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Extended - Thursday, April 23, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 04/23/2015
  • views: 9,681

Randall Park, Sam Richardson and Jordan Morris list #XtremeShakespeare works, guess which campaign ads are real and name awful hairstyles on this extended, uncensored episode. (30:08)

>> HARDWICK: IT'S 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON YOUTUBE TODAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO HAND IT TOTHE REPUBLICANS FOR AT LEAST

TRYING TO REACH MILLENNIALS ONYOUTUBE, EVEN IF THAT TRY IS AS

PAINSTAKINGLY MANIPULATED AS THEBEARD, GLASSES, LEATHER JACKET

THEY PUT ON THIS REAL HIPSTERSTARRING IN IT.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWINGPERFORMANCE OF SCOTT GREENBERG,

UH, IS RATED TV MA FOR"MAGNIFICENTLY AWKWARD."

>> I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHECK MYBANK ACCOUNT BEFORE I FILL UP MY

CAR, BUT SO MUCH OF MY PAYCHECKENDS UP GOING TO GAS.

>> HARDWICK: AND SO MUCH OF MYPAYCHECK IS GOING TO URBAN

OUTFITTERS TO FIT IN.

(LAUGHTER)YOU PEEPS CAN RELATE.

RIGHT, MY PEEPS?

>> YEAH.

>> WHEN IT COMES TO ENERGYPOLICY FOR THIS COUNTRY, I'M FOR

EVERYTHING-- SOLAR, WIND, SHALEGAS, OIL, WHATEVER.

I'M A REPUBLICAN.

>> HARDWICK: SHALE GAS.

ALL THE KIDS ARE TALKING ABOUTIT.

(LAUGHTER)I CAN AVOID LOOKING AT THE

CAMERA THIS WAY, OR THIS WAY, ORTHIS WAY.

WHATEVER.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHER THING

THIS CONSERVATIVE HIPSTER SHILLMIGHT PROFESS TO NO ONE IN

PARTICULAR?

RANDALL.

>> UH, IF GAY PEOPLE ARE ALLOWEDTO MARRY, THEN WHAT'S NEXT?

A MAN MARRYING A FIXED-GEARBIKE?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

SAM, GO.

>> I BUY ALL MY GUNS ATWAL-MART, IRONICALLY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

JORDAN MORRIS, GO.

>> I WAS DENYING WOMEN THEIRRIGHTS, REPRESSING MINORITIES

AND TAKING HEALTHCARE FROM THEMIDDLE CLASS BEFORE IT WAS COOL.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, IT'S

TIME TO START @MIDNIGHT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WELCOME TO @MIDNIGHT.

I AM CHRIS HARDWICK.

TONIGHT IS TAG TEAM THURSDAY.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)OH, NEW GRAPHICS.

TONIGHT'S COMEDIANS ARE PLAYINGFOR THREE LUCKY FOLLOWERS OF THE

@MIDNIGHT TWITTER ACCOUNT, SOTHEY AND THEIR TAG TEAM PARTNERS

WILL BOTH BE WINNERS.

TONIGHT'S COMEDIANS ARE...

FROM "VEEP," SUNDAYS ON HBO, AND"FRESH OFF THE BOAT," TUESDAYS

ON ABC-- RANDALL PARK.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HELLO.

>> HARDWICK: RANDALL, THROUGHOUR VERY FANCY, TECHNOLOGICAL,

RANDOM, TAG TEAM PARTNERGENERATOR, YOU, TONIGHT, ARE

PLAYING FOR... @SWEET_TóBARKER.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)TIFFANY ASHLEY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, "THE FINALDESIGN FOR MY WEDDING

INVITATIONS ARE COMPLETE.

TIME TO PRINT.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY DR. WHOWEDDING."

OH, MY GOD, I LOVE YOU.

>> WOW.

>> HER DR. WHO WEDDING LOOKSFUN.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO THEIRNINJA TURTLES DIVORCE.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S WHEN THEIR

MARRIAGE WILL SPLINTER.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)SEE, BECAUSE HIS...

THAT'S THE...

(APPLAUSE)ALSO FROM "VEEP," HE PLAYS

RICHARD-- SAM RICHARDSON!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)TONIGHT, YOU WILL BE PLAYING FOR

@LAUFEYSON_NIPS.

THAT'S JASMINE NAPOLES, ORJASMINE NAPOLE-AZE.

UH, AND, UM, JASMINE DID ADRAWING OF ME WHICH I...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JASMINE.

(CHEERING)>> YEAH, IT SUITS YOU.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S...

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> YEAH.

>> BEAUTIFUL.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU... THAT'SWHAT YOU...?

>> CHRIS, I KNOW...

>> NO.

>> I MEAN...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: IT'S ME.

PRETTY RIGHT ON.

>> OKAY.

>> I MEAN, SHE'S GOT A LONGCAREER AS SKETCH ARTIST THERE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK SO, YEAH.

>> AS A POLICE SKETCH ARTIST.

>> CHRIS, I KNOW YOU LOVE FANART THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU

HAVE JAUNDICE.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I DO. YEAH, I DO.

