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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

  • 08/27/2014
  • Views: 14,241

Janet Varney, Jimmy Pardo and April Richardson come up with names for an unappetizing new doughnut, list #WorseCollegeMascots and write taglines for unusual foreign foods. (21:15)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

HELLO KITTY IS ONE OF THE MOSTRECOGNIZABLE CHARACTERS IN THE

WORLD, APPEARING ON EVERYTHINGFROM PHONE CASES TO DIABER BAGS.

WELL, GET READY TO FORGETEVERYTHING YOU KNOW, BECUASE

IN A STUNNING DEVELOPMENT,PARENT COMPANY SAN RIO HAS

ANNOUNCED THE CAT FACE OF HELLOKITTY IS NOT A CAT.

>> WHAT?[GONG SOUND]

WHAT, WHAT [BEEP] WHAT ARE YOUDING?

>> Chris: WHY WOULD YOU TELLPEOPLE THAT?

OH, OH, IT SAILOR MOON NOT ASAILOR OR A MOON?

DOES POKEMON'S ASHE KETHUM NOTACTUALLY WANT TO CATCH THEM ALL?

WHERE DOES IT END?

THIS NEWS HAS SHAKEN FANS WHOHAVE TAKEN TO TWITTER WITH

LITERAL HYSTERICAL REACTIONS,LIKE @HELLOYKITTY --

KITTY IS LITERALLY HALF OF YOURNAME WHAT KIND OF LUNACY ARE YOU

YOU TRYING TO PERPETRATE?

AND THEN A ROW OF EN TARO BANGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

THEY SAY IT'S A HUMAN GIRL WHOSENAME IS KITTY. IT'S NOT AN

ACTUAL CAT FACE.

>> YEAH, THAT'S LIKE -- I'MGONNA HAVE A HARD TIME

MASTURBATING TO THAT, RIGHT.[LAUGHING]

>> ANYBODY?

>> I AM NOT.

Chris: ME NEITHER.

>> IF SHE'S A FURRY, I'M GONNAHAVE AN EASIER TIME.

Chris: POINTS TO JANET VARNEYTHERE. WHEN BURGER KING RECENTLY

PURCHASED TIM HORTONS FOR $11BILLION, WE WERE'N'T SURE WHY

THEY'D SPEND SO MUCH FOR ACANADIAN FOOD CHAIN.

11 Bs IS A LOT OF Bs.

NOW THANKS TO GRUBSTREET.COM,THE ANSWER IS CLEAR, AND GOD

HELP US ALL.

TIM HORTON'S APPARENTLY POSSESSA DIRECT PORTAL TO HELL FROM

WHICH THEY SUMMONED THE BUFFALOCRUNCH DONUTS.

[EPIC MUSIC][LAUGHING]

>> Chris: THIS PHOTOGRAPHERCAPTURED WHAT ROB'S SOUL LOOKS

LIKE.

IT'S CRUNCHY AND SPICY WITH SOMECORN CHIPS IN THE MIDDLE.

THIS UNHOLY SWEET OF A BEAST ISDESCRIBED AS PULL APART YEAST

DONUT DUNKED IN BUFFALO SAUCEAND CRUSTED WITH CRUSHED UP

CHIPS.

I GUESS THEY'RE TRYING TO BRIBEAMERICA WITH ALL THAT WE LOVE.

COMEIDANS, WHAT IS ANOTHER NAMEFOR THE BUFFALO CRUNCH DONUT.

JANET VARNEY.

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH, WHATKILLED HONEY BOO BOO'S MOM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I'M FORTUNE TELLING OFCOURSE.

>> Chris: POINTS. OF COURSE.JIMMY PARDO.

>> CHRIS, I'M GOING TO GO --

Chris: DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS INYOUR DAINTY CHEST POCKETS.

>> I NEVER BEEN MORECOMFORTABLE.

>> Chris: YOU LOOK LIKE ANARROGANT VELOPTOR RAPTOR.

>> WHAT'S THAT? YES.

I CALL THAT [BEEP] DISGUSTING.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVEYOU POINTS.

APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> I CALL THAT MY DINNERTONIGHT, BECUASE WHAT ISN'T

DELICIOUS ABOUT THAT YOU LIBERALELITIST.

IT S NOW TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S ASHTAG WARS.

>> HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO![APPLAUSE]

>> YOU READY? YOU READY?>> COME ON. COME ON.

>> TODAY WAS THE OFFICIAL STARTOF COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON AND

COINCIDENTALLY COLLEGE BINGEDRINKING SESSION.

SO LET'S GET IN ON THE ACTIONWITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAG,

#WORSECOLLEGEMASCOTS.

EXAMPLE SMIGHT BE, THE USCBROKEN TROJANS.

OR, DUKE BLUE BALLS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

PARDO.

