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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

  • 07/16/2014
  • Views: 15,137

Seth Morris, John Ross Bowie and Peter Serafinowicz find out which Derek Jeter rumor showed up on Reddit, list #NewESPYCategories and caption animal glamour shots. (21:15)

>> IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS...

THIS HAPPENED ON REDDIT TODAY!

>> JAMES? I'M CHARLIE.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> SORRY I'M SO [BLEEP] HAMMERED>> NO, YOU'RE COOL.

CHRIS: SO DON'T BE FOOLED THAT'SOFFICIAL TACO BELL GREETER,

CHARLIE SHEEN. AND NOT A CARNEYDRIFTER HITCHING A RIDE TO A

GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS.

EVEN THOUGH THE MATING CALL"SORRY I'M SO [BEEP] HAMMERED"

WAS UTTERED. AND, JUST LIKESITTING AT A DRIVE THRU AT A

TACO BELL, I CAN NOT TURN AWAY,LET'S WATCH MORE TOGETHER.

>> WHAT'S UP WITH THAT TATTOO?

>> THAT ONE THERE.

>> HELL YA. >> GO REDS!

>> THAT'S GARY.

>> GARY, WHAT'S UP, MAN.

>> HEY.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON.

CHRIS: SO THAT'S [BEEP] GARYBACK THERE.

GARY. A WILD GARY APPEARS.

CHARLIE KNOWS GARY'S NAME.

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE HE NO LONGERREMEMBERS WHY.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE EXPLAINTO CHARLIE WHO GARY IS. SETH, GO

>> GARY IS CHARLIE'S SOBERBUDDY, AND GARY IS TERRIBLE AT

HIS JOB.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. JOHN ROSSBOWIE.

>> GARY IS NOT THERE CHARLIE ISHALLUCINATING HIM.

>> WOW! A MENTAL PROJECTION.YES! PETER SERAFINOWICZ.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO GARY IS,

BUT I THINK THAT DRUNK GUY ISBABYSITTING MY KIDS.

RIPPED TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: BIG NEWS FROM MARVEL

COMICS THIS WEEK. IN AN UPCOMINGSTORY ARC, THOR: THE GOOD OF

THUNDER WILL NOW BE A LADY. NOW,WEIRDLY --

THIS BROKE ON "THE VIEW."AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DESTINATION

FOR CONTNUITY-ALTERING COMICBOOK NEWS.

HERE'S A TAPE OF THAT.

>>THOR, OKAY, IS A WOMAN.

WHERE DOES SHE GET HER BRA FROM.

I WANNA GET THAT.[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: HOW COULD THEY MAKE{BLEEP] COMIC BOOKS BORING?

YES, THOSE MISOGYNISTS AT THEVIEW SPENT A CHUNK OF TIME

TALKING ABOUT HER BOOBS. WHICHI DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE BECAUSE

I WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT HER OPINIONS.

I WAS.

WHICH OF THESE LADY-THOR TWEETSGOT THE MOST RETWEETS.

A, THIS WHOLE THOR BEING A WOMANNOW MEANS I'M ONE STEP CLOSER TO

MY DREAM OF SEEING CHRISHEMMINGS WORTH IN DRAG AND I'M

OKAY WITH THAT.

B, WHO THE [BEEP] DECIDED THORSHOULD HAVE A PERIOD. MAN, BYE.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS REALLYTHE DECISION THEY ARRIVED AT.

C, THESE DUDES ARE OUT THERETRIPPING CAUSE THEY KNOW THOR

ABOUT TO GIVE THEM A BONER.

>> YES, JOHN ROSS BOWIE.

>> B, BECAUSE IT'S THE MOSTSCIENTIFIC OF THE THREE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT. THECORRECT ANSWER IS A! MOVING ON

YANKEES CAPTAIN DEREK JETERPLAYED IN HIS FINAL ALL-STAR

GAME LAST.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT FROMCBS NEW, WHICH TEETED OUT THIS

SALUTE TO MICHAEL JETER.