UH...

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SEE IN THEMIRROR WHEN YOU SAY "CANDYMAN"

FOUR TIMES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: FROM THE JORDAN,

JESSE GO! PODCAST, LIVE TAPINGAT THE KUUMBWA JAZZ CENTER IN

SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA TOMORROWNIGHT-- JORDAN MORRIS!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)JORDAN MORRIS, BOY DETECTIVE...

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ...TONIGHT YOU AREPLAYING FOR @BLAMEHOCKEY52.

>> "BOO."

>> HARDWICK: WHO... WE JUSTDON'T... WE DON'T REALLY KNOW

THE CONTEXT OF THIS TWEET,BUT... "BOO!"

>> I FEEL LIKE...

>> HARDWICK: MAYBE TRAY DAWG'SNOT PSYCHED ON YOU BEING HER TAG

TEAM PARTNER.

>> IT'S... I FEEL LIKE THAT'SJUST SHORTHAND FOR THE ENTIRE

INTERNET.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> LIKE THAT'S JUST EVERYINTERNET COMMENT.

"I DIDN'T LIKE THE BATMANTRAILER."

BOO!

>> HARDWICK: BOO!

>> YOU CAN JUST CUT AND PASTETHAT ANYWHERE.

>> HARDWICK: OR SHE'S A GHOST!

>> EXACTLY.

(LAUGHTER)>> RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE PLAYING WITHA GHOST! OOH!

ALL THE GHOST HIPSTER KIDS ARE,UH, TWEETING OUT THEIR HAUNTINGS

NOW.

LIKE, THEY'RE NOT EVEN...

THEY DON'T WANT TO FUCKINGLEAVE THEIR...

>> THIS IS A GOOD BOOKINGSTRATEGY.

YOU HAVE TWO GUYS FROM, LIKE,REALLY CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED TV

SHOWS, AND THEN, A DUDE WITH APODCAST.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> MM-HMM.

>> IT'S PERFECT.

>> SO...

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: AND THE DUDE WITHTHE PODCAST IS DRESSED LIKE A

DUDE WITH A PODCAST.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> YOU GUYS MIGHT BE ON PRESTIGECABLE, BUT I TALK ABOUT MY DICK

AND "GAME OF THRONES" FOR ANHOUR EVERY WEEK.

(LAUGHTER)>> THERE YOU GO.

>> BET YOU GUYS FEEL SILLY.

>> I DO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SSTART THE PROGRAM.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)A VIRGINIA WOMAN WHO IMPREGNATED

HERSELF WITH A TURKEY BASTERFULL OF HER FRIEND'S SEMEN LOST

SOUL CUSTODY WHEN THE COURTRULED THAT HER FRIEND WAS

TECHNICALLY THE FATHER.

UH, ARE WE SURE THIS ISN'TFLORIDA?

UM... WE'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE?

ALL RIGHT, JACK SAYS IT'S NOTFLORIDA.

WOW. WELL, THE WOMAN, OR THEBASTEE, UH, THOUGHT SHE... THAT

USING THE TURKEY BASTER WOULDREMOVE ANY CLAIM OF FATHERHOOD

FROM HER BFF, BUT THE BFF SUED.

SOME BFF!

I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THEMECHANICS OF THIS.

DID HE, LIKE...?

DID... WAS SHE, LIKE, "TAKE THISTURKEY BASTER."

AND HE WAS, LIKE, "I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

AND THEN, CAME BACK AND WAS,LIKE, "IT'S ALL YOURS.

SEE YA."?

I DON'T KNOW...

>> THINK IT MIGHT BE JUST REALLYGOOD AIM.

>> HARDWICK: REALLY GOOD AIM.

>> CATCHES IT.

>> WELL, TO KEEP...

>> HARDWICK: OR DID SHE JUST...?

DID SHE JUST...?

DID SHE JUST, LIKE, PUT THETURKEY IN FRONT OF HER AND THEN,

LIKE, JUST SHOOT IT THROUGH THETURKEY, AND...?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> I THINK, TO, UH, KEEP WITH

THE THANKSGIVING THEME, SHE HADHIM FILL UP A GRAVY BOAT FIRST.

SHE JUST SUCKS IT OUT OF THERE.

>> WAY HOLDING OUT TO...

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THE COURT...

>> THAT WAS GIBLETS.

>> OH, COME ON.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR SEMENIS.

>> HARDWICK: JORDAN, YOU ARE AMASTER BASTER.

(LAUGHTER)THE COURT SAID THE BASTER WAS

NOT CONSIDERED MEDICALTECHNOLOGY, BUT RATHER TURKEY

TECHNOLOGY.

UH, I HOPE SHE WASHED IT WHEN ITWAS ALL SAID IT DONE.

BUT AT LEAST SHE WASN'T AS DRYAS THAT TURKEY.

IT WAS NOT A GOOD TURKEY.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)UH, COMEDIANS...

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHER

WAYS TO RUIN THANKSGIVING?

RANDALL.

>> UH, HOW ABOUT RECEIVING YETANOTHER DEATH THREAT FROM KIM

JONG-UN?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

THAT WOULD NOT...

