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Blood Drive

The TelAmeriCorp employees become fiercely competitive during an office blood drive. (21:15)

JILLIAN, GET THIS THE "F"OUT OF THE WAY, PLEASE.

- YUP.

- WHEN HAVE I EVERTALKED BEHIND...

- JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE COOL.- A PEDESTAL.

- I GOT IT.- YEAH.

- I DON'T WANT--- NO, I GOT IT.

- OKAY, THE TELAMERICORPBLOOD DRIVE.

WHY SHOULD YOU DONATE?CORPORATE SET UP A COMPETITION.

THE BRANCH THAT DONATESTHE MOST PINTS OF BLOOD

WINS A VISIT FROM--

JILLIAN, GET THE CUTOUT.

- OH, NOW?- NOW.

- YOU'RE IN THE WAY, NURSES.

- WINS A VISIT FROM ACTION HERODOLPH LUNDGREN.

- [gasping]

- IVAN DRAGO.OH, MY GOD.

- QUESTION.DUDE, STOP IT.

WHY DOES DOLPH LUNDGRENWANT TO DO SOME DUMB HEALTH

BLOOD THING WITH US?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE 'CAUSEHE'S A DECENT PERSON

WHO WANTS TO CONTRIBUTETO SOCIETY.

- THAT'S SO DOLPH OF HIM.

- ANYWAY, WE'RE THE LAST BRANCHTO DONATE.

THAT PIG STEVE IN TARZANA

THINKS HIS 29-PINT LEADWILL HOLD,

BUT I'D LOVE TO MAN-SPLAINTO HIM THAT HE LOST.

- YOU GUYS, I'VE GOT A QUESTIONTHAT I'VE WANTED TO ASK DOLPH

SINCE I WAS,LIKE, A CHILD,

AND THE ANSWERCOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.

- SHUT UP,'CAUSE I'M FREAKING REALIZING

A GREAT IDEA.

HE COULD BE THE COSTARTO MY MAIN STAR

FOR DEMAMP CAMP: VOLUME TWO, RIGHT?

- YOU'RE MAKING ANOTHER DEMAMP CAMP?

THAT COPY OF VOLUME ONEYOU GAVE ME

CHANGED MY LIFE.

BIKINI SEASONCAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH.

- OKAY, FIRST OFF, EWW,AND SECOND OF ALL,

WE CAN HEAR YOU,SO SHUT UP.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THERE ARE32 EMPLOYEES IN THIS OFFICE,

AND WE NEED 30 PINTS TO WIN,

SO WE GOT THIS THINGIN THE BAG.

- YEAH, WHOO!- YEAH.

- UNLESS SOME OF YOUARE SCARED OF NEEDLES.

[laughter]

- WHAT?IS THAT REAL?

- I MEAN...

[laughter]

- EXCUSE ME,

BUT SCARED-NESS OF NEEDLESIS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

I PERSONALLY AM NOT AFRAIDOF NEEDLES,

BUT I DID SEE SOMEONEMURDERED WITH A NEEDLE

IN THE MOVIE GREMLINS.

NEEDLE-PHOBESHAVE RIGHTS TOO, SO...

THANK YOU.THAT'S MY TIME.

- GREAT, AND NOBODY CARES,ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT,SO LET'S BREAK.

LET'S GIVE THAT BLOOD.- WHOO!

- LET'S TEAR IT UP.- TAKE IT ALL.

- WHOO!- WHOO!

[tires screech]

- HEY, SIR EDNA,I GOT YOUR BLOOD.

- OKAY.WHO'S BLOOD IS IT?

NO, DON'T TELL ME.

I UNDERSTANDSOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST NEED

TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS,JUST DISAPPEAR.

- WHAT?NO, IT'S GONNA BE MY BLOOD.

COME ON.- WHAT?

- TAKE THIS BLADE.

- NO.NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

- I'M GONNA TAKE THE TUBE,

I'M GONNA PUT ITRIGHT NEXT TO MY WRIST,

AND YOU'RE GONNA CUT ME.

- NO, KARL,I--I'M HEMOPHOBIC.

- OH, MY GOD, DERS,IT'S 2015.

GAY DUDES EXIST.GET OVER IT.

CUT ME!- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

DOLPH LUNDGREN.DOLPH LUNDGREN.

DOLPH LUNDGREN.- HIT ME, BABY.

- DOLPH LUNDGREN!

- UH, TRY IT AGAIN.- DOLPH LUNDGREN.

- OKAY, JUST--YOU KNOW WHAT?

OKAY, GO DOWN THE--- DOLPH LUNDGREN.

DOLPH LUNDGREN.- GO DOWN ONE MORE TIME.

- I DON'T KNOW.- LET ME SEE THE BLADE.

- YEAH.

