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Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts

  • 03/06/2011
  • views: 21,631

Daniel Tosh suggests a new way to use toilets, encourages steroids in baseball, thinks the Olympics are pointless and examines a tragedy at Six Flags. (41:55)

THAT BEING SAID,I HAVE A FEW.

EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY,

I GET A SMALL DASHON MY INNER THIGH

WHERE MY BALLSCURRENTLY HANG.

[laughter]

YOU CAN'T TELL METHAT'S NOT GONNA BE

A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF ARTWHEN IT'S FINISHED.

MY GRANDKIDSARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS,

THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELLARE THESE THINGS?"

I'M LIKE,"IT'S YOUR FUTURE.

READ THE CHART."

THEY DON'T STOP GROWING.THEY'RE LIKE EARLOBES.

[laughter]

THAT JOKE WAS INSPIREDBY A DOOR THAT WASN'T LOCKED

WHEN I WAS 11.

[laughter]

HOW ABOUTTHOSE WINTER OLYMPICS?

THEY WERE EXCITING,WEREN'T THEY?

FINALLY,WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT

WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWNA HILL FASTER.

NOT GEORGIA.

[audience ohs]OOH.

OH, I'M SORRY.

BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU,HERE IN SAN FRAN?

TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY,DON'T YOU?

THE WINTER OLYMPICSARE POINTLESS.

I'LL SAY IT.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I ASSUME THE ONLY REASONWE HAVE THEM

IS SO WHITE PEOPLEFEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS,

BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT,THE ONLY THING

THE WINTER OLYMPICSSHOW ME IS

WHICH COUNTRYHAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS?

WHAT'S IT COST TO GO SKIING?

$900 A DAY?

"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVETHAT'S NOT MORE POPULAR

IN THE INNER CITIES."

HMM.

"HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAYBASKETBALL TODAY?"

"NO, MAN, I'M GOINGTO BRECKENRIDGE."

"OH.

"LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH.

LATRELL'S GOINGTO BRECKENRIDGE."

[laughter]

I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES,FOR THAT MATTER.

I JUST DON'T WANT PARENTSTO BE REWARDED

FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS

TO FORFEITTHEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

PERFECTING A SPORTNO ONE CARES ABOUT

FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHSAT A TIME,

THEN FOR ONE MONTH,I GOT TO ACT

AS IF THE VAULT AFFECTSMY PATRIOTISM.

IT DOESN'T.

I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMPAND RIB CAGE IT.

YEAH.

DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY.

ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER,

ASK YOUR MOM WHYYOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3",

AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYSHAMMERTOE'S A DEAL BREAKER.

I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET,MARY LOU.

THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

LET'S SAY SHE'S 19.

THERE'S NO BOUNCERIN MY BEDROOM.

YOU'RE IN.

SHE SAYS TO MEDURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

"HEY, DANIEL, WHAT'S IT LIKEHAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?"

I'M LIKE,"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.WE NEED TIME MACHINES.

WHAT I SAIDWAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC.

I SAID, "OH.

IT'S A LOT LIKE PICKING UPDOG [bleep] WITH A BAG,"

WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINKNOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY.

LIKE, YOU KNOWTHERE'S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND,

BUT YOU DON'T FREAK OUT.

[laughter]

[applause]

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT AT NIGHTAND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN,

I LIKE TO WALK UP TO 'EMAND PRETEND THAT I'M A JUDGE

AT A DOG SHOW.

AND I JUST GO,"MM.

"THIRD, SECOND, FIRST...

IN THAT ORDER!"

[applause]

THEY LOVE IT.

THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED.

THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIMEGETTING READY.

THERE'S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THATWOULDN'T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGHT

WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON.

HER FRIEND'S LIKE, "WHERE DIDYOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?"

"OH, SOME GUY AT THE BARTHOUGHT I WON."

"KATIE DIDN'T EVEN PLACE.I KNOW.

IT'S CRAZY."

IF I SEEA REALLY HOT CHICK,

I'LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCHAND THE THROAT

AND BE LIKE,"BEST IN SHOW."

LITTLE HEAVY.

SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONEFROM THE TOY GROUP.

BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, OKAY?

JUST NOT TO ME.

I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.

FRESHMAN 15'SNOT A LIFE SENTENCE.

WE'RE JUST TOO FAT.

I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY

THAT WAS DELAYEDOVER THREE HOURS AT THE GATE

BECAUSE THEY RAN OUTOF SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS.

