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Allan Pinkerton protects President Lincoln from an assassination plot, Francis Scott Key writes "The Star Spangled Banner," and Edgar Allan Poe feuds with Rufus Griswold. (21:16)

PINKERTON GOES TO HIM, AND SAYS,

WE GOT TO GET YOU THE [bleep]OUT OF HERE

A DAY BEFORE THEY'REGONNA KILL YOU, SO--

HE TOOK OFF HIS LITTLEPOP-TART HAT,

OR WHATEVER THAT WAS.

UH, WHAT WAS IT CALLED?

A POP--POPEYE, POPEYE--

IT WAS A CALLED A...

HIS HAT, IT WAS A STOVEPIPE.

LINCOLN SAYS, SORRY, STOVEPIPE.

I GOT TO BE INCOGNITO.I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

THEY SNEAK HIM OUT TO THE TRAIN.

PEOPLE CAN SEE HIM,BUT THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S HIM,

BECAUSE HE'S WEARING A BEANIEAND A SHAWL.

KATE WARNE IS LIKE,

I NEED TO GET MY INVALID BROTHERINTO THE TRAIN.

THEY GET ON THE TRAIN.

"ZU-DI-DI-DOO, DI-DI-DOO."

LINCOLN IS ON A TRAIN INTO D.C.TO BECOME THE PRESIDENT.

SO PINKERTON HAD TO GET LINCOLN

THROUGH BALTIMORE EARLYTO GET TO D.C.

WITHOUT BEING KILLED,

BECAUSE THERE ARE ASSASSINSIN BALTIMORE

WAITING FOR LINCOLN TO SHOW UPAT, LIKE, NOON.

THEY GET TO PRESIDENT STATION,BALTIMORE, MARYLAND,

AT 3:30 IN THE MORNING.

AND THE CONDUCTOR'S LIKE,

WE HAVE TO STOP,

BECAUSE THERE'S A SOUNDORDINANCE.

PINKERTON'S LIKE,WHAT THE [bleep]?

THERE'S A [bleep]SOUND ORDINANCE?

WHAT THE [bleep]AM I GONNA DO?

OKAY.I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.

WE'LL GET SOME [bleep] HORSES.

[laughs]

SO THEY HOOK UP THIS TRAIN CARTO HORSES,

AND DRAG THE TRAIN CAR ONTHE TRACKS THROUGH BALTIMORE.

THEY GET TO CAMDEN STREETSTATION,

WHERE THEY'RE SUPPOSEDTO PICK UP

THE WASHINGTON-BOUND TRAIN.

NO TRAIN.TRAIN'S LATE.

SO THEY SAT THERE.

IT'S BASICALLYASSASSINS EVERYWHERE.

AND THEY COULD HEARPEOPLE SAYING,

THIS [bleep] LINCOLNIS A PIECE OF [bleep].

THE SOUTH WILL RISE.

PINKERTON'S LIKE,IF THESE GUYS FIND OUT

THAT WE'RE IN HEREWITH LINCOLN, WE'RE DEAD.

WE'RE ALL OF US DEAD.

YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR PANTIES.

[laughing]

NO, HE WOULD NOT HAVE--ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

THE WASHINGTON-BOUND TRAINFINALLY SHOWS UP.

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY,

A VERY PROMINENT LAWYERIN BALTIMORE

DURING THE 1812 WAR.

ONE NIGHT, HIS BROTHER-IN-LAWSHOWS UP, AND HE SAYS,

FRANCIS, THE HONORABLEDR. BEANES

HAS BEEN TAKEN CAPTIVE ONA BRITISH WARSHIP.

DR. BEANES IS A VERY UPSTANDINGMEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY.

HE HELPED EVERYBODY.[laughs]

- HE'S DR. BEANES.- HE'S DR. BEANES.

HE'S AMAZING.

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY GOESTO PRESIDENT JAMES MADISON,

WHO WAS THE PRESIDENTAT THE TIME.

HE SAYS, LISTEN, THE HONORABLEDR. BEANES HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.

PRESIDENT JAMES MADISON IS LIKE,

THE--IT'S LIKE A TERRIBLE--LIKE, YEAH.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU GOT TO DOSOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

[laughing]

AND SO HE HOOKS HIM UPWITH A GUY NAMED JA--

JOHN SKINNER,A PRISONER EXCHANGE AGENT.

AND THEY SET SAILTO THE BRITISH HEADQUARTERS,

WHICH IS A [bleep] BOAT.

UNDER THE CONTROLOF VICE "ADMIRABLE--"

UH, VICE "ADMIRABLE"--

UH, F--SORRY.

ADMIRAL A--OH, OKAY, LET'S BACK UP.

VICE ADMIRAL ALEXANDER COCHRANE.

MAN, I'M [bleep] DRUNK.

I GOT TO DRINK MORE.

THE BRITISH WINE THEM,AND THEY DINE THEM,

AND KEY AND SKINNERAND WERE LIKE,

YOU'VE GOT THIS FRAIL,OLD DOCTOR MAN

SITTING IN HIS CELLOR WHATEVER.

IT'S LIKE, LET THE GUY GO,YOU KNOW?

THEY MADE A REALLY GOOD CASE.

AND MAJOR GENERAL ROSS WAS LIKE,

SOUNDS GOOD.

