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Extended - Thursday, July 30, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 07/30/2015
  • views: 7,258

Matt Oberg, Suzi Barrett and Seth Morris rip into sarcasm scientists, explain why they #GotDumpedBecause and forecast the weather in this uncensored, extended episode. (25:13)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)NICE! OH, I LIKE YOUR

ENTHUSIASM.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN A GOOD PLACEEMOTIONALLY, BECAUSE IT'S TIME

FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF ACANDIDATE'S MOST TRANSPARENT

ATTEMPTS OF PANDERING TO THEELECTORATE-- IT'S PANDERDOME!

(WHOOPING)BOOM!

WHETHER IT'S ENJOYING A BOWL OFPOSSUM CHOWDER WITH LOCAL

AMPUTEES OR SHOVING A SLICE OFPIZZA IN THEIR MOUTH NEXT TO THE

GUY WHO PLAYED GREASY PETE ONTHE SOPRANOS, THERE'S NO B...

"THERE'S NO GREASY PETE ON THESOPRANOS!"

AW, FUCK YOU!

(LAUGHTER)THERE'S NO BETTER WAY FOR AN

OUT-OF-TOUCH CAREER POLITICIANTO COSPLAY AS A MAN OF THE

PEOPLE THAN DINING AT ADOWN-HOME EATERY.

THIS WEEK WISCONSIN GOVERNOR,SCOTT WALKER, VISITED AN ICONIC

PHILLY CHEESESTEAK JOINT, AND AFEW REPORTERS WERE THERE TO

TWEET ABOUT IT WHEN THEYPROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT

WORK.

AS WE CAN SEE IN THIS PHOTO BYTHE PHILADELPHIA'S INQUIRER MATT

GELB, HE PATHETICALLY ONLYFINISHED 50% OF HIS SECOND

SANDWICH!

THAT'S LIKE A SANDWICH AND AHALF, PEOPLE!

THAT'S ALSO MUCH HIGHER THAN HOWHE'S CURRENTLY POLLING.

(LAUGHTER)THE FAMOUSLY HOSPITABLE CITIZENS

OF PHILADELPHIA-- WHO ONCE BOOEDSANTA, BY THE WAY-- WERE NOT

PARTICULARLY WELCOMING FOR THEWISCONSIN GOVERNOR.

HERE WE SEE TWO WRITERS FOR THENEW YORKER'S "SHOUTS AND

MURMURS" HOLDING SIGNS READING:"SCOTT WALKER LIVES INSIDE MY

BUTT" AND... "SCOTT WALKERSNIFFS HIS OWN POOP."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)WE WOULD LIKE TO GREATLY THANK

THE WASHINGTON POST'S JENNAJOHNSON FOR THIS INCREDIBLE

TWIT-PICK. UH, COMED...

(MAN CHEERS)OH, YEAH!

GIVING JENNA SOME LOVE!

(APPLAUSE)>> WHOO!

>> HARDWICK: WHOO!

SO, COMEDIANS, IN LIGHT OF THISPHOTOGRAPH AND IN LIGHT OF WHAT

YOU KNOW ABOUT, UH, ABOUTCHEESESTEAK-GATE, I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO PLEASE GIVE US A ZILLOWREAL ESTATE LISTING FOR INSIDE

THAT GUY'S BUTT.

SETH.

>> PACKED WITH MORE SHIT THAN ASTORAGE UNIT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)SUZI BARRETT.

>> UH, LAST STOP OFF THE TUBE,BROWN LINE EXIT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

MATT.

>> TONGUES OF HARDWOODTHROUGHOUT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'S AN

AMAZING JOKE.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS TO YOU, SIR.

UH, NOW WE'RE MOVING ON.

HERE'S A VERY VALUABLE PIECE OFNEWS-- A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THAT

SARCASM CAN BRUISE...

AW, FUCK MY FACE.

(LAUGHTER)>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: HERE'S A...

(GIBBERISH)(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

>> THIS A GOOD ANGLE?

>> HARDWICK: YOU WANNA...

YEAH, THIS IS GOOD.

THIS IS GOOD, THIS IS GOOD.

>> OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> OKAY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

(WHOOPING CONTINUES)(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

>> HARDWICK: AND NOW THAT I'VEBEEN SUFFICIENTLY FACE-FUCKED,

LET'S MOVE ON.