DO YOU EVEN KNOWWHAT SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS ARE?

SEAT BELTS ONLY GO THIS BIG.

[laughter]

SOME PEOPLE NEED

AN EXTRA 6 1/2 FEET OF NYLONTO STRAP IN,

AS IF ANY COLLISIONWOULD UNWEDGE THEM.

I LOVE THAT THE MODELINGINDUSTRY GETS ATTACKED

FOR BEING TOO SKINNY.

REALLY, AMERICA?

YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG?

MM-MM.

IS SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH?

MM-MM.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY SAY THAT--THAT MODELS ARE TOO SKINNY?

IT'S BECAUSEPARENTS ARE HORRIBLE.

THEY CAN'T TELLTHEIR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

THAT SHE'S NOT REALLYA PRINCESS.

WELL, GUESS WHAT.I CAN.

IF YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLDAND YOU THINK

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUAND GISELE IS YOUR WAISTLINE

AND NOT YOUR BUSTED FACE...

HERE'S SOME ADVICE--FILL UP THE PAXIL,

BECAUSE LIFE IS GONNA BEREALLY SAD.

IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUNDLIKE, "WELL, WHY AM I

NOT A SUPERMODEL YET?"

WHO ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT,SEABISCUIT?

"OH, I WANT TO BE A MODEL."

DO YOU WANT METO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?

LET'S START WITH YOUR JAWLINE.

THAT'S NOT GONNA SELL A LOTOF MAKEUP IN THE MAGAZINES.

"BUT I'M SKINNY."

YOU ARE A TROLL.

MY ADVICE,HAVE A TWINKIE,

GET REAL GOOD AT MATH,

BECAUSE LIFEIS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR YOU.

I'M SORRYIF THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL,

BUT BEING AN UGLY WOMANIS LIKE BEING A MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK.

IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY,BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.

I DON'T CAREHOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT,

YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.

YOU'LL BE IN AUSTRALIANINE YEARS FROM NOW.

YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKEDBY A KANGAROO,

AND YOU'LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL,"GET BEHIND HIM.

"WAIT, HOW DID I KNOWTO SAY THAT?

"HOW DID I KNOWTO SAY THAT?

"AM I A WIZARD?

"HAVE I ALWAYS BEENA WIZARD?

WELL, THEN WHY DON'TI HAVE A DEMON?"

[scattered laughter]

I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS.

I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME.

I'D GIVE 'EM FACTS.THEY'D BE SILLY.

LIKE, BABIES AREN'TDISHWASHER-SAFE.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS.

"WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS?

"WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEPONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER,

"THEY'RE DOING A GOOD THINGOVER THERE.

THANKS, SUMMER PEACH."

I PREFER THE TEAS.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSIONOF JOHNNY DEPP

BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSEAT NIGHT.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW,JOHNNY DEPP'S 48 YEARS OLD.

I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS.

"HOLD ON, GUYS,I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

"I HAVE TO PUT ONANOTHER BRACELET.

"I ONLY HAVE SIX ON.I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT.

"I KNOWYOU'RE IN A HURRY,

"BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SUREMY BELT IS ASKEW

"AND MY HANDKERCHIEFIS JUST SO,

BECAUSE I'M ALMOST 50,AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES."

COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF.

AND MY VOTE IS 48.

I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD.

I DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS.

I DON'T NEED TO SEEALTERNATE ENDINGS.

THEY'RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT.THEY'RE JUST LONGER,

A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS,

AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERALPUBLIC COULDN'T HANDLE.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE MEALTERNATE ENDINGS,

YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY.

LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKSWITH MY NEPHEW.

YEAH, WE WATCHEDTHE ALTERNATE ENDING

WHERE THEY LOSETHE HOCKEY GAME.

THEN THEY GO BACKTO THE LOCKER ROOM.

THEY START DOING BLOWAND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER.

EMILIO'S DEAD IN THE SHOWER.

YOU'RE LIKE,"HOLY COW. WHOA.

"DID YOU SEETHE ALTERNATE ENDING?

"NO, NO, NO, THEY WENT

"IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENTDIRECTION.

"I THINK DISNEY WAS SMARTWITH THE ORIGINAL.

THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS ALITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS."

THAT'S DISNEY,

ALWAYS SNEAKING INSUBLIMINAL STUFF IN OUR MOVIES.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A PENISON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX?

YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIELFOR SIX MONTHS

AND NOT PUTA [bleep] SOMEWHERE.

COME ON, LADIES.YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR,YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR.

SO NOW WHEN PEOPLESEE MY BALLS,

IT'S LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS.

"THAT LOOKS REALLY,REALLY GOOD.

ISN'T THAT DAMAGINGTO THE HAIR?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH,BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAMWOULD KNOCK IT OFF

WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS.

I CAN'T KEEP UP.

MY BALLS STILLHAVE THE '06 POSH.

REMEMBER THAT LITTLETRENDY LITTLE CUT?

POSH SPICE?

LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES.

OKAY?

AM I THE ONLY PERSONTHAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM

HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGEOF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD,

BUT MAKE IT HAPPENBEFORE ONE OF THEM'S

OUT OF THEIR PRIME.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MENTOGETHER MAKING LOVE?

OH.

IF THERE'S A MANIN HERE THAT'S JUNK

DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BITAT THE THOUGHT

OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER--

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBICSEXUAL PREFERENCE.

AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART,YOU MONKEY, OKAY?

YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THATYOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM

WITH THOSE GREEK GODS.

CAN YOU IMAGINEIF THEY HAD A CHILD?

♪ AHH

WAS THAT SIMBA?

WHAT THE [bleep]?

WAS THAT SIMBA?

THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?

THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILDTHE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

PICTURE BABY JESUSWITH BETTER ABS.

THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.

IF THEY HADA BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,

THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORKTHE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?

JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS,PROPPED UP.

HE CAN'T STAND YET.JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

BIG POSTER,BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF

JUST STANDINGIN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.

AND YOU'D WALK IN,AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,

BUT I WANT TO [bleep]THAT BABY."

OH, MAN!DO I WANT TO [bleep] THAT BABY!

IF I HAD THREE WISHES,

TWO OF 'EM WOULD BETO [bleep] THAT BABY

AND ONE WOULD BEFOR MORE WISHES.

"WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

THEN I WANT TO [bleep] THE BABYA THIRD TIME.

I WOULD LIKE TO USEALL THREE WISHES

BANGING THAT BABY.

GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE,BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE

THAT DOESN'T HAVEA PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.

AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELLAT ALL.

A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOL KIDS,

PARENTSTHAT ARE PROUD OF THEM,

AND I'M BELITTLINGTHE ENTIRE THING.

AND THE ADMINISTRATIONGOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, UH,WE DIDN'T KNOW

YOU WEREN'T GONNATAKE IT SERIOUSLY."

TO WHICH I REPLIED,"REALLY?

"YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHEREI WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS?

HIGH SCHOOL,HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

[laughter]

NO.

I REFUSE TO GIVETHAT GENERIC SPEECH.

"AS I LOOK OUT HERE,

I SEE FUTURE LAWYERSAND DOCTORS."

I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH."THERE'S FELONS HERE.

[laughter]

SOME OF YOU WILL DIEIN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT."

OH, I'M SORRY.

EXPLAIN TO MEWHY A DOSE OF REALITY

BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGEIS A BAD THING,

BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T NEEDTO PANDER TO THE 1%.

THEY DON'T NEEDMY LITTLE PEP RALLY.

THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

NOBODY'S BEEN A PILE OF [bleep]THEIR ENTIRE LIFE

AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND

BECAUSE OFTHE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

EXCUSE ME?

NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED.

"SO YOU'RE SAYINGI CAN BE ANYTHING?

"OH, YEAH,THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN

"WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

I LIKE THIS GUY."

DON'T YOU LOVE ITWHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE,

"I'M A BAD TEST TAKER."

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STUPID.

[laughter]

OH, YOU STRUGGLEWITH THAT PART

WHERE WE FIND OUTWHAT YOU KNOW?

OH.

NO, NO,I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.

SEE, BECAUSEI'M A BRILLIANT PAINTER

MINUS MY GOD-AWFULBRUSHSTROKES.

OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECEIS CRYSTAL UP HERE,

BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS,I DEVELOP PARKINSON'S.

[laughter]

I APOLOGIZE IF THERE'SA PARKINSON'S PAINTER HERE

THIS EVENING.

I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORKIS IN THE A.M.

PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRACTBY NOON.

[laughter]

HANG IN THERE,IT GETS WORSE.

