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Extended - Thursday, December 18, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 12/18/2014
  • Views: 15,553

Drew Carey, Margaret Cho and Blaine Capatch learn about a sexy airplane service, summarize #2014In5Words and write seasonal dating ads in this extended, uncensored episode. (31:41)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)LAST ONE OF THE YEAR, GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: GOOD NEWS FOR MANICNEUROTICS ON THE GO-- A NEW APP

CALLED TALKSPACE ALLOWS A USERTO TEXT WITH A LICENSED

THERAPIST, 'CAUSE THERE'SNOTHING BETTER THAN SOMEONE

STRUGGLING WITH A CRIPPLINGSENSE OF SELF TO GET BACK THE

TEXT: NEW PHONE. WHO DIS?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

BUT...

BUT WE GET IT, WE GET IT--DEPRESSION'S ALWAYS HIGHEST

AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, AND WHATWITH ALL THE FAMILY DRAMA AND

THE INESCAPABILITY OF MICHAELBUBLÉ, COMEDIANS...

(LAUGHTER)...WHAT IS A TEXT YOU'D SEND TO

A LICENSED E-THERAPIST?

DREW CAREY.

>> UH... MORNING, SEXY. YOU UP?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NOW, DREW, WE

TALKED ABOUT THIS.

POINTS.

MARGARET CHO.

>> CAN YOU LOSE YOUR LICENSE FORSEXTING A PATIENT?

>> HARDWICK: NO.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)BLAINE.

>> UH, THIS CIGAR ISN'T JUST ACIGAR. PLEASE ADVISE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS.

MOVING ON... SURE, YOU WANT TOJOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB, BUT YOU

CAN'T DISABLE THE BATHROOM SEXDETECTORS WITHOUT BEING FINED.

WHAT'S AN AIRBORNE HORNY COUPLETO DO?

WELL, YOU GO AHEAD AND HIRE THEJIMMYJANE JET SET SEX PLANE

RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)THE SEX PLANE HAS EVERYTHING A

COUPLE, AND MAYBE ANOTHERCOUPLE, AND MAYBE A FEW GERBILS

WHO NEED TO GET IT ON INHIGH ALTITUDES.

(LAUGHTER)YOU GOT YOUR CONDOMS, YOU GOT

YOUR MASKS, YOU GOT YOURBLINDFOLDS, YOU GOT YOUR TINY

BOTTLES OF VODKA.

THE ONLY THING THEY'RE NOTPROVIDING IS SOMEONE, UH, FOR TO

HAVE SEX WITH YOU. UH...

(LAUGHTER)IT IS TOTALLY B.Y.O.P. UH...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)THE FLIGHT WON'T SUPPLY IT.

NOW, LISTEN TO THIS.

THE FLIGHTS START AT $35,000,BUT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, FOR THREE

GRAND, TED NUGENT'LL TAKE YOU UPIN A HELICOPTER AND WATCH YOU

BEAT OFF.

(LAUGHTER)YOU CAN SAVE A LOT OF MONEY THAT

WAY.

COMEDIANS, I'D LIKE YOU TO GIVEME A LINE FROM THE IN-FLIGHT

SAFETY LECTURE AS A FLIGHTATTENDANT ON THE JIMMYJANE JET

SET SEX PLANE.

DREW CAREY, BEGIN.

>> CAN I FIRST SAY, I'M VERYEXCITED ABOUT THIS, 'CAUSE I CAN

ACTUALLY AFFORD IT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

PLEASE, UH, PLEASE STRAP ON YOUROWN DILDO, AND THEN YOU CAN

ASSIST YOUR CHILD.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: MARGARET.

>> PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR LEGSARE IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION

WHILE ATTEMPTING TO GET UP INTHESE GUTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)BLAINE CAPATCH.

>> PLACE THE END INTO THE BUCKLEAND TIGHTEN UNTIL YOU HEAR THE

SAFE WORD.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)ALTHOUGH... UH, YOU GUYS TOTALLY

NEGLECTED-- IF YOUR PARTNER DOESNOT INFLATE, BLOW INTO THE TUBE

JUST BELOW THE BELTLINE.

(LAUGHTER)UH, MOVING ON, A NEWS STORY WENT

VIRAL THIS WEEK ABOUT AN IRISHMAN WHO VISITED A MUSEUM AND,

UH, DID WHAT YOU WOULD EXPECT--PUNCHED A HOLE THROUGH A

PRICELESS MONET.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)AAH! IT'S YOU AND ME, MONET, YOU

FECKIN' PIECE OF SHITE!

(LAUGHTER)STOP STARING AT ME WITH YOUR

PRETTY COLORS!

IT'S GREAT SEEING THAT THE IRISHARE FLYING IN THE FACE OF

STEREOTYPES AND EMBRACING HIGHCULTURE.

