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Russell Brand in New York City

  • 03/08/2009
  • views: 497

Russell Brand shares some of the unexpected pleasures and awkward moments he experiences as a celebrity. (42:34)

RIGHT?

KANYE WEST WAS PERFORMINGAT THE AWARDS.

EVEN THOUGH PREVIOUSLY HE SAIDHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

THIS WAS THE LINK TO INTRODUCEHIM FOR HIS PERFORMANCE

AT THIS YEAR'S MTV VMA AWARDS.

[clears throat]

"I'VE JUST HEARD THAT GEORGEBUSH IS MAKING HIS WAY DOWN

"TO LOUISIANA TO MEET VICTIMSOF HURRICANE GUSTAV.

"HE'S DOING THIS,MAINLY SO HE DOESN'T

"PISS KANYE WEST OFF AGAIN.

"MTV PISSED KANYE OFFAT THESE AWARDS LAST YEAR.

"AND KANYE REFUSED TO EVER WORKWITH MTV AGAIN,

"EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

"WOW, THAT'S ADMIRABLE.

"WHAT RESOLUTIONAND INCREDIBLE RESOLVE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,PLEASE WELCOME KANYE WEST!"

[cheers and applause]

[softly]"YEAH, WE'RE NOT GOINGTO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT.

SO THAT'S GOT TO GO."

THEN THERE WAS A BIT.I SAID--RIGHT.

I SAID SOME THINGS ABOUT, UH,THE JONAS BROTHERS, RIGHT?

[cheers and applause]

I SAID SOME STUFFABOUT THEIR PROMISE RINGS.

AND JORDIN SPARKS,WHOSE NAME I CAN NEVER

FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING.

JORDIN SPARKS,SHE WON A TALENT CONTEST.

SHE CAME OUT, RIGHT?

[laughter]

SHE COME OUT AND GOES,

[as Jordin]"UH, YEAH, UM,I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY

"THAT, UH, YOU SHOULDN'T MOCKPROMISE RINGS,

BECAUSE NOT EVERYBODYWANTS TO BE A SLUT."

THEREBY CONDEMNING EVERYONEWHO HAS SEX EVER.

THEY'RE SORT OF PROSTITUTES.

HEH.

"AW, PLEASE CAN WE HAVE SEX?WE REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER."

SAVE IT FOR JESUS.

[cheers and applause]

BUT IT WAS GOOD IN A WAY,'CAUSE IT MEANT

THAT A LITTLE BIT OF OUR SCRIPTSUDDENLY BECAME USEFUL

BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE A RIPOSTETO JORDIN'S REMARKS.

AND HERE WASTHAT BIT OF THE SCRIPT, RIGHT.

[clears throat]

"HEY, I'M ONLY JOKINGABOUT THE JONAS BROTHERS.

"SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO PISS OFFANY TEENAGED FANS.

"QUITE THE OPPOSITE.

"BY OPPOSITE, I DON'T MEAN

I WANT TO PISS ONANY TEENAGE FANS.

"I KNOW YOU'VE HAD A BITOF TROUBLE

"WITH THAT A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.R. KELLY."

RIGHT?

[laughter]

"I CAN SEE HOW IT HAPPENS,THOUGH.

"KID COMES UP TO YOUWANTING AN AUTOGRAPH.

"YOU REMEMBER WHAT FUN IT ISTO WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE SNOW.

SUDDENLY THERE'SA COURT CASE."

[laughter]

YOU KNOW,WE'VE HAD A LOVELY EVENING.

WHAT WONDERFUL GIGWE'VE HAD, YOU KNOW?

AND I ALWAYS THINK--

I CRAVETHE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME,

THE BEST POSSIBLE ANECDOTE,RIGHT?

AND SAY SOMEONELATER ON MAY SAY TO YOU,

"OH, YOU WENT AND SAWRUSSELL BRAND.

HOW WAS THAT GIG?"

YOU MAY SAY,"YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

A BIT WORDY."

[laughter]

OR YOU MAY RESPOND,

"RUSSELL BRAND, PFFT,MORE THAN A COMIC.

"HE'S A PROPHET,A POET, A GENIUS,

THE LEADEROF THE REVOLUTION."

BUT I DON'T WANT TO PUT WORDSIN YOUR MOUTH.

NOT WHEN GOD GAVE ME THIS.

[cheering]

BUT A MORE INTERESTINGANECDOTE, I BELIEVE,

WOULD BE THIS ONE.

WHAT IF SOMEONE WENT,"OH, YOU SAW RUSSELL BRAND.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE?"

AND YOU WENT, "YES, GOOD,HE'S FUNNY AND EVERYTHING.

"EVERYTHING ONE WOULD ANTICIPATEFROM SUCH A SITUATION.

"BUT THEN TOWARDSTHE END OF THE EVENING,

"AT RUSSELL'S BEHEST,

"SUDDENLY THE ROOMWAS DARKENED, BLACKNESS.

"ALL THE LIGHTS WENT OUT,ALL OF THEM.

"IT WAS JUST COMPLETE DARKNESSEVERYWHERE,

"EVERYWHERE THROUGHOUT.

"AND THEN WE ALLJUST TOOK OUR CLOTHES OFF

AND FUCKED EACH OTHER."

