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Oprah's Baby Daddy & Jury Duty

Dave gets Oprah pregnant and recalls being a member of the O.J. Simpson trial jury. (21:34)

- OH, I KNOW YOU DO.

COME HERE, GIRL.GIVE ME SOME.

- EXCUSE ME,I HATE TO INTERRUPT,

BUT I JUST HAD TO SAY HELLO.

- HEY, MAN, HOW YOU DOING?

- IS THIS A BAD TIME?

- YOU KIND OF CAUGHT MEIN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING--

- COOL.

SO I'M SURE YOU GET THISALL THE TIME,

BUT I HAVE THE PERFECT IDEAFOR YOU.

IT'S A MOVIE.

IS IT COOL IF I SIT DOWN?

THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

I'M FRANK FELDMAN.

- YOU KIND OF CAUGHT MEAND THE WIFE AT A BAD TIME--

- IT'S A LOVE STORY.

YOU PLAYAN UNDERGROUND STREET POET

NAMED COLT 45.

HE'S A REBELWITH A BIG HEART.

HE'S A LONER BECAUSE HIS WIFEHAS BEEN KILLED

BY THE CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICEROF THE COMPANY SHE USED TO...

- BICYCLE.

MONKEY.

ASHY LARRY.

- HE'S A VOLUNTEER VETERINARIANON WEDNESDAYS...

- I WONDER WHAT ARSENIO'SDOING RIGHT NOW.

HE PROBABLY ATA WINE AND CHEESE PARTY.

- DAMN, THAT'S SOMEGOOD-ASS CHEESE!

- IF THEY DON'T TELL HIMHOW GOOD THE CHEESE IS,

HE'LL BE MAD.

- HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL MEHOW GOOD THE CHEESE WAS?

MOTHERFUCKER.

GOOD-ASS CHEESE, MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?- I WAS--

- BOB EUBANKS-LOOKINGMOTHERFUCKER,

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD MEHOW GOOD THE CHEESE WAS.

- I WAS THINKING THE VILLAIN

COULD BE PLAYEDBY ROD STEWART...

- MAN, I SHOULD'VEBEEN A RAPPER.

THAT LOOK LIKE FUN.

♪ HOW YOU GONNARIP IT LIKE THIS, SON ♪

♪ HOW YOU GONNA RIP ITLIKE THAT, SON ♪

♪ I DON'T PLAY THATBECAUSE IT'S ACTION... ♪

BUT I NEED A GIMMICK.

♪ THAT'S RIGHT,I'M THE BLACK SHEEP ♪

♪ THE REAL BLACK SHEEP

♪ I'M THE BLACK SHEEP,THE REAL BLACK SHEEP ♪

♪ I SAID UH

♪ UH

- WE HAVE THIS BIG SHOWDOWN

AT THE FOOTOF THE SPACE SHUTTLE.

- ♪ DO-DI-LE,DO-DI-LE, DO-DE-LE-LO ♪

♪ DO-DI-LE,DO-DI-LE, DO-DE-LE-LO ♪

♪ DO-DI-LE, DO-DI-LE,DO-DE-LE-LO ♪

- MY COMPANY IS WILLINGTO OFFER YOU $12 MILLION.

[cash register ding]

- $12 MILLION?

FRANK, RIGHT?

YOU WANT SOMETHINGTO DRINK?

WAITRESS, GET THIS NIGGASOMETHING TO DRINK.

LOOK, FRANK, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS--

YOU KNOW THOSE SKITSON CHAPPELLE'S SHOW?

I WRITE A LOT OF THOSE,

AND I'M THINKING MAYBEI COULD GIVE YOU SOME IDEAS

TO MAKE COLT A MOREINTERESTING CHARACTER.

- I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THEM.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM COLT 45,

FIRST OF ALL,WE GOT TO CHANGE THE NAME...

- NASCAR RACE.

UNICORNS.

DIRTY DIAPERS.

- INSTEAD OFTHE SPACE SHUTTLE,

WE MAKE IT RIGHT ON THE STEPSOF THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL.

THAT'S GOOD.

WONDER WHAT MY GIRLTHINKING ABOUT.

- YOU KNOW WHO I'D LOVETO HAVE SEX WITH?

