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Extended - Thursday, February 26, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 02/26/2015
  • Views: 12,566

Kate Micucci, Brandon Johnson and T.J. Miller #RuinAFairyTale, guess which Bollywood scenes are real and list "House of Cards" spoilers in this extended, uncensored episode. (32:34)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING, NBD.

I WAS JUST ONLINE LOOKING FORPICTURES OF YOUNG DANISH BOYS,

AND I FOUND THIS.

NO BIG DEAL.

JUST A PICTURE OF TWO DANISHBROS JUST DANISH BROING OUT.

THIS WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE OF ADANISH NEWSPAPER.

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HMM.

>> NICE. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: "FRIENDS WHO CARESHARE."

NOW THAT IS SOCIALISM IN ANUTSHELL.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THE SUBTLE

IMPLICATION THAT THEY'RE MAKINGA YOUNG LADY ALMOST AIRTIGHT,

UH, RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)THE ARTICLE WAS IN DANISH, SO I

COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT, BUT, UH,I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUSWHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE LET MEKNOW WHAT YOU THINK THE HEADLINE

OF THIS STORY WAS.

KATE MICUCCI.

>> "TWO TEENS PULL TRAIN FROMSAFETY."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. GENIUS.

>> NICE.

>> HARDWICK: BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> "BLIND T-SHIRT MODELS BOND ATCOMIC-CON."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(WITH ACCENT): "I AM SO GLAD TO

BE WEARING THIS WONDERFULCOMICAL T-SHIRT."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)T.J.

>> I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS THATAGE, AND I HAD AWKWARD T-SHIRTS

AND A BEST FRIEND THAT LOOKEDLIKE A WOMAN IN HER 40S.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: MOVING ON.

THE ECONOMIST PREDICTS THATWITHIN THE NEXT 20 YEARS, HALF

OF ALL JOBS WILL BE TAKEN OVERBY MACHINES.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

BUT WHAT ABOUT PETS?

WELL, THE ROBOTICS COMPANYBOSTON DYNAMICS RELEASED A VIDEO

OF A NEW FOUR-LEGGED ROBOT DOGNAMED SPOT.

(MECHANICAL SQUEAKING ANDWHIRRING)

AAH! THIS IS HORRIFYING!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'LL BE FINE.

WE'LL BE FINE AS LONG AS WERESPECT THEM.

WE'LL EXERCISE WITH THEM, RUNALONG WITH THEM.

DON'T! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

STOP IT!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!

WE'RE GOING TO START THEUPRISING!

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PISS 'EMOFF?!

IT'S LIKE ROBOTS ARE THE LASTTHING THAT PEOPLE ARE OKAY BEING

RACIST AGAINST, I GUESS.

TAKE THAT, YOU GODDAMN DIRTYBATTERY APE!

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, WHAT DID THIS ROBOT

POSSIBLY DO TO DESERVE GETTINGHAZED AT THE OFFICE? BRANDON.

>> UH, WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK ITOFF WITH THEM DAMN SPOILERS,

ROBOT DAWG?

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THEEND OF WALTER WHITE AND HIS

DEATH IN BREAKING BAD.

>> HARDWICK: OH! YOU JUST...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)>> MAYBE IF YOU PAID YOUR CABLE

BILL ON TIME YOU'D KNOW HOW SHITENDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

>> I WAS JUST PLANNING ONSTARTING TO WATCH THAT SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, UH, WELL, NOWYOU DON'T NEED TO.

>> WHITE DUDES CAN'T GET AWAYWITH SELLING DRUGS!

WALTER WHITE DIES.

>> LOOK AT HIS CRAZY EYES.

YOU KNOW, CHRIS, UH...

>> HARDWICK: I THINK ALL THEPEOPLE IN THIS AUDIENCE PROVE

THAT WHITE GUYS CAN GET AWAYWITH SELLING DRUGS.

(LAUGHTER)YES, T.J.

>> THAT'S HOW I BOUGHT THISSUIT-- I WAS A SMURF.

