the epic finale of "Cupcake Wars".
What should we watch?
Uh, you wanna do a movie?
What time is it?
If we watch a 90 minute movie,I'd take an Ambien in an hour--
You wanna take a shower.
No, I'm not.
All right, whatever.
You wanna seewhat's on demand?
Yeah, what are the free ones?
(announcer) See it live with Pay-Per-View
from Time Warner Cable.
Catch Reese Witherspoon in "Squiggle Dumb Dumb".
Jim Carrey in "Holocaust Downs."
Oh, my God,can you mute it?
I'm going to kill myself.I'm trying.
All right, any of these--Do you like these?
Uh, what's "Lake Placid"?
Uh, "An enormous crocodile--"
No, no, no.
Read more descriptions.
"Kevin Kline is a single fatherrenovating a secret barn--"
"In 1950s Lebanon--"
Ooh, "Pitch Perfect"!
No.No, no, no.
We're not watching"Pitch Perfect" again.
You liked it.
No, I dealt with it.
Let's go tothe Showtime movies.
Oh, we have that documentaryon whale fracking.
It's like,the worst kind of fracking.
I think they found a worsefracking since they made that.
There's no way.I dunno, we knowwe're gonna watch it.
Like we're definitelywatching it.Right, okay.
So, just-- but tonight doesn'tfeel like the right night.All right, I agree.
We'll definitelywatch it.
We'll do something else.Yeah, just find something..
What about, uh,"Amore"?
No, I don't feellike hearing accents.
I think it's "Amor"."Amor".
"Paranormal Sexual Assault".No.
"The Decapitating"."The Frightening".
"The Hauntingof David Finklestein".
There's "Evil Dead".
No, I'm like,already scared all the time.
I really don't wantto add to that.
Someone told me it'snot actually not that scary.
It's more like justlight raping.
What's the description?
"'Evil Dead.'Captured in the woods,
"an injured girl is restrainedin a basement.
"Her father sets heron fire and shoots her dead.
Which is what she deserves."
No. I just want to relax.
He made a "Twilight"?
Why aren't you usingPage Down?
I'm using Page Down.Oh.
"The Darker the BerryThe Sweeter the Drank"?
You want to start a series?
I never saw "Carnivàle" on HBO.
I don't think I've seen that.
Are you serious?Yeah.
Tom Cruise is a strugglingflair bartender.
You never saw "Cocktail"?
Oh my God, it's so good,it's amazing.
No, that's it,we're watching it.
Well, no--We're watching it.
You've already seen it.Yeah, but I wantto watch you watch it.
Oh, it's so awesome.
We're watching it.Fine.
We're doing it.
You're gonna freak out.
Oh, my God.
(music plays on TV)
I feel like I'm remembering
they don't startbartending for, like,
10 minutes into the movie.
I'm just goingto fast forward to that.
But just the set-up, like,he's having a hard time.
Oh my God, this part.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
(man) You wanna see a cocktail menu?
(man 2) Uh, no.
I'm not drinking, thanks.
Yeah, he caught it.Okay.
So is that--Is that kind of the gist of it?
They just do tricks.
Like, so much-- They get intoso many shenanigans.
Oh, we need ice cream.
I'm going to goget some ice cream.
What--I'm gonna run out.
If you're going to be gone,I'll pause it.No, no, no, don't pause it.
Watch it.You-- Watch this.
You're gonna... watch it.
(man) Are these peanuts for everybody?
(man 2) Yeah.
(man) Oh wow, great bar.
♪ When I'm leave you're gonna long for me ♪
♪ When you longing for my kiss ♪
♪ You'll long for more than this ♪
♪ When I leave you'll long for me ♪
Your friends are really great.
Yesterday I tolda brief story with a point
and a definite ending.
What's happening to me?
(announcer)Feeling like less of a woman?
Lately I've beenarguing rationally
without bringing up some(bleep) from three years ago.
Am I dying?
(announcer)Losing what makes you feminine?
I saw a strange texton my boyfriend's cell phone
and I just trusted him.
I didn't freakthe (bleep) out.
(announcer)You might notjust be getting older.
You might have a conditioncalled Low Estrogen,
and it might be time to talkto your doctor about SandraGel.
SandraGel is a cream
you have to rub on your handsin an exaggerated way.
SandraGel increasesestrogen when used daily.
I just feel like if shereally cares about her friends,
like, she'll call themand it won't just be all about--
Are you listening to me?
(announcer)In clinical study,
women who used SandraGelimmediately reported
an increasein unfounded suspicions,
crying at work,
and dishing it out withoutbeing able to take it.
Can you give mesome space, please?
(announcer)Serious side effects include
vaginal worseningand stigmata.
Why is your cell phonehave a code?
What do you need a code for?
is an even greater "The Nurses."
Welcome to "The Nurses,"
the show that you watch whileyou're waiting for the doctors.
I know whatyou're all thinking.
You want to see the doctorsright away,
but you're just going to haveto settle for the unsung heroes
up here who doall the real work.
And don't worry, we know morethan the doctors, okay?