- [laughs]

- ♪ DO-DI-LE,DO-DI-LE, DO-DE-LE-LO ♪

♪ DO-DI-LE,DO-DI-LE, DO-DE-LE-LO ♪

♪ DO-DI-LE, DO-DI-LE,DO-DE-LE-LO... ♪

[phone ringing]

- HELLO?

- DAVE, IT'S OPRAH.

- OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

- LOOK, DAVE, I'M PREGNANT.

- ARE YOU SURE IT'S MINE?

- NO, DAVE, LISTEN,IT'S YOURS.

- GOT YOU, BITCH!- WHAT?

- JUST HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

[grunting]

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, OPRAH,

I'MA FLY TO CHICAGOTOMORROW, OKAY?

BUT I'M GOING TO NEED YOUTO SEND ME A TICKET.

- I'LL FLY YOU OUT.

- OH, OH, OH, AND, BABY,

COULD YOU HAVE A LIMOUSINEPICK ME UP AT THE BAGGAGE CLAIM?

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVENO CAB MONEY

TO GET FROM THE AIRPORTTO YOUR HOUSE.

- OKAY, SURE THING.

- THANKS, BOO.

OPRAH?

I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- I LOVE YOU TOO,DAVID CHAPPELLE.

- ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GOTO WORK AND TELL EVERYBODY

THE GOOD NEWS TOMORROW,

AND I'LL SEE YOU IN CHICAGO.

BYE-BYE.

HEY, EVERYBODY, I'VE GOTAN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!

DING, DING, DINGDING, DING!

I QUIT!

UH!

KISS MY ASS, EVERYBODY!

EXCUSE ME, CAN I HAVEA QUICK WORD WITH YOU?

UH, KISS MY ASS.

COULD YOU TYPE A MEMO OF THATAND SEND IT AROUND?

[laughing]

I QUIT!

- DAVE, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

- OH, SALLY, IT'S NOTWHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME;

IT'S WHAT'S GOTTENINTO OPRAH:

MY SEED, SON!

[laughs]

I'M RICH, BITCH!

HEY, HEY, YOU KNOWI NEVER APPROVED THIS.

NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO MEAROUND HERE.

I'M NOT DANGEROUS!

AT LEASTI WASN'T DANGEROUS.

[laughs]

- MORGAN?

- GUYS, I ALMOST FORGOT.

REMEMBER YOUR SPIRIT.

[farts]

[laughs]

OH, IT SPRAYED.

I'LL SEE YOU IN CHICAGO.

- ♪ WELL, WE'RE MOVING ON UP ♪

- BYE, BABY.HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK.

TRY TO STAY OFF YOUR FEET, BOO.

[moaning]

YEAH, THAT FEELS--OH, THAT--

- HELLO?

- HEY, BABY,HOW WAS THE SHOW?

- NOT BAD.

- OH, THIS IS CHUN LI.

CHUN LI,THIS IS MY BABY'S MAMA, OPRAH.

BABY.

HEY, BABY, YOU MINDIF I GET A HAPPY ENDING?

SHE DIDN'T SAY NO.

ALL RIGHT, I'M READY.

- I'M HOME.

- HEY, BABY.

IT'S BRUCE LEE'S BROTHER.

- HELLO.I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

- $7,000 AN HOUR.

SOUNDS EXPENSIVE,BUT I THINK THE SAFETY

OF YOU AND OUR BABYARE PRICELESS, ALL RIGHT?

CHECK THIS OUT.

[both screaming]

- GET AWAY FROM OPRAH!

[laughs]

- HELLO?

- HEY, BABY.HOW WAS THE SHOW?

OH.OH, THIS IS FELICIA.

FELICIA, THIS ISMY BABY'S MAMA, OPRAH.

BE OUT IN A MINUTE, SWEETIE.

I'M JUST PAINTING.FINISHING UP.

LET ME FILL THIS OUTA LITTLE BIT OVER HERE...

♪ TOOK A WHOLE LOT OF TRYING

♪ JUST TO GET UP THAT HILL

♪ NOW WE'RE UPIN THE BIG LEAGUES ♪

♪ I GET MY TURN AT BAT--

- DAVID!