[laughter and applause]

YOU EVER HEARTHIS EXPRESSION?

"THE WORST DAY OF FISHINGIS BETTER THAN

THE BEST DAY AT WORK."

UH, I'LL CALL B.S.

[laughter]

I'VE WATCHED THE DEADLIEST CATCHON DISCOVERY.

I'VE NEVER ONCE BEENAT WORK,

CAPSIZEDINTO 40-DEGREE WATER,

WATCHEDALL MY COWORKERS DIE

AND BE LIKE, "HEY,

AT LEASTWE'RE [bleep] FISHIN'."

RIGHT, FELLAS?

OH, JEEZ.

WHAT IS THAT LIKE?IS IT HORRIBLE?

IS IT AWFUL...TO KNOW YOU'RE NUMBER TWO?

BY THE WAY,THESE AREN'T MY BELIEFS.

IT'S MY OBSERVATIONSON THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

IF IT CHANGES,

I'LL ADJUSTTHE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY.

COOL.

I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRYTO RATIONALIZE IT.

"NO, IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN.

FREE DRINKS IS WORTHNOT HAVING EQUALITY."

[laughter]

LISTEN,YOU'RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY

TO BE NUMBER TWO,

BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA,IT'S CLOSE, RIGHT?

MEN ARE HERE.WOMEN ARE HERE.

SOME COUNTRIES,IT'S LIKE THIS

AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.

HO-HO.

THAT IS A BAD COUNTRYTO BE A WOMAN IN.

DON'T GET LOSTIN A HIKE THERE.

YOU'LL END UP ON YOUTUBEWITHOUT A HEAD,

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME I'MA BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL.

WHAT?

I'M CONSERVATIVEON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES.

I HATE THE POOR.

I'VE SAID THAT FOREVER.

"WE NEED HELP."YEAH, WE'VE HEARD.

AND SOME OF YOU KNOWI HAVE A CHARITY,

BUT I DID THATFOR TAX PURPOSES.

IF YOU'RE NOTFAMILIAR WITH IT,

IT'S CALLEDFEBREEZING THE HOMELESS.

[laughter]

NO, IT'S NOTWHAT SOME OF YOU THINK.

WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND,AND I FEBREEZE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IS THAT WHATYOU THOUGHT IT WAS?

WELL, THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.

IT'S NICE.WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO?

THE GUY THAT SMELLSLIKE LIQUID GARBAGE

OR OCEAN BREEZE?

IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT RAINON NUMBER TWO.

MAKE IT RAIN.

"THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY,FOR CONTINUING

TO KEEP WOMENIN THEIR PLACE,"

HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S WHENYOU THROW CASH ON THE HOS.

I CAME UPWITH MY OWN EXPRESSION.

I LIKE TO MAKE IT HAIL.

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOUTHROW CHANGE ON SLUTS.

[imitates whooshing]

"OW!

ARE THOSE NICKELS?"

"YEAH.IT'S A DOWN ECONOMY.

I'M A BALLERON A BUDGET, BITCH."

YOU SEE THAT?YOU SEE THAT?

KEEP AN OPEN HAND.THAT'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON.

I DON'T KNOWIF THAT'S TRUE...

JUST IN CASEANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGHT

AND DECIDES TO BEATTHE [bleep] OUT OF THEIR--

"I KEPT AN OPEN HAND.

YOUR HONOR,THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED..."

SOME ISSUESI GO A LITTLE LEFT ON.

I HEART ABORTION.FINE.

WHERE'S THAT T-SHIRT,URBAN OUTFITTERS?

I'LL BUY ONE.

LARGE, PRESHRUNK,COTTON-POLY BLEND,

OVERPRICED,BUT VERY SOFT.

JUST SAYS "I HEART ABORTION."

NOT A REGULAR HEART,AN UNBORN FETUS HEART

THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT.

LOOK AT IT.

WHAT, IT'S OKAY FOR THEMTO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD,

SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID'S FACE

THAT'S MAKINGTHE TOUGHEST DECISION

OF HER LIFE,BUT I EMBRACE IT

AND I'M THE A-HOLE?GOT IT.

WHAT'S THE BACKOF THE SHIRT SAY?

"PROBLEM SOLVED."

AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.

IT DOES.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.

BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAYFROM BEING SOCCER.

YEAH.

AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER,WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.