LET'S LET DR. BEANES GO.

THEY WINED AND DINEDA LITTLE BIT MORE.

EVENTUALLY, KEY AND SKINNER HEARSOME BRITISH SOLDIERS SAYING,

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GONNA BEATTACKING BALTIMORE.

WE'RE GONNA BEATTACKING BALTIMORE.

AND THEY SAW MAPS AND PLANS

OF HOW THEY WERE GONNA DO IT.

COCHRANE TELLS KEY AND SKINNER,

YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.

HE AND SKINNER WERE HELDPRISONER FOR A FULL WEEK.

THEY WOULD TEASE THEMAND SAY THINGS LIKE,

HEY, I HOPE YOU TAKE A GOOD LOOKAT THAT FLAG OVER THERE,

BECAUSE, UM,IT'S NOT GONNA BE THERE.

'CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE GONE.

[laughs]SORRY.

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY IS THINKING--

LIKE, PEOPLE ARE, LIKE,SWEEPING THE STREETS,

AND MAYBE YOU'D FIND,LIKE, A CRUST OF BACON.

AND YOU'D EAT IT.

EDGAR ALLAN POE, HE'S ONEOF THE GREAT AMERICAN POETS.

COMPLETELY DISRESPECTEDBY EVERYONE

HE EVER CAME IN CONTACT WITH.

HE WAS ALWAYS BROKE.

AND HE CAME INTO CONTACTWITH A FELLOW

BY THE NAME OF RUFUS GRISWOLD.

SO GRISWOLD SAYS TO POE,

HEY, I'M MAKING THIS BOOK CALLED

THE POETS AND POETRY OF AMERICA.

SO GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR POEMS,

AND IF I LIKE 'EM,I'LL PUT 'EM IN.

HE KNOWS IF HE PUTS HIMIN THE BOOK,

THEN EDGAR ALLAN POE WILL BELIKELY TO WRITE A NICE REVIEW.

SO POE IS LIKE, OKAY,I'LL GIVE YOU SOME OF MY POEMS.

SO HERE'S MY POEMS.

SO BOOKS GET--BOOK GET--THE BOOK GETS PUBLISHED.

POE'S--THREE OF POE--POE'S POEMS ARE--ARE PRINTED.

GRISWOLD HAS PRINTED 50 POEMSBY ONE OF HIS FRIENDS.

50!

POE'S SITTING THERE WITHTHE BOOK IN FRONT OF HIM,

FLIPPING THROUGH THE BOOK.

FLIP, FLIP, FLIP, FLIP, FLIP.

WHAT THE [bleep]?

ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS?

THIS [bleep]SUCKER,HACK, LOSER, ASS[bleep]

HAS PUT ME IN THE VERY BACKOF THIS BOOK.

I'VE BEEN HORNSWOGGLEDBY A [bleep].

GRISWOLD COMES TO HIM,AND HE'S LIKE,

EDGAR, WHAT DO YOU SAYTHAT YOU WRITE

ONE OF YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWSOF MY BOOK?

AND I'LL GIVE YOUA-A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT.

IT'S BASICALLY BRIBERY.

AND POE'S LIKE,SURE, NO PROBLEM.

I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY, AND WRITEA REVIEW OF THIS--THIS BOOK.

NO PROBLEM.

NO [bleep] PROBLEM, RUFUS.

[laughing]

SO--SO HE--SO HE WRITESTHE REVIEW.

NOW, GRISWOLD HAS BEEN TELLINGHIS FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,

POE'S GONNA WRITETHIS GREAT REVIEW OF MY [bleep].

THEN HE--WHEN--WHEN HE READSTHE REVIEW THAT HE PAID FOR,

LIKE,NO ONE SHOULD READ THIS.

NONE OF THESE POETS ARE GONNA BEREMEMBERED EXCEPT FOR ME.

IT'S A WASTE OF TIMETO EVEN LOOK AT THIS THING.

ALL OF THIS IS CRAP.

EDGAR ALLAN POE.

HE'S LIKE, REALLY?

I GAVE YOU MONEY TO WRITEA [bleep] REVIEW

OF A BOOK OF POETRY THATI PUT YOU IN, YOU ASS[bleep].

GAME ON.

SO POE STARTS HEARINGTHAT GRISWOLD IS NOW, LIKE--

IS TALKING [bleep] ABOUT HIM.

SO HE GOES ON A TOUR OF AMERICA,

AND BEING LIKE,HEY, WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUTRUFUS GRISWOLD, RIGHT?

THE GUY WHO WROTE THIS [bleep][bleep] BOOK OF POETRY

WHERE HE ONLY PUTTHREE OF MY POEMS IN?

YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY?HE'S, LIKE, A HACK.

JUST, LIKE, A STEREOTYPICAL,BASIC,

BULL[bleep] ASS[bleep].

HE HAS NO TALENT AT ALL,

AND IF YOU GIVE GRISWOLDA HAND JOB,

HE'LL PUT 20 POEMSIN HIS [bleep] BOOK.

HE IS A VILE, HOLOGRAPHICPIECE OF [bleep].

HOLOGRAMS DON'T EVEN EXIST YET,

AND I'M CALLING HIMA [bleep] HOLOGRAM.

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