- OH, SNAP!

HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S THE LADYTHAT MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY BABY'S MAMA,

OPRAH MOTHERFUCKING WINFREY.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, BABY?

HOW WAS THE SHOW?

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEADAND RUN THE BATHWATER,

AND I'LL COME AND PUT SOMESALT IN A MINUTE.

I KNOW YOUR FEETPROBABLY HURTING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW.ALL RIGHT.

HEY, STEVE, YOU MINDPUSHING THE BUTTON?

I'MA TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.

♪ FISH DON'T FRYIN THE KITCHEN ♪

♪ BEANS DON'T BURNON THE GRILL ♪

- ♪ TOOK A WHOLE LOT OF TRYING

♪ JUST TO GET UP THAT HILL

[phone ringing]

- HELLO?

YOU AGAIN.

LOOK, STEDMAN, YOU GONNAHAVE TO MOVE ON, ALL RIGHT?

NO, FUCK THAT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT Y'ALL HAD.

SHE'S HAVING MY BABY, OKAY?

SO YOU LEAVE THIS FAMILY ALONE.

I LOVE HER!

FINE.WHATEVER, BITCH.

- DAVE, HONEY,WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE?

- HUH?BABY, IT'S NOBODY.

IT WAS FOR ME.

JUST GO BACK IN THE BATH.

STEDMAN GRAHAM,IF YOU FUCK THIS UP FOR ME...

THERE YOU GO!

YES!YEAH!

YOU DID IT, BOO, YOU--

WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS NIGGA LOOKSJUST LIKE DR. PHIL!

- WOMEN ARE SMART.

MEN ARE STUPID.

- OH, SHIT!

OPRAH, WHAT ABOUTOUR DREAMS, HUH?

- SORRY, DAVE.

- WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW?I QUIT MY JOB.

SHIT!

- ARE YOU AWARE OF THE CHARGES

THAT MICHAEL JACKSONIS CURRENTLY FACING?

- YES, SIR.

AH, AND FOR THE RECORD,THESE CHARGES HURT ME THE MOST.

- SO HE'S GUILTY.

- LOOK, MAN.LOOK.

MICHAEL JACKSON HAS MANY FACES.

NONE OF THEMLOOK GUILTY TO ME.

YOU GOT TO LOOK IN THE EYES,NOT THE NOSES.

- HE'S BEEN ACCUSED OF THISMORE THAN ONCE.

- SO?

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT CUCUMBERSTASTE BETTER PICKLED.

- WHAT?- HUH?

- WHAT?- HUH?

- WHAT IF I TOLD YOUTHAT THE ACCUSERS

CORRECTLY DESCRIBED MICHAEL'SPENIS TO INVESTIGATORS.

- SIR, I HAVE NEVER SEENMICHAEL'S ALLEGED PENIS,

BUT I BET YOU THAT I COULDDESCRIBE IT, ALL RIGHT?

LET ME GUESS.

THERE'S A HEAD,A SHAFT, SOME BALLS,

HAIR--MAYBE PRESSED, PERMED HAIR

WITH GLITTER SPRINKLED ON IT.

- THAT IS CORRECT.

- WHOA, HOW'D I KNOW?

COME ON, DUDE,I COULDN'T PICK MY OWN PENIS

OUT OF A LINEUP, ALL RIGHT?

AND ME AND MY PENISIS LIKE THIS, SON.

- WHAT ABOUT MICHAELSAYING IT'S OKAY

TO HAVE CHILDRENSLEEP WITH HIM?

- THAT DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

I'M SURE THERE'S PLENTY OF KIDSTHAT SLEEP IN THE BED

WITH THEIR ADULTS ALL THE TIMEAND NOTHING HAPPENS.

- SO YOU DO YOU THINKMICHAEL JACKSON

IS GUILTY OF THE CHARGESAGAINST HIM?

- NO, MAN.

HE MADE THRILLER.

THRILLER.

- SO YOU'D LET YOUR CHILDRENSLEEP WITH HIM.

- FUCK NO!

EW.

- ARE YOU AWARETHAT ROBERT BLAKE

IS FACINGA CHARGE OF MURDER?

- OH, YEAH.

