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Mandela Boot Camp & The Time Haters

Dave reveals sketches too hot for TV: Nelson Mandela's boot camp for teens and a world where everyone is gay. (17:46)

- AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUNIGGRAS DOIN' OUT HERE?

- WE ARE THE TIME HATERS.

WE TRAVELED ALL THE WAYBACK THROUGH TIME...

TO CALL YOU A CRACKER.

- YOU BETTERWATCH YOUR MOUTH.

- ACTUALLY, YOU BETTERWATCH YOUR MOUTH, WHITE BOY,

BEFORE I PUT THESE GATORSUP YOUR ASS

AND SHOW YOUR INSIDESSOME STYLE.

- THAT'S ENOUGH!

- I CAN'T BE NO SLAVE, SILKY.

- OH, GOOD GOD.

- LOOK, SILKY,HE DONE PULLED OUT A WHIP.

- NICE WHIP.

THIS HERE IS A PISTOL.

REACH FOR THE SKY, HONKY.

- HONKY?HONKY?

- HONKY IS A RACIAL EPITHETUSED FOR WHITE PEOPLE.

WAS MADE POPULAR BYA MAN NAMED GEORGE JEFFERSON

IN THE 1970s.

YOU SEE,HE AND HIS WIFE, WEEZY,

HAD A DRY CLEANING BUSINESS,

SO THEY MOVED ON UPTO THE EAST SIDE,

TO A DELUXE APARTMENTIN THE SKY.

THEY FINALLY GOTA PIECE OF THE PIE.

CONVOLUTED STORY, I'LL ADMIT,

BUT THE POINT IS THIS:

THAT IN THE FUTURE,ALL BLACK PEOPLE WILL BE FREE.

- IN A SECOND, ALL RIGHT,

THIS IS WHAT STOPPEDTHE WHOLE SHOW.

THIS STOPPED--I MEAN, LITERALLY,

THE WHOLE EPISODE CAMETO A SCREECHING HALT RIGHT HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,I CAN PREDICT THIS EPISODE

COMING TO A SCREECHING HALTRIGHT NOW.

BUT I'LL SHOW IT.

- WHEN'S WE GONNA BE FREE?

- THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION,MY MAN.

HOW ABOUT NOW-ISH?

[gunshot]- [grunts]

[gunshot]- [grunts]

[gunshot]- [grunts]

[gunshot]- [grunts]

- APPARENTLY,SHOOTING A SLAVE MASTER

ISN'T FUNNY TO ANYBODYBUT ME AND NEAL.

IF I COULD,I'D DO IT EVERY EPISODE.

SO THAT WAS THAT ONE.

THE CHAPPELLE SHOW EVER HADTHAT NOBODY EVER SAW.

IT WAS AVERY GOOD CAMEO.

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW 'EMTHE BEGINNING.

[applause]

- WELCOME BACK.

TODAY, OF COURSE,WE ARE DEALING WITH KIDS

WHO ARE B-A-D, BAD.

DO YOU SEE, SALLY?

THIS IS WHATI HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

RONALD IS JUST OUT OF CONTROL.SO TRIFLING.

- AW, MA, SHUT UP.

[farts]

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIMETO STRAIGHTEN YOU UP.

GUESS WHERE YOU ARE GOING.

- "BOOT CAMP."

- YEAH, BOOT CAMP.THAT'S RIGHT.

WITH THE HARDESTC.O. YOU HAVE EVER MET.

- THIS IS WHERE THE SKETCHGOES COMPLETELY WRONG.

- THAT'S RIGHT,NELSON MANDELA.

[whistle blowing]

- ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN,SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

ALL OF YOU KIDS DISGUST ME.

- NOTICE HOW SHITTY THE WIG IS.

NOT ONLY DO I NOT LOOKANYTHING LIKE NELSON MANDELA,

BUT THE SKETCH JUST GETSPROGRESSIVELY CRAZIER.