LATER HE'LL PUKE AT A SYMPHONYAND TAKE A LEAK IN THE CORNER OF

A VEGAN GASTROPUB.

(LAUGHTER)THE STORY HAS GOTTEN SO BIG THAT

IT'S INSPIRED A VIDEO GAME FORALL YOU VIOLENT BEAUTY HATERS AT

HOME.

(LAUGHTER)(IRISH ACCENT): GET DOWN THERE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'!

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)YOU STUPID PAINTING!

>> CHRIS? CHRIS? CHRIS, CHRIS?

>> HARDWICK: YES? YES, BLAINE?

>> CHRIS? THANK YOU FOR SHOWINGME THE MONET.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO!

(AUDIENCE GROANING, BOOING)>> LOUDER! LOUDER!

>> SHOW ME THE MONET!

>> LOUDER!

>> HARDWICK: BOO!

>> SHOW ME THE MONET!

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR FECKIN'

MOUTH OR I'M GONNA PUNCH YOULIKE A PRICELESS PAINTIN'!

(LAUGHTER)THIS FEELS PRETTY MUCH LIKE YOU

THINK IT WOULD.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD BE YOURDEFENSE FOR ASSAULTING A

VALUABLE PIECE OF ART IN COURT.

DREW.

>> UH, THAT BEAUTIFUL VISTA WASFUCKING MY WIFE!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)MARGARET.

>> I'M SUFFERING FROMDEPRESSIONISM.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NICE! POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, WHOOPING)THAT FUCKIN' MONA LISA KEEPS

SMIRKING AT ME TINY DONG!

(LAUGHTER)BLAINE.

>> HE WAS COMING AT ME WITH APAINTING OF A KNIFE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

PERFECT. CASE DISMISSED.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)TONIGHT IS OUR LAST SHOW OF THE

YEAR-- IT'S VERY HARD TOBELIEVE-- BUT WHILE WE'RE GONE,

WE WANT YOU GUYS TO TWEET USPICTURES YOU TAKE DURING YOUR

2015 NEW YEAR'S EVE CELEBRATIONSAND TAG THEM #MIDNIGHTNYE.

#MIDNIGHTNYE.

WE WILL PORE THROUGH YOURDRUNKEN MISTAKES AND MAKE A GAME

TO PUBLICLY EMBARRASS YOU IN THENEW YEAR.

(LAUGHTER)UH, AND SINCE 2014 IS JUST ABOUT

OVER, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD DO ALITTLE RECAP OF IT WITH

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG 2014IN5WORDS,2014IN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: REST IN PEACEFOREVER, BETH.

OR... SWIPE, SWIPE, SWIPE,SWIPE, MOM!

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE...

DID THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOUGUYS?

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK STARTING NOW. AND GO.

BLAINE.

>> WHO WANTS THESE COSBY ALBUMS?

>> HARDWICK: NO! POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, JEERING, WHOOPING)POINTS.

YES, DREW.

>> IT'S A NEW CAR! SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: BLAINE.

>> SERIOUSLY, WHERE'D THAT PLANEGO?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> SERIOUSLY, WHERE'D THAT PLANE

GO?

>> HARDWICK: MARGARET CHO.

>> DAT ASS CONQUERED DEMTITTIES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)DREW.

>> COPS-- WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARGARET.

>> WHITE PEOPLE SHOULD PROBABLYAPOLOGIZE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS, WHOOPING)WE ARE SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)DREW.

>> UH... ESPECIALLY US OLDERWHITE GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> ALL ABOUT THAT BASE BENGHAZI.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARGARET.

>> UBER RIDE SMELLS LIKE EBOLA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> ♪ TOO MANY COOKS, TOO MANY. >> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY SCARYCHRISTMAS.

SCARY CHRISTMAS.

MALL SANTAS HAVE TO PUT UP WITHA LOT OF OBSTACLES EVERY YEAR--

BE IT LONG, THANKLESS HOURSOUTSIDE OF A FLEDGLING J.C.

PENNY, CHILDREN PEEING ON THEMAND COUGHING IN THEIR FACE OR

THE CONSTANT, DELICIOUS SMELL OFAUNTIE ANNE'S PRETZELS, MALL

SANTAS DON'T NEED ADULTS MAKINGTHINGS WORSE.

BUT NO ONE TOLD THESE FOLKS.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU GUYS A PHOTOOF ADULTS WITH MALL SANTAS.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOUR JOB IS TOTELL ME WHAT THEY ASKED SANTA TO

BRING THEM ON CHRISTMAS.

FIRST UP, WE HAVE THIS SAXSYMBOL, LOOK AT THIS...

BIT OF GOODNESS.

(BELL DINGS)BLAINE.

>> ANAL SAX.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MM-HMM.

YUP.

DREW.

