- Citizens of Eggmanland,
I am better than all of you,
and you love me for it!
[cheers and applause]
I come to you todaywith great news.
The future is bright.
The future is big.
The future's soft, warm,and cuddly.
There's nowhere elseyou wanna be but the future.
It's like resting in a valley
between two majestic mountains.
[cheers and applause]
You may ask,"Where is this great future,
and how do I get there?"
I'll send you a postcard.
♪ Gusto Gusto, gusto rules ♪
- Well, hello, my name is Crina.
I am loving sex.Are you over 18s?
- Um, yes.
- Good, you are big dick tallman American cowboy.
Enter your credit card numberand I'll make a sexy dance
inside of Dell computer.
- Actually I was hopingwe could play
"Sword Lords of Sorcery."
I have all the books.
I just...don't have any friends.
- This is sex thing?Ten euro extra.
- No, it's not a sex thing.- Five euro.
- "Sword Lords of Sorcery" is apen and paper role-playing game.
Where you're an adventurerexploring magical lands
and battling ancient evil.
The only limit isyour imagination.
- 50 euro.
- Done. Now,the first thing we need to do
is create your character.
What kind of adventurerwould you like to be?
- Cam girl.
- Cam girl isn'ta character class.
You have to pick something else.
- Mafia guywho run webcam site.
- Hmm, okay, that kindof sounds like a thief.
And what is thy name,brave thief?
- Eh, needs more ofa fantasy angle.
- Elf Boob.
- Okay, Elf Boob.
You're standing in The Angry Wyvern,
the seediest tavern in all of Xorth.
An old man with an eye patch sits in the corner.
He beckons you closer with the promise of adventure.
So, Elf Boob, what do you do?
- I do sexy dance for money.
The other patrons look on and--
whoa,confusion and embarrassment!
No one pays you any money!
- Fine, [bleep] them.
I give them finger and leave.
- Before you leave,
the old man beckons you again.
"By the Gods, I know where a thief like you
might earn a fair bit of coin, I do!"
- I show him top of butt and I say,
"Give me credit card, old man,
then you can see whole butt."
- "I am Melichor the Arcane,
and I do not want to see your whole butt.
I wish to tell you of a hidden treasure."
- I give him finger and leave.
- Uh-uh, the old man grabs your arm to stop you.
- Old man touch me?
Well then, I stab him in good eye with nail file.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I wouldn't do thatif I were you.
Melichor'sa super powerful druid.
- Elf Boob not scared!
I stab him in good eyewith nail file!
- Fine, but I wouldn't counton--
Critical hit for...
You killed Melichor.
- Mm. I take old man's credit card.
- He doesn't have a credit card!
Melichor has seven copper pieces
and a magical cloak of stealth!
- Okay, I keep money and throw cloak in garbage.
- Come on!You're not doing it right!
- When you tell me of this game,
what did you say isthe only limit?
- [sigh]Your imagination.
- Exactly, so, ask me againwhat Elf Boob do.
- All right, what do you do?
- I use money to buydrug and lip gloss.
This isa medieval fantasy world!
- Just roll the dice!
- Go ahead.Welcome to America.
- Say, Edmund,do you have a minute?
- Well, sure, Harold,what can I do for you?
- Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything's fine.Why?
- Some of these name changesyou've been performing
on these people's passportshave us a little worried.
- What do you mean?
- Well, for instance,
that familythat just came through.
- Who?The Sluttersons?
They had somegoofy Italian name,
so I changed itto something easy.
- Uh-huh, and what aboutthe people before them?
- They had some crazy namebefore.
- It was Sanders.
- So it's beenlike this all day.
You've checked in the Trampleys,
the Hussytons,the Strumplesteins,
the Whoresmiths,the Whorevilles,
and the Whorejohnsonwhores.
How's Susan doing, Edmund?
- She's fine.Why do you bring it up?
- Just wondering,because I noticed
you changed "Peterson"to "Cheaterson,"
"Anderson" to "Adulterson,"
and you changedthat family's name from Smith
- Well, that can't be.
Oh, I've gota lot on my mind, Harold.
I'll try notto let it happen again.
- Thanks.Keep your head up.
- Passport.How do you pronounce this name?
- It's "Love-is-bullshit."
- Welcome to America!