MANDELA PROCEEDS TO JUSTBEAT THE HELL OUT OF THESE KIDS

FOR THE NEXT, LIKE, EIGHTTO NINE MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S JUST BERATING'EM AND BEATING 'EM.

HERE, JUST SHOW THEM SOMEOF THE BEAT-DOWNS.

- THIS IS THE FULL NELSON.BITCH, IT'S A PUN.

YOU.CRY "FREEDOM."

CRY "THE BELOVED COUNTRY."

IF I WANTED TO BE MEAN,

I WOULD TELL THIS KIDHOW FAT HE IS, HUH?

I WOULD TELL HIM THAT I WOULDSQUEEZE HIS BREASTS TOGETHER

AND MAKE LOVE TO HIS BOSOM,IF I WANTED TO.

PRETTY BAD, HUH?

WELL, IT GETSWEIRDER THAN THAT.

DO YOU THINK MANDELADOESN'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

DO YOU THINKMANDELA DOESN'T KNOW

WHAT'S POPPINGON THE STREETS?

all: ♪ IN THE JUNGLETHE MIGHTY JUNGLE ♪

- YO, I'M NOT SURE,

BUT I THINK MR. MANDELASMOKED MY DRUGS.

all: ♪ A-WHEE

♪ WHEE-O-WHEE-OWHEE-O-WUMBAWE ♪

♪ A-WHEE

♪ WHEE-O-WHEE-OWHEE-O-WUMBAWE ♪

[cheers and applause]

TO ONE OF OUR SKILLEDFIELD TECHNICIANS.

- HEY, HEY, HEY.

CAN I HOLLER?CAN I HOLLER AT YOU?

CAN I HOLLER AT YOU?

CAN I HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER,HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER,HOLLER, HOLLER AT YOU?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YA?

- THAT DUDEIS HILARIOUS TO US.

HIS NAME'S ANTHONY BARRY,

AND, I MEAN,EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS FUNNY.

AND IN THE COURSEOF SHOOTING THIS SKETCH,

WE FIGURED OUTHE COULD DO THIS.

SO WE WERE LIKE,"JUST DO THAT."

AND WE JUST FILMEDHIM DOING IT.

THIS IS WHAT HE DID THAT HAD USCRACKING UP IN EDITING.

- HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER,HOLLER, HOLLER...

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER,HOLLER, HOLLER...

LET ME HOLLER AT YOU.LET ME HOLLER AT YOU.

LET ME HOLLER AT YOU, LET MEHOLLER AT YOU.

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER,HOLLER, HOLLER...

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER,HOLLER, HOLLER...

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...

[laughs]

I'M HOLLERIN' AT YOU, BITCH.DON'T YOU HEAR ME?

BITCH, LET ME HOLLER.

HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...HOLLER, HOLLER, HOLLER...

FOR ALL-GAY STUDENTS,

AND WE WERE LIKE, OKAY,AMERICA'S FREAKING OUT NOW,

LIKE, ABOUT THE GAY THING, LIKE,

SO WE THOUGHTWHAT IF IT WAS, LIKE,

SO SEGREGATED THAT THEREBECAME TWO AMERICAS:

IT WAS A GAY AMERICAAND A STRAIGHT AMERICA.

AND THAT WAS THE PREMISEOF THE SKETCH.

- CITIES LIKE SAN FRANCISCO

EVEN OFFER SPECIALMUNICIPAL SERVICES,

LIKE THIS GAY DEPARTMENTOF MOTOR VEHICLES.

- HONEY, WITH THOSE CHEEKBONES,YOU'RE A NATURAL!

NOW, JUST STAND THERE.THAT'S RIGHT.

PUT YOUR HEAD BACKA LITTLE BIT.

LET'S GET THATGREAT BIG SMILE.

LET'S SEE THOSEPEARLY WHITES.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

[camera shutter clicking]

- CONGRATULATIONS.YOUR LICENSE PLATE IS SO READY.

- [chuckles]

IT WAS FUNNY.

I MEAN, WE WERE JUSTMESSING AROUND.

YOU KNOW,JUST HAVING FUN.