THAT WOULD NOT BE AGOOD... THANKSGIVING.

>> A GOOD WAY.

YEAH, TO RUIN THANKSGIVING.

>> HARDWICK: JORDAN.

>> UH, I WOULD RUIN THANKSGIVINGBY PERFORMING THE HORNICOPIA.

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

>> THAT'S WHERE YOU DOGRAVY-FUELED SEX ACTS INTO A

HORN OF PLENTY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOOD. POINTS.

YEAH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NOW, WE ALL HAVE THOSE DAYS WHEN

WE WANT TO JUST LEAVE IT ALLBEHIND, PUT ON A SPOTTED DOG

COSTUME AND SULK AROUND THE BARNTO BAHA MENS' "WHO LET THE DOGS

OUT?"THIS GOAT KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

>> ♪ WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOFWHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOF. ♪(LAUGHTER)

THIS GOAT'S NAME IS PEPPA LASS,AND SHE'S BECOMING AN INTERNET

SENSATION.

UH, SOMEONE JUST SNORTED IN THEFRONT ROW.

(LAUGHTER)I HEARD THE SNORT.

IS THAT THE SECOND ROW?

THAT WAS HER.

THIS IS SNORT-WORTHY MATERIAL--A GOAT IN A FUCKING DOG COSTUME?

IT TAKES A SPECIAL GOAT, BY THEWAY, TO MAKE THE BAJA MEN

RELEVANT IN 2015. THIS IS...

(LAUGHTER)THIS GOAT IS BRIDGING

GENERATIONS.

>> SOMEWHERE, SMASHMOUTH IS,LIKE, "CAN WE GET A GOAT?

CAN WE GET A GOAT?">> HARDWICK: WE NEED A FUCKING

GOAT OR A LLAMA, WE NEED ALLAMA...

WE'LL PUT IT IN A SUIT AND TIEIN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE--

PRESIDENT LABAMA.

WE CAN DO THIS!

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, SHIT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT,COMEDIANS, AS THIS GOAT, PLEASE

TELL US HOW GOING VIRAL HASCHANGED YOUR LIFE. SAM.

>> WELL, I'M GETTING SACRIFICEDTO A MUCH HIGHER QUALITY OF GOD

NOW.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)JORDAN.

>> MY WIDDLE GOAT BEARD SMELLSLIKE PUSSY 24/7.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THAT IS... ONE OF

THE MOST DISTURBING THINGS I'VEEVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

>> CWIS, YOU DON'T WIKE MY GOATVOICE?

>> HARDWICK: NO!

YOU ALREADY HAVE, LIKE, ACABBAGE PATCH BABY'S FACE.

LIKE, YOU SAYING THAT...

IS JUST WEIRD.

(BLEATING)>> I WUV PUSSY, CWIS.

>> HARDWICK: STOP IT!

STOP IT!

I'M GONNA TAKE AWAY POINTS FORTHE FIRST TIME EVER IF YOU DON'T

STOP IT.

>> NO, I NEED THEM.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

MOVING ON. RESIDENTS OF MADISON,TENNESSEE, ARE UPSET OVER A

DEVELOPER'S SEXY PLAN FOR ANABANDONED BUILDING. WATCH THIS.

>> FOR MONTHS, THIS VACANTBUILDING HAS BEEN THE SUBJECT OF

CONTROVERSY AFTER MEMBERS OF THECOMMUNITY FOUND OUT WHAT THE

NEW OWNERS PLANNED TO OPEN HERE:A SWINGERS CLUB.

>> WE DON'T WANT THIS DARKNESSTO DAMAGE THE BEACON OF LIGHT

THAT'S BEEN HERE FOR YEARS ANDYEARS AND YEARS.

>> HARDWICK (SOUTHERN ACCENT):NOW, WHEN I CHEAT ON MY WIFE, I

DON'T LIKE HER TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

(LAUGHTER)AFTER INTENSE OPPOSITION, THE

DEVELOPERS ABANDONED PLANS FORTHE SWINGERS CLUB, AND NOW DID A

180 AND IT'S GONNA BE A CHURCH.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE METHE NAME FOR THE CHURCH THAT WAS

NEARLY A SWINGERS CLUB. RANDALL.

>> REPENTHOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

OH, SO GOOD!

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)PERFECT. THAT IS THE END OF

RAPID REFRESH.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)(BRITISH ACCENT): FRIENDS,

ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN...

NIELSENS... LEND ME YOUR EARS.

I COME TO CELEBRATE "TALK LIKESHAKESPEARE" DAY.

I AM NOT GOOD AT THIS. UH...

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET

MILLENNIALS TO GIVE A SHITEABOUT SHAKESPEARE, IS TO MAKE A

BARD BADASS, SO TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS XTREMESHAKESPEARE!

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: ROMEO VERSUSPREDATOR, OR TWELFTH NIGHT AT

THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS,AND... THE MERRY MILFS OF

WINDSOR.

(LAUGHTER)LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

JORDAN MORRIS.

>> MICHAEL BAY'S MACBETH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> UH, TO BE TOO FAST OR NOT TOBE TOO FURIOUS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS,RANDALL.

