHOLD

OF ICE AND SNOW, SCHOOLS AROUNDTHE COUNTRY WERE ANNOUNCING SNOW

DAYS, AND AT LEAST ONE PRINCIPALDECIDED THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO

GET YOUR MESSAGE ACROSS THA♪ THROUGH SONG ♪

♪ BECAUSE IT SNOWED SO MUCH LASTNIGHT ♪♪

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: YOU GUYS SEE HIM TOO,

RIGHT?

>> HE'S LIKE A TURTLE POKING OUTOF THE SHELL.

WHAT'S HAPPENING!

>> CHRIS: THAT'S MATTGLENDENNING DOING HIS WICKEDLY

TALENTED ADELE DAZEEM IMPRESSIONFROM DISNEY'S "FROZEN."

NOTICE THERE ARE NO KIDS IN THEVIDEO BECAUSE THEY HAD TO CUT

MUSIC FUNDING FROM SCHOOL?

WAIT A SECOND, THERE ARECHILDREN FEATURED.

IT'S JUST WHEN THE CHILDRENMAGICALLY TRANSPORTS HIMSELF

INTO THEIR BEDROOM.

♪ WHEN IT SNOWSYOU CAN STAY IN BED AND SLEEP ♪♪

>> IT WASN'T A DREAM!

>> CHRIS: OH, GOD-- JUST-- JUSTPRETEND YOU'RE ASLEEP UNTIL THE

CHORUS IS OVER AND HIS POWERWEAKENS.

JUST PRETEND YOU'RE ASLEEP.

NOW, I HAVE TO ADMIT SOMETHING.

I DID NOT SEE "FROZEN" BECAUSE IWAS SO-- AND I LOVE DISNEY

ANIMATED MOVIES BUT I WAS SOSPUNIDATED BY THAT SONG.

I'M SORRY, MAYBE I'M THE ONLYPERSON.

I DON'T LIKE THAT SONG.

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHENEVER IT COMES ON I JUST FEELA RAGE PULSE SLOWLY GO UP THE

BACK OF MY SPINE.

AND I CAN'T LET IT GO.

BY THE WAY WHAT KIND OF ANASSHOLE RANDOMLY BREAKS INTO

SONG.

I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT THIS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNETGOT REAL MAD, REAL MAD.

SOSO WHILE GRADE SCHOOLERS GOT THE

DAY OFF, THE WINTER WEATHERTURNED SOME TEXAS TECH COLLEGE

STUDENTS INTO ACTIVISTS.

BUT NOT AGAINST MILITARIZATIONIN THE MIDDLE EAST OR THE U.S.'S

EVER-WIDENING INCOME GAP.

NO, THE PROTEST WAS, "WE BUILTAN 11-FOOT SNOW PENIS.

PLEASE DON'T TEAR IT DOWN!" ( LAUGHTER )

>> NO!

>> NO!

NO, NO, NO!

NO!

>> CHRIS: MR. GORBACHEV, TEARDOWN THESE BALLS!

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

OH!

TEAR THEM DOWN!

I THING THE SNOWPLOW OPERATOROF WAS A WOMAN'S STUDIES MAJOR.

>> IF YOU REVERSE THE VIDEO,IT'S A GOOD VIAGRA AD, THOUGH, I

THINK.

>> CHRIS: YES, YOU'RE NOT WRONG.

BUT I THINK MY FAVORITE PART OFTHE VIDEO IS-- YOU PROBABLY

COULDN'T HEAR IT IN THEAUDIENCE, BUT THERE'S A GUY AT

THE END WHO GOES, "REBUILD!"I'M SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU,

PAL-- YOU HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 20MINUTES FOR THAT TO GO UP AGAIN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLYEMBARRASSING WAS THE GUY WHO

GOING TO HIS TONGUE STUCK TO IT.

>> CHRIS: NO ONE SUMMED UPAMERICA'S CAN-DO ATTITUDE IN THE

FACE OF BLIZZARD ADVERSITY QUITELIKE THIS INTREPID HEREEE.

I GIVE YOU GUY DOING DONUTS IN ASNOW PLOW.

THERE WE GO!

THIS IS A SERIOUS SITUATION."

VERY SERIOUS SITUATION.