[laughter and cheering]

"IT WAS CHAOS IN THERE.

"WE SURFEDOUT OF THAT THEATER

ONTO FIFTH AVENUEON A RIVER OF SPERM."

[laughter]

WE COULD DO THAT.

WE COULD LITERALLY DO THAT.

THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST IT.

THERE'S ONE LAW,INDECENT EXPOSURE,

BUT ON THIS SCALE,

HOW CAN IT BE POLICED?

[laughter]

I SUPPOSEA MORE REALISTIC OBSTACLE

IS THE FACT THATSOME OF YOU MAY BE HERE

WITH MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY.

AND NOTHING RUINS AN ORGY

LIKE BUMPINGINTO YOUR OWN MOM.

I ALLOWED MESELF

TO, UH, BE SEDUCED INTO HOSTINGTHE MTV VMA AWARDS.

[cheers and applause]

WELL THANKS, BUT I WISH YOU'DBEEN THERE ON THE NIGHT.

I COULD'VE DONE WITH YOU.

IT WERE QUIET IN THERE.

INTELLIGENTLY, MTV TRIEDTO ALIGN ME

TO EXISTING AMERICANCELEBRITIES TO MAKE ME

SEEM MORE AUTHENTICATED.

SO I DID, LIKE, SOME PROMOTIONALWORK WITH AMERICAN STARS.

LIKE THE UBERFAMOUSBRITNEY SPEARS.

WHOO!YES.

DIFFICULT THOUGH--THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

IT'S DIFFICULT TO MEET SOMEONE

WHEN YOU'VEALREADY SEEN THEIR VAGINA.

[laughter]

[applause]

WHERE DO YOU GO?

"HELLO.OH, AND YOU, AS WELL."

[laughter]

AND I'M LOVELY TO HER, 'CAUSESHE'S A LOVELY, LOVELY WOMAN.

DEAD SWEET.

BUT THE PROMOTIONAL CAMPAIGNWAS FLAWED

IN THAT THEY DECIDEDTO PROMOTE ME AS ALL "EDGY."

"OOH, I'M EDGY."

BUT I DON'T WANT TO SAYANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO HER,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HURTHER FEELINGS.

BUT HOW CAN I BE ALL EDGYAND NOT MENTION ALL THE THINGS

THAT HAPPENED TO HERTHAT YEAR?

BUT I CAN'T MENTION--I CAN'T GO--

'CAUSE ALL YOU WANTTO SAY--

IF YOU'RE IN A ROOM WITHBRITNEY SPEARS, YOU WANT TO GO,

"WHAT'D YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR,LOVE?

"WHAT'D YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR?WHY, WHAT WAS YOU THINKING?

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING,WAS IT A STATEMENT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?TELL US."

BUT YOU DON'T SAY NOTHINGLIKE THAT

'CAUSE IT MIGHT UPSET HER.

AND SHE'S ALL LOVELY,AND A HUMAN BEING, AND A PERSON.

SO I WAS EXPLAINING TOTHE MTV PROMOTIONAL EXECUTIVES

THAT IT WOULD BE A BIT DIFFICULTFOR ME.

I SAID, "YOU KNOW, COME ON.

"IT'S GOING TO BE A BITDIFFICULT LIKE, NOT BEING ABLE

"TO MENTION ALL THOSE THINGSTHAT HAVE HAPPENED TO BRITNEY.

"DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S GOINGTO BE A LITTLE BIT

OF AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?"

RIGHT?

AND AN MTV EXECUTIVE,TO HIS ETERNAL CREDIT, SAID,

[as businessman]"WHAT IF THERE WAS LITERALLYAN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?"

[cheers and applause]

[as himself]"WHAT, LIKE--WHAT,A REAL ELEPHANT?"

[as businessman]"WELL, YEAH, SURE."

[as himself]"WHAT, YOU KNOWWHERE TO GET AN ELEPHANT?"

[as businessman]"I CAN LOCATE AN ELEPHANT."

[as himself]"SO I'M GOING TO MEETAN ELEPHANT?"

[as businessman]"ABSOLUTELY."

IT WAS AT THAT POINT THAT ISTOPPED THINKING LIKE AN ADULT.

THERE'S GOINGTO BE AN ELEPHANT HERE?!

[laughter]

CAN I TOUCH IT?CAN I KISS HIM?

CAN I TOUCH HIM ON THE TRUNK?

DO THEY REALLY NEVER FORGET?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, SO AN ELEPHANT.

THEY GOT AN ACTUAL ELEPHANT.AND IT WAS EXCITING.

BECAUSE, LIKE--RIGHT,BRITNEY SPEARS, SHE'S THERE,

BUT THERE'S AN ELEPHANT THERE.

AND I'VE MET LOADS OF POP STARSIN MY LIFE.

I AIN'T EVER MET AN ELEPHANTBEFORE.

[laughter]

AND I SORT OF LOOKEDINTO ITS TIMELESS EYES,

LIKE CORRIDORS INTO PRE-HISTORY.

SOMEHOW UNJUDGMENTAL,BUT KNOWING ALL.

AN INNOCENCE, A POIGNANCY,A BEAUTY.