SEE, OUR COUNTRYALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT,

SO WATCHING PEOPLECHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS

TO END ZERO-ZEROIS NOT ENJOYABLE

UNLESS, OF COURSE,THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE

AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.

[cheers and applause]

BASEBALL.

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCHA PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.

LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.

DON'T WORRYABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.

FOR EVERY SUPERSTARTHAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,

A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYSHAVE JUICED UP,

SO THE PLAYING FIELDIS PLENTY EVEN.

WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISKNEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME,

SURE,

AS SOON AS WE PUT ONENEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.

GETTING TO BREAK RECORDSBEFORE BLACK PEOPLE

WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?

EXCUSE ME?

WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?

WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALKABOUT THAT?

[cheers and applause]

OH.

I'D LOVE TO KNOWHOW MANY HOMERS

THE BABE WOULD HAVE HIT

HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.

YEAH.

MAYBE THE FAT BOYWOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN

AND QUIT POINTINGHAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM

90 MILES TO THROW HIMA JUNK BALL.

DON'T WORRYIF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.

90 MILES IS THE DISTANCEFROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,

JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAMEFOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,

AND A JUNK BALL'SAN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH

TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEPTFOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,

WHICH IS A JOKE.

THE POINT...

IS THE RECORD BOOKSMIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT

HAD OUR COUNTRYNOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.

THAT'S ALL.

AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,

YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO[bleep] ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

WHY NOT?SCREW THEM.

THEY WERE A BUNCHOF RACIST [bleep] PIGS

WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.

I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE

SIGNINGTHE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,

THEY SHOT EACH OTHERA GLANCE.

"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

[laughs sarcastically]

IF I OFFEND ANYONE TONIGHT,I APOLOGIZE.

THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOURPERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

I CROSS MY OWNFROM TIME TO TIME.

IT'S HOW I KNOWI STILL HAVE ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEMWITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

IN THIS COUNTRYEXCEPT FOR THE FACT

THAT THEY DON'T SERVEON JURY DUTY.

THAT'S HORSE SHIT.

IT SHOULD BETHE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELYON JURY DUTY.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BEA JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

[crowd groaning]

[laughter and applause]

IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPEIF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

THAT JOKE IS CALLED"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES BEFOREI WALK ON STAGE,

MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."

THIS IS WHAT SHE SAIDTO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

RIGHT BEFORE I WALKEDON STAGE.

SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRYABOUT GETTING SHOT

WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU?"

SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH,"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACKTO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

[laughter and cheers]

I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

AS IF A SNIPERWOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

LIKE...

"I CAN'T KEEP UP.HE LIVES."

A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAINTHAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READYTO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSEI NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONGIT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

THAT'S JUST LESS TIMEI HAVE TO SPEND

WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDSPRETENDING

THAT I DON'T WANTTO KILL MYSELF.

YEAH.[cheers and applause]

SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALFTO GET READY,

COME DOWN AND BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

RIGHT? YEAH.

NOW SHE'S CRYING.WHATEVER.

I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRATWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

YEAH.YEAH.

IT'S NOT LIKESHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAYFROM BEING REPLACED.

I CAN SAY THAT.I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

THERE'S NO EXCUSE FORDOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.

[laughs]

I MEAN, DOES EVERYTHINGHAVE TO BE SO BLACK AND WHITE

IN THIS KINDERGARTEN COUNTRYOF OURS?

"THERE'S NO EXCUSE."

WHAT IF YOU COME HOMEFROM A LONG DAY AT WORK

AND YOUR WIFE HAS DROWNEDTWO OF YOUR KIDS?

SHE'S ABOUT TO DUNKTHE THIRD ONE.

CAN YOU RUN OVERAND POP HER THEN?

"UNFORTUNATELY, NO.THERE'S NO EXCUSE.

GONNA HAVE TO LET HERDROWN THAT THIRD ONE."

WHAT IF YOU ASK HERTO DVR THE GAME,

BUT SHE FORGETS TO RECORDTHE HALF-HOUR SHOW AFTERWARDS

JUST IN CASEIT GOES INTO OVERTIME?

THE POINT ISTHERE'S A GRAY AREA.

YEAH.

AND I'M PRETTY SUREMY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MINE

ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO.

I ASKED HER TO RECORDTHE GAME ON ESPN,

WHICH SHE DID,BUT NOT ESPN HD.

AND THEN SHE SAYS,

"WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILLGET TO WATCH IT."