BARETTA DID THAT SHIT.

- MR. CHAPPELLE,ARE YOU AWARE THAT ROBERT KELLY

IS BEING CHARGEDWITH CHILD PORNOGRAPHY?

- YES, I'VE HEARDOF SUCH THINGS.

- YOU'VE SEENTHE VIDEO TAPES?

- HAVE I SEEN IT?

LIKE 80 TIMES.

YOU KNOW THE PART WHERE HE'SWAITING FOR HER TO COME OVER,

AND HE'S LOOKING INTHE CAMERA LIKE...

[grunting]

- SO YOU THINK THAT IT WASROBERT KELLY ON THE TAPE?

- WELL, I'D HAVETO SAY IT WAS.

- SO THEN YOU BELIEVE

HE URINATEDON A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

- WHOA, HOLD ON, LADY!

I DIDN'T SAY ALL THAT.

YOU KNOW WITH THESE TAPESTHEY CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS.

FOR ALL I KNOW,THAT PISS WAS DIGITAL.

THEY GET CRAZYWITH SPECIAL EFFECTS.

LOOK, LOOK, CHECK THIS OUT.

I DIDN'T EVEN JUST DO THAT.

DID I DO THAT?

THAT PISS WAS DIGITAL.

THEY'LL DO CRAZY STUFFWITH SPECIAL EFFECTS.

- WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLCORROBORATING THE STORY?

- SO WHAT?

HOW MUCH MONEY DOESTHIS GIRL STAND TO MAKE

BY "CO-OBORATING"THIS STORY?

I TELL YOU WHAT,YOU GIVE ME THAT KIND OF MONEY,

R. KELLY CAN FARTIN MY DINNER TONIGHT.

SPRAY-FART.

- SO BESIDES THE TAPEAND THE GIRL

CORROBORATINGTHE ALLEGATIONS,

WHAT MORE WOULD IT TAKEFOR YOU TO BELIEVE HE'S GUILTY?

- ALL RIGHT, IF I SAW A TAPEOF R. KELLY PEEING ON A GIRL

WHILE HE WAS SINGING"PISS ON YOU"...

- ♪ LOVERS WANNA LOVE...

- AND THE GIRL WAS HOLDINGTWO FORMS OF GOVERNMENT I.D.,

WHILE A POLICE OFFICERWAS THERE,

LIKE, FOUR OR FIVEOF MY BUDDIES,

AND NEAL TAKING NOTES...

- WELL--- I'M NOT FINISHED.

AND HIS GRANDMOTHERHAS TO BE THERE

TO CONFIRM HIS IDENTIFY.

- THAT'S MY ROBERT,ALWAYS PEEING ON PEOPLE.

DON'T FORGET HER HAIR, ROBERT.

- YES, GRANDMOTHER.

- MR. CHAPPELLE,ISN'T THAT EXCESSIVE?

- NO, NO, IT'S NOT EXCESSIVE.

LISTEN, LADY, THE BURDENOF PROOF IS ON THE STATE.

ON THE STATE!

YOU HAVE GOTTO PROVE TO ME

BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT

WHETHER OR NOTTHIS MAN IS A PISSER.

- AREN'T YOUR DOUBTSUNREASONABLE?

- NO, IT'S NOT UNREASONABLE.

LOOK, WE'RE TALKING ABOUTA JUSTICE SYSTEM

THAT HAD 500 PEOPLEWHOSE CASES WERE OVERTURNED

BY DNA EVIDENCE.

I'VE SEEN A TAPE WHEREFIVE COPS BEAT UP A NIGGA,

AND THEY SAIDTHAT THEY HAD REASONABLE DOUBT.

I GOT MY DOUBTS TOO, ALL RIGHT?

HOW COME THEY DIDN'T FINDBIG AND TUPAC'S MURDERERS

BUT THEY ARRESTO.J. THE NEXT DAY?

NICOLE SIMPSON CAN'T RAP.

I WANT JUSTICE!

YOU ARE ALL--

THIS WHOLE GODDAMN COURTIS OUT OF ORDER.

EVERYBODY!

- MR. CHAPPELLE,YOU'RE DISMISSED.

- AND THAT'S FROM THE HEART.

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