SOMEHOW, ALL CAN BE RESOLVEDAND ABSOLVED WITHIN THEM EYES.

BY THE WAY, A GIRL ELEPHANT,RIGHT?

AND AT ONE BIT IT SORT OF WENT,AS THEY DO IN CARTOONS,

"UUUGH!"

LIKE THAT.AND I SAW ITS VAGINA.

[laughter]

BIG ELEPHANT VAGINA, JUST THERE.

AND THEN IT'S, LIKE,BRITNEY OVER THERE.

AND IT'S ALL...

"CAN ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM

BE DISCREETABOUT THEIR VAGINAS?"

SOME OF YOU,UH,

IF YOU'RE ADULT, HUMAN,SINGLE FEMALES,

YOU MIGHT FIND MEREALLY SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.

YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

"OH, I'D LOVETO HAVE SEX WITH RUSSELL,

"BUT, YOU KNOW, HE'SSO FAMOUS IN ENGLAND I HEAR.

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

YOU PROBABLY ARE.

[laughter and applause]

GIVE IT A GO.

TRY IT.

I DO PREFER THREESOMES.

NOT BECAUSE I'M A CYNICAL MANWHO CAN'T COPE WITH INTIMACY.

BUT BECAUSE,AS I'VE EXPLAINED,

I'M LOOKING FOR THE ONE,SALVATION,

MY OWN PERSONAL JESUS.

AND I THINK IF I AUDITION WOMENTWO AT A TIME,

I'LL FIND HER QUICKER.

[laughter]

I DID HAVE A THREESOMEWITH A MATE ONCE,

WITH ME MATE,ME MATE MATT ACTUALLY.

WE HAD A THREESOMEWITH A GIRL, RIGHT?

AND, LIKE, UH,RIGHT, IT WAS NICE.

WE HADA REALLY LOVELY EVENING,

EVERYONE INVOLVED, RIGHT.

BUT I ACCIDENTALLY,KEY WORD,

GOT A LITTLE BIT,KEY PHRASE--

I ACCIDENTALLY GOTA LITTLE BIT OF SPERM

ON MATT'S LEG.

AND MATT,IN THE MOST CHILDISH ACT

OF TIT-FOR-TATRETALIATION

IN HUMAN HISTORY,

WENT, "OH, [bleep],RUSSELL."

"AAH!"

CHASING ME LIKE HIS [bleep]WAS A SPUNKY WAR CANNON.

"AHH!"

MEANWHILE,THE GIRL JUST SAT THERE.

"OOH, BOYS."

SILLY EVENING.

[laughter]

AFTERWARDS, WHEN I COMEAND TALK TO YOU ALL,

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN,BE SURE WHEN YOU APPROACH ME,

YOU MIGHT,"OH, I WANT TO HAVE SEX."

BE SURE IT IS SEX YOU WANT

AND NOT AN AUTOGRAPH.

THERE SEEMS TO BESOME CONFUSION.

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX.I WANT TO HAVE SEX."

BUT WHEN THEY GET THERE,WHAT THEY WANT'S AN AUTOGRAPH.

YOU KNOW, AND BY THENI'M WORKED UP, YOU KNOW?

"YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOUAN AUTOGRAPH.

ACROSS THE WALLOF YOUR UTERUS IN SPERM."

GOOD FOR HER, RIGHT?LOVELY THE GIRL, AS THEY SAY.

AND LIKE, BUT,WELL IT WAS WEIRD, RIGHT?

SHE WASON THAT STAGE THREE TIMES.

AND EACH TIME,SHE GAVE, LIKE, THE SAME SPEECH.

"I WANT TO THANKMY FAMILY.

"I WANT TO THANKTHE RECORD COMPANY.

I WANT TO THANKGOD."

INTERESTING TO ME,THE RELENTLESS GRATITUDE TO GOD.

BECAUSE I, MYSELF,BELIEVE IN GOD.

RIGHT?

BUT I KIND OF THINKIT'S A COMPLEX IDEA.

GOD, YOU KNOW.

AND IF THERE IS AN OMNIPOTENT,OMNISCIENT BEING

CONTROLLING ALL,FROM THE INFINITESIMALLY SMALL,

TO THE INCONCEIVABLY LARGE...

I DON'T RECKON HE CARES WHATHAPPENS AT THE MTV VMA AWARDS.

[cheers and applause]

"OOH...

"OOH, WHAT'S THAT?

"THE VMA AWARDS IS ON,THAT'S LOVELY.

"OH, LIL WAYNE'S WON SOMETHING.

"NO, NO, NO.THANK YOU, LIL WAYNE."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

ANYHOW, IT MADE MEMUCH MORE FAMOUS.

DIDN'T FULFILL THE GAPING VOIDWITHIN THE OLD SOUL.

OF COURSE NOT, BUT DIDMAKE ME A LITTLE MORE NOTORIOUS

IN THIS COUNTRY.

IN FACT, DURING THE WEEKOF THE MTV VMA AWARDS,

I, ME, RUSSELL, WAS THE FIFTHMOST GOOGLED THING IN THE WORLD.

RIGHT? CHECK THIS OUT. WHOO!

THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE APPLAUSE,I HEAR IT IN MY HEAD CONSTANTLY.

[applause]

CHECK IT OUT, RIGHT.

SO THE WEEK OF THE VMA'S,"FIFTH MOST GOOGLED THING

IN THE WORLD: RUSSELL BRAND."

THAT'S ME.CHECK THIS OUT.

"SEVENTH MOST GOOGLED THINGIN THE WORLD, VMA HOST."

THAT'S ME.RIGHT.

CHECK THIS OUT BEFORE--HOLD ON TO YOUR ACTS NOW, KIDS.

RIGHT.

"37th MOST GOOGLED THINGIN THE WORLD: RUSSELL BROWN."

I'M GOING TO HAVE THAT AS WELL.

"AH, RIGHT, I'LL JUST HAVE A BITOF A LAUGH,

"AND NOT CAUSE ANY BOTHER.

IT'LL BE LIKEA LIGHT-HEARTED ROMP."

WHAT ENSUED WAS A BLOODBATH.

[laughter]

ME AND MATT, ME MATE,WE'RE ALL RIGHT.

WE WANT TO DO STUFFLIKE TELLY.

WE HAD THIS LITTLE BOOTHBACKSTAGE.

WE WAS IN THERE WRITINGJUST ON OUR OWN.

LIKE, WE HAVE THE SCRIPTALL STRAIGHT AND NICE.

AH, THAT'S GOOD.WE'RE WELL-PREPARED.

THEN THE OPENING LINK WAS THIS:

[clears throat]

"AS A AMBASSADOR FOR THE RESTOF THE WORLD,

"I WOULD LIKE TO URGE YOU,THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA,

TO VOTE BARACK OBAMAFOR YOUR PRESIDENT."

RIGHT?

[cheers and applause]

AGAIN, WISH YOUCOULD'VE BEEN THERE.

[laughter]

I CONTINUED.

"A LOT OF PEOPLE, 'RACISTS'I THINK THEY'RE CALLED,

"SAY AMERICA IS NOT READYFOR A BLACK PRESIDENT.

"BUT I KNOW AMERICATO BE A LIBERAL,

"FORWARD-THINKING COUNTRY.

"AFTER ALL, YOU'VE HADTHAT RETARDED COWBOY FELLOW

"IN THE WHITE HOUSEFOR EIGHT YEARS.

[cheers and applause]

"WE WERE ALL VERY IMPRESSEDWITH THAT IN EUROPE.

"'IT'S NICE TO LET HIMHAVE A TURN,' WE THOUGHT.

[laughter]

"IN MY COUNTRY,HE WOULDN'T BE TRUSTED

WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS."

[cheers and applause]

SO, RIGHT, I SAIDTHAT PERFECTLY INOFFENSIVE

BIT-OF-A-LAUGH JOKE

AND LOOKED OUT INTO A SEAOF BLANK FACES

OF BILLIONAIRE RECORDEXECUTIVES.

AND THEN I HADTO GO BACKSTAGE AND GO,

[sighs]"YEAH, MATT, THIS--THIS AIN'T WORKING AT ALL WELL.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT."

RIGHT?

AND THEN WE REALIZEDAT THAT POINT,

THAT WHAT PREVIOUSLYWE HAD PRESUMED TO BE A SCRIPT

WAS ACTUALLY A LITANYOF CRUEL AND INCENDIARY INSULTS.

[laughter]

THERE WAS NO WAY, THOUGH,I COULD'VE SAID THE THINGS

THAT WE'D WRITTENIN THAT SCRIPT.

THEY WERE TOO OFFENSIVE,TOO RUDE--

IT WOULD'VE CAUSED METOO MUCH TROUBLE.

I COULDN'T SAY IT THEN.

BUT I CAN SAY IT NOW.

I'M NOT FAMOUS IN HAWAII,RIGHT?

SO IT MAKES IT HARDER

TO CHAT UP WOMEN.

WHEN YOU'RE FAMOUS,

CHATTING UP WOMENGETS A LOT EASIER.

I'VE MANAGED TO ABBREVIATETHE PROCESS OF SEDUCTION

TO A GESTURE NOW.

HMM?

[laughter and applause]

AND MILA KUNISWAS ON THAT ISLAND,

IN THE FILM,AND I FANCIED HER.

SHE IS SORT OF MY TYPE,

WHICH IS, WELL,IT'S NOT REALLY THAT SPECIFIC.

I KINDA LIKE WOMENAGED BETWEEN 18

AND DEATH.

[laughter]

AND I WON'T BE PUSHEDON THAT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCHYOU TART UP A CORPSE.

[laughter]

YOU COULD BE THE WORLD'SFINEST EMBALMIST,

I WOULD NOT BE SWAYED.

[laughter]

YEAH, SO I TRIED

TO CHAT HER UP A BIT,MILA KUNIS.

THOUGHT I MIGHT FIND SALVATIONTHROUGH LOVE,

A BIT OF REDEMPTION,YOU KNOW.

IN THE SECULAR AGE,THERE IS NO GOD.

TRY AND SAVE YOURSELFTHROUGH LOVE.

"ALL RIGHT, HELLO, MILA KUNIS.HOW ARE YOU?"

NOT VERY GOOD THAT,IS IT?