- [shouts]

- [screams]

- [bleep]!DOLPH LUNDGREN!

DOLPH LUNDGREN!- OKAY.

- DOLPH LUNDGREN!- OH, OH!

- WHAT ARE YOU--- WE GOT IT.

- WHY'D YOU LICK IT, MAN?

- I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKEA BALLPOINT PEN, MAN,

BUT IT'S WORKING.

IT'S WORKING.- OKAY.

[quivers]

[chuckles uneasily]

- WHAT'S THE MOTHER LODE?- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.

CHECK THIS OUT.

- ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

- ♪ BABY, BABY

♪ I'M SO INTO YOU

- THIS IS YOUR BIG FIND?

- NO, I MADE IT.

[laughs]

- JILLIAN, I CAN'T HAVEYOU BACK HERE

BAKING YOUR OWN MUFFINTO DOLPH COLLAGES, ALL RIGHT?

I NEED YOU TO FOCUSON FINDING THE SOURCE.

I GOT TO FOLLOWTHAT BLOOD.

- IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.- IT HAS.

- I MEAN,RAYMOND WITH A "W."

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WHITE BOYTHOUGHT WE WEREN'T GONNA REALIZE

THAT HE HAD ALREADY BEEN UPIN THERE BEFORE.

- OH, WAIT, WHICH WAYMONDDID THIS COME FROM?

- GIRL, JUST TRASH IT.

- WHY ARE THEYTHROWING BLOOD AWAY?

- THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HEREARE CRAZY.

DID YOU NOTICETHAT COLOGNE EARLIER?

- OH, IT'S LIKE HE WAS TRYINGTO BE SOMEONE HE'S NOT.

- CLONE?THEY'RE CLONING PEOPLE.

- I THINK ALL COLOGNESSMELL WEIRD.

- AND THEY SMELL WEIRD.

[breathing heavily]

[dramatic music]

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

GO IN THEREAND DESTROY ALL THE BLOOD.

OKAY, GOT IT?- I KNOW.

I KNOW.I KNOW.

- NO, I AM AS SERIOUSAS SEAN PENN RIGHT NOW.

YOU GO IN THERE,AND YOU DESTROY THE BLOOD.

OTHERWISE, DOLPH--

HE COULD MAKE AS MANYUNIVERSAL SOLDIERS AS HE WANTS,

AND I'M NOT TALKINGMOVIE SEQUELS.

I'M TALKING A CLONE ARMY.

HE DID IT TO WAYMOND,AND HE DID IT TO CARMEN.

- WHOA.OKAY, I'M ON IT.

- ALL RIGHT, GET IN THERE.

OH, HOW MUCH OF THAT BARDID YOU EAT?

- I'M OKAY.- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- JUST A LITTLE--SEE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, BE SAFE.

GET 'EM.GET 'EM, GIRL.

[coughs forcefully]

HOW YOU DOING?DUMPING THE BLOOD?

- NOPE!BLAKE.

- WHAT THE HECK?

- CLONING IS THE FUTURE,AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT.

DOLPH NEEDS THIS BLOODTO BREED UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS,

AND I'M GONNA HELP HIM.

- YOU'RE PRO-CLONING.WHY?

- MOSTLY BECAUSEI'M IN LOVE WITH HIM.

BUT ALSO HAVE YOU SEENTHE MOVIE MULTIPLICITY?

IT'S REALLY GOOD.- NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

IF YOU START PLAYING GOD,

CONSEQUENCESWILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

AND OF COURSEI'VE SEEN IT!

IT'S A REALLY,REALLY GREAT MOVIE,

BUT THIS--THIS AIN'T THE MOVIES, BABE.

- NO.

- [shouting]

- DON'T!STOP!

MY DOLPH!MY SWEET DOLPH!

- WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

- ADAM, DOLPH IS USINGTHE BLOOD DRIVE TO CLONE PEOPLE.

HE'S MAKING A CLONE ARMY.HE'LL MAKE A MILLION ADAMS.

- THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

A MILLION ADAMSAND A MILLION DOLPHS.

- AND A MILLION BILLS.

- OKAY, NOT A MILLION BILLS,'CAUSE YOU'RE OFF THE PROJECT.

BLAKE, DON'T DO THIS TO ME,MAN, OKAY?

I NEED THIS.

HEY!

BLAKE!

[all shouting indistinctly]

- I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY BLOODIN MY BODY.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?- ADAM?

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

- [groans]

IT'S PROBABLY ALL THE BLOODTHAT I GAVE.

[bleep].

- THIS ISFOR YOUR OWN GOOD, MAN.

- DON'T.

IF YOU POP ONE MOREOF THOSE,

I SWEAR TO GOD...

- BLAKE.both: DON'T, BLAKE!

- [shouts]

[both scream]

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