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S A REALLY VALUABLE PIECE

OF NEWS-- A NEW STUDY CLAIMSTHAT SARCASM CAN BOOST

BRAINPOWER.

WOW, GREAT RESEARCH PROJECT.

SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY SMARTALLOCATION OF SCIENTIFIC

RESOURCES. UH...

THAT STUDY SAYS THAT FORMULATINGAND PROCESSING SAR...

WHAT?

THE STUDY SAYS THAT FORMULATINGAND PROCESSING SARCASM REQUIRES

ADDITIONAL MENTAL EFFORT, WHICHINCREASES ABSTRACT THINKING

ABILITIES.

THIS EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY NOBELLAUREATES WORK BEHIND THE

COUNTER AT GAMESTOP.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE THEBRANIAC SCIENTIST BEHIND THIS

PAPER A SARCASTIC COMPLIMENT.

YES, MATT.

>> I TOTALLY MEANT TO READ YOURSTUDY, BRO, BUT THEN I

REMEMBERED I DON'T CARE AND IDON'T KNOW HOW TO READ.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

UH, SETH MORRIS.

>> OH, GREAT STUDY, GUYS.

LET ME GET OUT MY PRETENDWALLET AND MAKE IT PRETEND RAIN

ON YOU.

DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE FAKEPLACE, YOU DUMMIES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

SUZ... SUZI BARRETT.

>> THANK GOD FOR YOUR RESEARCH.

I AM SO GLAD THAT SOMEBODYFINALLY STEPPED UP AND KEPT

IGNORING AIDS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

THERE'S NOTHING QUITE AS PAINFULAS GETTING DUMPED.

BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS, ALL YOU CANDO IS PICK YOURSELF UP OFF THE

FLOOR AND TELL YOURSELF YOU'REBETTER OFF.

ALSO, PRAYING YOUR EX ONE DAYCONTRACTS A DEBILITATING DISEASE

THAT SPREADS THROUGH THEIRENTIRE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM

HELPS AS WELL.

SO IN HONOR OF ALL THE SCORNEDLOVERS OUT THERE, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #GOTDUMPEDBECAUSE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, UH,"I PERISCOPE ALL OUR FIGHTS."

OR "SHE COULDN'T APPRECIATE MYCOLLECTION OF MICROSUEDE THONG

UNITARDS."

UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

SETH.

>> I LOOK LIKE THE BRAWNY PAPERTOWEL GUY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SUZI.

>> UH, BECAUSE APPARENTLY WOMENAREN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE THEIR OWN

OPINIONS AND I'M SUPER RACIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MATT.

>> I CAN'T DO PULL-UPS AND IDON'T DO PULL-OUTS.

>> HARDWICK: POI...

POINTS.

SUZI.

>> UH, FOR BIRTH CONTROL I JUSTKEEP MY NYLONS ON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SETH.

>> MY FAVORITE SEX ACT IS MINIONPLAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> SUZI.

>> UH, I CAN ONLY MAKE OUT IFKIDZ BOP IS PLAYING.

>> HARDWICK: OH, POINTS.

UH, MATT.

>> MY NAKED BODY IS OFF-PUTTING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SUZI.

>> UH, MY UNDIES SMELL LIKECREAMED MEAT LOAF.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SETH.

>> I GIVE OUT RAISINS ONHALLOWEEN.

>> HARDWICK: OH...

YOU PIECE OF SHIT, HOW COULD YOUDO THAT TO A CHILD?

POINTS.

SUZI.

>> I CLEANSED MY BUTT PLUG INHIS CONTACTS CUP.

>> HARDWICK: THAT IS A TINY BUTTPLUG.

>> NOT TO ME.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY STRATOS-FEAR.

STRATOS-FEAR.

NOW, UH, ON THEIR NEW SERIES,AMERICA'S NEXT WEATHERMAN, YOU

GUYS ARE CONSTANTLY GIVING REALASPIRING METEOROLOGISTS A VERY

HARD TIME, SO WE WANTED TO...

UH, LET YOU SEE HOW THAT FEELSFOR A MINUTE AND SHOW YOU MAYBE

IT AIN'T SO EASY, JERKS.