IT'S NOT INTERESTINGFOR MILA KUNIS TO LISTEN TO IT.

[as Mila]"OH, YEAH, HI,MY BOYFRIEND'S COMING,

"MY BOYFRIEND MAC.

HE'S COMING TO THE ISLAND,MY BOYFRIEND MAC."

RIGHT, IT'S LIKE,

HOW LONG IS IT POLITE

TO PRETEND TO CONTINUETO LISTEN TO SOMEONE

AFTER THEY'VE REVEALEDTHEY'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND?

[laughter]

I THINK 11 SECONDS.

"RIGHT, I GOT TO GO."

SOME PEOPLEWILL BE SURPRISED

I WAS CHATTING UPMILA KUNIS AT ALL

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE SEEMTO THINK I'M GAY, I NOTICE.

I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OUTTHAT I'M NOT GAY.

I JUST DRESSINCREDIBLY WELL

AND HAVEA WONDERFUL HAIRCUT.

AND I'M QUITE VULNERABLEAND SENSITIVE,

SO WOMEN TRUST MEAND FEEL SAFE AROUND ME.

THEN BANG, PREGNANT.BANG, PREGNANT.

BANG, PREGNANT.

ANOTHER GENERATION.

PATRICK, AKA "BULLY DEFENDER."

NICE OF HIM TO INCLUDE AN ALIAS.

LIKE A SUPERHERO.

LIKE SUPERMAN, A BIT.

HOLD IT ON, IF BULLY DEFENDERWAS WEARING GLASSES,

WOULDN'T HE JUST BE PATRICK?

"SCREW YOU, RUSSELL!

"STICK TO U.K. POLITICS,AND KEEP OUT OF U.S. POLITICS.

I LIKE THAT HE SEEMS TO THINK

THAT I'M A KIND OFERRANT POLITICAL TV BROADCASTER.

THAT I'M LARRY KING,RUNNING AMOK.

[laughter]

JUST FOR CLARITY, I DON'T THINKTHAT THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT'S

REALLY GOOD, OR ANYTHING.

I THINKTHEY'RE ALL JUST IDIOTS.

[laughter]

"STICK TO FIGURING OUTYOUR OWN PATHETIC GOVERNMENT

AND YOUR PRECIOUS QUEEN!"

RIGHT, YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINETHERE.

[cheers and applause]

BULLY DEFENDER...

IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME,WHICH I DOUBT.

YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU LIKEABOUT ME,

AND CONDEMN PARLIAMENT,IF YOU WISH,

BUT AT YOUR PERIL,YOU BESMIRCH THE NAME

OF ELIZABETH WINDSOR!

I'LL SLICE YOUFROM NAPE TO CHOPS!

I DON'T CAREABOUT THE QUEEN EITHER.

SHE'S JUST A LITTLE OL' LADYIN A SHINY HAT.

[laughter]

CHIEF AMONGTHE DEATH THREATENERS,

IN MY MIND, AT LEAST.

ALONE, THE APOTHEOSISOF THE DEATH THREATENER

STANDS ONE MAN.

AND THAT MAN IS "WHITE BOY."

[laughter]

BECAUSE "WHITE BOY," ALONEAMONG THE DEATH THREATENERS,

PUT A SUBJECT HEADINGFOR HIS DEATH THREAT EMAIL.

"WHITE BOY" IS NOT A MANTHAT WRITES A DEATH THREAT

IF HE'S NOT 100% SURETHAT IT'S GOING TO BE READ.

HE AIN'T GOING TO TAKE THE TIMEOUT FROM HIS BUSY SCHEDULE

OF CRYSTAL METH ADDICTIONAND RACISM...

[laughter]

TO WRITE A DEATH THREAT,

UNLESS HE KNOWSIT'S GOING TO HIT HOME.

REMEMBER...

WHEN I EMPHASIZE IT WITH VOLUME,THAT MEANS IT'S IN CAPITALS.

[laughter]

[yelling]"FUCK RUSSELL BRAND.

"AND HE'S GOINGTO FUCK OUT MY COUNTRY.

"HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE.A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

GO HOME, BITCH BOY!"

[cheers and applause]

OPEN.

[cheers and applause]

YOU HAD ME AT "BITCH BOY."

OF THE VMA'SWERE UTTERLY ENAMORED.

NOT IF THE DEATH THREATSARE ANYTHING TO GO BY.

I DO THINK, THOUGH--AND THANKSFOR THE SYMPATHY IN THAT

'CAUSE SYMPATHYCAN USUALLY BE CONVERTED

INTO FELLATIO VERY QUICKLY.

[laughter]

AN ANONYMOUS DEATH THREAT?WHY--HOW'D YOU GET THAT RILED?

FOR SOMETHING ON THE TELLY?

"THAT I DIDN'T FEEL--UGH...

"I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS.

"I'M REALLY NOT ENJOYING IT.

"I DON'T LIKE HIM.

"I DON'T LIKE HIM AT ALL!

I'M GOING TO KILL HIM."

[laughter]

WHAT'S THE TIPPING POINT?

SILLY.

TURN OVER.

OR EVEN TURN IT DOWN,OR LOOK OVER THERE.