>> THE ACADEMY OF DRAMATIC ARTSWAITER.

>> POINTS, NICE. JANERY VARNEY.

>> THE NOTRE DAME JUDY DENCHES.

Chris: THAT WOULD BE A TERRIBLEMASCOT.

LET'S GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT,EVERYONE.

>> POINTS. JIMMY PARDO.

>> THE DEVRY STUDENT.

Chris: POINTS. APRIL.

>> THE HOME SCHOOL STEVES.

Chris: POINTS. VARNS.

>> THE MICHIGAN WOLVERINE ORIGINSTORIES.

>> Chris: OH. YEAH, EXCELLENTPOINTS. YEAH, POINTS.

APRIL.

>> THE UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMAGRAND WIZARDS.

>> OH, I WILL TAG THAT.

I WILL TAG THAT.

>> THE TUCSON STATE RACISTS.

>> TUCSON'S NOT A STATE.>> TUCSON'S NOT A STATE!

Chris: JANET.

>> A LITTLE NICHE -- THE YESHIVAUNIVERSITY BAGELS!

SEND YOUR HASHTAG WORSE COLLEGEMASCOTS AND TAG THEM @MIDNIGHT

TO KEEP THIS GAME GOING.

WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE@MIDNIGHT.

OUR TWEET OF THE DAY FROM LASTNIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS WAS SENT TO

US BY @THEONLYCAMSHAFT. WELLDONE!

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WTFDA.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ONCE AGAIN AMPLIFYINGGLASS.COM FEATURED FOODS FROM

AROUND THE WORLD THAT WHENTRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH BECOME

SOMETHING YOU PROBABLYSHOULDN'T STICK IN YOUR MOUTH OR

ANYWHERE ELSE ON YOUR BODY.COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

SOME OF THESE FOODS, AND FOR250 POINTS, GIVE ME THE TAGLINE

TO SELL THE PRODUCT.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

LOOKING FOR A PROTEIN DIP? WHYNOT HAVE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, JANET.

>> FROM DONOR TO DELI WITHOUTTHE BLEACHY AFTER TASTE.

>> I'D BUY THAT.>> POINTS.

>> I WOULDN'T.>> APEY.

>> ACTUALLY CHRIS, THIS IS NOT AFOOD, IT'S A FACIAL IN A CAN.

>>NICE.>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I MEAN LIKE -- SHE'S NOT THATFAR OFF. SHE'S NOT THAT FAR OFF.

'CAUSE I HEAR IT'S REALLY GOODFOR YOUR BOOBS.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO TOLD METHAT. ACTUALLY --

I'M GONNA HAVE TO RETHINK THAT.

>> Chris: I MEAN, IN THE SEVENYEARS WE WERE TOGETHER, WE HAD

SEX DOZENS OF TIMES.

>> IT'S NOT DOZEN PLUS TWO.

Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE. THISCONTAGIOUS BEVERAGE.

THIS CONTAGIOUS BEVERAGE.

PARDO.

>> SARS FROM THE MAKER OF SIDS.

>> APRIL.>> CATCH THE FEVER.

Chris: NICE.

>> THANK YOU.

Chris: NEXT ONE. THISREGERGITATED DINNER.

BARFY.>> WHAT?

Chris: JANET.

>> QUICK SOMEONE HOLD MY HAIRBACK WHILE I EAT THIS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS TASTY TREAT.

HOW ABOUT THIS TASTY TREAT.

>> A-JANET, A-JANET, A-JANET.>> ME?

>> YES, A-JANET. WOULD YOU LIKETO EAT MY JUSSIPUSSI.

>> Chris: APRIL.

>> JUST LIKE MOM USE TO HAVE.

MAKE, MAKE, MAKE.

MOM USE TO MAKE.

MOM USE TO MAKE.

REVIEW TUBE.

>> MY GAME.

MY GAME, BUDDY.

>> Chris: SURE, THERE'S A LOTOF INTELLIGENT AND INFORMED

PROFESSIONALS REVIEWING PRODUCTSON-LINE, BUT BEFORE I MAKE A BIG

PURCHASE I LIKE TO CONSULTAMATEUR PRODUCT REVIEWS ON

YOUTUBE, BCEAUSE O VALUE THEOPINIONS OF SHUT-INS IN

DEPRESSING APARTMENTS. SO I'MGONNA SHOW YOU GUYS THE FIRST

PART OF A YOUTUBE PRODUCTREVIEW, AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU

TELL ME WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT TOWEIGH IN ON.

FIRST ONE: THIS DEMURE DAMSEL.THIS DEMURE DAMSEL.

>> HI, MOXY HERE.

AND THIS WEEK I REVIEWEDSOMETHING I NEVER HAVE BEFORE.