SO WE'RE GONNA PUT YOU IN FRONTOF A REAL FORECAST PATTERN AND

YOU HAVE TELL US WHAT WE CANEXPECT, WEATHER-WISE.

THE PROBLEM IS, UH, IT'S...

OUR SCREENS ARE WONKY, SO, UH,WE ALL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MIGHT

POP UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW, WE DON'T KNOW.

UH, WHATEVER HAPPENS, THOUGH,TRY TO STAY PROFESSIONAL AND

JUST GO WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?

MATT, YOU'RE UP FIRST.

>> OH, GOD.

>> HARDWICK: TAKE IT AWAY.

MATT-- GIVE IT UP FORMATT OBERG.

AND NOW...

AND I'LL THROW TO YOU, OKAY?

HERE WE GO.

UH, AND NOW HERE WITH THEWEATHER REPORT, HERE'S

MATT OBERG.

>> HI, EVERYBODY, THANKS, CHRIS.

UM, JEEZ, REAL, REAL, REAL HOT.

COMING UP TO 1,116 DEGREES.

I BELIEVE THAT COR...

UP, AND-AND IT'S GONNA BE WINDYDOWN AT THE BEACH, SO YOU MIGHT

WANT TO PACK, UH, SOME SORT OFWIND PROTECTION AND THEN, UH,

YOUR FRIEND TERRY'S GONNA STEALA PICKUP TRUCK, SO JUST HELP HIM

OUT WITH THAT.

IT'S GONNA BE WET.

AND, UH, THEN, OF COURSE, THEYSIGNED, UH...

THERE-THERE'S THE PIE-EATINGCONTEST, AND THAT... IT'S GONNA

BE GREAT WEATHER FOR SHOVINGCHILDREN'S FACES INTO PIE.

JUST A REAL CLEAR DAY IN CASEYOU WANT TO ABUSE SOME LOCAL

CHILDREN THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

UM, AND, UH, IT MIGHT GET STEAMYDOWN NEAR YOUR, UH...

YOUR... DOWN NEAR YOUR ANACONDA.

JUST... IF YOU CAN JUST GET IT,GET A CLOSE-UP LOOK HERE, JUST

RIGHT IN THERE-- THAT'S WHEREIT'S REALLY, REALLY GONNA GET

REAL, REAL HOT.

AND, UH, THIS IS JUST A PICTUREOF WHAT'S HAPPENING INSIDE MY,

SORT OF, LOINS AT THIS POINT.

JUST KIND OF A-A RIOT OF FIRE.

BUT, UH, SHOULD CLEAR UP BY THEWEEKEND.

BACK TO YOU, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU, MATT.

WELL DONE.

UH, I'LL GIVE YOU 300 POINTS FORTHAT.

SUZI, YOU'RE NEXT, GET UP THERE.

AND, UH, NOW, THERE...

AND NOW...

AND NOW, FOR THE WEATHER, HERE'SSUZI BARRETT.

>> WELL, FOLKS, AS YOU CAN SEE,THIS GIANT THUMBPRINT IS

CAUSING, UH, SAT SCORES TOPLUMMET ACROSS THE NATION.

THAT'S GONNA PUSH ON THROUGH ASWE SEE, INDICATED RIGHT HERE,

THE EASTERN SEABOARD IS GONNA BEGETTING A LITTLE POKIER.

AND THAT POKINESS, OUCH, ISGONNA BE BLOWING SOME BURRS AND

THORNS STRAIGHT AT YOUR FACE.

DO NOT GO OUTSIDE IF YOU LIVE INTHE SAVANNA UNLESS YOU'RE THIS

GUY, IN WHICH CASE, YOU WANT TOSHOW OFF THAT OUTFIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN, I WILL WARN YOU THATSOME ANAL LEAKAGE CAN BE CAUSED,

BUT THE HEAT... THE HEAT, AS YOUCAN SEE, IS NOTHING TO WORRY

ABOUT, JUST MAKE SURE YOU APPLYSOME SUNSCREEN...

ANY WAY YOU CAN APPLY IT.

THE... THE, AND THAT'S BACK TOYOU, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, SUZI,THANK YOU.

WELL DONE.

>> WELL DONE.

>> WELL DONE.