SO MANY OPTIONS.

TAKE MURDERA BIT MORE SERIOUSLY.

[laughter]

HERE'S A SELECTIONOF MY FAVORITE DEATH THREATS.

THIS IS GOOD.

THIS ONE'S FROM "YANKEE."

WHAT WILL BE HIS PERSUASION?

[angrily]"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

[laughter]

"WHO THE FUCKDO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

I'M RUSSELL!

[cheers and applause]

"WHY DON'T YOU DROP DEADAND DIE?"

WELL, THAT'SACTUALLY A TAUTOLOGY.

UM...ONCE YOU'VE DROPPED DEAD,YOU CAN'T THEN DIE.

UNLESS "YANKEE" IS A HINDU ANDHE BELIEVES IN REINCARNATION.

RIGHT, DROP DEAD!

NOW COME BACK AS A MOUSE.

NOW DIE A MOUSE DEATH!

[high-pitched voice]DIE A MOUSE DEATH.DIE A MUSINE DEATH.

TOO MUCH CHEESE.

[laughter]

I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE MEANT.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE BIT.

WHEN I EMPHASIZE IT WITH VOLUME,THAT MEANS IT'S IN CAPITALS.

[laughter]

"I'LL NEVER VOTE FOR OBAMA! EVER!

[laughter and applause]

I LIKE THAT, RIGHT,BECAUSE IT'S AS IF,

BETWEEN WHEN HE WROTE "NEVERVOTE FOR OBAMA, EVER,"

AS IF SOMEONE TRIED TO PERSUADEHIM AGAIN TO VOTE FOR OBAMA.

"I'LL NEVER VOTE FOR OBAMA--"

HE SAYS HE WON'T RAISE TAXESON THE MIDDLE CLASSES.

"EVER!"

"YOU LITTLE, UGLY,FUCKING CUNT.

"YOU NEED TO STAY THE FUCKOUT OF MY COUNTRY,

PUNK RUSSELL FAG BRAND."

PUNK RUSSELL FAG BRAND,HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

[cheers and applause]

"YOU MORE THAN LIKELY SUPPORTMUSLIMS THAT DESTROY THE WORLD."

BIT OF A LEAP.

[laughter]

I THINK WHAT I MEANT TO SAY,WHEN, DURING THE MTV VMA AWARDS

I IMPLIED THAT THEJONAS BROTHERS' CHASTITY RINGS

AND VIRGINITY, MIGHT, IN FACT,BE A CYNICAL MARKETING PLOY,

UTILIZING THE THEORIESOF MICHEL FOUCAULT,

WHO SAID THAT IN VICTORIANSOCIETY, THE REPRESSION

OF SEXUALITY WAS JUST ANOTHERWAY OF BRINGING SEXUALITY

TO THE FOREFRONTOF OUR CONSCIOUSNESSES.

IT'S A MARKETING TECHNIQUE.

BY SAYING THATTHE JONAS BROTHERS ARE VIRGINS,

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT THINKABOUT THEM HAVING SEX.

THE JONAS BROTHERSARE NOT HAVING SEX.

THE JONAS BROTHERSARE NOT HAVING SEX.

THE JONAS BROTHERSARE NOT HAVING SEX.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE LOOKINGAT THE RINGS ON THEIR FINGERS,

YOU'RE NOT WONDERING ABOUT WHERETHEM FINGERS AIN'T STRAYING.

[cheers and applause]

WHEN I SAID THAT,I THINK WHAT I MEANT WAS,

A JIHAD ON ALLTHE WORLD'S CHRISTIAN PEOPLE.

[cheers and applause]

HE CONTINUES...

[yelling]"FUCK YOU,AND THIS FUCKING FAT BRAND.

"AND GET A LIFE, BECAUSE YOU'RESO FUCKING UGLY.

"REALLY.NO, SHIT, YOU'RE FUGLY!"

HE'S FREESTYLING NOW.

[laughter]

I WAS SO MOVEDBY WHITE BOY'S LETTER

THAT I REPLIED TO IT.

[laughter]

"DEAR WHITE BOY,

"THANK YOUFOR YOUR TOUCHING LETTER.

"READING BETWEEN THE LINES,I ASSUME THIS

"TO BE A COVERT HOMOSEXUALADVANCE.

[laughter]

"WHICH I ACCEPT!

"YOURS SINCERELY, BITCH BOY."

FOR FREUD SAID,

"THE SEXUAL SELFIS THE ESSENTIAL SELF."

WHO YOU AREWHEN YOU'RE FUCKING,

THAT'S WHO YOU AREIN YOUR SOUL.

GOOD. BECAUSE I LIKE ME BETTERWHEN I'M HAVING IT OFF, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THE REST OF THE TIMEI'M A SORT OF

P.V.C., WILLY WONKA,

SCARECROW-ROBBED-A-BONDAGE-SHOPNITWIT BUM.

[laughter]

I FIND REALIZATIONTHROUGH COITUS.

THROUGH THE CONJUGAL,I AM ANGELIC SOMEHOW.

THE ONLY PROBLEMIS THE NAVIGATION

OF TWO VASTLY DIFFERENTPSYCHOLOGICAL STATES--

THE PRE-EJACULATORYMALE PSYCHOLOGY

AND THE POST-EJACULATORYMALE PSYCHOLOGY.