>> Chris: OH, SHE WAS GOING TOSAY WHAT SHE NEVER REVIEWED

BEFORE.

IS IT NIPPLE CLAMPS OR ALIGHTSABER-INSPIRED VIBRATOR.

BY THE WAY, DON'T USE THE FORCE.JANET VARNEY.

>> I'M GOING NIPPLE CLAMPS, ANDFOR SURE SHE HAS HAD BOTOX.

SO I KNOW THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THAT IS NIPPLE CLAMPS.

Chris: NICE.

>> I DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WEREADJUSTABLE, SO I JUST SNAPPED

THEM ON TO MY NIPPLES AND ITWAS PRETTY PAINFUL.

>> Chris: AND THEY RIGHT AFTERYOU CAN SEAL AN OPEN BAG OF

CHIPS IN YOUR KITCHEN, ALSO.

>> ALSO, WHAT IS A REVIEW LIKENIPPLE CLAMPS LIKE.

"YEAH, THEY REALLY HURT MYNIPPLES."

CHECKS OUT.>> THEY SURE CLAMP.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE THIS SOUTHERNGENTLEMAN.

>> ALRIGHTY GUYS, IT'S CASUALGAMER REID.

NOW, I WAS AT WALMART THE OTHERDAY.

>> Chris: WHAT IS HE ABOUT TO DOA IN DEPTH REVIEW OF:

TOILET PAPER OR THE NOTEBOOK ONBLU-RAY? APRIL.

>> THAT'S ACTUALLY A HARDCHOICE. A REALLY HARD CHOICE.

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO WITHTOILET PAPER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> THEY SAY IT'S TWO-PLY ANDTHAT ALL CRAP.

BUT IT'S GARBAGE, FOLKS.

I MEAN WHEN YOU USE THIS AND YOUWIPE YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UP

WITH A HANDFUL OF [BEEP].

>> Chris: WHICH BY THE WAY ISSADDER THAN THE NOTEBOOK ON

BLU-RAY.

Chris: ALRIGHT GUYS.

IT'S TIME FOR COUCH TIPS.

COUCH TIPS.[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: COUCHSURFING.COM IS AWEBSITE THAT HOOKS TRAVELERS

AROUND THE WORLD UP WITH PEOPLEWHO HAVE COUCHES FOR THEM

TO CRASH ON. SEEMS SAFE. WHATCOULD WRONG?

NOTHING AT ALL. THAT'S WHY THEYHAVE A SPECIAL SECTION ON

PERSONAL SAFETY TIPS, WITHSUGGESTIONS LIKE, IF YOU FEEL

UNSAFE, THREATENED, OR INMEDIATE DANGER REMOVE YOURSELF.

THANKS, SAFETY TIP.

ALSO THEY SHOULD HAVE A BOX ONTHERE THAT YOU HAVE TO CHECK

THAT SAYS, DO YOU HAVE BOTHKIDNEYS.

COMEDIANS, I THINK YOU GUYS CANDO BETTER.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME UP WITHAS MANY OTHER TIPS FOR TRAVELERS

FOR COUCHSURFING.COM AS YOUPOSSIBLY CAN.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, APRIL.

>> NUMBER ONE, TRAVEL SAFETYTIP.

DON'T BE A WOMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIMMY.

>> DON'T USE COUCHSURFING.COM.

Chris: OK, GOOD.

POINTS. VARNS.

>> AVOID COUCHES MADE OF HUMANSKIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I HAVE TO FINISH IT THOUGH.

ONE MORE TRAVELER TO GO,APRIL.

>> CONSIDER SAVING $50 GET AHOTEL ROOM LIKE A GOD DAMN

ADULT.>> OH JESUS.

>> Chris: POINTS. JIMMY.

>> YOU KNOW, CHRIS. I DON'T KNOWA LOT ABOUT HOTEL SAFETY,

BUT I DID STAY AT A JOHN WAYNEGACY EXPRESS LAST NIGHT.

Chris: POINTS. JANET.

>> USE A BLACK LIGHT TO AVOIDTHE [BLEEP]IEST AREAS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: DID YOU JUST MAKE[BLEEP]IEST SUPERLATIVE?

>> YES, YES. >> Chris: POINTS, FOR SURE.

YES, JIMMY.

>> BED BUGS ARE HIGH IN PROTEIN.

Chris: OK, GOOD. POINTS. JANET.

>> THAT'S NOT CHOCOLATE ON YOURPILLOW.

>> OH.

Chris: POINTS.

YEAH, BUT AT LEAST I AVOIDEDTHE [BLEEP]IEST AREAS.

POINTS. OK, JIMMY.

>> SAVE TIME PUT A TAG ON YOURTOE.

YOU WILL BE MURDERED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> WE SAY IN FLORIDA, DON'T.

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