"MICHAEL JETER TAKES A BOW INHIS FINAL ALL-STAR GAME."

MICHAEL JETER OF COURSE ISTHE LAT ACTOR FROM "JURASSIC

PARK 3" AND "THE GREEN MILE" WHODIED IN 2003.

MAYBE IT WAS A THROWBACKTHURSDAY TWEET.

WE'RE NOT 100% SURE, BUT SINCEWE'RE ARLEADY OBSURING THE

LEGACY OF DEREK JETER, HOW ABOUTWE PILE ON WITH

UNSUBINSTANTIATED SEX GOSSIP.COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING COMPLETELY UNFOUNDEDJETER HOOKUP RUMORS WAS ONCE

SHARED IN A REDDIT THREAD ABOUTGROUPY SEX.

A, HE INSISTS ALL HIS ONE NIGHTSTANDS PROVIDE URINE SAMPLES

FIRST.

B, HE ONCE HAD A TRIPLE PLAYTHREESOME WITH MARIAH CARE AND

A-ROD -- DON'T PICTURE IT.

C, WHILE RECEIVING ORAL SEX HE'SSAID TO WHISPER TO HIMSELF "YEA

JEETS.">> SETH MORRIS.

IT'S A BUT WHAT THEY FORGOT TOADD THAT THE URINE SAMPLE IS ON

HIS CHEST

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT. THECORRECT ANSWER IS C.

BUT I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP] ABOUTANY OF THAT.

I'M GOING TO GIVE SETH GETS AHUNDRED POINTS FOR WHAT IS VERY

VERY LIKELY THE PROCESS

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS.

>> CHRIS: THE ESPY AWARDS WEREON ESPN TONIGHT HONORING ALL

THINGS SPORTSY. REAL CATEGORIESARE KIND OF BORING, LIKE

BEST TEAM AND BEST CHAMPIONSHIPPERFORMANCE.

LET'S SPICE IT UP WITH THE#NEWESPYCATEGORIES.

BEST CONCUSSION, OR

MOST SHURNKEN TESTICLE, OR

WORST THINGS SAID BY DONALDSTERLING -- ARE ALL OF THEM.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE BY AINJURED SOCCER PLAYER.

>> CHRIS: YES, OKAY. POINTS.PETER.

>> MOST HOMOPHOBIC/HOMO-EROTICSPORT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JOHN.

>> BEST STRIPPER TIPPER.

CHRIS: SETH.

>> BEST COMMENTATOR BACKTRACKINGAFTER A INADVERTENTLY RACIST

REMARK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PETER.

>> SLOWEST MO.

CHRIS: POINTS. JOHN.

>> WHITEST HOCKEY PLAYER, ITWILL LIKELY BE A TIE.

>> CHRIS: YES. BETWEEN ALL OFTHEM.

>> THE OJ SIMPSON AWARD FORDOMESTIC SAVAGERY.

>> CHRIS: GODDAMNIT, POINTS.PETER.

>> LEAST BALL SHAPED BALL.

CHRIS: POINTS. JOHN.

>> BEST AMERICAN PRETENDING TOCARE ABOUT SOCCER FOR FOUR

WEEKS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. WELLDONE.

PENTHOUSE PETS.

TECHNICALLY WE'RE ALL MAMMALS.YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE WE'RE THE

ONLY MAMMALS WILL THE ONLY ONESWHO DRESS PETS UP AND TAKE

GLAMOUR SHOTS OF THEM.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WE'RE AT THETOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN.

WE DON'T JUST EAT ANIMALS WEWILLINGLY HUMILIATE THEM.

THAT'S HOW WE DOMINATE THEM.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GLAMOURSHOTS OF PETS AND THEIR OWNERS

AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CAPTIONTHESE PHOTOS. FIRST ONE,

HOW ABOUT THIS SASSY YOU JOHNGOODMAN LOOKALIKE AND HIS PET.