RIGHT.

BUT IT GETS WORSE, LIKE,WE KEEP GOING ON LIKE THIS.

OKAY, SO THERE'S A GAY DMV,

WHAT ELSE CAN WE JUST MAKE,LIKE, A GAY VERSION OF?

AND THEN WE JUST WENT TO TOWN

WITH, LIKE,THE GAY VERSIONS OF THINGS.

FOR INSTANCE...

- EVERY ASPECTOF AMERICAN LIFE

IS BEING AFFECTEDBY THE CULTURE.

THERE ARE GAY BUTCHERS.

GAY LANDSCAPERS.

- ♪ ASS, TITTIES,ASS AND TITTIES ♪

♪ ASS, ASS,TITTIES, TITTIES ♪

- [chuckles]

JUST FOR FUN,CAN WE SEE THAT GUY AGAIN?

THAT SHIT WAS VERY FUNNY TO ME.

- ♪ ASS, TITTIES,ASS AND TITTIES ♪

♪ ASS ASS,TITTIES, TITTIES-- ♪

- HERE'S WHERE WE STARTSPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT ONEWAS OFFENSIVE,

NOT ONLY TO GAY PEOPLEBUT BLACK PEOPLE.

AND IF YOU'REA GAY BLACK PERSON

THEN YOU'LL GET DOUBLY MAD,

BUT IT WAS ALLIN THE SPIRIT OF FUN.

I THOUGHT--I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY.

ALL RIGHT,GO AHEAD AND SHOW THE CLIP.

- HERE IN HUNTSFIELD, ALABAMA,AMAZINGLY,

THEY HAVE STARTED A GAY CHAPTEROF THE KLU KLUX KLAN.

- OH, IT'S HOTLIKE THE DICKENS.

AS I WAS SAYING AT BRUNCH,

AND WE HATE, TOO, OKAY?

BUT WE DO IT A SPECIAL WAY.WE DO IT WITH COMPASSION.

GOOD MORNING,I'M WITH THE K.K.K.

WE HAD A MEETINGAND WE WERE TALKING

AND WE'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE

IF YOU GUYSLEFT THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

HAVE YOU CONSIDEREDGOING BACK TO AFRICA?

- ALL RIGHT.

NOW, THIS NEXT PIECEWAS THE PIECE THAT STARTED

THE WHOLE SHE-BANG-A-BANG.

THIS WAS THE FIRSTPREMISE THAT LED

TO THIS GAY AMERICA SKETCH.

THIS ACTUALLYWAS CHARLIE MURPHY'S IDEA.

HE CALLED AND WAS LIKE"I GOT THIS FUNNY IDEA

FOR A SKETCH, MAN."

AND HE TOLD ME, HE TOLD NEAL,AND WE JUST RAN WITH IT.

- THIS IS THE MOSTSPLENDIFEROUS,

SPECUTACIOUS MONUMENTAL EVENTIN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

PROFESSIONAL BOXINGWITH ALL-GAY FIGHTERS.

I CALL IT"FRIDAY NIGHT SISSY FIGHTS"

AND IT'S ONNONE OTHER THAN HBO.

ON MY RIGHT,"THE BATHHOUSE BRAWLER",

NONE OTHER THANSWEET PUSS ROGERS.

LOOK AT THAT FOOTWORK.

HIS DAD WAS A SCHOOLGIRL.

MAN, HE'S GAY.

AND TO MY LEFT,"THE TYRANNICAL TEA-BAGGER"

NONE OTHER THAN REGGIE BLAZER.

HE'S WEIGHING HIMSELF INAS WE SPEAK.

- UH-UH, UH-UH,THIS SCALE IS BROKE.

CHEETAH, DIDN'T I TELL YOUTO FIX THIS SCALE.

AND WHAT YOU LOOKING ATWITH YOUR ASHY-ASS LIPS?

- WHATEVER, FAT-ASS.

- I LOVE IT!

- [squeals]

- ON THAT NOTE, WE'RE ACTUALLYGONNA TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK,

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