>> UH, SANTA, CAN I HAVE AFRIEND?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THESE FUN-LOVINGINDOOR KIDS.

WHAT ABOUT THESE...

♪ HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY SANTA (BELL DINGS)

UH, ANYONE... BLAINE.

>> MORE PODS TO CONVERT MOREHUMANS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS,I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

DREW.

>> UH, NOW ALL WE NEED IS ADRUMMER THAT PLAYS THE MANDOLIN

AND WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARGARET.

>> FOR THEIR IMPROV TROUPE TOGET INTO SKETCH FEST.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

THAT'S WHAT THEY NEED.

THEY ARE IN AN... THEY MUST BE.

POINTS.

>> I-I JUST HOPE THEY GET THEIRPASSPORTS BACK SO THEY CAN GET

BACK TO CANADA.

I'M SERIOUS.

THOSE POOR GUYS.

>> YEAH, THEY LOOK CANADIAN.

>> HARDWICK: BY THE WAY, ITOTALLY LOOK LIKE I WOULD FIT

IN WITH THIS WEIRD HUMANCENTIPEDE.

UH, NEXT ONE, THIS SOUL PATCH INA PUFFY JACKET.

(BELL DINGS)YEAH, MARGARET?

>> A LIMPER BIZKIT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DREW.

>> UM, UH, HE NEEDS A, UH, HEWANTS A NEW STRIPPER GIRLFRIEND.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

THEN HE'S GONNA...

>> 'CAUSE THE OLD ONE GOTPREGNANT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> HMM...

HE EITHER WANTS A DIVORCE FROMYOU-KNOW-WHO, WHO HATES HIS

PUFFY JACKET...

OR SATRIANI TICKETS.

>> CAN I GET 'EM BOTH?

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW, I CAN'TBELIEVE IT TOOK UNTIL THE LAST

SHOW OF THE YEAR FOR SOMEONE TOMAKE A JOE SATRIANI REFERENCE.

>> SATS, BRO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THESE REDNECKS.

>> AND NOTHING WRONG WITHSTRIPPER GIRLFRIENDS, BY THE

WAY.

OH, SHIT, OH, MAN.

>> HARDWICK: SHIT, YEAH.

UH...

(BELL DINGS)WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH THERE,

MARGARET CHO?

>> THEY WANT JESUS TO TAKE AWAYTHEIR HOMOSEXUAL IMPULSES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

DREW.

>> THEY WANT JES...

THEY WANT JESUS TO STOP MAKINGGAY PEOPLE.

>> HARDWICK: THEY PROBABLY DO.

POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> A GROUPON FOR TATTOO REMOVAL?

>> HARDWICK: ON DASHER, ONDANCER, ON PRANCER, ON BLITZEN.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

LAST ONE, THIS GOOFY GOOBER.

(BELL DINGS)THERE IS... THERE'S NOT ONE

ELEMENT OF THAT THAT'S NOT ABUM-OUT.

BLAINE.

>> AN EXORCIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DREW.

>> WHAT?

>> UH...

HE WANTS TO GO A YEAR-- FORONCE-- WITHOUT BEING STRUCK BY

LIGHTNING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,HOWTUBE.

HOWTUBE.

YOU KNOW THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU'RETRYING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM

DEMONS OR MAKE AN ENEMA WITHCOMMON HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS, YOU

JUST WISH YOU HAD A STEP-BY-STEPTUTORIAL?

WELL, IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE IKEADIRECTIONS, TURN TO YOUTUBE,

WHERE PEOPLE POST MILLIONS OFHOW-TO VIDEOS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A THUMBNAILFOR ONE, AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU

GUESS WHAT KNOWLEDGE THEY'REIMPARTING UNTO THE WORLD.

FIRST UP, YOUR KIND-HEARTEDGRANDMA BECKY-- IS SHE GOING TO

SHOW US HOW TO PLEASURE YOUR MANOR HOW TO MASSAGE A POSSUM?

(BELL DINGS)PUT THE "O" IN OPOSSUM.

YES, DREW?

>> UH, I GOT TO SAY IT LOOKSLIKE HOW TO PLEASURE YOUR MAN.

>> HARDWICK: UH, I THINK I MIGHTHAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU, BUT

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AND START WORKING OUT THETENSION.

>> I WIN.

I SHOULD GET POINTS.

>> CHRIS, I-I THINK DREW SHOULDGET POINTS, BECAUSE THAT'S JOHN

TRAVOLTA.

>> OH!

>> WHAT? IT'S TRUE.

LOOK AT THE HAIRLINE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTSTO DREW, 100 POINTS TO BLAINE

FOR THE ASSIST.

>> WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

>> THANKS, MAN.

THANKS.

NOW NONE OF US ARE GONNA BE IN AJOHN TRAVOLTA MOVIE, YOU FUCK.

>> YEAH, YEAH, WHAT, BATTLEFIELDEARTH?