THIS REMINDS ME THAT I HAVEN'TSEEN THE BIG LOWBOSKI IN SO LONG

>> CHRIS: SETH.

>> ANIMAL SHELTER IN THE FRONT,PARTY IN THE BACK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JOHN.

>> DOCTOR, PLEASE REMOVE THISDOG FROM MY CHIN SO I CAN [BEEP]

IT.

>> CHRIS: I'M SORRY, DOCTOR, WASTHAT TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

I DON'T NEED ALL THAT.

>> NEVER MIND.

JUST TAKE IT OFF MY CHIN.

>> THEN WE'LL HAVE US TIME.

CHRIS: POINTS TO JOHN. PETER.

>> GUESS WHAT MY OTHER HAND ISDOING.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: YEAH POINTS. NEXT ONE.

YOU KNOW MAYBE EVOLUTION IS BULL[BLEEP] MAYBE IT IS?

OH ...

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

PETER.

>> THEY'RE ADOPTED.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS. OH MAN.

>> I CAN'T MAKE IT OUT. IS THAT,ARE WE LOOKING AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE GINGHAM DRESS OR MONKEYLABIA?

>> TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE A HUMANPENIS, TO ME.

>> CHRIS: I THINK.

I THINK -->> JUST COMPARE IT TO MINE.

>> SO THERE, RIGHT.

CHRIS: SO -- THE DETERMINATIONAFTER CLOSE EXAMINITON

BETWEEN PETER AND THE CHIMP ITIS IN FACT A BRITISH [BEEP].

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

OKAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO FUNNY ORDIE FOUNDER WILL FERRELL.

>> CAPTION IS, MOM, I METSOMEONE BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT

SHE'S BLACK.

"THE NAME'S GUY, BOND GUY." TOHELP US WITH THIS GAME, THE

STAR OF HEMLOCK GROVE, THEGREATEST BOND GIRL OF ALL

TIME, XENIA ONATOPP, SO PLEASEWELCOME FAMKE JANSSEN.

>> I LIKED BEING A BOND GIRL.

THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING ABOND GIRL IS THE NAME.

HOW CAN YOU COMPETE WITH NAMESLIKE PUSSY GALORE, HOLLY GOOD

HEAD AND OCTOPUSSY.

I PERSONALLY THINK, WHAT ABOUTTHE MEN?

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME FOR ABOND GUY.

>> CHRIS: I WAS SAYING THAT.

>> YES. MEN DESERVE TO HAVESEXUALLY PROVACTIVE NAMES.

OKAY YOUR NAME.

I MEAN IF YOU WERE A BOND GUY.

I THINK YOUR NAME WOULD BE LIKECHRIS HARDWICK.

>> CHRIS: YES, NO.

IT WOULD BE, IT WOULD JUST BE MYNAME.

MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE I'M A 70SSOFTCORE CANADIAN PORNAGRAPHER.

THERE SHOULD BE BOND GUYS. THERESHOULD BE BOND GUYS

I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITH ASMANY BOND GUYS NAME AS YOU CAN.

FIRST LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR FAMKEJANSEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: YOU CAN LEVITATE ME

WITH YOUR MIND IF YOU WANT.

NO? OKAY.

I AM PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> SETH MORRIS.>> STIFF HARDDICK.

CHRIS: POINTS.

PETER.

>> OCTOGLAND.

CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> URI EATHRA.>> POINTS. SETH

>> BUSTER HYMAN.>> YES POINTS.

>> FILL UP FROM BEHIND.>> PETER.

>> BALLS GALORE.

CHRIS: IT SOUNDS BETTER WHENYOU SAY IT.

JOHN.

>> BARE VON DEE, DEES NUTS.

CHRIS: RAISE IT UP.

RAISE IT UP.

YA, POINTS.

SETH.

>> TWO PUMP PAUL.

CHRIS: POINTS.

PETER.

>> GOLD FINGERER.

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