RICHARD.

>> THE MERCHANT OF VENICE...

BEACH.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

JORDAN MORRIS.

>> THE VAPING OF THE SHREW.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS. SAM.

>> OTHELL-NO!

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. RANDALL.

>> PERICLES' NUTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

JORDAN.

>> UH, ROMEO AND JULIET AND THEKINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SAM.

>> HENRY IX: THIS TIME IT'SPERSONAL.

>> HARDWICK: YES, PERFECT!

THAT IS THE END OF THE HASHTAGWARS.

SEND US YOUR HASHTAGXTREMESHAKESPEARE AND TAG THOSE

@MIDNIGHT TO KEEP THE GAMEGOING.

(BRITISH ACCENT): WE SHALLRETURN ANON WITH @MIDNIGHT.

(CHEERING)CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR TWEET OF

THE DAY FROM YESTERDAY'S HASHTAGWAR.

WELL PLAYED.

♪ (CHEERING, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: WELCOME BACK TO@MIDNIGHT.

I AM HEADING ACROSS THE COUNTRYON THE FUNCOMFORTABLE STANDUP

TOUR, AND I WILL BE IN COLUMBUS,OHIO, AND ATLANTA THIS WEEKEND,

AND THEN BOSTON AND NEW YORKNEXT WEEKEND.

TICKETS ARE STILL AVAILABLE FORTHE LATE SHOWS.

GO TO FUNCOMFORTABLETOUR.COM.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYSMEARED CAMPAIGNS.

SMEARED CAMPAIGNS.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)(LIKE PRESIDENT KENNEDY): MY,

UH, FELLOW COMEDIANS, AS YOUR@MIDNIGHT HOST I PROMISE TO SHOW

YOU SOME OF THE MOST WHACKADOOPOLITICAL CANDIDATES ON THE

YOUTUBES.

UH, ALL I'M ASKING FOR YOU IS,GUESS WHAT THE CRAZY THING

HAPPENS IN THE CAMPAIGN AD.

TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS FORAMERICA AND FOR POINTS!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)I COULD SO BE A POLITICIAN.

LIKE, IF YOU JUST SOUND LIKEYOU'RE... IF YOU JUST GET LOUDER

ON YOUR LAST WORD, YOU CAN MAKEPEOPLE APPLAUD! SEE?

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> YOU GOT MY VOTE, MAN.

>> (LIKE KENNEDY): THAT'S WHY WEHAVE TO SEND ALL THE WHITE

PEOPLE TO ANTARCTICA.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

>> ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE CLAP.

>> HARDWICK: ALL THE NON-WHITEPEOPLE CLAPPED, THAT ONE ANYWAY.

>> SAM AND I ARE, LIKE...

>> YEAH, MAN!

ABOUT TIME!

>> HARDWICK: FIRST ONE-- WANNABEIOWA SENATOR AND GUNS RIGHTSER,

UH, BOB QUAST-- DOES HE COMPAREFIRING A GUN TO...

JORDAN.

>> UH, I WAS THIS MAN'S CAMPAIGNMANAGER, AND I SAID THAT WE RUN

ON A PLATFORM OF SHOOTINGSOCIOPATHS.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IF YOU ARE THE SEXUALPREDATOR AND SOCIOPATH WHO

MURDERED MY SISTER LYNNETTEAND YOU COME TO MY FRONT DOOR TO

DO HARM TO MY GIRLS, I'M GONNAUSE MY GLOCK... TO BLOW YOUR

BALLS OFF.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

THERE'S NO GRAY AREA.

I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY... IT EVENSAYS IN THE TITLE-- "I'LL BLOW

YOUR BALLS OFF."

(LAUGHTER)>> WHO WAS, LIKE, WATCHING THAT

THING AND LIKE, "THEN WHAT? OH."

(LAUGHTER)>> LIKE, CAN WE GET THE GUY WHO

DOES THE MUSIC FOR TELETUBBIESTO SCORE THIS?

WHILE I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSISTER'S GRISLY MURDER, I WANT A

LITTLE FISHER-PRICE TINKLY PIANOMUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL BLOW YOURBALLS OFF.

(LAUGHTER)THEN YOU AND I WILL EAT THEM

TOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> STEP ON THEM.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THIS ISSCHOOL BOARD CANDIDATE

CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT.

HOW DID HE ATTEMPT TO WIN OVERTHE PARENTS OF ROCKINGHAM

COUNTY?

YES, RANDALL.

>> UH, I HAVE A FEELING IT'S BYAWKWARDLY RELEASING HIS INNER

JEDI.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO CREATEA BRIGHT AND SHINY FUTURE FOR

THE CHILDREN OF ROCKINGHAMCOUNTY.

>> HARDWICK: BUT REMEMBER, IFYOU'RE THE SITH WHO KILLED

LYNNETTE, I'LL LIGHTSABER YOURBALLS OFF.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HE'S NOT DRESSED FOR THE

DESERT, THAT'S FOR SURE.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S GOT, LIKE, A HALF HOUR TO

LIVE, MAYBE 45...