SERIOUSLY SLICK DONUTS, BRAH.

COMEDIANS, THIS DRIVER KNOWS HOWTO GRAB THE SPOTLIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE WAS YELLINGINSIDE HIS PLOW?

JIM NORTON, GO.

>> JUST BECAUSE I'M THE POPEDOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LIKE TO

DRINK AND DRIVE.

>> CHRIS: JON ROY, GO.

>> SIRI, I AM TURNING RIGHT!

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

( APPLAUSE )KURT.

>> HIS PANTS ARE JUST AROUND HISANKLES LIKE SHOW NOTHING DONUTS.

>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME TO START"@MIDNIGHT."

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )GUYS, NOW, IT'S VERY RARE WE

DISCUSS POLITICS ON THISPROGRAM.

BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL SO STRONGLYABOUT A CANDIDATE THAT I JUST

HAVE TO SPEAK OUT.

EARLIER TODAY, NOTED PUBLIFIGURE TAUHEED EPPS, ALSO KNOWN

AS 2 CHAINZ.

ALSO KNOWN AS TITY BOI.

AND HAIRWEAVEKILLER.

BLEW UPSOCIAL MEDIA WITH PLANS TO

RUNNING FOR THE MAYOR OF COLLEGEPARK, GEORGIA.

WHY ARE YOU WHOOING.

YOU DON'T LIVE THERE.

DO YOU ACTUALLY LIVE THERE?

>> YES!

>> CHRIS: YOU ACTUALLY LIVE INCOLLEGE PARK, GEORGIA.

WELL, SAY HELLO TO YOURPOTENTIAL NEW MAYOR.

NOW, WHEN YOU GO TO VOTE FORHIM, JUST REMEMBER THAT HIS

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN MIGHT BESOMETHING LIKE ALONG THE LINES

OF:"2 CHAINZ GOT THEM STARIN' AT MY

NECKLACE.

LET'S MAKE A SEX TAPE AND PUT ITON NETFLIX."

( APPLAUSE )IT'S KIND OF--

IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE GETTYSBURGADDRESS.

WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

( LAUGHTER )GIVE US A CAMPAIGN SLOGAN FOR

THE FUTURE HIZZONOR, JIM NORTON.

>> GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE MEPROBATION.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

JOHN.

>> MORE DOPE THAN ROB FORDCOLLEGE PARK GET ON BOARD FOR A

PUSSY SMORGASBORD.

>> CHRIS: ONLY A WHITE GUYPRETENDING TO BE A BLACK GUY

WOULD USE THE WORD"SMORGASBORD."

>> YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW,CHRIS.

I MEAN-->> CHRIS: KURT.

>> OBAMA GAVE YOU CHANGE, I WILLGIVE YOU 2 CHAINS.

>> CHRIS: OH, NICE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

( APPLAUSE )INSTAGRAM AND FACEBOOK MAY HAVE

CRASHED TEMPORARILY.

BUT NOT BEFORE EAST COAST-BASEDCELEBRITIES HAD A CHANCE TO POST

PICS AND VIDEOS OF THENSELVESBRAVING THE BLIZZARD.

VANESSA HUDGENS INSTAGRAMMEDTHIS EQUAL PARTS ARTSY AND

ADORABLE VIDEO.

>> IT'S SNOWING.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: BY THE WAY,SHE'S THE ONLY METEOROLOGIST WHO

GAVE US ACCURATE WEATHER.

( APPLAUSE )SO THANKS, VANESSA.

COMEDIANS, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG#SNOWYCELEBRITIES, EXAMPLES

MIGHT BE FREEZE WITHERSPOON, OR2 CHAINS FOR YOUR REAR TIRES.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

KURT.

>> BUNDLES UP CUMBERBATCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> PIERRE SHRINK LAGE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> GWYNETH PLOW-TROW.

>> RAIN THE ROCK SALT JOHNSON.

>> BILBO TO BOGONS.

>> LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE FREEZE.

>> CHRIS: JIM.

>> EDWARD SNOWDEN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JOHN.

>> CHILLY BOB THORNTON.

>> JACK BLACK ICE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> BILL BRRRR.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY "SELFIEESTEEM: GYM EDITION."