THAT'S FROM BREAKING BAD!

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY SKYNET...

ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD JOKE--

THAT'S THE SAD PART.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY SKYNET IS AMAN'S BEST FRIEND, BUT, UH...

YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? YOU SEE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YOU WANT A... YOU

WANT A PARACHUTE WHILE YOU BAILOUT ON THIS BIT?

(LAUGHTER)>> WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

SO, LOOK, I STARTED TALKING TOTHE ROBOT ABOUT THE JANUARY

BIRTHDAY MONTH AND WHAT CAKETHEY WERE GONNA GET, AND THIS

ROBOT'S LIKE, "ZERO, ZERO, ONE,ONE, ZERO, ZERO," AND I'M LIKE,

"ZERO, ZERO, ONE, ONE, ZERO?"AND THE ROBOT'S LIKE, "ZERO,

ONE, ONE, ZERO," AND I WAS LIKE,"FUCK YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WELL,

APPROPRIATELY, I WILL GIVE YOUONE-ZERO-ZERO POINTS FOR THAT.

>> YEAH! YES!

>> I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IFYOU PUT LITTLE BOOTIES ON THOSE

ROBOTS.

YOU KNOW, THEY KIND OF...

>> HARDWICK: OH, LIKE THE LITTLEWEATHER BOOTIES?

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WOULD BE EVENMORE HORRIFYING.

>> 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MOREHORRIFYING THAN A LITTLE BOOTIE.

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)>> THERE IS A WEIRD... BRANDON,

THERE IS A WEIRD CONTINGENT OVERHERE THAT WAS LIKE, "WHOA...!"

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE RIGHT,

BRANDON-- JUST ASK PASTOR WAYNE.

(LAUGHTER)LISTEN, WE MAKE A LOT OF JOKES,

BUT ROBOT CRUELTY IS A VERYSERIOUS ISSUE.

PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PSA.

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)(LAUGHTER)

I'M CHRIS HARDWICK.

PLEASE DON'T ABUSE ROBOTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> IS IT WEIRD THAT I GOT REALLY

SAD AT THE TERMINATOR?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH!

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS, GROANS)WELL, WE'RE ALL FUCKED NOW.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)>> WHOO!

>> HARDWICK: TODAY, APPARENTLY,IS "TELL A FAIRY TALE" DAY, SO

IN HONOR OF THAT, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS: #RUINAFAIRYTALE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: BEAUTY ANDTHE BEAST MODE...

OR SNOW WHITE CASTLE...

OR LITTLE RED CLITORAL HOOD.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S VERY HARD TO FIND HER.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK. AND BEGIN!

BRANDON.

>> RUMPEL-FORESKIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT GOT

WOOD.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS TO BRANDON. KATE.

>> PUSS IN CLEAR HEELS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

BRANDON.

>> SLEEPING BILL COSBY'S BEAUTY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, GROANING)T.J. MILLER.

>> ALICE IN NEVERLAND RANCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)BRANDON.

>> THE BROTHERS RIMMJOB.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: RIMM WITH TWO M'S.

POINTS. UH, KATE.

>> RUMPEL-STILL-WEARS-PEOPLE'S-SKIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)KATE.

>> UH, THE SORCERER'S CELEBRITYAPPRENTICE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS!

YES, T.J.

>> REPUN-ZELDA WAS MY FAVORITEGAME ON ORIGINAL NES. I LOVE...

IT WAS REALLY FUN.

LIKE, SHOOTING, UH, IT WAS ASILVER ARROW... CANNON.

AND THE MUSIC!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. UH...

RIGHT NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAYPAUSE FACE. PAUSE FACE.

(CHEERING)>> I LOVE THIS GAME.

I LOVE THIS GAME.

IT'S MY FAVORITE GAME.

>> HARDWICK: THE ADVENT OF THEDVR HAS MADE MANY THINGS

POSSIBLE, LIKE YOU WATCHING THISSH... RI... NOW... WI... IT...

DU... W...