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, I PAY EXTRA MONEYSO I CAN WATCH TV

LIKE POOR PEOPLE.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD

FOR CHEATING ON YOUTHIS WEEKEND.

[audience ohs]

WE HAVE A RULE IN MY HOUSE.

IF I'M ASHAMED,IT DOESN'T COUNT.

YOU GOTTA PLOW A FOURTO APPRECIATE AN EIGHT.

[laughter]

THAT'S MY MANTRA.YEAH.

I'LL COME HOME FROMA ROAD TRIP AND BE LIKE,

"YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."

SHE'S LIKE,"OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN

WITH A PIG THIS WEEKEND."

I DON'T CHEAT ON HER.IT'S A JOKE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND.

I...

HATE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,BUT I'M FAITHFUL.

THAT'S THE RULE.

YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIPTO WORK,

YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL.

UH, TIGER WOODS,JESSE JAMES,

THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOVETHAT SIMPLE RULE.

THEY'RE NOT.NOBODY IS.

AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN ITTO WOMEN EITHER, LIKE--

MY GIRLFRIEND'LL BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS,

LIKE, YOU REALLY WANNAHOOK UP WITH SOME SKANK?"

OH, OH, WHOA.

IT'S NOTYOU VERSUS SKANK, HONEY.

IT'S YOU VERSUS EVERY SKANK.

DO YOU SEE HOWTHE SCALE SHIFTS

IN THE OTHER DIRECTIONAT THAT POINT?

IT'S LIKE, SHE'SA MIGHTY SPARTAN WARRIOR.

BUT THERE'SALL THESE PERSIAN WHORES...

THAT WILL EVENTUALLYKILL HER.

[laughter]

NOW IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING MEON TWITTER

YOU KNOWI HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.

AM I USING THAT WEBSITEPROPERLY?

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SITON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

"WE'RE LISTENING."

IT'S NICE, RIGHT?YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARECLAPPING RIGHT NOW,

THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE,"OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

"HE IS A GENIUS.

"NO, NO, NO, NO.IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.

"I'VE BEEN SITTINGON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.

"YOU'RE TELLING MEI COULD TURN AROUND,

"HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL,YEAH?

"SET THE ALARMTEN MINUTES LATER.

MULTITASK."

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EATWHILE ON THE TOILET.

"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINSWITH WHOLE MILK."

THAT'S MOREOF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,

BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.

SOMEBODY EMAILED ME,AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DIP[bleep]--"

WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE

IF YOU EVER WANT METO READ YOUR EMAILS.

OH, LET'S SEE WHATTHIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.

YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVETO TAKE YOUR PANTS

COMPLETELY OFF TO SITON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"

[laughter]

TOUCHE.

ALL RIGHT,SO I DON'T RESEARCH.

IT'S A PRE-SHOWER [bleep],AGREED?

CAN WE MOVE ON,STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?

YOU EVER HAVEA POST-SHOWER [bleep]?

OH, MIGHT AS WELLGO BACK TO BED

AND STARTYOUR WHOLE DAY OVER.

THINGS ARE WRONG.

THAT'S NOTTHE ORDER OF EVENTS.

THERE'S A GLITCHIN THE MATRIX.

THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL.MOM!

WIPE ME!

[laughter and cheers]

A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLEDIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY.

WHICH IS SAD,BUT IT HAPPENS,

NOT USUALLY IN WHITENEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS.

I THINK THERE'S A PIE CHARTTHAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE.

SMALL SLIVER, SAFER.

SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREET

WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEENCOMPLAINING FOR YEARS

THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST.

SO REACTIVE IN NATUREAS EVERYONE IS,

AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,

THEY HAD A BUNCHOF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN.

AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, WHATA HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY

TO REMEMBER EVERY TIMETHEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD."

BA-BOOM.[whimpers]

"NATALIE!

"YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOUSO MUCH.

"BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOINGA NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION.

"NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOUWE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR.

"EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE,SHE MAKES US FIGHT.

GOOD RIDDANCE."

YEAH, YOU SEEWHAT HAPPENED THERE?

IN THE BEGINNINGOF THIS MADE-UP STORY,

YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY.

NOW, AT THE END,YOU REALIZE

THEY WEREN'T FIT PARENTSTO BEGIN WITH.

WE'VE ALL GROWN.

LET'S MOVE ONTO SOME NONFICTION.

DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLEDAT SIX FLAGS,

HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFFBY THE ROLLER COASTER?