'CAUSE I'M A DIFFERENT PERSONAFTER I'VE CUM.

BEFORE I CUM, I'M KINDASAUCY, FILTHY, DIRTY,

ANIMAL-MAN THING, YOU KNOW?

I'M UP FOR IT.I'LL DO OUT.

"YEAH, LET'S GETLOST TOGETHER.

"LET'S BECOME ONE.WE ARE THE FLESH.

"TRY THE SEWING MACHINE,THE ANACONDA,

"AND INTRODUCING THE MATRIX.

"THEY'RE ALL THERE,YEAH.

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOUHEAR COLOR.

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOUSEE SOUND.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT.

AH, FUCK ME, FUCK ME.AH, AH."

THEN AFTER I CUM,IT'S LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD,WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

[laughter]

A SENSE OF PROFOUNDEXISTENTIAL ANGST,

A SENSE OF LOSS.

THE IDEA THAT SOMEHOWI'VE LET MY MOM DOWN.

[laughter]

DON'T THINK SHE'D CARE.

AND THAT IS WHYI AM BAFFLED

BY THE BRITISH PHENOMENAOF SEAGULLING.

SEAGULLING IS A CRAZE,

IF WE CAN CALL IT SUCH,

IN BRITISH SCHOOLS

WHERE POST, EVIDENTLY,ADOLESCENT BOYS,

POST-PUBESCENT BOYS,MASTURBATE

AND THEN EJACULATEINTO THEIR OWN CUPPED HAND,

GO UP TO A SCHOOL FRIENDOR A TEACHER

AND SAY, "SEAGULLING."

[laughter and applause]

NOW I'LL BETHE FIRST TO ADMIT

THAT THAT IS BAD MANNERS.

[laughter]

BUT THAT IS NOTWHAT INTRIGUES ME.

I AM INTRIGUEDBY THEIR ABILITY TO NAVIGATE

THESE UNDULATINGPSYCHOLOGICAL STATES.

HOW COULD A SCHOOLBOY

GET FROM THEPRE-EJACULATORY PSYCHOLOGY

TO THE POST?

SUCH A TUMULTUOUS,UNDULATING, UNSURE TERRAIN.

I CAN'T COPE WITH IT.

I'M A MAN.HE'S JUST A BOY.

HOW DO THEY DO THAT?

HOW CAN THEY COPEWITH THAT PROFOUND JOURNEY?

HOW CAN A BOY, A BOY,

BE MASTURBATING AND THINK,

"OH, OH, I'M GONNA CUM.

"ONE DAY I WILL DIE.

ARE THERE ANY, UH,ENGLISH PEOPLE HERE

THIS EVENING?

[cheers and applause]

HA-HA.

THANK YOU.

WHAT A LOVELY RESPONSE.

'CAUSE I'M NEVER SUREWHEN I ASK THAT QUESTION

OF ENGLISH PEOPLE, WHAT MANNEROF RESPONSE I'LL RECEIVE.

SOMETIMES AN ENGLISHMANWILL JUST DEMURELY

LIFT A HANDKERCHIEF.

YES, I'M ENGLISH.WHAT OF IT?

[laughter]

ENGLISH PEOPLE PRESENTWILL BE ABLE TO TESTIFY

THAT, UH, I'M FAMOUSIN ENGLAND.

[cheers and applause]

ADMITTEDLY, FAME DOESLOSE A LITTLE OF ITS CACHET

WHEN YOU HAVE TO TELL PEOPLETHAT YOU HAVE IT.

[laughter]

AND ENGLISH PEOPLE ALWAYS SAYTO ME, "AH, I BET YOU LOVE IT.

"IN AMERICA, NOT BEING FAMOUS,IT MUST BE A RELIEF.

DO YOU LOVE IT?"

I FUCKING HATE IT.

[laughter]

MY PERSONALITY DOESN'T WORKWITHOUT FAME.

WITHOUT FAME, THIS HAIRCUTJUST LOOKS LIKE MENTAL ILLNESS.

[laughter]

SO, YEAH, I HAVE TAKEN,AS A RESULT OF MY LACK OF FAME

IN YOUR COUNTRY, I'VE TAKENTO CARRYING A LAPTOP

AROUND WITH ME SO THAT ICAN CONTEXTUALIZE MYSELF BETTER

USING INTERNET CLIPSTO SHOW PEOPLE.

I'VE ONLY EVER GOOGLEDMY OWN NAME.

AS SOON AS I PUT IN "R",IT'S SORT OF, LIKE, BORED OF ME,

IT GOES, "RUSSELL BRAND."

IT JUST COMES UP STRAIGHT AWAY,"RUSSELL BRAND."

I DON'T LIKE GOOGLE'S ATTITUDE,IN GENERAL.

ACTUALLY, IT'SA LITTLE BIT SMUG, ISN'T IT?

LIKE, IF YOU MAKEONE LITTLE SPELLING MISTAKE,

"DIDN'T YOU MEAN?"

[laughter]

IN, LIKE, SARCASTIC ITALICS.

[mockingly]OH, DEAR.OH, YOU POOR LAMB!