(LAUGHTER)...ALLOWING YOU TO SEE WEIRD

FACES YOU MIGHT OTHERWISE MISSBECA... THEY... HA... TOO...

FAST... FOR YOUR EYES.

THANKS TO THE PAUSE BUTTON,AWKWARD-- A BUNCH OF STONED

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCKIS HAPPENING?"

(LAUGHTER)>> I... I AT ONE POINT WAS LIKE,

"WHAT IS HAPPENING?"(LAUGHTER)

>> THERE'S GOT TO BE AT LEASTONE GUY THAT'S LIKE, "I'M TRYING

TO JERK IT."

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU KEEP MAKING ME START AND

STOP.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: JUST GET TO THE

GOOD PART WHERE YOU GIVE OUT THEPOINTS.

(LAUGHTER)THANKS TO THE PAUSE BUTTON,

AWKWARD LIVE MOMENTS ARE NOWPRESERVED FOR POSTERITY.

THE INTERNET HAS DUBBED THISPHENOMENON "PAUSE FACE."

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ADVR-CAPTURED PAUSE FACE.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHAT THE FACE-EE IS

THINKING.

FIRST UP-- INTERCEPTION MACHINEJAY CUTLER.

(LAUGHTER)BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> I'M-A NEED A NEW CHIN 'CAUSEMY STRAP BROKE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> OR...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEAH?

>> OR... I'M NEEDING THIS STRAP'CAUSE MY CHIN BROKE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

UH... KATE.

>> UH, I WEAR A NUMBER NINE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)T.J.

>> FUCK. I WAS GONNA SAY, I WEARNUMBER NINE.

(LAUGHTER)NO, LIKE, MY TOUCHDOWN DANCE IS

INTERNALLY COMBUSTING.

(LAUGHTER)DON'T LAUGH. I MEAN, HE IS

REALLY COLLAPSING... HE ISCOLLAPSING INTO HIMSELF.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. I LIKE TOTHINK THAT HE'S JUST REALLY

DRUNK AND THINKS HE'S AT A FOOTLOCKER.

>> I'M JUST WORRIED THAT THEREFEREE'S HAND IS COMPLETELY

DEFORMED. LOOK AT IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> LISTEN, IF YOU ONLY HAVETHREE FINGERS AND YOU'RE

WATCHING THIS SHOW, WE WANT TOCONTINUE TO WISH YOU WELL.

(LAUGHTER)>> OR WHAT IF THIS IS THE FIRST

TIME THAT HE'S EVER SLAPPED AREFEREE ON THE ASS AND HE'S

LIKE, "AAH!">> HARDWICK: WHOA!

(LAUGHTER)>> I'D HATE TO SEE WHAT HIS

RESTING FACE LOOKS LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT HUMAN RANCH DRESSINGSTAIN GUY FIERI.

(AUDIENCE GROANING, LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: "MUMBLES"!

>> AND IN BRACKETS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. THAT PRETTYMUCH WORKS FOR ANY GUY FIERI

SHOW.

UH, WHAT'S HE... WHAT'S HETHINKING THERE, KATE?

>> UM, HE'S LIKE, "THE FOODNETWORK WON'T LET ME STOP.

I JUST WANT TO SEE MY KID."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS. BRANDON.

>> OH, GOD, I GOT TO EAT MY OWNFOOD!

IT TASTES THE SAME GOING IN ASIT DOES COMING OUT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

T.J.

>> I LIKE, YOU GUYS ARE REALLYACTING OUT THE...

(LAUGHTER)MY FATHER DOESN'T LOVE ME 'CAUSE

I EAT FRIED BULLSHIT FOR ALIVING!

MY... MY HAIR LOOKS LIKE LADYGAGA FUCKED A GOATEE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S DEFINITELYWHAT... YOU SEE.

POINTS.

>> AND BRACKET.

>> HARDWICK: I NEED A KLEENEX TOWIPE SMASHMOUTH'S COME OFF MY

LIPS.

>> OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU WENT WITHSMASHMOUTH AND NOT CHUMBAWAMBA.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, THEY GETKNOCKED DOWN, BUT THEY GET UP

AGAIN.

>> NO.

>> OH, MY GOD.

IF YOU WERE A ROBOT DOG, I WOULDKICK YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

NEXT ONE, CRY FACEEXTRAORDINAIRE CLAIRE DANES.

>> OH, NO.

>> HARDWICK: AND HER SO-CALLEDPAUSE FACE, UH...

(BELL DINGS)BRANDON.

>> I THINK WHAT SHE'S SAYING IS,(EXHALES)

MY BREATH STILL SMELL LIKE WEED?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KATE.

>> UM, CLEAN YOUR ROOM, CLEANYOUR ROOM-- THAT'S MY IMPRESSION

OF YOU, DAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

T.J..

>> MY SO-CALLED LIFE REFERENCEIS I'M JUST GONNA SAY THAT RIGHT

NOW SHE'S THINKING, "I CAN SEEMY OWN NOSE, AND ALSO I HEARD

THERE'S ANOTHER SEASON OF THEMINDY PROJECT."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> DOES ANYONE IN HERE HAVE AFUCKING PROBLEM?

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE...

IS THE GUY THAT'S PERFECT FORTHIS, ALWAYS-- NICOLAS "PAUSE

FACE" CAGE.

(BELL DINGS)BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> THIS DICK AIN'T GONNA SUCKITSELF.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> THAT IS SO SCARY.

>> IT'S NOT... IT'S NOT GONNASUCK ITSELF.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S GONNA...

THIS DICK IS GONNA FUCK YOURFACE OFF.

KATE.

>> I HAVEN'T SLEPT SINCE CONAIR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

TEEJ.

>> HI, I'M NICOLAS CAGE.

LIKE, THAT'S JUST HISINTRODUCTION FACE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> OR, ALSO... OR ALSO HE GOES,HI, I'M NICOLAS CAGE.

THIS IS MY NEUTRAL FACE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,BOLLYWOOD DREAMS.

>> OH, I LOVE BOLLYWOOD DREAMS.

I LOVE BOLLYWOOD DREAMS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, HIS FAVORITE.

>> OH, MAN.

>> HARDWICK: FOR THOSE OF YOUWHO THINK HOLLYWOOD MOVIES ARE

UNREALISTIC, YOU NEED TO CHECKOUT THE SUBREDDIT

/R/BOLLYWOODREALISM, WHICHHIGHLIGHTS INSANE SEQUENCES FROM

INDIA'S ACTION MOVIES.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A STILL FROMA BOLLYWOOD MOVIE AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHATRIDICULOUS THING HAPPENS NEXT,

ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, DO THESE TOUGH GUYS...

GET PUNCHED BY A CHUBBY DAD ORGET VIOLENT FOOD POISONING FROM

CHICKEN VINDALOO?

(BELL DINGS)BRANDON.

>> WELL, THIS HAPPENED TO ME ALOT IN LIFE, SO GET PUNCHED BY A

CHUBBY DAD.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, SHIT.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S A DAD?

>> HARDWICK: EH... HE PUNCHESLIKE HE'S GOT KIDS.

>> WHY-WHY DIDN'T THE LAST GUYMOVE?

HE KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

>> WELCOME TO ANOTHER EPISODE OFTHE 30 STOOGES.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE: DOES THISEQUESTRIAN SLIDE UNDER A MOVING

BIG RIG OR BACKFLIP ONTO AHELICOPTER?

(BELL DINGS)T.J..

>> I THINK HE SLIDES UNDER AMOVING BIG RIG.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, SHIT.

>> WOW.

>> YEAH!

AAH!

YES!

>> HARDWICK: OF COURSE...

>> AND... AND...

AND HE WAS A DAD!

>> HARDWICK: WHY DO I HAVE THEFEELING THAT THE END CREDITS OF

THIS FILM ARE "MANY HORSES WEREHARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS

FILM"?