OH, MAN, THE FIRST THINGTHAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND

WAS, "WOW, HOW AM I GONNAMAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?"

HERE GOES.

IF YOU DON'T REMEMBERTHE STORY,

HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP.HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

HIS HAT BLEW OFF.

AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER,

HE'S LIKE,"I'M GONNA GO GET MY HAT."

AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCEWITH SIGNS ON IT

THAT PROBABLY SAID,"HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES."

AND HE'S LIKE,"WHAT?

"HAVE YOU SEEN MEIN THAT HAT?

NOT TODAY, FENCE."

AND HE WENT OVER IT.

AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCEWITH MORE SIGNS.

LIKE,"COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF."

HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TELL MEHOW TO LIVE, SIGNS."

AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE.

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE,THE STORY ENDS.

DID HE GET THE HAT?I'D LIKE TO THINK HE DID.

RIGHT?A SMALL SILVER LINING.

LIKE, "I TOLD YOUI'D GET IT."

AND THEN WHACK,RIGHT THEN.

AND I KNOWHE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP,

AND THEY DON'T BELIEVEIN EVOLUTION,

BUT THAT KID WAS GETTINGPICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER.

YEAH.

[laughter and applause]

I HATE OUR FUCKING ANTHEM.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ITON YOUR iPOD?

"WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"

"OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

"I LOVE IT.

IT JUST REALLY GETS MEJAZZED UP."

I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY.

IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS,OH-HO-HO,

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,

BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM'SGONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG

JUST SOBRONZE AND SILVER GO,

"WHAT THE [bleep]?HOW LONG IS THIS?"

IT'S LIKE,"KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS.

"YOU'RE BEINGVERY DISRESPECTFUL.

THERE'S A NINE-MINUTEGUITAR SOLO COMING."

"WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?"

[laughter]

I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING

IN THIS COUNTRY--

THAT MICHAEL PHELPSFELL FROM THE GRACES

FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA

OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TOA SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

SWIMMING?

YOU MEAN THAT THINGYOU INSTINCTIVELY DO

BEFORE YOU DIE?

"YEAH, BUT HE'S REALLY FAST.IT'S...

IT'S PRETTY HEROIC."

THE FIRST THINGMICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE

WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OUT

WAS CALLKOBE BRYANT'S PUBLICIST,

BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSEDOF RAPE.

AND ALL HE HAD TO DOWAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COURT

FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER,

WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,

AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A.COULDN'T BE PROUDER.

YEAH, I JUST HOPEWHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS

RUN AROUNDIN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS,

THEY HAVE THE DECENCYTO BE LIKE,

"OH, COME ON.NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST.

[laughter]

"24 JUST HASA GREAT WORK ETHIC.

AND AN UNBLOCKABLETURNAROUND."

[laughter]

NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLSFROM THE HEAVENS,

GO AHEAD AND PUT ITIN YOUR SPAM FILE.

LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFEON A RELIGION

THAT'S OLD ENOUGHFOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE,

"OH, YEAH.THAT'S NOT TRUE.

"UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

"I DON'T KNOW WHYTHEY'RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS

"UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.

I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEMTO BE COMFY."

THE MORMON CHURCH SPENT$20 MILLION

LAST YEAR IN THE STATEOF CALIFORNIA

MAKING SURE QUEERSDIDN'T LEGALLY GET MARRIED--

SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.

SO I GUESS WE'RE NOT AS LIBERALAS WE ALL THOUGHT.

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAYTO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON

THAT'S SO TERRIFIEDOF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL.

JUST BECAUSE THE STATESAYS IT'S LEGAL,

IT'S NOT LIKE GOD'S GONNALET 'EM INTO HEAVEN.

OKAY?

SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUNDEVERY NIGHT

KNOWING THATGOAL LINE DEFENSE

IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATESJUST GOING,

"YEAH.[cheers and applause]

YOU'RE NOT GETTINGIN HERE, [bleep]!"

[grunts]

[laughter and applause]

DO YOU REMEMBERTHE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN?

IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAMERUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL,

UH, AND, UH,SHE'D BE LIKE, "MOMMY,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAIDWHEN I GET OLDER

I CAN MARRY A PRINCESSIF I WANT TO."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?"

[laughter]

AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIAIS LIKE,

"WHOA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TOTALK TO OUR KIDS?

SORRY, QUEERS.NOPE."

YEAH.