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE.

THIS IS A CANDIDATE FOR THETEXAS RAILROAD COMMISSION, WITH

THE BADASS NAME: ROLAND SLEDGE.

UH, DOES HIS AD SHOW...

JORDAN.

>> SHOW ME THOSE SWINE HOGTITTIES, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: YOU'VE SAID THAT TOME SO MANY TIMES IN OUR

FRIENDSHIP.

>> I THINK MY GUESS IS ACTUALLYTHE ELECTROCUTED ONE, I JUST

WANTED TO YELL "SHOW ME THOSESWINE HOG TITTIES".

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SEE.

>> ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME WEELECTED POLITICAL LEADERS THAT

HAVE SENSE ENOUGH NOT TO PEE ONELECTRIC FENCES?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S ABOUTTIME THAT POLITICIANS STOP DOING

THAT.

REALLY COMMON ACTIVITY.

>> GREAT ELECTROCUTION ACTINGFROM THAT GUY.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> THAT WAS THE BEST.

>> THAT'S, UH...

>> HARDWICK: IF YOU TURN AROUND,THIS IS ACTUALLY THE SAME KID

FROM THE OPENING VIDEO IN THECAR, LIKE, HE'S JUST, UH...

>> HE JUST DOES... HE DOES EVERYREPUBLICAN VIDEO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH,EVERY...

>> I NEED YOU TO BE A DIRTYHIPSTER, A GUY PISSING ON A

FENCE, AND THE BACK HALF OF AHORSE.

>> I'LL DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: I WANT TO PIN MYENTIRE CAMPAIGN ON PISSING ON

FENCES.

>> GREAT IDEA, SIR.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LAST ONE.

THIS PATTON OSWALT CHARACTER ISNAMED JEFF BARTH.

IN CAMPAIGNING FOR CONGRESS HEDECIDED TO TAKE VOTERS ON A

LITTLE BACKWOODS WALK AND TALK.

HERE'S A TASTE.

>> WE LIVED AROUND THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, EMBASSIES, CONSULATES,THAT KIND OF THING.

ALONG THE WAY I LEARNED CHESS INICELAND.

I WORKED FOR 31 YEARS INTELECOMMUNICATIONS, CLIMBING

POLES AND DIGGING HOLES.

>> HARDWICK: SOMEBODY NEEDS TOCLEAN UP THAT TRAIL-- IT'S

LITTERED WITH GARBAGE.

IS THAT PART OF HIS CAMPAIGN--CLEAN UP THE FOREST?

>> I WILL GET THE GLOBES OUT OFOUR FORESTS.

>> HARDWICK: I'M JEFF BARTH.

I SUPPORT THE USE OF PROPS.

VOTE YES ON PROP PROPS.

>> THEY CALL ME THE CARROT TOPOF POLITICS.

>> HARDWICK: SO ON THE NEXTPORTION OF HIS TOUR DOES HE FIRE

AN ASSAULT RIFLE AT AN INANIMATECHICKEN OR SPIT TOBACCO ON A

STUFFED TABBY NAMED WASHINGTONFAT CAT?

(BELL DINGS)YES.

>> UH, SPIT TOBACCO ON A STUFFEDTABBY NAMED WASHINGTON FAT CAT.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S SEE.

>> FOR SIX YEARS I SERVED IN THEU.S. MILITARY WITH ONE OF THESE.

(SQUAWK)>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW...

I THINK THE MOST AMAZING THINGABOUT THAT SHOT IS HE HIT THE

CHICKEN AND THEN IT MANAGED TOBOOMERANG AROUND.

>> AND IT COMPLETELYDEFEATHERED THE CHICKEN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, COMPLETELYDEFEATHERED IT AND TURNED IT

RUBBER.

>> YEAH, IT DID.

>> YOU CALL THAT A TRICK SHOT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS A TRICKSHOT.

>> VOTE FOR ME AND I WILL DEFYTHE LAWS OF PHYSICS.

>> YEAH, I PROMISE.

I WILL SHOOT FORWARD INTO OPENSPACE.

>> REALITY WILL HAVE NO MEANING.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW, IF OBAMAAND THOSE POLITICOS IN-IN

WASHINGTON AND THEIR PHYSICSWANT TO...

THAT'S THE END OF SMEAREDCAMPAIGNS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,FANTASTIC SLAMS.

FANTASTIC SLAMS.

GOT TO BE THE HAIR.

NO? IS THAT NOT STILL ACAMPAIGN?

I THOUGHT IT WAS.

>> YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE A GUYWHO WOULD SAY THAT IN A

COMMERCIAL.

>> HARDWICK: I DO, I REALLY DO.

>> WE NEED A CHRIS HARDWICKTYPE WHO'S...

>> IT'S GOT TO BE THE HAIR.

>> ...A LITTLE MESSY, BUT BEFUN.

>> HARDWICK: LITTLE MESSY, LOOKSLIKE A DOUCHE BAG, UH...

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNASHOW YOU A PICTURE OF A TRULY

UNFORTUNATE HAIRCUT AND FOR 250POINTS I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE

NAME OF THE STYLE, ALL RIGHT?