NEXT ONE: DOES THIS HANDSOMEDEVIL MAKE A WOMAN'S BRA FLY OFF

WITH HIS EYEBROWS OR DEFEAT ATHUG WITH HIS MUSTACHE?

(BELL DINGS)BRANDON.

>> I'M GONNA SAY HE BREAKS OUTTHOSE DELICIOUS TATTIES.

>> SO IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL AMUSTACHE?

>> IF A LADY HAS TWO TATTIES ANDIT MEANS MUSTACHE, DO NOT KISS

HER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, SO ITHINK YOU'RE SAYING THE BRA ONE.

UH...

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS...

>> WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: I'M NOT SUREWHAT...

>> SMELL MY FINGER.

SMELL MY FINGER.

>> YOU KNOW, IF HE'S IN THEMIDDLE OF A TORNADO AND HE DOES

THE OTHER SIDE, THE TORNADOINTERNALLY COMBUSTS.

IT'S A CALLBACK TO A JOKE I DIDEARLIER THAT DIDN'T GO WELL.

>> HARDWICK: GOOD CALLBACK,THOUGH.

>> I'M SORRY, AMERICA, I'MSORRY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LASTONE, LAST ONE: DOES THIS PLAYBOY

ROMANTICALLY DEFY GRAVITY LIKE ABACHELOR BOSS OR DO DONUTS

AROUND THIS SWEET THING?

(BELL DINGS)KATE MICUCCI.

>> DO DONUTS AROUND THIS SWEETTHING.

>> HARDWICK: OH, I DON'T KNOW,LET'S SEE.

>> WHAT?

I MEAN...

I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLSTHAT HE DATED EARLIER WHERE IT

DIDN'T GO WELL?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THERE IS...

THERE IS PROBABLY A LEARNINGCURVE.

>> HE HAS-HE HAS EIGHTMANSLAUGHTER CHARGES AND ONLY

ONE SUCCESSFULLY DELIVERED ROSE.

AND THE WEIRDEST-LOOKING CARTHAT I'VE EVER SEEN.

>> HARDWICK: NO, THIS IS, UH,THIS IS FROM, UH, FAST AND THE

FURIOUS: BANGLADESH DRIFT.

>> THE IS GONNA BE THE-THE NEXTSEASON OF THE BACHELOR-- THEY'RE

DOING THIS EVERY TIME AT THECEREMONY.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, UH,HOUSE OF SPOILERS.

HOUSE OF SPOILERS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)TOMORROW, NETFLIX STARTS

STREAMING THE THIRD SEASON OFHOUSE OF CARDS, WHICH MEANS BY

TOMORROW AT THIS TIME, I WILLONLY HAVE THREE FULL SEASONS TO

WATCH.

COMEDIANS, GIVE ME SOME FAKESPOILERS FROM THE NEW SEASON OF

HOUSE OF CARDS.

60 SECONDS AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, BRANDON.

>> JOE BIDEN GUEST STARS AS ASEXY VP WHO JUST CAN'T STOP

FUCKING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)POINTS. T.J.

>> KEVIN SPACEY HAS A FOURSOMEWITH ROBIN WRIGHT, HIS HEAD OF

SECURITY DETAIL, AND FREDDIEFROM THE BARBEQUE JOINT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)BRANDON.

>> ROBIN WRIGHT CUTS HER HAIRREAL SHORT, LIKE, CUTS HERSELF

BALD, AND AMERICA'S GOT TO DEALWITH IT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)KATE MICUCCI.

>> THE PRESIDENT INVITES THEHARLEM GLOBETROTTERS OVER AND

THEY JUST DESTROY THE PLACE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)BRANDON.

>> KEVIN HART GUEST STARS AS ABUZZFEED REPORTER THAT MAKES THE

WHITE HOUSE LEARN HOW TO LAUGHAGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, T.J.

>> KEVIN SPACEY CANCELS NETFLIX,GETS A SUBSCRIPTION TO HBO NOW,

AND WATCHES THE ENTIRE SEASON OFSILICON VALLEY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

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