>> HARDWICK: SUZI, I WILL GIVEYOU, UH, 400 POINTS FOR YOUR

WEATHER REPORT.

UH, AND NOW FOR WEATHER, HERE'SSETH MORRIS.

>> WELL, THANKS, CHRIS.

UH, I DROPPED A LITTLE BIT OFACID RIGHT BEFORE THIS AND THIS

IS WHAT THINGS LOOK LIKE TO ME.

UH, BUNCH OF WAVY LINES, ASERIES OF, UH, KIND OF, ENERGIES

COMING AT ME.

UH, THIS IS WHAT I FEEL IN MYHEART WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE DAD

WHO SAID I'D NEVER MAKE IT.

WELL, HERE I AM, DAD!

ON @MIDNIGHT, DOING THE PRETENDWEATHER.

UH, OKAY, AND, UH, OF COURSE,YEAH, THE ACID IS KICKING IN

PRETTY HARD AT THIS POINT.

UH... YOU GUYS CAN'T SEE THIS,BUT TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S

A DINOSAUR PLAYING BASEBALL.

UH...

OKAY, THIS IS A PICTURE OF MEBEFORE THE SHOW.

UH, I DID HAVE A LITTLE BIT OFBALLS WITH MY PIZZA.

BECAUSE I'M TRYING NOT TO DO SOMANY CARBS.

UH, AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO BECAREFUL OF THIS, BECAUSE WE'VE

GOT A HANDSOME FRONT COMING INRIGHT ON THIS SIDE OF THE MAP.

>> HARDWICK: AW, NICE GUY.

THANK YOU, SETH MORRIS.

UH, 300 POINTS TO YOU,SETH MORRIS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I ASKED YOU TOCOME UP WITH YOUR OWN GENERIC

VERSIONS OF THE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"SONG.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH-- MATT OBERG, LET'S START

WITH YOU.

>> HERE GOES.

♪ YOUR MOM AND DAD HAD SEXYOUR MOM AND DAD HAD SEX

YOUR DAD WAS LIKE... (GRUNTS)♪ YOUR MOM WAS LIKE... (MOANS)

PICTURE THEIR GENITALS RIGHTNOW! ♪

>> HARDWICK: AMAZING.

I MEAN, TO BE HONEST, I DON'TEVEN THINK WE NEED TO FREE THE

COPYRIGHT ANYMORE.

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S GONNA...

IT MIGHT BE WEIRD AT THE CHUCKE. CHEESE'S, BUT OTHER THAN

THAT, I THINK THAT IT'S...

>> KIDS NEED TO KNOW THIS STUFF.

THE EARLIER THEY KNOW THAT STUFFTHE BETTER, I THINK.

>> THE SHAME THOUGH IS THATWARNER BROTHERS DOES OWN THAT

SONG.

>> HARDWICK: OH, THEY OWN IT,TOO.

DAMN IT.

ALL RIGHT, SUZI BARRETT.

>> ♪ IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY AND THISIS YOUR SONG

IT'S SOCIETAL CONVENTION THAT WE♪ HAVE TO SING ALONG

WE HAVE TO, WE HAVE TOWE HAVE TO, WE HAVE TO

WE HAVE TO, WE HAVE TO... ♪>> HARDWICK: EXCELLENT.

ALL RIGHT.

SETH MORRIS.

>> OKAY, OKAY, I THINK I GOTTHIS.

SO THIS IS... WE WANT TO AVOIDTHE COPYRIGHT STUFF, RIGHT?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, I GOT IT.

♪ IT'S YOUR PARTYYOU CAN CRY... ♪

NOPE, HOLD ON. WAIT A MINUTE,WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT.

UH... ♪ IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOUKNO... ♪

WAIT A MINUTE. NOPE, THAT'S NOTIT, THAT'S NOT IT.

UH, UH... ♪ CELEBRATE... GODDAMN IT, THIS IS HARD.

I CAN'T... FORGET IT.

I CAN'T DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, YOU CAN'T DOIT.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FINE. UH...

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT

GAME, BAD JEOPARDY ANSWERS.

BAD JEOPARDY ANSWERS.

(JEOPARDY-LIKE THEME PLAYING)NOW, WHEN WE'RE NOT...

>> SPEAKING OF COPYRIGHT...