THIS UNFORTUNATE YOUNG, UM, UH,LAD OR... LAD OR LASS.

(BELL DINGS)WHAT IS THAT, UH, CALLED,

JORDAN?

>> UH, THAT IS THE UNWANTEDMASSAGE-GIVER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SAM.

>> CALL IT THE BAT-CHOPS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> UH, THE DRAPES DO MATCH THECARPET.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE.

>> JUST TO BE CLEAR, MY PUBICHAIR IS VERY WEIRD.

>> YEAH, THAT'S...

>> THAT IS WHAT I WAS INFERRING.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S JUST THE SAMEEXACT CONFIGURATION.

>> AND HIS PENIS ALSO LOOKSSUPER MOPEY LIKE THAT.

>> HAS NOSTRILS.

>> LET'S GO TO A MORRISSEYCONCERT.

>> HARDWICK: JORDAN, STOPFLARING YOUR DICK NOSTRILS.

NEXT ONE-- HOW ABOUT THIS...

THIS.

(BELL DINGS)YES, SAM.

>> THAT'S A FAT WOLVERINE.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW... IDON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO...

POINTS.

UH, RANDALL.

>> THE PRODIGY SINGER TODAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I'M A FIRESTARTER.

>> SMACK MY BITCH TITS.

>> RANDALL, THAT-THAT IS THEBEST PRODIGY JERK JOKE I'VE

HEARD ALL WEEK.

>> AND YOU'VE HEARD PLENTY, I'MSURE.

>> YOU'RE INUNDATED WITH 'EM.

>> YEAH, I MEAN...

>> HARDWICK: JORDAN.

>> UH, THE SMALL TUFTS OF HAIRATOP A GARBAGE BAG FILLED WITH

MEATBALLS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

POINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE-- HOW ABOUT THISCOMB-FORWARD?

(BELL DINGS)WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT... IS THAT LIKE A DOORKNOCKER ON SOMEONE'S... HEAD?

JORDAN.

>> THAT IS THE STICK YOUR DICKIN MY HAIR HOLE.

>> HARDWICK: STOP DOING THATVOICE.

>> WHAT... THIS IS A DIFFERENTVOICE, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: I... IT IS EQUALLYAS UPSETTING AS THE PREVIOUS

ONE.

>> THIS IS A GUY WHO WANTS YOUTO FUCK HIS HAIR HOLE.

>> HARDWICK: STOP IT, I DON'T...

YOU STOP YOUR HAIR-FUCKING BABYVOICE.

>> I'M GETTING TURNED ON.

YES.

DON'T LOOK BELOW... BEHIND THISTHING.

>> HARDWICK: SAM.

>> CALL THAT THE, UH, YOU'LL BESORRY-- YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY.

WITH A CURL.

>> HARDWICK: NICE, POINTS.

UH, RANDALL.

>> THAT IS THE MICHAEL DOUGLASAFTER GETTING LICKED BY A

GIRAFFE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, THAT IS 100%WHAT THAT IS.

>> MICHAEL DOUGLAS, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: REALLY DOES.

POINTS.

UH, NEXT ONE-- THIS KIM SCALP.

(BELL DINGS)OH, THAT'S THE BACK OF SOMEONE'S

HEAD.

UH, RANDALL.

>> THE FIRST TO DIE IN THEAPOCALYPSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THAT POOR GUY'S GOT TO KEEPSWATTING RAPPER DICKS AWAY FROM

THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.

>> STOP, STOP.

>> HARDWICK: STOP IT!

IT'S JUST A HAIRCUT.

>> THAT BETTER NOT BE A DICK ONMY HEAD.

THAT'S A DICK ON MY HEAD, I'MGONNA BE VERY ANGRY.

OH, IT'S A DICK, AND IT'S WORSE.

>> JUST GUYS... IT'S JUST GUYSYELLING AT HIM, "LET ME SEE YOUR

HAIR ASS."

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T... WHATDOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

SAM.

>> THEY CALL THAT THE CASUALFAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

JORDAN.

>> UH, THAT'S CALLED YEEZY ONTHE EYES.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WELL PLAYED.

WELL PLAYED.

UH, POINTS.

LAST ONE-- HOW ABOUT THISEYEGLASS MODEL?

HOW ABOUT THIS EYEGLASS MODEL?

(BELL DINGS)JORDAN.

>> THE DR. SUESS RECEPTIONIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> UH, THE PICK A TUFT AND FUCKIT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

UH, SAM.

>> UH, THE I CLEARLY WRITELETTERS TO SERIAL KILLERS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

PERFECT.

PERFECT PLACE TO END FANTASTICSLAMS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR LIVECHALLENGE, MAD LIL' DADS.

MAD LIL' DADS.

THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR NEWFAVORITE RABBIT HOLE TO GO DOWN

WHEN YOU LEAVE HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK THIS UP.

UH, THIS IS, UH, BRILLIANT IMGURUSER FLORES FRYER STUMBLED UPON

THE HOBBY OF A LIFETIME-- TAKINGPEOPLE'S FAMILY PHOTOS AND

SHRINKING THE DADS BY HALF.