I MEAN, WHY EVEN GO TO THE GYMIF YOU DON'T POST A SELFIE TO

SHOW EVERYONE YOU GO TO THE GYM?

I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST, IACTUALLY DID THAT ONCE.

( LAUGHTER )I'M A HYPOCRITICAL DOUCHEBAG.

COMEDIANS I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUSOME SELF-ABSORBED FIT-PICS, AND

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU GIVE METHEIR INNER MONOLOGUE.

FIRST UP, THIS HUMAN CHUNK OFBEEF JERKY.

>> THAT RADIOACTIVE GAY GUY INTHE SHOWER HAS GIVEN ME STRANGE

POWERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> I'M A VEINY BAG OF WALNUTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )>> I'M LIKE A STEROID

BOBBLEHEAD.

NEXT ONE: THIS SPREAD-EAGLEDGYM RAT IN SEXY LEGGINGS.

>> YOU WERE ALL OVER THAT ONE,YOU'RE LIKE, I'M IN!

IG--TCH.>> IT'S KEGEL EXERCISES LIKE

THIS THAT ENABLE ME TO CRUSH AMAN!

>> CHRIS: POINTS, YOU GOTTA DOTHEM.

>> THAT'S A USEFUL SKILL.

BY THE WAY, BRO, YOU DON'T HAVETO HASH TAG EVERY ( BLEEP )

WORD.

HASHTAG JIM SELFIE, HASH TAGCALVES, HASH TAG GYM RAT, HASH

TAG GYM MODE, HASH TAG FITFREAK, HASH TAG MOTIVATED, HASH

TAG FOCUS, HASH TAG DRIVEN, HASHTAG, YOU SHOULD NOT BE ON

INSTAGRAM.

YOU HAVE TO HASH TAG EVERY( BLEEP ) WORD.

( APPLAUSE )HASHTAG MY BROTHERS DON'T CALL

ME ANYMORE FOR SOME REASON.

( LAUGHTER )NEXT ONE, THIS BARB ARE A LEG

FOR AN ARM.

YES, JIM?

>> COME HERE, BOY.

MOMMA HAS SOME PEANUT BUTTER FORYOU.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> HI, DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TOTALK ABOUT JOSEPH SMITH AND THE

CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTERDAY SAINTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME"COLOR ME BAD."

COLORING BOOK CORRUPTIONS IS ADELIGHTFUL WEB SITE THAT SHOWS

US WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHILDREN'SCOLORING BOOKS FALL INTO THE

HANDS OF THE INTERNET'S HUGEPOPULATION OF ARTISTIC PERVERTS.

I WILL SHOW YOU BOOK AND YOUTELL US HOW IT GETS CORRUPTED.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE, GROVER.

GROVER SUMMONING DEMON ORSERENADING A SEX PARTY.

>> SERENADING A SEX PARTY!

>> NO.

IT'S SUMMONING A DEMON.

>> THAT COULD TURN INTO A SEXPARTY REAL FAST.

ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS SIT ONTHOSE CANDLES.

( LAUGHTER )IS HARRY POTTER TRIPPING ON

MUSHROOMS WITH HAGRID OR-- INTRUE INTERNET FLASH PIC STYLE

GETTING BUGGERED BY RON WESLY.

>> FOR THE SAKE OF MY ERECTION IHOPE IT'S GETTING BUGGERED BY

RON WEASLEY.

>> CHRIS: AND YOU YOUR BONERBOTH GET POINTS.

THERE YOU GO.

>> CHRIS: I THINK THAT'S-- ITHINK IT'S-- I THINK THAT'S 69

POINTS.

>> I'LL GO WITH HAIRY.

>> SOUNDS LIKE JANE LYNCH.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS FOR JIM

NORTON.

>> CHRIS: IS THIS YOUNG LADYASSAULTING A DOG OR FLASHING A

TROUT?

>> OOOH, FLASHING A TROUTBECAUSE IT WOULD BE REDUNDANT.

REDUNDANT.

>> CHRIS: NO, SHE'S-- ASSAULTINGA DOG.

>> THAT'S ABOUT TO TURN INTOJAPANESE PORNOGRAPHY.

>> CHRIS: YES!

ABOUT TO TURN INTO?

>> ( BLEEP ) THAT DOG.

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