>> YOU THINK HE DOESN'T WATCHCOMEDY CENTRAL AT NIGHT WHEN

HE'S AT HOME?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, RUINMY... SORRY, JOHN.

HE DOESN'T SPEAK FOR ME.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, DREW, IT'STRAVOLTA, HOW COME YOU COMPARED

ME TO A POSSUM ON THAT SHOW?

I MEAN, COME ON.

I GOT A WAY BIGGER DICK THANTHAT POSSUM-- TWICE AS BIG.

>> AND A POSSUM DOESN'T HAVE APILOT'S LICENSE-- WHOA.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE,CRAZY RUSSIAN HACKER, OUR

FAVORITE YOUTUBE COMMIE.

IS HE GONNA SHOW US HOW TO SOUNDLIKE A REAL WOLF OR HOW TO TAKE

OFF YOUR SHIRT WITH ONE HAND?

(BELL DINGS)BLAINE CAPATCH.

>> HOW TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTWITH ONE HAND.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SO YOU STAND LIKE THAT, ALLYOU HAVE TO DO IS, LIKE, BOOM.

WHAT?

>> (WHOOPING)>> I'M GONNA TRY THAT AT HOME.

>> HARDWICK: #WHATACOUNTRY.

>> IN RUSSIA, SHIRT TAKE YOUOFF.

>> HARDWICK: NO, IT DOESN'T.

NEXT ONE, THIS MUSTACHEAFICIONADO IS GONNA TEACH US

HOW TO DRINK WHISKEY LIKE AGENTLEMAN OR HOW TO PREVENT WET

DREAMS?

(BELL DINGS)MARGARET CHO.

>> I THINK HE'S GOING TO DRINKWHISKEY LIKE A GENTLEMAN, I

WOULD HOPE.

>> I HOPE NOT, I HOPE IT'S HOWTO PREVENT MORE, GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SWIRL IT AROUND, BRING IT UPAND SAY HELLO.

AND YOU GO BACK TO...

HOW ARE YOU?

AND THEN GO BACK TO...

QUITE WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, DREW?

>> THERE GOES MY WET DREAM.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS.

>> I WAS KINDA COUNTING ON IT.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE...

>> WOULDN'T THAT BE JACK-OFFDANIELS?

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)DON'T. NO, NO. DON'T.

STOP, STOP.

>> 'CAUSE... NO, 'CAUSE IN A WETDREAM YOU'RE NOT REALLY JACKING

OFF-- YOU'RE JUST HAVING ANEROTIC DREAM.

IT JUST KIND OF COMES OUT.

>> HARDWICK: ABSOLUTE...

>> I'M JUST SAYING.

YOU KNOW, IN CASE THERE'S ANYSCIENTISTS WATCHING THE SHOW.

(LAUGHING)>> "WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE

ABOUT THE REFRACTORY PERIOD ON@MIDNIGHT!"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S TIME FOR SLEDDING INTO YOURDMS.

SLEDDING INTO YOUR DMS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)SANTA NOW HAS THREE LISTS TO ADD

YOUR NAME TO: NAUGHTY, NICE, ANDCRAIGS.

ACCORDING TO SALON.COM, THE WEBSITE'S CASUAL ENCOUNTERS SECTION

IS STUFFED WITH SANTA FETISHISTSLOOKING TO HAVE FREAKY ELF SEX

AND MAKE BAD CHRISTMAS PUNSWHILE THEY DO IT.

LIKE THIS SUBTLE SINTERKLAASRIGHT HERE.

"MARRIED SANTA HAS HAD A ROCKHARD CANDY CANE ALL DAY AND MY

CHESTNUTS ARE SO FILLED WITHCREAM THAT THEY ARE ACHING."

OKAY, LISTEN HERE, CLAUSBANGERS, MAKING BAD CHRISTMAS

PUNS ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH, UH,SANTA IS OUR JOB.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY DMS FROM

SANTA AS YOU CAN.

60 SECONDS. AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, DREW.

>> UH, MORNING, SEXY. YOU UP?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)BLAINE.

>> UH, SORRY, THAT PICTURE WASSUPPOSED TO BE FOR MRS. CLAUS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MARGARET.

>> YO, HOW TIGHT THAT CHIMNEY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)BLAINE.

>> UH, RUDOLPH DRUNK. SEND HELP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DREW.

>> UH, RUDOLPH HAS A RED ASSNOW, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WELL, YEAH, 'CAUSE...

(BELL DINGS)...THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING

THE LEAD REINDEER!

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: MARGARET.

>> WHERE MY HO, HO, HOS AT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DREW CAREY.

>> I WANT TO "SLEIGH" THAT ASS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

YEAH.

YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)MARGARET.

>> UM, DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE ALUMP OF COAL ON YOUR CHEST?

(GROANING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

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