NOW, IT'S BETTER THAN WHAT YOUCAN PICTURE.

LOOK AT THIS LITTLE WINTER DADCREATURE.

OH, THAT'S THE BEST!

HE JUST TUCKS PERFECTLY AWAY INYOUR EQUIPMENT BAG.

UH, LOOK AT THIS-THIS LITTLE,ADORABLE LITTLE PATRIARCH.

LOOK AT THAT GUY, LOOK AT THATGUY!

>> OH, GOD.

>> HE'S GOING TO THE WORLD'SSMALLEST JIMMY BUFFETT CONCERT.

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS ALL FUN ANDGAMES FOR US UNSHRUNKEN FOLKS,

BUT, YOU KNOW, THESE BITE-SIZEDBABY DADDIES ARE NONE TOO

PLEASED.

SO AS THIS TINY DAD, STAND UPFOR YOURSELF ONCE, GODDAMN IT!

WE'RE GONNA GET YOUR ANSWERSAFTER THE BREAK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE@MIDNIGHT.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: WELCOME BACK TO@MIDNIGHT.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUAN IMGUR USER'S PHOTOSHOP OF

TINY DADS IN FAMILY PHOTOS, ANDI ASKED YOU TO STAND UP FOR

YOURSELF AS THE TINY DADPICTURED HERE.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

SAM, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> GODDAMN IT, SHEILA.

I DON'T THINK IT'S TOO MUCH TOASK TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN

HOUSE AFTER WORKING ALL DAYMAKING COOKIES IN A GODDAMN

TREE!

>> HARDWICK: RANDALL.

>> YEAH, YEAH, KEEP THE SHORTJOKES COMING.

LAUGH IT UP, DENISE.

I USED YOUR SONICARE TOEXFOLIATE MY TAINT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

ANYWAY, UH, JORDAN.

>> CALL ME POCKET DAD ONE MORETIME AND SEE WHAT FUCKING

HAPPENS, HUNTER.

I WILL SHOVE THOSE EARBUDS SOFAR UP YOUR ASS, YOU WILL FART

IMAGINE DRAGONS!

JORDAN, I HAVE TO GIVE YOU 1,000POINTS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOUR

VOICE SHOULD SOUND LIKE.

UH, I'LL GIVE...

>> DO YOU WANT ME TO EAT YOURPUSSY, CHRIS?

>> HARDWICK: YOU STOP IT!

THERE WILL BE NO PUSSY-EATING!

YOU STOP IT!

>> I KNOW YOU'VE GOT A MALEPUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: STOP IT.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN PUSSY,JORDAN MORRIS!

>> SEE YOU AT THE CHRISTMASPARTY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEEYOU AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

UH, I'LL GIVE, UH, 500 POINTS TOSAM AND 250 TO RANDALL AS WE GO

TO OUR NEXT GAME, POLLSPOSITION.

POLLS POSITION.

THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONIS HEATING UP, AND SOON WE'LL BE

EXPOSED TO MORE AND MOREMILLIONAIRES IN CHANEL PANTSUITS

AND BROOKS BROTHERS TIESAWKWARDLY FUMBLING TO RELATE TO

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN.

AND IF PARIS HILTON HAS PROVEDANYTHING, THERE'S NO BETTER WAY

TO GAIN THE RESPECT ANDADMIRATION OF THE AMERICAN

PUBLIC THAN WITH A CATCHYSLOGAN, I.E. THAT'S HOT.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME AS MANY BAD CAMPAIGN

SLOGANS AS YOU CAN IN 60SECONDS.

GO.

(BELL DINGS)SAM.

>> TOGETHER WE CAN STOP AIDS...

RESEARCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JORDAN.

>> I WILL GREENLIGHT THREE MOREPAUL BLART MOVIES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JORDAN.

>> I WILL USE THE BLOOD TALISMANTO SUMMON THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GOAT

GOD DEMOTHENOS AND WE WILL ALLBE BORN AGAIN AND THROUGH A WOMB

OF PAIN!

>> HARDWICK: WAIT, WILL THISGOAT GOD BE WEARING A TINY DOG

COSTUME TO BAHA MEN?

>> MAYBE...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)SAM.

>> THE FACES ON MONEY WILL BECHANGED TO ONLY THE MOST

FUCKABLE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> IT'S TIME TO PUT A WHITE MANBACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: SOME PEOPLE SAYTHAT BUT NOT IRONICALLY!

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

>> YEAH. OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: TERRIFYING. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JORDAN.

>> I'LL MAKE "BAWITDABA" THENATIONAL ANTHEM!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

YOU'D FUCKING WIN ON THATPLATFORM IN THIS COUNTRY.

"HEY, PRESIDENT KID ROCK, WHATYOU GONNA DO ABOUT IRAN?"

>> "I'M GONNA SHOOT IT AND THENFUCK IT."

>> HARDWICK: JUST GOING TO CNNAND SEEING, "AMERICA SHOOTS AND

FUCKS IRAN IN..."

ALL RIGHT.