>> HARDWICK: WELL, I MEAN, UH,IT'S A CLOSE PROXIMITY.

IT'S A SIMILE.

>> IT'S GOT THE SAME KIND OF FUNVIBE, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S GOT THATSAME SORT OF, LIKE, "HEY, WE'RE

IN A KEYBOARD STORE.

LET'S SEE WHAT THIS SETTINGDOES."

THAT'S THE THEME.

ALL RIGHT.

WHEN WE'RE NOT TAKING THEINTERNET DOWN A PEG, WE SURE

ENJOY SOME QUALITY TRIVIAPROGRAMMING, AND ON TOP OF THAT,

OF COURSE, IS JEOPARDY, OURSISTER SHOW, UH, UNOFFICIALLY.

UNOFFICIALLY.

IT'S VERY SIMILAR.

>> CHRIS, YOU LOOK GREAT IN THATPHOTO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THANK YOUVERY MUCH.

I REALLY... I WAS 19 THERE.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

SO, UH, WE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNTO PLAY OUR VERSION OF IT RIGHT

HERE.

UH, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA GIVEYOU A CLUE.

I WANT YOU TO BUZZ IN WITH THEAPPROPRIATE ANSWER.

REMEMBER TO PHRASE IN THE FORMOF A QUESTION, AND I WILL

REMEMBER TO HAVE A HUGE DICKLIKE ALEX TREBEK.

THIS IS... BASICALLY, THIS IS AHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALEX TREBEK.

HE TURNED 76 YEARS OLD RECENTLY,SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

AND I'M GONNA START THE CLOCKRIGHT NOW.

UH, RIGHT HERE, RAMPS.

SUZI BARRETT.

>> WHAT IS "SPMAR" SPELLEDBACKWARDS?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, TAYLOR SWIFT.

SETH MORRIS.

>> WHO SPEAKS TO ME DIRECTLYTHROUGH HER SONGS?

I LOVE YOU, TAYLOR SWIFT!

I LOVE YOU.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS ANDRESTRAINING ORDER.

NEXT ONE, ENDANGERED SPECIES.

MO... OBERG.

>> WHAT IS THE NUMBER ONE THINGON MY LIST OF COOL THINGS TO

SHOOT WITH A CROSSBOW?

>> HARDWICK: P... OH, SHIT.

OH. THAT SON OF A BITCH!

BUT POINTS.

NEXT ONE, BLACK HOLE.

SUZI.

>> UH, WHAT IS THE DISCARDEDPART OF A PUMPERNICKEL BAGEL?

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'S GENIUS!

POINTS!

UH, NEXT ONE, "MEASURE TWICE,CUT ONCE."

SUZI.

>> UH, WHAT DOES JADEN SMITH SAYWHEN HE ANSWERS THE TELEPHONE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, YES, NEXT ONE.

(ZAPPING SOUNDS)OH, IT'S THE DAILY DOUBLE.

I THINK BY THAT SAD SOUNDEFFECT ATTEMPT.

THAT DIDN'T FEEL VERY DAILYDOUBLY IN NATURE.

UH, 1969, IF YOU GET... IF YOUGET POINTS, YOU WILL BE GETTING

DOUBLE POINTS THIS TIME.

SETH MORRIS.

>> WHAT IS A DIFFICULTFOUR-PERSON SEX POSITION?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

DOUBLE POINTS FOR SETH MORRIS.

WHICH BRINGS YOU ALL THE WAY UPTO THIRD PLACE.

NEXT ONE, "TO KILL AMOCKINGBIRD."

YES, OBERG.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH ALLOF THAT MOCKINGBIRD POISON?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GODDAMN IT.

NEXT ONE... NEXT CLUE, BENEDICTCUMBERBATCH.

SUZI BARRETT.

>> UH, WHAT IS A SINGLE BAKEABLEUNIT OF BENEDICT CUMBERS?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

AND NEXT ONE, THE BIGGEST LOSER.

THE BIGGEST LOSER.

YES, OBERG.

>> WHAT IS MY UBER DRIVER AFTERI EAT TOO MUCH DAIRY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THE NEXT CLUE, LAST ONE, 10,000MANIACS.

SETH MORRIS.

>> WHAT DID I DRY-HUMP TO IN THE'90S?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS TO YOU.

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