THAT'S ESPERANZA'S JOB.

[cheers and applause]

SO I WANNA HIRETHE SAME LITTLE GIRL

TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR MEIN THE STATE OF UTAH,

AND I WANT HER TO COMERUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

HOW COME YOU'RENINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?"

YEAH.

BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH,AND THIS DOESN'T ADD UP.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,MOMMY--"

SHE'S CALLING OUTTO ALL OF HER MOTHERS.

AND THEY START COMINGOUT OF THE CABINETS

IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS

TRYING TO EXPLAINHOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE.

COMPARED TO WHO,THE AMISH?

AM I THE ONLY PERSONTHAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING

ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH?

[laughter]

ARE THEY NOTA CONSTANT REMINDER

OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE

WITHOUT ALL THISGREAT TECHNOLOGY?

EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACKAND CONSERVE

ON NATURAL RESOURCES,I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH

AND I'M LIKE,"HO, HO, [bleep] THAT.

WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORDFULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.

APPARENTLY,BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.

DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHATI'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT

AT THIS POINT?

THE AMISH,THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE

THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.

THERE'S NO FIRE,BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.

I ASSUME THERE'SA HAMSTER IN THERE

LOSING HIS MIND.

IT'S NO SNUGGIE,BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.

YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT MEA SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.

HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU.I ENJOY IT.

[laughter]

YEAH. HUH.

I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.

FINALLY, A BLANKETTHAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,

I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE HAVINGA SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO

KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.

THE PERFECT PRESSURE.

WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIFT

IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED,WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE,

WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW ITCOMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES

AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.

THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.

WHERE THE HELL ISTHE REST OF MY GIFT?

YEAH.

YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS,OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE

AND RIPPING 3/4 OFYOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.

NOT BIG BEN.YEAH.

BEN SHOULDN'T BEIN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

[laughter and applause]

SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS,UH, BRETT FAVRE--

I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIMSO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.

BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEARTO PLAY A GAME.

"YEAH,I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."

"HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLDTHINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."

"YOU SAID $12 MILLION,RIGHT?

YEAH, THEY CAN GO[bleep] THEMSELVES."

[laughter and applause]

I WOULD NEVER QUIT,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?

HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGHTO BE A STARTER,

BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUPIN THE NFL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.

"UH, YEP,I'M GONNA DO THAT."

HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS?NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.

BUT HE COULD BEON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?ABOUT $850,000.

"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THATAS WELL.

I'LL PLAY FOREVER."

IT'D MAKE THE GAMEMORE ENJOYABLE

IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWEDTO RETIRE.

ATHLETESDON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.

SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLDRETURN A PUNT,

LIKE, "OH..."

HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,

HE DIES ON THE FIELDWITH SOME HONOR.

IS HOW HE WAS DECAPITATED.

IT WASA SUSPENSION ROLLER COASTER.

A YOUNG LADY,25 YEARS OLD,

HER LEGIS WHAT DECAPITATED HIM.

SHATTERED HER LEGIN OVER EIGHT PLACES.

SHE HAD TO HAVE THREE SURGERIESAND WEAR A CAST FOR OVER A YEAR.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER WORNA CAST OR NOT,

BUT EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHERWILL COME UP TO YOU

AND BE LIKE,"HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR LEG?"

[laughter]

SHE GETS TO BE LIKE,"I [bleep] PUNTED A GUY'S HEAD

"90 YARDS.YEAH.

TOP THAT, JANIKOWSKI."

OH, FINALLY A RAIDER REFERENCETHAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SUCKING.

[cheers and applause]

PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TOLD MEI HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?I ASSUME IT'S RELATIVE.

WHO ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO?CARROT TOP?

THEN, YEAH,I'M A LITTLE BLUE.

TO MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS,I'M TAME.

MY SISTER'S OFF THE CHARTS.

I PLAY PRACTICAL JOKESON HER CONSTANTLY, THOUGH.

I GOT HER SO GOODA FEW WEEKS AGO.

I REPLACED HER PEPPER SPRAYWITH SILLY STRING.

ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT,SHE GOT RAPED,

AND SHE CALLED METHE NEXT DAY,

GOING, "YOU SON OF A BITCH.

"YOU GOT ME SO GOOD.

"NO, NO, NO, NO,AS SOON

"AS I STARTED SPRAYING HIMIN THE FACE.

"I'M LIKE, 'DANIEL.

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