>> "ALL WHILE WEARINGWIFE-BEATER."

ALL RIGHT.

>> FINALLY, RESULTS.

>> HARDWICK: JUST... THE-THEIRANIAN PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT

ARE ALL THESE CANS OF FOUR LOKODOING ON THE..."

UH... THAT IS THE END OF POLLSPOSITION.

UH, I'M SO SORRY, RANDALL.

YOU ARE SLIGHTLY IN THIRD PLACE,AND WE HAVE TO ELIMINATE YOU.

I APOLOGIZE.

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALLRIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: DO YOU HAVE ANYFINAL WORDS BEFORE...

>> WELL, I...

>> HARDWICK: I GUESS ALL YOUHAVE TO DO IS... ALL YOU HAVE TO

FALL BACK ON ARE TWO HITTELEVISION SHOWS.

>> HEY, BUDDY, KEEP WITH IT.

MAYBE YOU'LL GET A PODCASTSOMEDAY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: DO YOU HAVE ANYLAST WORDS?

>> I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKYOU FOR HAVING ME.

YOU KNOW, LOSING ALWAYS SUCKS,BUT LOSING TO THESE GUYS SUCKS

EVEN WORSE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. RED LIGHT!

ALL RIGHT.

THAT MEANS IT'S TIME TO SERVICEYOUR INDUSTRY-- IT'S FOR THE

WIN.

SNAZZY GRAPHIC.

NOW IT SORT OF TILTS INSOMETHING THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES

A BROWSER.

NOW, IF YOU LOVE THE MENU ANDTHE AMBIANCE AT HOOTERS BUT FIND

THE WHOLE AFFAIR TO BE A LITTLEGAZONGA-CENTRIC, UH, THEN WHY

NOT HEAD TO DALLAS FOR A MEAL ATTALLYWACKERS?

FINALLY, A FAST CASUAL EATERYWHERE YOU CAN SCARF WINGS

SURROUNDED BY JACKED DUDES WITHBIG OL' SCHLONGS!

YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE UPSET BYTHIS, BY THE WAY.

UH, IF YOU ARE SUCH A DUDE ANDYOU'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB,

THEY'RE HIRING VIA CRAIGSLIST.

SO, COMEDIANS, IF YOU WANT THEJOB, CONVINCE ME THAT YOU ARE

TALLYWACKERS MATERIAL.

WE'LL HAVE OUR COMEDIANS'ANSWERS AND NAME A WINNER WHEN

WE COME BACK ON @MIDNIGHT.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: WELCOME BACK TO@MIDNIGHT.

IT'S TIME FOR FOR THE WIN.

I'M GONNA WIPE YOUR SCORESCLEAN.

WIPE, WIPE, WIPE, WIPE,WIPE, WIPE, WIPE, WIPE.

YOU, THE AUDIENCE, HAVE A VERYIMPORTANT JOB BECAUSE YOU WILL

DECIDE WHO WILL BE THE WINNER.

YOU'RE ALSO PLAYING FOR YOUR TAGTEAM PARTNER AT HOME.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU ACRAIGSLIST POST LOOKING FOR

HUNKY DUDES FOR A RESTAURANTCALLED TALLYWACKERS.

APPLY IN PERSON TODAY AND BRINGYOUR DICK.

UH, AND THEN I ASKED YOU GUYS TOCONVINCE ME THAT YOU'RE THE

RIGHT HUNK FOR THE JOB.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

FIRST ONE...

I THINK I'D BE A GREAT FIT FORTALLYWACKERS BECAUSE I'VE PUT MY

DICK IN A HOT DOG BUN BEFOREAND, SPOILER ALERT, HE FITS.

OR...

I'M JACKED, SHAVED, AND DON'TMIND FLOPPING ONE BALL OUT OF MY

SHORTS IF IT MEANS A BIG TIP.

I'LL ALSO SHOW CUSTOMERS MY BIGTIP.

ALSO, MY NICKNAME IS "POCKETDAD," WHICH IS A CALLBACK.

YOU LIKE CALLBACKS, RIGHT?

CLAP FOR CALLBACKS!

NUMBER TWO IS THE WINNER!

WHO'S NUMBER TWO?

JORDAN MORRIS, YOU HAVE WON THEINTERNET!

YOU HAVE DEFEATED TELEVISIONWITH YOUR PODCASTING PROWESS!

YOU AND @BLAMEHOCKEY52.

WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS MONDAY NIGHT.

OUR GUESTS WILL BE...

YOU CAN KICK THE SHIT OUT OFHIM, SAM.

OUR GUESTS MONDAY NIGHT WILL BEEDDIE IZZARD, KEVIN POLLACK, AND

TOM RHODES.

UNTIL THEN, KEEP THE GAME GOINGON TWITTER BY TWEETING @MIDNIGHT

WITH YOUR HASHTAG,#EXTREMESHAKESPEARE, TO BECOME

MONDAY'S TWEET OF THE DAY.

I'M @NERDIST ON THE TWEETS ANDTHE INSTAGRAMS.

I'LL SEE YOU OVER THE WEEKEND.

GOOD NIGHT!

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