If you don't have a fever
and you blow your noseand it's clear, you're fine.
Because doctors can bevery unapproachable.
It's like, we get it,Your Grace.
You're super busy.
And we're not busy?Please.
Don't give us any attitude.
If you are rude,we're rude.
We'll give it right back to you.
(audience claps)Thank you.
Okay, let's take a questionfrom the studio audience.
Yeah, thanks, hi.
I've been toldthat my cholesterol is--
Step on the scale, please.
Uh, you want meto remove my shoes?
(all)It doesn't matter.
My cholesterol is too high.
What can I doto address this issue?
I guess,like, Google it?
You know what,you gotta wash your hands.
And wash them longerthan you think, okay?
Two "Happy Birthdays."
A doctor would say thatmy cholesterol is connected
to washing my hands?
I'll tell you what a doctorwould say.
"Blah, blah, I want to bangevery pharmaceutical rep
that walks through my officedoor in a pencil skirt. Blah."
That's what a doctor would say.(audience claps)
It's like, I wearpencil skirts, you know?
I wear 'em all the time,
and I can't even Dr. Rosento look at me.
Okay, this isn't reallythe time for that.
Here.Piss in this.
Do you want me to leave it inthe bathroom or bring it out?
I can't today.I can't.
Okay, we are getting a lotof questions about
keeping your doodies regular.
Mm-hmm,Here's what I do:
Coffee and a cigarette.
Boom, like clockwork every day.
Easy, thank you.(audience claps)
Oh, you guys.
A cookie cake!Yeah.
We know you love cookie cake.
Everyone owes me $3.
I'm actually notgoing to have any.
Even if you're notgonna have any.
It's a party, okay?
Yeah, I have a questionabout prescriptions?
Sir, we will call youwhen we're ready for you.
Okay? I did notforget about you.
We're ready for you now.
Even though we'retechnically still on break.
What's your emergency question?
My question is aboutprescriptions.
Step on the scale.
Is she talking to the air?Step on it.
My legs are cut off!
Someone, please,call the doctors!
Call the doctors!
Uh.He's gonna die on television!
Someone get a doctor!
Look at his legs!
It's in half!
Both legs are in half!
Oh, what a shocker.
Well, can somebody go find him?
but it looks like that'sthe last time that bear
will be going to Whole Foods.
I hope you'reright about that, Fleet.
Oh, they're having a bearof a time though, aren't they?
I can hardly bear it.
Everyone's talking aboutthe record-setting cold
we've beenexperiencing this winter
with temperatures droppinginto the single digits.
We went to Central Park
to talk to people abouthow they're coping.
Well, it's been so cold,it's just hard to do everything.
Well, not everything.
Seth, shut up.
What an adorablycold couple.
Certainly looks likethey're going to be
keeping each other warm,huh, Am?
Rob, can we see thoselast two people again?
Is something wrong, Amy?
Just show thosepeople again, please.
It's just hardto do everything.
Well, not everything.
Okay,that's my boyfriend.
What? I thought you wereon a break.
You sent out that emailyou were on a break.
Well, he's obviouslynot taking a break.
We're still live, Am.He's not on break.
Still live.Okay, sorry about that.
In Washington Heightsthis morning,
a gruesome discovery.
An elderly woman was foundbrutally murdered in her--
Is she hotter than me?
What?Amy, get it together.
Is she hotter than me?
It's a simple question, folks.
We're gonna-- we'll takeyour answers on Twitter.
Was that--In her apartment.
She was brutally murderedin her apartment.
Back to you, Fleet.
A candlelight vigil isbeing held at the United Nations
tonight in honor of--I mean, she's Asian,
but she wasn't even, like,a hot Asian.
I mean, she may as wellnot have even been Asian--
Five teenagers tonightare being accusedWas she Taiwanese or something?
of a hate crimeafter they were caught
spray-painting swastikasI mean, look at this.
in the parking lotof a local Chipotle...Look at this text.
All of them are studentsat the local high school...He sent this noteven a week ago.
How many exclamation pointsis he gonna put?
... where the teachersaid they had a history
of disruptive behavior.Look at this.
Principal John Robbins saysthat the school will beLook at this-- Are we...
instituting new classesthat teach tolerance.Really, we're on a break.
In other news,
Madison Square Garden will beundergoing renovations...
Pick up the phone,(bleep).
Pick up the phone.... this summer.
Yeah, I just saw you!
MSG officials have saidthe renovations are necessaryI just saw you on my news.
to accommodateincreasingly elaborateMy news!
live musical performances,Yes!
many of which now includepyrotechnicsOh, you need time towork on your music.
and detailedmultimedia presentations.You weren'ttrying to miss me?
You're sofull of (bleep)!
They'll also be increasingthe venue's capacityBecause you are (bleep)!
From 20,000 to 22,000.Your dick is garbage,do you hear me?
Mayor de Blasiowelcomed the newsI'm gonna find you,mother(bleep).
calling Madison Square Gardenthe heart of Midtown.
Bob! Am I the only(bleep) one here?
Can't you wranglethis (bleep)?