DIDN'T YOU MEAN, "PSYCHOSOMATIC,NOT PSYCHOSEMETIC."

[laughter]

ANOTHER THINK I HAD TO DO WASSURFING.

THAT'S BLOODY HARD.

AND MADE ALL THE HARDERBY THE FACT

THAT THE PERSONTEACHING ME, MIKE,

WAS THE WORLD'SMOST VIGOROUSLY ALPHA MALE,

RIGHT?

AND WHEN I'M IN THE COMPANYOF PROPER ALPHA MEN,

I GO A BIT GAY.

[laughter]

MIKE WAS LUDICROUSLY ALPHA.

THE SEA WOULD INCARNADINE

WITH HIS TESTOSTERONE,RIGHT?

CHECK OUT HIS JOBS HE HAD.

HE USED TO BE IN THE AMERICANOLYMPIC WATER POLO TEAM.

PRETTY BUTCH.

BEFORE THAT, HE WASIN THE AMERICAN MARINE CORPS.

OH, DO YOU WANT TO BEANY MORE MACHO?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MIKE,WHY DON'T I JUST KNEEL DOWN

ON THE BEACH AND YOU COULDBEAT ME AROUND THE FACE

WITH YOUR ERECT COCK.

[making thud sounds]

[as himself]"AH, I CAN'T LEARN!"

I FELT ALL VULNERABLEIN THE SEA.

JUST THERE IN THE SEA,

AND LAYINGON THAT BLOODY THING,

I FELT ALL SCAREDAND BEHOLDEN TO HIM.

"MIKE, HELP ME, MIKE.

"MIKE, I'M DROWNING.I'M DROWNING.

COME SAVE ME,YOU BIG FUCKING MERMAN."

[laughter]

THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE SEENTHE FILM SARAH MARSHALL WILL GO,

"OH, I WONDER WHY RUSSELLHAD TO HAVE SURFING LESSONS

AS HE WASN'T SURFINGIN THE FILM."

THAT'S BECAUSEI'M SO RUBBISH AT SURFING

IT WAS STRUCKFROM THE RECORD AND DESTROYED.

THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT READ,"ALDOUS SNOW,

"PLAYED BY RUSSELL BRAND,

SURFS ACROSS THE OCEAN."

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY FILMED WAS,

"ALDOUS SNOW,PLAYED BY RUSSELL BRAND,

SITS MOTIONLESSON A SURFBOARD."

[laughter]

I'M AGAINST SURFING

BOTH IDEOLOGICALLY

AND SEMANTICALLY.

WHO, OTHER THANTHE HIGHLY ARROGANT,

WOULD LOOK AT THE OCEAN,

THE ENDLESS, TIMELESS,INFINITE OCEAN,

WHO WOULD LOOK AT ITIN ALL ITS POWER

AND ALL ITS INCREDIBLE POTENCYAND THINK,

"I WANT TO STAND ON THAT."

EVEN JESUSONLY DID IT ONCE.

TO MAKE A POINT.

HE WASN'T A SURFER.

JESUS DIDN'T GO BACK

TO THE SEA OF GALILEEEVERY WEEKEND.

"HEY, MAN.

"HANG TEN COMMANDMENTS.

WIPE OUT LEPROSY."

[laughter]

SEMANTICALLY MISLEADING.

I DON'T LIKE THINGS LIKE THAT.

SNOWBOARDING'S LIKE THAT,SEMANTICALLY MISLEADING.

SOMEONE MIGHT COME UPTO YOU AND GO,

"HEY, DO YOU WANTTO GO SNOWBOARDING?"

"SNOWBOARDING,"I ONCE THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

"YEAH, SNOWBOARDING."

THAT'S THE IMAGE.

"SNOWBOARDING, WHOOSH.

SNOWBOARDING, WHOO."

NOT "SNOWBOARDING, BRR."

NOT "SNOWBOARDING."

[laughter]

AND I DON'T LIKETHAT EVIL METAL THING

THAT THEY USE TO TAKE YOUBACK TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN

AFTER YOU'VEFALLEN DOWN IT.

[laughter]

I WAS TERRIFIED WHILEI WAS QUEUING UP FOR THAT.

ALL MY FRIENDS BLISSFUL,AND UNAWARE, AND CONFIDENT,

PLACING THE IRON BARBETWEEN THEIR THIGHS

LIKE AN ALUMINUM PHALLUS.

HAIR BLOWINGIN THE BREEZE.

LAUGHING IN THE FACEOF GRAVITY.

LAUGHING IN THE FACEOF GOD.

[laughs]

"WE MUST TELL GATSBYOF THIS DAY."

[laughter]

MEANWHILE, I STAND HERELIKE A CONDEMNED MAN,

MOVING EVER CLOSER,TRUDGING MY OWN GREEN MILE

AND KNOWING THATHERE COMES THE HORROR.

THEN SURE ENOUGH,IT GRABS MY GENITALS,

UPENDS ME,DRAGS ME THROUGH THE SNOW.

AHH!

WHILE LITTLEFRENCH SKI ROBOT CHILDREN,

ALL PERFECT ZIGZAG CYBORGS.

[imitating French children]

"FUCK YOU."

[cheers and applause]

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